Name it.
It's on the tip of your tongue.
don't worry I won't tell. I'll keep your secret.
I'll help you solve the riddle. well, the old ones are white. the young ones are a raw pink. and the babies are blood red. all in different directions. road maps. showing roads, streets, alleys, and avenues of pain. hidden well and undiscovered. well almost. but it's ok everything can be blamed on the cat or maybe just extreme klutziness. this is the first and last time.......that someone will find out. Locked away with a plain key. one that will never be beautiful or extraordinary never hung on a delicate chain for everyone to see. keep yourself close and your pain closer

Note To The Reader: Attempting to read all of these would be ridiculous but I hope that you can scroll through and hopefully see something you can connect to.....

1. I am sad or unhappy a lot

2. I am happy sometimes though and so I try to make other people laugh then to make up for the times I make them cry

3. I love sunny days with a light breeze and alternately heavy rain and thunderstorms

4. I am a sucker for all things involving sugar in all its forms

5. I am an analyzer

6. I am a worrier

7. I am messy

8. I am opposed to people who aren't themselves and people who apologize for saying the truth

9. I am a terrible typer and speller

10. Fine is a word I use for almost everything

11. I dislike spending time with most of the people I know

12. I dont think the apocalypse would be a bad thing

13. Eight is my lucky number

14. I love books as they are my escape

15. I am in love

16. I want to be an artist

17. Music is my life and the reason I'm still alive  

18. I only watch really funny movies or really sad movies

19. I love making lists

20. I love buying new notebooks and pencils

21. I'm self conscious and stubborn

22. I'm mildly lazy and very direct

23. Obsessed with DIY

25. Im a freak about germs

26. I am and have been depressed from a very young age

27. My favorite colors are blue and brown

28. I believe in magic but not true love

Believing what they told her. Fat. Stupid. Slow. Being what they expected her to be. Just to escape the torment. Resorting to the sidekick position. The helpless follower. Never equal. Always to slow to be worth it. The fat kid in gym. The last one to finish the math problem. Blamed on dyslexia on big bones. Then it happened like a caterpillar her shape morphed became something that might be desireable. But by then her wings were riddled with the holes from past abuse. There was no confidence only anger and defensiveness on her horizon. In an attempt to salvage what was left of her she flew away to a place she thought was beautiful. A place she could start new, fresh. A place where she could hide the holes. But in the end winter came freezing her keeping her from moving while she was attacked over and over by new beasts who tore the holes open and gradually made them into bottomless pools of sorrow... When summer came she rested and patched over the holes to try again somewhere new... How does the story end? Thats up to you.

the unreachable black hole disguised as a star

                                                         something you cant quite mange

teasing you with its proximity

                                                  

                                                                                                       there are many things in the universe control is not one of them

Sometimes people are in a bad place
And we keep it bottled up where no one can see it
Then at some point the bottle is just too full
And something has to spill out or the glass will shatter
My bottle is full to the brim and has been for a while
This is my spill:
Someone to believe in me
That's all I need
No matter what happens, no matter how many times I fail
No matter how much I change my mind
No matter if I'm cheerful or depressed
I used to have someone who was this to me
But in my limited experience I have learned:
That nothing is forever
This was no exception
There position is open
So far no takers.

"Daddy I love you."

"Thats nice sweetheart"
.
.
.
.
"Are you listening?"

"Nope couldn't hear you I was listening to music."

"I said I love you"

"Thats cute Dad."

If they knew you the real you...who I loved first...they would love you too...green eyed monster... me...she can't bear the thought of you moving on...loving some else even though I have done exactly that...If everyone else could see the way I did...with out judgement...they would know the truth...you are amazing...the way you smile...what was the issue?...well you listened to them you took their words and made them true... my love for you had and always will be special...but that didn't matter...it was still love...what you made for me...It was a tiny piece of heaven...walking together holding hands headphones in...you understood my music was more important than anything...One a fire always ashes...one piece of me will always belong to you...Now matter how much you change you to me you will be the same... a beautiful boy...

