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Nov 2014 · 1.0k
Blame
When you sit in your room and cry,
You can't blame me,
For I did nothing wrong.

When you decide that you don't want to go to school,
You can't face their taunts and teases,
You can't blame me.

When you find that the one person that you trusted, turned against you,
You can't blame me,
For I did nothing wrong.

When you find me sitting here,
My blood barely seeping through my hallowing veins,
You can't blame me,
For I just found an escape.

But you see,
While you can't blame me for any of these things,
I can...
May 2014 · 629
It's hard out here
There are so many people that could just make you or break you,
The constant remarks and snickers from other girls that you are too fat,
You stop eating all together,
How could people be so obnoxious?
If you're not a size 6 you are not good looking,
You won't eat again until you are just skin and bones,
You won't ever be as perfect as those models, NEVER.
You develop a constant obsession with being perfect,
When really you can't see what you are doing to yourself.
Others around you notice but choose to ignore.
When one day you have a fight with your mother in public,
She calls you 'A stupid, ugly, anorexic *****',
But this deosn't sting anymore because you are so used to abuse from her,
She frequently tries to run you out of the family,
Not even caring that you are her own flesh and blood,
Her fear controls her,
The fear of having one of 'those' people in her family overrules her judgment,
The times you needed her she turned her back,
Every action you did made her loath you even more,
She puts in a face to please those around her,
But you know the real her,
And your are ashamed to call her, but still do,
Your mother.
May 2014 · 754
Your Consequence
The more you push me away, the worse it gets.
You make it worse.
The worse it gets, the more it hurts.
You hurt me.
The more it hurts, the harder it gets.
You make it hard.
It gets harder and harder and I just can't seem to cope anymore.
You made me do it.
You pushed and pushed me until I broke.
You shall one day break from the pressure of holding it in,
All alone.
You shall one day break just as you broke me.
Apr 2014 · 555
Darkness, be my friend
This glass wall,
It holds me back,
So I'm stuck here,
Off the track.

I don't know how I got here,
It's been a long time in the coming,
Although I lack in the courage,
Still I keep going and going.

Until one day I gave up,
I couldn't fight it any more,
This overwhelming black darkness,
Just bashing at my door.

I don't know why I let it in,
I didn't have the energy I suppose,
For I have been knocked down,
Weak for, only god knows.

It creeps through my veins,
Like poison eating away,
The life drained out of me,
No energy at any time of day.  

For life without you,
Would be this way,
I hope I have the ability,
To outlive this day.
Apr 2014 · 670
Don't take my sanity
If you take away my poetry,
That would be the end,
Destroying along with it a part of me,
That would never be fixable again.

It is in my soul,
Part of my life,
For you may as well just hand me,
A bit of rope and a knife.

For I can not live without my escape,
To a far away land,
Where no one can judge you,
For reading a book on the sand.

There are books a plentiful,
And movies to take,
For everyone is trustworthy,
And we make few mistakes.

