I still think of you every ******* day
The sight of you weeps over into my eyes
I spin the record fighting the demon dwelling up inside
My stomach twirls and my lungs clutch
And I can't help but think how horrible I am
Because I now have someone who makes it all easy
Makes the days float by like he shifts time and stops the meaning of-
and I can't help but ask myself why you still are sprayed into my ******* eyes

I am so ******* tired of this feeling. It breaks down my barrier and cuts to the bone
So deep that I've lost myself because I've accepted that it is over
But my heart can't seem to forgive you, or forgive myself -
For everything that I became when you flaunted your teeth and closed the door
And ever since then apart of me has been dead-

And for that-
I still ******* hate this feeling that overcomes my entire being every time I am reminded of you.
Cynical ***** I have become-
I honestly just no longer give a ****.
Not even about this ****** piece of scribble-

I guess it is a good thing it is summer
Adderall, *******, Marijuana, Tobacco
The record no longer soothes the numbing feeling
And Radiohead only screams back your name.

******* and this ******* feeling.

Here I am back to this lonely hole, an empty white page
it is so comforting, so familiar
yet I cringe at the pain and the throbbing memories
that pump through my veins and rebuild themselves

I've wanted for so long to be loved like no other,
No comparison, no second thoughts
No doubt
Only love

I've longed for someone who understands without the whisper or scream
One who seeks comfort in my silence
One who grasps how contagious and infectious
and how ******* destructive my mind can be

One who understands the duplication of these cancerous thoughts
that lurk about the sunshine as it bleeds through the window and screams on the radio
all hoping for new beginnings and some sort of happiness
Changing your never ending path that you continue to walk

This path in which I walk has only been filled with traps and holes
I fall and get caught, and try to scrape off the dirt and deal with the pain
I want to be hopeful and believe in something more,
something so much more than these bitter disappointments

I tell myself not to dwell, this is a constant reminder
not to constantly acknowledge the ghosts that lurk and follow
upon the path at which I walk.
I tell myself that I have to be okay with walking this path alone
That good things come to those who wait,
or maybe that too is a trap

I am filled with so much doubt, running in a circle
like a mouse ignorant of the box in which it is contained
constantly running down this never ending path.

The drip of the ink
mocks the silent screams
that are crushed and sink

Deep down to the depths of the sea
The cold chills to the bone
that quivers the structure of my knees

It unlocks the vault filled with the stacks
Of the harbored wounds
That are beginning to make me crack.

I am stuck
Stuck in a world
A world in which I do not belong
Fish out of water
Flopping around
Gasping for air
Cringing at the light
Suffocated by society

I fear exposure
Weakening towards death
An open wound

My heart pounds
at the beat of the drum
the weight of the stick
thrusting against the symbols
the vibrations hallowing out my insides
weakening the core, releasing the vibrato

The strings of the guitar
puppet my motion, igniting my being
physical but immobile to the sweet sound
casting the reflections of the shadows of my soul

I stand tall, mocking the vocal stick
Numb to the sounds that are screaming
and singing deep within my soul
The lyrics spit out without effort
though are silenced, and chained
And composed upon the spinning record

Some days I feel like I do today
itching, aching, craving,
for something more
to be apart of something
Something, so much more

Some days became a one day
the one day I met you
and that some day, became the day
the day you smiled,
melting the days which began to slowly,
yet consistently pour into one another

Some days the sight of you
consumes my entire being
your existence grabs ahold of mine
twisting and tightening my organs

Some days I can’t help but laugh
because this nervous feeling
reminds me of how pathetic and silly
my mind can really be, But you,
You have something of mine

Some days I can’t explain
what you do to me
I smile and nod trying so hard to hide
and fight the rushing blood
that fills my cheeks
blooming at the thought of you

Some days I have to remind myself
to breathe and take each moment
for exactly what it is
and to not stumble and fall
when you walk through that door

Some days I question why you,
you have such a strong hold on me,
a hold that soothes back to childhood
of the girls with their secrets,
and the boys with their taunts,
chasing one another on the playground