Your question:
CC?
My Answer:
Yes.

I walked in
For a moment
Stood in the threshold
Watching you

All the time
the only thought in my head:
This is it. This is goodbye.

Maybe my subconscious knew
We wouldn't last

You looked up at me
through your lashes
I came over
I stood on my tiptoes
You looked down at me

Then I said goodbye
Your face flashed
Confusion
Sadness
Maybe Anger?

I gave my excuse
Then walked away

You'll never know but I turned back
Expecting to see you
Looking
Watching me go

But it was a romantic notion
I had created in my head

You were already lost in a different game

Day 1

And I'm still in love

The memory

The reality

Building a tower

Leading to the

Clouds in which

We dreamed

Day 2

Barely hanging on

A glimpse of light in dark

like embers of a once blazing fire

All passion erased

All that remain are

The shattered remains

Day 3

Gone

A barren land

Stripped of all life

No memories

No love

Only Reality

Green. Calming and Mellow
In total contrast with the raging seas of the depression
Riding the highs until you find yourself in a low
The lowest of lows
Smiles as rare as true sunlight
Highs, and Lows  
I love you....
high. High. HIGH
....But happiness isn't everything
LOW. Low. low
Pain crashing like waves
Relentless
Radiating from the hand
that has just punched the wall
Radiating from the heart
that just lost its will to pump
Radiating from a body
that has watched its soul
Burn

How can I explain it to people.
They accuse me of changing my mind.
Of flip flopping
To them I want to say:
"Hey, if you had a life changing decision to make would you just make a snap judgement?"
Should I take the road that takes me the farthest?
Should I take the road that makes me happy?
How can I know what will keep me happiest?
There is no guarantee.
How am I supposed to choose what is best?
Sometimes we make stupid decisions based on stupid things.
I'm afraid of making the wrong decision.

Really?*
The question
The catylist to a hurricane in her once calm seas
The hurricane grew
It hit her flawless shores
Caused her pure cities to flood
With doubt
Insecurity
Unsure of every compliment
She lost her faith in the goodness
She is past tense now
"Children this is what happens when..."

all jingling together. one for the house. one for the car. one for the truth. one for the secret never told. you keep them close to your heart. these keys. like the skins of an onion.one tearful layer after another must be peeled to find the center. like tiny bells they are constant reminders of commitments and promises. So which one is the key. which one do you what? The key to happiness? Or the key success? pick your key. choose wisely.

As soft waves caressing the ocean shore

As timeless trees in the forest

As brilliant sunsets  

As the song

My heart plays for you

You know your breaking me

So why wouldnt you let me heal?

Instead you apply the daily dose of salt to my wounds

Your lies contantly chipping away at the walls keeping me safe

Safe from the old pain the wall was built to keep away

You are the cage
The border
The fence

The love, which you used to simulataneously ensnare me and keep me with you, its poison

The kind of poison that doesnt **** you
It affects you permanently
Becomes a part of you
And then in the end
You will die with the poison sitting stationary in your veins

Can you solve me?

unfold me expose my problems.maybe not. a simple bow slowly becoming a masterpiece of interwoven components. pick up sticks. twister. limbo. on the brink of collapse. One. two. three strikes your out. those are the rules, are you ready? go! drugs. depression. disability.drinking. abuse. blasting any sound to keep out the shouts. deceit. lies. regret. curses spewed out. careful you might trip. Or maybe you already are. like I said a bow, so easy to undo, so simplistic, internally it becomes equivalent to rocket science.  Where's the key to success? the missing puzzle piece? buried in as-seen-on-tv purchases and old moldy mattresses children's toys and croc pots. smothering the pain of a loved one passed. is he dead or alive?who knows. Is she going to make it to 50?unlikely. suicide just in time for a birthday. unfair exchange. continuing pattern. someone has to make up the hoi palloi  no one can or will solve it. you can take that to the bank...just wait a couple weeks.

