The moments
Between spaces
Between dreaming and awake
Between the drops of torrential rain
Between my head on your chest and your kiss to the top of my head
Its those overlooked moments
Those minuscule seconds
When silence is complete
Comfort is all encompassing
And sweet content is everything
It's then that I will always love you

I can't blame you
Sometimes its the only way
Running from something
Because of the honest reality of it

I can't blame you
I've done the same
Trusting my leathered skin
The souls of my feet
To carry me past these horizons

I don't blame you
But know this
I'm still here
I'm not upset
I'm not hurting
I'm still waiting
For the beat of my heart not to call your name
For the breath in my lungs to stop sighing at the thought of you

I'm still waiting
For the skin of my hands to stop tingling from the feel of you
For the memories of us to subside

Remember I'm still her
I'm still the girl that embraced you when no one would
Still the girl that showed you things you hadn't known
The girl that broadened your horizons
I'm still she that carried your heart
When you thought it would fall from your chest

I'm still here
I'm not going anywhere
I'll stand on this hillside
Whispers of you lingering on my ears
Legs quivering at your proximity
As your eyes probed mine
And your lips uttered words
That left me standing here waiting

"I can't do this anymore"

But I can
I'll be yours until the cows come home
Until the endless machinery of humanity breaks down
Til pigs fly
I am yours

I'll be here
Where you took the ground from under me
Waiting for the day you realize
You need me
Maybe not my lips
Or my heart
But my spirit
My friendship

You can find me here
Where I lost my heart to you
Here
Until the rain that falls mutates my skin
Until wildlife roots their life with mine
Until children come and stare
Having heard the whispers as I became this urban legend

I'll be here
Waiting for you
Here

I hear you
I hear the cries of distress and pain you send out to the world
*** you don't understand what's happening
I hear the ache in your chest and the lump in your throat
As you beg the world to be kind
I hear the words between the screams that you whisper
Hoping someone will hear you and tell you
It gets better
You want to hear
That after the storm comes the clear skies
And after the darkness comes dawn
And after everything you've been through
It gets better
But the truth is ...
It won't
It won't get better...
At least
Not yet
But the only way it can ever get better
Is if you manage to hit the very bottom
If you manage to break
To absolutely shatter
Throw yourself to the storm out your window
So that the fragments of your soul are the only thing able to cry out
And then it still won't get better
You'll feel hopeless and alone
Like no one understands you
And you'll think that your life was a pitiful excuse for passing moments
And that no one could ever miss you
And you'll cry out to a god you don't believe in
Until finally you do
Until finally after thinking about it all
You realize that everything you have
You didn't earn
You didn't deserve
Until you realize it was a gift
And that gift was meant for you to give back
Back to the thing that gave it to you
And as you lay there shattered and confused
You see that the pieces of your life are meant for more
And the moment you realize nothing is yours
Nothing is truly yours
It belongs to Him
When that instant hits your understanding
THAT is when it gets better
But my friend if you are wondering if you've hit that place
I'm afraid you've missed the message
And if you're still crying out to the wind, to the world
It won't get better
At least
Not yet

Day after day I stay here
Day after day I puzzle over life
Day after day I make no headway
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my soul
And the drum line in my chest has stopped it's beating
And the string quartet of my soul is exceptionally still
And I feel hopelessly alone
The trumpets that used to drive me forward have been muzzled
And even the titillation of my hope has died out, the keys have gone cold
So I float in the abyss
And hope that someone somewhere will see me as an island to dream of
But the soft recollections of symphonies past do nothing more than keep me a float
And the stillness of my orchestra stop me from rising any more
And so I wait
Tortured by uncertainty and confusion
For a note
However delicate and soft
To pull at the strings of my soul
To awaken the snares of my heart
To loose my trumpets
And move me forward once more

I'm scared
I'm scared that this black pit
Is the best I'll ever get
I'm scared that everything I've ever worked for
Is nothing more than another failure
I'm scared that you don't actually love me
That I'm just another vacant seat at the table of your mind
I'm scared that the moment I get behind the wheel
I'll desire nothing more than it all to end
I'm scared that I've got nowhere else to go
That I'm unemployable
I'm terrified that there will always be a catch
A doubt, a hesitation
I'm scared that I'm I forgettable
That I'm worthless
I'm terrified that no one will understand
That I'm completely alone
I'm afraid that I need help
But the help I need is beyond my pay grade
I'm afraid that the emptiness I feel is how it will always be
Because I have nothing to fill the void
I've been passed over
I've been abandoned
I've been forgotten
And I can't let it go...
My deepest fears have been acknowledged
And validated
And now I'm afraid
I'm pathetic,
I'm worthless
I'm afraid that to the world,
I may not even exist

If you see him
Tell him I've moved on
Tell him that the tambourine in my chest plays a new beat
But if I were to see him, yes, he'd still shake me
If you see him
Tell him I've reached new heights
Tell him that the snow on the mountains is nothing more than eraser shavings
From the memories I've had wiped from my mind
There's little of him I'll remember
If you see him
Tell him I've learned to swim
Tell him he can find me where the currents start
Where the water won't be salted any more
Because the oceans of my eyes will be salted enough
If you see him
Tell him that night was his fault
Tell him that the moon is his fault
But it's the only memory I've kept of him
I'll be out walking the highway
And I know he doesn't drive this way
But if I see him
I'll tell him
That the tambourine in my chest still shakes to his beat
And the oceans in my eyes are ready for him to weep
I'll tell him
That his name is carved across the surface of my heart
So that my pulse will always kiss him
That the tin soldiers in my toes
Were and still are the only thing driving me forward
If I see him
I'll tell him
He's an ***
But I wouldn't have it any other way

I looked in my closet today
Overrun with cardigans, trousers and blazers
And one lonely glittering dress
But instead of threads and buttons
I saw the child that once huddled in the corner
Carpet pulled back
Revealing the blades
The hooks
Staples
The toys she knew
To express herself with
The taint on her heart growing
I looked in my closet today
And saw how far I've come
Out of the darkness