i thought you’d taste different
from the others that have been there since me.

i thought you’d feel different
from the time that aged your skin.

i thought you’d sound different
from all the nicotine you’ve inhaled since then.

i thought you’d be different
from the boy who held my heart for the very first time.

instead you’re the same.

and it takes everything not to fall back
and let you catch me again.
the way my heart holds its breath,
and my lungs contract.
the way my skin melts,
and my eyes crystallise.
the way my bones swell,
and my marrow crumbles.

just from
      one look
             at you.
it’s been quite some time since we last collided
and most of you has faded from my mind.
but every once in a while,
your phantom limbs remind me
of the hold they have on my heart.

i can feel your right sleeve instinctively reach around my waist
and the weight of your fingers digging into my bare skin,
reminding me i was loved.

i can smell your cologne,
as i buried my face in your shoulder
and the scent of your shampoo as you leaned in
and whispered in my ear
electricity running down my spine.

i can see every edge and vein of those hands,
while my hungry eyes tried to soak up every piece of you
and your fingertips reaching for my face,
before you made me melt for the first time.

i want to reach out to the boy i love
just one more time,
but time has changed your spirit
just as time has changed your fingertips.
the problem isn’t that you don’t love me back,
or that i love you at all.
it’s that even if we could be,
we’d be destined to fall.
i want to dance along to Sinatra at 2am, your arms melted into my waist. i want blanket forts filled with fairy lights, that we eventually both fall asleep in after one too many movies. i want to feel a cup of hot chocolate against my cold palms and nothing but pure love looking up at you. i want your arms wrapped around my hips from behind and a soft hello nuzzled against my neck. i want my legs swaying off a kitchen counter top, holding a glass of red wine, wearing nothing but your shirt, laughing at your jokes.

but even more than all that,
i just want you.
from the other side of the parking lot,
i already see your shadow leaning against the lamppost.
with broad shoulders and heads tilted back and burning cigarettes.

your lungs breathe in decay,
yet i’ve never met anyone half as alive.
you glow from miles away
from the pure fire pouring through your veins.

maybe its the part of me that feels so hollow, so empty
that fell in love with you,
attracted by the light so contradictory to itself.
or maybe instead its the rare part of me ,
that explodes with the same blaze as you,
desperate to learn how to stay around for longer.
or maybe its the combination of both those polar extremes,
that formed an attraction so strong,
it feels irreversible.

i could take the risk
and see if you could love me too,
but i think i’d prefer not to find out,
in risk of losing the boy
with nicotine lining his lips.
i know that i’ve pretended like it
and that at first glance
it might even seem true
but i’ll never be easy
loving me,

        will never be easy

i’ll call you at 3am, scared that the world is falling apart
i’ll become obsessed with your love because i don’t have any for myself
i’ll get low and only inhale darkness for a little while
i’ll never be easy
but it’ll be worth your while

i hope
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