"You are one of my best friends"

She said with her charismatic smile. Expecting me to respond with one of the acceptable answers "Same!" or maybe she expected me to smile and say "Thank you". Knowing this I responded "Only one of them?" This threw her for a second but she responded with a polite "Yeah I have a lot of friends." I wondered why she would pretend to be 'best friends' with everybody when in reality there is always someone at the top. There will always be the friend who is only picked when all else fails. Second best. Consolation prize. Giving you the ability to say "I didn't win but look I got *this

Hello my name is Jo and Im a shapeshifter
Hello Jo
I change when Im around him
He makes me someone who gets drunk
He makes me into a person willing to forsake those most important to me
He makes me into the worst version of myself
He is my father
He uses everything he's got to overpower everyone else
I learned my shapeshifter habits from him
Thats why Im here
To say enough
To put a stop to my shapeshifter ways

The sky relinquishes its water

The tears I can't cry

Are substituted by the endless droplets bombarding my face

Silent and Imperceptible  

We broke like a cloud split apart by lightning

It was sudden but not without pain

Both of us blind

It was a shot in the dark that killed us

Transformed us back into you and me

We are the puzzle pieces that look like they are a match

But once put together it becomes obvious that

They are completely the wrong shape

Would that change anything?

Would you change your mind?

If I picked the right song

Sang it.

You might think you want to hear what I have to say.

You are wrong

If by chance you convinced me to

My song would slowly break you down

Down to the basics carbon, oxygen, nitrogen.

Maybe you could be recycled

All of your good qualities used for good

And your bad qualities?

I would capture them in my song. absorb them. Candy coat them for someone else's benefit.

Somewhere far far away
Over the rainbow
Its 5 o'clock
A family is waking up hungry, to the sound
Of gunshots
A young mother cradles a baby
She doesnt expect to live
Like so many others she waits
For an end
Any end

Across the world
The illusion is correct
The grass is greener
Life easier
Its five o'clock
The mother is cooking
While her children set the table
In their perfect home surrounded
By a picket fence
In their gated community
Where the only screams are
Those of children playing

thats the thing about them they are so small hardly anything to complain about but at the same time so painful bright vibrant blood holding the secrets of our beings spills carelessly no one can see it there is no scar left behind to prove anything only the dread remains fear every time you turn a page insignificant yet we still grant it a bandaid we recognize its legitimacy because these small trivial cuts are the ones that get to us that continue to eat away at  us even after the self pity you expect to be hurt by the sticks and stones but in the end its the paper on which we place our words.* Thats what gets you in the end

You have hurt me too deep this time
Now its irreversible*
She goes into the room that once was a safe haven
She tears all of the things that remind her
Remind her of all the happiness
That has been shot to hell now
She sets all of it on fire
And as the happy facade melts away
The truth is visible
It was a jail cell disguised with
Glow in the dark stars, posters, and pictures of fake happiness
After, sitting alone among her memories
Scattered ashes of a life that has caught fire
She screams for no one and no one comes
And at last the tears wander down her cheeks
Melting into nothing
Disappearing just like her

He dials a number he thought he knew by heart.

She waits for the call she knows will never come.

They live in separate worlds of pain.

Ring, Ring, Ring

Him: Hello?
Her: Hi....Who is this?
Him: I'm sorry is Julie there?
Her: No sorry I think you have the wrong number
Him: Ok thank you
Her: Ok....Bye
Him: Hey wait....I know this is crazy but do you want to get coffee sometime?
Her: ............Um.........I'm sorry I don't even know you
Him: I just have a feeling....Please....It's just a cup of coffee
Her:..............No. I'm sorry
Him:Well I guess you have my number now......Call me if you ever change your mind....Bye.
Her: *Bye.

Looking back
All the way back to when we
Talked

Talked about life and purpose
When we joked and teased each other
About everything

When we openly
Fought
About who was perfect
And who was settling

Looking back
Wondering what when wrong
What changed?

I look in the mirror
And I have my answer