I want to write a poem
And I suppose I will write it about you
Your name is still saved with the last name Romance in my phone
When I think of you I think of
You pouring sugar into your whiskey
Before we went out
I saw you through the little window of your cabinets in that dim orange light
I think of running around drunk and having so much fun
The way you lifted me up on your hip there
By the river to blubber something in French to your friends still gives me such delight
Years later and no one has managed to pick me up like that
Make me feel like that
And then she leaned in and kissed me
Did you watch?
I didn’t expect it at all
Then I left you two in bed
I was still drunk as I rushed to shove my clothes into my carry on
Nearly fell asleep and
Missed my flight to Lisbon
But we had so much fun huh?
You have this way about you
Where for a moment
You make me feel like the most special woman and girl in the world
Not just you but everything around you
The world
The tree branches
Your leather jacket
Your scruff
The breeze
Your scent
The night
The dewy grass
Your lazy lips
Your careless hands that
Suddenly become anything but
Everything wends
It’s way into giving me all of you
While you look away
And it’s divine
You made me feel
Like both a fly on the wall
And also the star of the show all in one moment
It was perfect for a classic avoidant like me
But we expired early

In another life I suppose you're my husband
And we have some French Jewish babies
And you make me cover up when
The very Jewish repair man comes
And I don’t do it
And you get angry at my disrespect
And I love it
So we have ***
But you get tired and don’t finish
I make a good dinner
But burn yours just a bit
And you slap my *** on the way to the shower
And I muss your hair
And you kiss my stomach
And bury your head between my *******
And tell me I’m a good wife
And I tell you I know it
And then I lay down with you
On the couch and we watch a documentary about bears
And I kiss your fingertips
And tell you I love you
And you tell me the same
But the marriage inevitably goes up in flames

Not when you cheat on me
But when I finally break down and cheat on you
And you can’t get over it and it makes you such a pest
And I leave you and miss you all the time

And when we’re old and
We’ve gotten fat
We finally get back together
And the kids are relieved

And we live for a long time
And you always make me feel like a fly on the wall of your life and the star of my own show that you don’t attend

And in this imaginary other life I don’t grow very much at all

You gave me childhood
You gave me silliness
And ease
You taught me how to relax
How to let go
You sat with me in my shame
You gave me grace
You never yelled
Or wanted to fight
You lay down and listened
When I wanted to rage
You gave me kindness and family
You let me in
We were not a match but we did our best
And I am so grateful to you
You gave me countless characters
You were pure play
You let me have my fantasies
You listened to me when I was cruel
You showed me the sight of your heart breaking
You were exactly as you were
You tried, maybe too hard
Because you lied too much
But in the ways that mattered the most to you I know you were honest
And I know you did you damndest
And so did I
And I am so grateful to you

Yesterday I had good news
and I know only you would understand
The way it resonated in the deepest part of my soul
The way it tickled those parts of me only you know about
And I wanted to tell you
But I thought maybe you’ve forgotten those parts of me I showed to you
Or maybe they’ve changed
And you wouldn’t know them anymore
And I thought that telling you might make me seem lonely
Since I haven’t found someone yet to bare those parts of me to yet
But I’m really not ready yet
I thought it might seem sad to you and to the unknowable ether that I haven’t let someone else in to those parts
As I know you have done with your girl
But that’s okay
And I didn’t tell you and instead I just write a poem to thank you
If I reach out
I’m still scared that you’ll get the wrong idea
I’ve had a few dreams lately that you’re having trouble in your relationship
So I don’t want to saunter in
And mess anything up
I really hope you are at peace
And I am so grateful for you

And you did text me
About 10 hours after I wrote that poem
You texted me just as I knew you would
And what do I do with that little hi you sent
Into the ether?

What am I to you? That you text at
4am on a Saturday
Were you still up from the night before?
Were you drunk?
You must have been.
Or were you just waking up?
You’re 24 I think,
So it feels guaranteed that you were drunk
You sent the text then passed out
I wonder if you even remember sending it this morning
I wonder if you’re even awake
Or make you woke up at 4am to go to the gym?
And the in the clear headedness of an early morning you texted me?

No, no I know what it was
You had just had *** with a woman
And it wasn’t what you wanted it to be
And you thought about me
And my *******
And my face and my bed
And the lamp and my apartment
And you thought that THAT was good ***
THAT is what you want
Not whatever reasonable lay you just had
So you texted me

Stupidly.