That's the life I look forward to,
Just look and you'll see,
No one wants to be trapped here,
On this planet for eternity.
So don't take away,
My poetry from me,
It is, in fact,
My last resort at regaining,
My lost sanity.
Mar 2014 · 781
As a matter of fact
It’s just a fact that I’m ugly and you’re not.
It’s just a fact that I’m a ***** when you have actually slept with someone.
It’s just a fact that I’m way too fat when you are the perfect size.
It’s just a fact that when I eat I nearly ***** at the sight of food on my plate but you can eat properly.
It’s just a fact that I hate myself too much and now you hate me too.
It’s just the fact that when I eat I hate people watching me but you’re cool with it.
It’s just a fact that you have loving parents and I have nothing.
It’s just a fact that when I go to bed what I mean to say is ‘Let’s go lay down and worry about what everyone thinks about me then let’s go and over-think all of my insecurities and make them 100x worse’.
It’s just a fact that you’re lovable when I never will be.
It’s just a fact that accept yourself when I could never do such a thing.
It’s just a fact that I’m just another ******* ***** up, so why do I bother anyway???
Jan 2014 · 1.1k
Blood is thicker than water
Why can’t I forget about you,
The way you forgot about me?
Why do I still care,
Even though you abandoned me?
Why do I still think about you,
When you wouldn’t give two ***** about me?
I remember some things that happened,
Good times, or were they just random dreams?
I need to confirm this,
But I’ve already shut you out of my life.
How can I get through this,
Without betraying the people who took me in,
The people who loved me enough to care?
I need answers.
No matter how much I put you down,
In front of everyone else,
I know that deep down in my heart,
I love you,
And I probably always will.
It doesn’t matter what you did wrong,
We are family and that means that we need to stick together,
Through the good times and the rough patches.
I know you probably hate me right now,
But it is the least I can do to not cry over it.
After all,
Strong people don’t cry,
Crying is a sign of weakness,
I will not be portrayed as weak,
After all I have gone through.
My past is a mystery to most.
I refuse to speak about it, but only to my best friends,
I am tired of not sleeping,
Due to the stressfulness and worry that you cause me.
I stay up all night thinking of how it could have gone,
If you didn’t leave us, for that ***** you cheated on.
She is a dragon, and you married her behind my mother’s back,
You disgust me but I think you punishment is over.
I am sick and tired of all this commotion.
If you will believe me,
I need my father back…
Nov 2013 · 2.3k
Flashback
Flashback

One day when I was younger,
I was asked what I wanted to be,
When I grew up;
By my mother.

I said:
'When I grow up mummy,
I want to be a beautician!'

She said:
'Well munchkin,
Why do you want to be a beautician?'

I replied:
'Mummy?
Isn't it obvious??'

Mummy asked quizzically:
'No, honey,
What's obvious'

'Mummy, I want to be a beautician,
So I can help people,
Make them look beautiful.
Even if I'm not and no one will love me,
I still want other people to be beautiful and happy.' I said in a 'duh' tone of voice.

'Baby daddy loves you and-' she started but I cut her off.

'No mummy! He thinks that I'm ugly and useless! I heard  him on the phone! Mummy I know he left because of me!' I started sobbing.

'No baby, you aren't useless and ugly. I will always be here for you and I will always love you. Daddy was just so stupid he doesn't know what he's talking about.' She coed.

I started to calm down but made her promise 'Mummy will you promise me something please?'

'Sure bubba, whatever you want.' She said calmly.

'Mummy, will you pinky promise me that you will always love me and never leave me?' I asked, suddenly nervous.

'Of course I will baby. I will never ever leave you!'  She then took my pinky and promised. *

*2 years later

I sat in my room sobbing. How was I supposed to look after my brother and me by myself?

She broke her promise * was the only thought running through my mind.

She left me and my brother to fend for ourselves. No mother. No father.

She left us for another man.

One I now hated.

She left us for God.

She was ...

* dead
Nov 2013 · 958
Be careful who you fall for
A love so sacred,
So harmless and pure,
Will somehow,
Leave you craving for more.

A pull deep down,
Urging it's way up,
You'll always feel like,
A half empty cup.

For life as we know it,
Will change and spin,
Just another example,
Of the world we live in.

People come and go,
But hearts remain shattered,
Like tiny pieces of glass,
All fragmented and shattered.

I've learnt this the hard way,
So don't be so sure,
About the person you love,
*I've decided to just not love anymore...
Nov 2013 · 1.3k
Blame Yourself
You shout at me,
Call me a *****,
And keep swearing at me.

I put on an brave face,
Say that I don't care,
Then head to my room, race,
Before the tears fall, This is just not fair.

Your words hurt and sting,
I didn't ask for this,
But your shouts get louder and louder,
You know I'm not listening.

I've lived with you for years now,
You're my guardian for GOD's sake,
But right now i can't even remember,
The last time my smile wasn't fake.

The longer I act,
The easier it gets,
My friends don't even know one fact,
About me, as I keep up with my lies.

