Sometimes I forget that what happened to me could be considered ****** assault.
I mean, I kind of wanted it
So that makes it okay.
Right?

But I do remember saying no.
And him pushing
Not physically, of course
But trying everything to reassure me that it was right.
If he did things to me, it would make us both happy
Right?

The second time I was sure it was right
He meant what he said
I could see it in his eyes.
He wouldn't hurt me.
Right?
But he kept wanting more
                                                            and more
                                                                                             and more
And kept asking
Begging
Pleading.

And he was so convincing
And persuasive
Saying it's okay if I didn't want to do this, but doing that would be alright.
Wouldn't it?
It's different
It's still good
It's what he wanted.
But giving in would never please him.
He would always want more
                                                               more
                                                                                      more

But I was strong.
Right?
I was so strong.
I mean, you're supposed to have those feelings
You're supposed to want to do those things
You should want to.
You should enjoy it.
At least that's what our society preaches.
*** is good. *** is normal. *** should be a steady part of every good and normal relationship.
Right?

But what happens when a girl just wants to be loved
And appreciated
And wanted
But not for ***
For companionship.
What then?

The only time I've ever felt hunger
was when I fasted for 48 hours
in the 11th grade
just for attention
After I ate my first pop-****
I pooped so hard I got angry at God
I got angry at God
The boy blessed enough
to be a picky eater

In 19 years of being well fed
the hardest thing I've ever
had to swallow is my own pride

They say if you feed a man a fish
he will eat for a day
Well I've never caught a fish in my life
and half the time I'm too afraid
to order a pizza because I think
I'll mess it up

So tell me why when I go to restaurants
my taste buds feel entitled to slaves
Why do they whip servers into making
my meat medium well

My teeth have never tasted blood
My mouth doesn't know dry
I've never dreamt of food
because I don't know life without it
But at least once a week I get mad
that McDonald's doesn't deliver

I once watched a cow get slaughtered
and I didn't blink an eye
because I could already taste her in my mouth

In the same year my history class
raised money for nine months to buy one goat
to send to a village I've never heard of

The contrast is cruel

I can remember the last sound the cow made
but I can't remember the sounds that made
up the village's name
or its people

So I hope you'll understand that
when I utter the unfathomable phrase
"I'm starving"
all I can taste in my mouth is shame

Battling the incredible weight of eyelids,
Searching for knowledge, happiness, a productive purpose
Conflicting thoughts
Sway like the branches full of morphing leaves
On firm, yet flimsy trees
Anticipating a violently destructive storm

Darkness, a black blanket...
Covers the whirring sounds of uncertain  numbness


D
R
  I
    F
        T
               I
                                 N
                                                      G
Eyes closed

OPEN

close

             Open
c   l         o            s                   e

Drifting into a hope for tomorrow
Or today
4:27 am now

Sleep is a natural thing