my mind will be the end of me.
these thoughts more than some memory,
these images played through my brain.
daring me to be insane,
or done,
lost to the abyss.
lost to this endlessness,
the beyond.
whats coming next?
who knows.
but here I sit,
stuck.
fastened to this place.
unable to change my face
or name.
unable to break the chain,
insane?
no, just in pain.
the monotony is killing me
each day less and less free
tied to you
and them.
tied to the endless cycle of days
and nights,
and predictable fights;
because i know what pushes your buttons.
and can't stop from leaning in,
won't stop stealing your grin,
your joy.
no reason why.
perhaps i just want to die
and your leaving,
i know,
would do me in...

Lying here beside you
Staring into the brush stroked abyss
My mind registers
And whirs
And composes
The words I'm overrun with
The stories that run down the sides of my consciousness
Like I ran down that hill in my white gown
Running from my past
Into our future
I ache with excitement and yearning to speak with you
Awakenings fresh on my ink stained fingertips
Bubbling on the tip of my canvas stretched tongue
Expanding and morphing their confines
Unrecognizable
Without meaning
Devoid of intelligence
Scrawls and scratches of a cave dweller
Somehow paired with a Greek god
Your smile
Lost in the hieroglyphic translations on the page before you
The conversations I long to have
Reduced to mere finger-painted pictographs
Where I lose your attention
Incapable of expressing your radiance

I looked into the gates of Death
That stood just down the path
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood, enraptured
The air there seemed to say
"Come away
Run with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're much too young
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And ran with it
Raced the wind between the trees
I lost myself there in the woods
Within the greenery
Until one day
I stumbled
The gates stood there with me
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, mystified
A bird sang out to me
"Come away
Fly with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're much too young
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And flew with it
Soared above the clouds
I found a man
Who'd hold my hand
Never let it go
The gates arrived in front of me
Reaching out to my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, petrified
My love whispered to me
"Come away
Stay with me
No one has to know
It isn't right
You're mine to save
I can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And stayed with him
We raised a boy and girl
Lost into their eyes
I swore, I couldn't leave
They'd never be alone
Then once again those gates appeared
Reaching  into my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood, enraged
My children seemed to say
"Come away
Live with us
No one has to know
It's isn't right
We're much too young
We can't bear to see you go."
And so I turned
And lived with them
Watched them grow up, be free
My love and I grew ancient
He lost himself for me
So when those gates showed up again
Reaching  into my soul
Glistening in the sun
And as I stood there, ready
I heard the gates true call
"Come away
Die with me
No one has to know
It's finally right
You've lived your life
And now it's time to go."
And so I turned
And died with them
I left the world below
Free of pain and sadness
Into the great unknown.

I swear
Last night
As I lay awake
You sighed
With satisfaction
From the kitchen
Where we used to drink it all in.

I swear
This morning
As I lost myself to work
Covered in paint
Swimming in words
Lost at a pen's tip
Your hands
Toyed with my hair
Your lips
Caressed my neck.

I swear
You're here
I can't see you
But with every passing day
I feel you
I've heard its phantom limb
You always were a part of me
So connected
We functioned as one.

I still sleep
Tangled in your arms
I still eat
With your fingers
Tracing my skin
You haunt me
Every moment
Every day

I ordered a coffee black
To match the circles under my eyes
To scare the tired from my weary flesh
Life has largely taken its toll
Across the diner I gaze
When I see him
He's freshly adult
And already wilting
The weight of his world
Squarely on his shoulders
Its in that moment
My soul cries out
"I bear your burdens.
I carry them in each beat of my heart
In the pulse life within my blood.
I bear your burdens.
I lay them across the breadth of my shoulders
The tone and flex supporting you through your trials.
I bear your burdens.
They rest in the folds of my skin
In the curl of my lips
In the strength of my bones
And the swing of my hips.
I bear your burdens
In each moment of the day
Without falter of fail.
I have always and
Will always carry your burdens
Here in my soul
So you will never shoulder them
Alone."

I saw you today
The sighting long overdue
But then
Perhaps you don't think so
Perhaps you'd rather that I cease to exist

We sat along the canal
At a picnic table
Surrounded by geese
And the breeze off the water

We talked
Or better said
You talked
And I let the words seep into my pours
Becoming a part of me
Every sound, every breath, every sigh

You told me stories
Of faith and despair
And I let them become the songs of my soul
I laughed as I soaked it all in

But through everything
You never looked me in the eye
Perhaps it was simply due
To my hiding behind insecurities
But you didn't even glance my way

Perhaps you're ashamed of me
I'm not
Nor am I ashamed of you
Our actions may not have been glorifying or wonderful
But we can move past those
And still be us