I get shunned at school,
For being smart,
I get pushed and shoved,
Like some useless old tool.

They don't know,
How much it hurts,
But I will never free or show,
The pain I keep locked up.

They don't know how much I want to die,
I just scratch and cut and keep scratching myself,
Tonight my brother asked about my marks,
But I just shrugged it off and ate my pie.

They don't know the pain that is the price,
For me just to keep going, live,
But death offers a relief,
One that panadol could never give.

So I lay here confused,
As to what to do next,
Knife at the ready,
Wrist already flexed.

I start cutting for the last time,
Happy to die,
But you find me and start shouting,
And I wonder why??

I watch the tears fall down your face,
You'll never accept me in the same way again,
The blood seepes through my shirt,
Ruining the lace.

You never cared before,
So why start now
,
These are my last thoughts
As I calmly walk towards the white glowing door.

*Finally gone,
Yes I'm free,
Now I'm finally good enough for someone,
That someone is me...
Oct 2013 · 769
What Would You Do?
What would you do if I was in a car crash?
How would you act?
Would you cry?
Or just stand there stunned?
Being my best friend,
Would you ever leave my bedside?
Would you give me my homework?
Or instead just walk away,
Not liking the sight of me,
Laying on a hospital bed chords everywhere?
But most importantly...
What would you do if I died?
Would you come to my funeral?
Would ever think about me?
Would you ever think about the dreams and plans I had made for myself?

But...

Would you still love me...?
©
Oct 2013 · 894
Finally free...
I cut,
Each time the blade wretching deeper into my wrist,
Blood oozing out of my skin,
Like waves in the night, full of wist.

A rush of adrenalin surging through my veins,
As I cut deeper and deeper,
I can no longer take control of the reins,
I can no longer take control of my actions.

I am in a daze,
No longer in connection with anything,
Like I'm all alone in this big maze,
Cut off from the world.

But I wasn't like this 6 years ago,
I was a good little kid,
Playing with lease and snow.

Life was so simple,
And now I can see,
How much I've changed, for the worse,
And exactly what impact you've had on me.

When you left everything went sour,
As you craved to live,
And seek more power.

No father in my life,
Has led me up a tree,
And now leading me to this knife,
Ever so painfully.

Now I lay here,
Slowly fading away,
Not even a friend near.

Pain subsiding,
Fear demolishing all hope,
Of ever being me.

Gliding,
Gliding away as if I had wings,
Pain gone, I feel fresh,
New almost,
I can see my body lying in a tangled mesh.