Unfortunately I feel extremely confident that this is where your text came from
Aren’t you disappointed in yourself?
Are you insane?
Well I do think you have some mental health issues
Some mania

This morning I wondered if I’m like some god you pray to
Asking for guidance
Hoping you’ll find it between my legs
Hoping I’ll give it to you at 4am

Stupid text

"Why couldn't you just meet me for lunch?"
I want to send you in a text
But instead I delete you from my phone
From my computer

Because you won't give me a real answer
You'll lie something ridiculous and believable
Or you'll just ignore the question and tell me how much you crave me
And have me wrapped around your text

Of course you texted me over thanksgiving
What happened? You were with your family
And you looked around at them
And thought
"Carolena would make a good family
Carolena is a good woman and I should text her
And try to be decent"

Is that what happened?
Or maybe it's like Sam said
That he can't respect himself
So he can't respect me

Is that what it is?

Why couldn't you be respectful
Why couldn't you
Why did you have to rip the fantasy away?

You were so delicious
Your broad shoulders
Your perfect face

I could describe more but it doesn't matter
I'll never touch you again
And I have to let the part of me that mourns that die

It was all just a lie to think that I would
A delicious lie I told myself
And you sent me those voice messages
With your voice
I like that voice so much
I like so much about you
Except for I guess whatever trauma makes you such a ****
What happened to you?

I rack my mind wondering if you
Had a terrible accident?
What the **** was the issue that kept you from just
Meeting me in the day time

What a horrible **** boy you are
So manic with those adoring texts you sent
Then so avoidant
So dismissive
So rude

And still, still I crave the husky way you felt against me
The soothing slide of your skin against mine
The ask for permission in your fingertips
The charge in your palms when I granted it
The way you breathed me in
Like I was something you desperately needed
Your scent
Your hands
Your hair
Your electric skin
God I wanted to touch you
I wanted to see what the three years we spent apart had done to change you
Would you have laugh lines?
Would you be different in bed?
Would I look different to you?
Would your mannerisms remind me of things I'd forgotten?
Would we laugh at stupid things?
Would you still look at me like I could teach you things you'd never known?
Would you still look at me like I was a goddess of *** and life and pleasure and discovery and wisdom and truth?
Would you still reveal things about yourself to me that even you didn't know yet?
Would you still charm me with your utter wonder of the world and me?
Would you still make me adore you with the simple way you lean against a door frame?
Would we stay up late with a single lamp on covered in a pillow case?Would you lay on my ribs and make circles around my *******?
Would I get your hair in my mouth and savor it?
Would we finally get to say goodbye?
Would you pick me up so easily?
Would you overwhelm me with your easy saunter towards me?

I wanted
To know you
To love you
And I never ever will now?

What a sick joke.
What is this useless melodrama for?
The drama, oh my the drama it makes me feel like I'm 22
Pining like this

Those 3 years we'd spent apart when you texted me when I was in Paris have now turned into 5
And that time will keep expanding into forever I guess

Why hold a candle to fill the space between you and I?
Why do I do it?
Why do I measure the time?
I guess in hopes I'll see you again in this life
And that in the time between now and the imaginary then you will change and be better
But I need to blow out the candle

And I have countless times.
I have deleted you countless times. But give it time and you will text.
Give it a year, 6 months, you will text.
Why? Why do you also hold out?
Do you also suffer? Is that why you reach out?

I don't understand you and I need to let it go
But I want to understand.

What did you create in me?
That night that you squeezed me so tight
What did you give to me that I don't want to give back?
I want to read you these words and look into your eyes
And know how it effects you
I want to be special to you
I want to be your best friend
I want to know your secrets
I want to be a safe space for you and good god I'd love it if you would be my safe place too
I want to love you.

Maybe I do love you,
Yes, in so many ways I do love you
Useless ways.
I am fond of you and I care for you.
I need to pull out and blow away this honey-colored blob of goo that I keep in my soul for you
This honey-colored energy I can taste
It's so sweet and it makes my mouth water and it brings tears to my eyes and it tightens my chest and you're in it and I need to let it go
You gave me something so special
You told me secret things in the sweet cave of safety and *** I lured us into
"Some people have been married 40 years and probably never feel this way" you said to me
I made you feel like that
"If every one could feel this there would be no war"
I made you feel that way
My body, my *******, my openness, my apartment, my bed, my face, my neck and mouth made you feel that way and then you told me it
That was a gift like no other I've received
And we both sort of threw it away, huh?
Maybe if you had wanted to see me more I probably would have brushed you off like you did me.

