It’s just a fact that I’m ugly and you’re not.
It’s just a fact that I’m a ***** when you have actually slept with someone.
It’s just a fact that I’m way too fat when you are the perfect size.
It’s just a fact that when I eat I nearly ***** at the sight of food on my plate but you can eat properly.
It’s just a fact that I hate myself too much and now you hate me too.
It’s just the fact that when I eat I hate people watching me but you’re cool with it.
It’s just a fact that you have loving parents and I have nothing.
It’s just a fact that when I go to bed what I mean to say is ‘Let’s go lay down and worry about what everyone thinks about me then let’s go and over-think all of my insecurities and make them 100x worse’.
It’s just a fact that you’re lovable when I never will be.
It’s just a fact that accept yourself when I could never do such a thing.
It’s just a fact that I’m just another ******* ***** up, so why do I bother anyway???

Why can’t I forget about you,
The way you forgot about me?
Why do I still care,
Even though you abandoned me?
Why do I still think about you,
When you wouldn’t give two ***** about me?
I remember some things that happened,
Good times, or were they just random dreams?
I need to confirm this,
But I’ve already shut you out of my life.
How can I get through this,
Without betraying the people who took me in,
The people who loved me enough to care?
I need answers.
No matter how much I put you down,
In front of everyone else,
I know that deep down in my heart,
I love you,
And I probably always will.
It doesn’t matter what you did wrong,
We are family and that means that we need to stick together,
Through the good times and the rough patches.
I know you probably hate me right now,
But it is the least I can do to not cry over it.
After all,
Strong people don’t cry,
Crying is a sign of weakness,
I will not be portrayed as weak,
After all I have gone through.
My past is a mystery to most.
I refuse to speak about it, but only to my best friends,
I am tired of not sleeping,
Due to the stressfulness and worry that you cause me.
I stay up all night thinking of how it could have gone,
If you didn’t leave us, for that ***** you cheated on.
She is a dragon, and you married her behind my mother’s back,
You disgust me but I think you punishment is over.
I am sick and tired of all this commotion.
If you will believe me,
I need my father back…

Flashback

One day when I was younger,
I was asked what I wanted to be,
When I grew up;
By my mother.

I said:
'When I grow up mummy,
I want to be a beautician!'

She said:
'Well munchkin,
Why do you want to be a beautician?'

I replied:
'Mummy?
Isn't it obvious??'

Mummy asked quizzically:
'No, honey,
What's obvious'

'Mummy, I want to be a beautician,
So I can help people,
Make them look beautiful.
Even if I'm not and no one will love me,
I still want other people to be beautiful and happy.' I said in a 'duh' tone of voice.

'Baby daddy loves you and-' she started but I cut her off.

'No mummy! He thinks that I'm ugly and useless! I heard  him on the phone! Mummy I know he left because of me!' I started sobbing.

'No baby, you aren't useless and ugly. I will always be here for you and I will always love you. Daddy was just so stupid he doesn't know what he's talking about.' She coed.

I started to calm down but made her promise 'Mummy will you promise me something please?'

'Sure bubba, whatever you want.' She said calmly.

'Mummy, will you pinky promise me that you will always love me and never leave me?' I asked, suddenly nervous.

'Of course I will baby. I will never ever leave you!'  She then took my pinky and promised. *

*2 years later

I sat in my room sobbing. How was I supposed to look after my brother and me by myself?

She broke her promise * was the only thought running through my mind.

She left me and my brother to fend for ourselves. No mother. No father.

She left us for another man.

One I now hated.

She left us for God.

She was ...

* dead

A love so sacred,
So harmless and pure,
Will somehow,
Leave you craving for more.

A pull deep down,
Urging it's way up,
You'll always feel like,
A half empty cup.

For life as we know it,
Will change and spin,
Just another example,
Of the world we live in.

People come and go,
But hearts remain shattered,
Like tiny pieces of glass,
All fragmented and shattered.

I've learnt this the hard way,
So don't be so sure,
About the person you love,
*I've decided to just not love anymore...

You shout at me,
Call me a *****,
And keep swearing at me.

I put on an brave face,
Say that I don't care,
Then head to my room, race,
Before the tears fall, This is just not fair.

Your words hurt and sting,
I didn't ask for this,
But your shouts get louder and louder,
You know I'm not listening.

I've lived with you for years now,
You're my guardian for GOD's sake,
But right now i can't even remember,
The last time my smile wasn't fake.

The longer I act,
The easier it gets,
My friends don't even know one fact,
About me, as I keep up with my lies.

I get shunned at school,
For being smart,
I get pushed and shoved,
Like some useless old tool.

They don't know,
How much it hurts,
But I will never free or show,
The pain I keep locked up.

They don't know how much I want to die,
I just scratch and cut and keep scratching myself,
Tonight my brother asked about my marks,
But I just shrugged it off and ate my pie.

They don't know the pain that is the price,
For me just to keep going, live,
But death offers a relief,
One that panadol could never give.

So I lay here confused,
As to what to do next,
Knife at the ready,
Wrist already flexed.

I start cutting for the last time,
Happy to die,
But you find me and start shouting,
And I wonder why??

I watch the tears fall down your face,
You'll never accept me in the same way again,
The blood seepes through my shirt,
Ruining the lace.

You never cared before,
So why start now,
These are my last thoughts
As I calmly walk towards the white glowing door.

*Finally gone,
Yes I'm free,
Now I'm finally good enough for someone,
That someone is me...

What would you do if I was in a car crash?
How would you act?
Would you cry?
Or just stand there stunned?
Being my best friend,
Would you ever leave my bedside?
Would you give me my homework?
Or instead just walk away,
Not liking the sight of me,
Laying on a hospital bed chords everywhere?
But most importantly...
What would you do if I died?
Would you come to my funeral?
Would ever think about me?
Would you ever think about the dreams and plans I had made for myself?

But...

Would you still love me...?

I cut,
Each time the blade wretching deeper into my wrist,
Blood oozing out of my skin,
Like waves in the night, full of wist.

A rush of adrenalin surging through my veins,
As I cut deeper and deeper,
I can no longer take control of the reins,
I can no longer take control of my actions.

I am in a daze,
No longer in connection with anything,
Like I'm all alone in this big maze,
Cut off from the world.

But I wasn't like this 6 years ago,
I was a good little kid,
Playing with lease and snow.

Life was so simple,
And now I can see,
How much I've changed, for the worse,
And exactly what impact you've had on me.

When you left everything went sour,
As you craved to live,
And seek more power.

No father in my life,
Has led me up a tree,
And now leading me to this knife,
Ever so painfully.

Now I lay here,
Slowly fading away,
Not even a friend near.

Pain subsiding,
Fear demolishing all hope,
Of ever being me.

Gliding,
Gliding away as if I had wings,
Pain gone, I feel fresh,
New almost,
I can see my body lying in a tangled mesh.

As I rise upwards,
Finally free,
Now no one can make an impact on me...