As I rise upwards,
Finally free,
Now no one can make an impact on me...
©
Oct 2013 · 1.1k
Innocence...
Spinning, Spinning, Spinning around,
My head up to the sky, not facing the ground,
A laugh escapes my lips,
As I try to walk in a straight line, hands on hips,
I twadle around, leaning sideways,
Tilting movement, going in all different ways,
I giggle as I fall to the floor,
And then crack up even more,
I was so happy, I was so free,
I can now see the little girl I used to be,
And exactly what you have stolen from me...
©
Sep 2013 · 926
Turning the World Dark
Just a wish in the heart of my soul,
Just a mere whisper in my brain,
Just a constant reminder of how you got taken,
Just a reminder of that horrible day,
'Tears turn to ice,
In the cold winter streets,
A girl has just lost her father and brother',
That girl is me,
War, terrible war,
Consuming more and more people, like the Grim Reaper,
And land is destroyoed, almost as if everything has been ****** into a black hole,
Innocent people died for no reason,
What started out to be a fight between 2 people,
Has taken shape to the world,
And at what cost?
We will only call truce in the end,
People have lost their lives,
Not for love or hope,
But for selfishness and narcasticicy,
I hope you are happy,
Because I'm not...
©
Sep 2013 · 980
Why?
I was never normal,
I guess I knew that from the start,
I was only born to have a bruised and battered heart,
The things I felt,
The pain, the anger, the relief,
The feeling of abandonment,
The heartbreak, the hatred, the grief,
The life I was lived,
The love I once had,
Is gone,
And it all started with one selfish, narcissistic Dad.
©
I remember the day you left,
It replays so clearly in my mind,
I don't think you knew exactly what you were leaving behind.
Suitcase in hand,
You walked out the door,
You looked back at me and I cried once more.
Tears streamed down my face,
But you just looked away,
Feeling out of place.
You strode out the door,
My pleading made it worse,
'DON'T LEAVE DADDY' I screamed and I heard you curse.
I knew you would regret it,
You were so wrapped up in yourself,
All you wanted was more and more wealth.
You ripped me off,
My mum the most,
You took all our money, from pillar to post.
You weren't there when we needed you most,
When times got hard you just left us to rot,
You didn't give a **** about us, just about what you got.
I used to 'Daddy' little girl' but not anymore,
I refuse to talk to you, communicate even,
I don't even want to see your face, which you don't belive in.
I used to love you,
I used to care,
But those days are over, my heart has been stripped bare.
It is hard for me to trust,
To talk at all,
For I am worried it will all happen again and again I will fall.
I became depressed when you left,
I didn't want to move schools, but you made sure I would,
Paid no money to my mum but we tried as best as we could.
I was 8 when you left me,
Depression took over,
It looked after me, giving me a strong shelter and cover.
Mum got sick but my little brother and I had no idea why,
My mum turned bulimic from the cancer that formed,
Anorexia, Bulimia, Cancer all started to take form.
You don't know how hard it is, how much it hurt,
Being the mother to your brother, and your mum, while trying to be a kid,
I did all the housework, in the end I snapped,
Couldn't take it anymore, I just cracked.
I watched my mum slowly dieing, crumbling, out of my reach,
Although that's just what you wanted isn't it,
To tear us apart bit by bit.
Causing us pain somehow amused you,
Making you happy,
Making me snappy.
Life was hard,
But now I see,
You meant everything but now mean nothing to me...
©
Sep 2013 · 3.4k
You Are My World
I see you sad and it tears my world apart,
On stage when you are performing,
The joy in your eyes dominant,
One thing can influence everything.
When management turned down your mic on stage,
Your world turned sour but mine started crumbling into little pieces,
You are My Life, My World,My Heart belongs to you,
To see you sad kills me inside,
Especially that Harry had to go over and comfort you,
I was furious with management,
I could've killed the person that hurt you and made you sad,
Call me overprotective,
You don't even know me and probably never will,
Yet I will lay my life down on the line for you any day,
I love you and will alwaysstand by your side,
Niall Horan.
©
I wrote this because I was furious with management for turning Niall's mic down and for even slightly suggesting that he only play guitar and not sing. Niall, if you are out there somewhere, if you ever want to talkor anything, I am just and always will be a message away...
Sep 2013 · 721
I will never be perfect
I don't have the perfect teeth.
I hate my hair.
I don't have a thigh gap.
I always feel fat.
I don't have a clearface.
I have and never will feel properly loved.
I don't have perfect feet.
I always feel bad about being me.
I don't have the perfect body.
I hate myself in every way possible.
But there are some days when I do feel loved for who I am,
Then there are others when I wound up in bed,
Hoping to die ,
Speaking Muffled in to my pillow,
Wishing for things but knowing they will never come true...
©
Sep 2013 · 707
Life is a story
Life is a story,
It can not be contained,
Nor it can not be fulfilled.
The things we feel are mutual,
The heartbreak we experience kills us,
But we get over it,
The pain we feel at the death of a loved one,
we shatter to pieces but eventually glue ourselves back together.
Life is hard, treturous even,
But in the end, just think ofit as a test,
We get through one, then another comes along and blows us out to sea,
But as we get older,they are seeing how long we will last,
We will get our grade,
Whether A, B, C, D, E or F,
Happiness will find us,
We just have to pass these tests...
©

— The End —