Or maybe you realized you had given me too much
Maybe you saw how badly I craved just a bit more of that from you and it was too much
Maybe I was too much
Too intense

Then later you sat at the edge of my bed and I did my favorite thing to do that I've done with so few
I sat behind you and wrapped my knees around you and caressed your back
And supported you so you could lean on me
And feel safe and still like a man as I adored you

I want that all again
But I want it with someone who respect me and themselves
Someone who is my match in so many more ways than the ways that we matched each other that night

The night we first had *** was the anniversary of my failed, traumatic marriage from the year prior. You were bright eyed and bushy tailed and made me feel really alive. And I was at the peak of my spell casting. Maybe I tricked myself and spelled you and then looked at you and spelled myself thinking you were the spell caster.

And I've given up that kind of spell work, I cast different spells now.

But still my eyes water if I think of the way your hair fell over your eyes. Every single thing I did to draw you in marked you the way I hoped it would. Maybe that's what I liked so much. That my magic really worked on you. Each flick of my hand, each little performance of mine had you doing exactly what I wanted you to do.

Each careless-looking swipe of my hand to clear the space where you would have me wasn't careless it all. It was calculated to make it look like I had thrown caution to the wind, for you. And you believed it and you believed that you really had that effect on me. And then I even began to believe that you had that effect on me. But I was the master from the beginning.

I'm still the master I guess.

I hope the undoing of this spell has begun. It feels like it has. It feels like a loosening of the vivid memory of your hair and your hands and your mouth and eyes and voice that sometimes has my heart in ribbons, my angst at an all time high. It feels like its sliding away and I hope it is. I wish this candle would melt down and blow out.

I want to smoke something
And I want to be touched
I am tired of moving and doing
I want to lay down and explore
And sway on someone
Who’s body can support mine
I want to share a laugh with a peer
I want to exist in space
With someone
Has my anxiety been high lately? I wonder
I wonder if something is wrong with me
The little scared child comes from behind the screen
Tears brim in her eyes
And she wonders if she did something wrong
“No” I tell her
As I wrap her in my arms
Put on sweet music
And dance around
“You have never done anything wrong in your life”
And everything becomes okay
And I can lay here
Touch my sternum
And breathe

I never got enough of you
I always wanted more
When I think of you
A softness comes over me
I've never known before

Maybe it's been long enough
I can admit what I didn't like so much

Sometimes you were too much the
social justice warrior for my tastes
But only 1% of the time
The rest of the time we were aligned

Will I ever know a magic like
The magic it was to know you?

It feels utterly impossible I could meet
Another woman who filled me in so many ways
As you did

For 1, I don't see how she would ever be as beautiful as you
This future she
And the history
We built
It wasn't such a beautiful history was it?
Of hurting the other and taking years in the middle to heal
Then avoiding each other
And keeping the cards close
And never saying exactly what we felt
And the values and ideals,
The laughter,
The chemistry,
The freedom,
The emotional maturity,

Ugh, here I am making myself cry over you again

How did I love you so?
It overwhelms me again

I think part of the overwhelm
Is that I still can barely wrap my head around the fact that you wanted me too,
loved me too.

Sometimes I think you could have been better to me
Could have considered me more
The way I considered you
I think you could have been kinder
Softer
Less selfish
More honest with yourself and in turn with me

but that's often how the poly people I've met tend to be
That's often how I was

Countless lovers I know felt the same about me
I could have been kinder,
softer, more considerate,

And I would be now,
If I had a lover to dole out those kinds of things on,

I wonder if you think of me still?

So I look on your instagram,
You haven't posted in a while,
You didn't post for Christmas, or New Years.

I wonder if you are still with that guy?
Is he still jealous and stifling?
Christ, I hope not.

I wonder if I'll text you. And I decide that I will.

Because I love you so very much.

I miss being seen
By someone
Intimately

My ******* haven’t made eye contact
With other ******* in a long while

Though only since October 9
And now it’s Jan 1
And that feels like too long

But I won’t go prowling in the streets like I once would have
For someone yummy
To make me feel seen

Because I’ve long exhausted
The part of me
Who’s intrigued
By a novel human
By their novel *******

No
Now I want someone worthy of the next decade of my life