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God I don’t talk
about you anymore.
But God I think about
you when it’s necessary.
I think about you
every time I drive
by Lourdes.
I do that every day.
They taught you to me there.
I heard your name
more times a day than
I heard my own.
I think about those
poor little Catholic
kids, who didn’t have a
choice in the way they
believed in you.
Nothing was on our
There were no exceptions
to our thoughts.
Nothing was right
until we found a Psalm
about it.

I think about you
in between asleep
and awake.
When part of me
remembers the Sunday
I went to church
only to be force fed
the Pro-Life agenda.
God I respect
God they didn’t respect
God I was too afraid
to ask questions.
God their eyes
looked like hate.
God I don’t want
to go to hell.

My Bible
has been sitting
on my closet floor
for a year and a half.
I’m too afraid
to open it
for fear I’ll find
fire and brimstone
in between the Beatitudes
and the Passion.

God I believe in you
I believe in love
I believe in kindness
I believe in life
I believe in good vibes
I believe in fate.
God I believe in everything.
I knelt by my bed
and prayed
for everything little
Catholic girl
who’s thinking everything
I did.
I understand none of it
and I pray that she will.
I wish I could say beautiful things.
I know it seems like all of my thoughts come out in the middle of the night,
but maybe this is the only time I feel brave enough to say them.
I want to say beautiful things,
I want to see beautiful things.
This world is what we make of it,
it will continue rotating on the same axis,
whether we choose to participate or not.
We all want to find love,
so we write these poems hoping the beautiful words will come,
maybe they won't.
Maybe we write as a cry for help.
Maybe I write for a lot of reasons,
but maybe I just can't tell you.
I can say beautiful things,
I need to remind myself everyday,
that this universe is bigger than me,
bigger than my issues,
but it does not make them any smaller.
They are what they are,
and we are what we are.
That's all there is to it,
and I think that's a beautiful thought.
We can change our worlds,
but we cannot change our realities.
We cannot change the beating in our hearts,
without stopping it altogether,
we cannot stop our hair from growing,
or our eye from blinking,
we cannot.
So I'll continue writing my poems at night,
to release these demons from my fingertips.
Hoping the beautiful words will come,
but praying that someone will.
Looking back after all these years,
It’s hard to believe that my best friend is a memory…
Letting you walk out of my life without trying to stop you,
It makes me want to try to reverse time…
Because I know I am much different now,
And I believe you would be proud of the person I have become.
Prayer is the only way I communicate with you now,
Hoping that you are loving life as much as you always did.
Reconnected with the Lord, and for the first time, myself,
I would love nothing more than to mend any wounds I left,
Patch them up with bandages and apologies.
I want you to know I’m sorry.
There are so many things I shouldn’t have done…
I don’t need to list them because you know,
And I don’t want to relive those memories…
Because I hate myself for all of them.
How could I?
That person from two years ago, now,
She was not me…
Just know, you’ve helped me grow,
Because I now tell nothing but the truth.
I was exhausted of swimming in my own lies,
Trying to keep up with them was like running a race…
But I could never finish fast enough.
And, like you advised,
I stopped moving from boy to boy.
Alone now, for quite some time,
Because I like the way that freedom tastes
And focusing on myself has matured me.
I live life with no regrets,
But if I did have one,
It is putting you through all the *******.
It hurts now, knowing I am far too late to fix this.
I live with nothing but a forgiving heart,
But I would not blame you if you couldn’t forgive me.
Too much damage was done by a past me,
But just know, I apologize for each word and action.
I wish I could rebuild the walls I crushed, but instead,
Here I am, knowing I let my best friend slip away…
I hate that you're depressed
you are so

I do love you,
even if
we just met.

You are perfect.
Those scars on your

I hate how it
Poisons your
Making you cut open
your skin
in ribbons.


Please stop.
Walk into the auditorium just to see the band on stage…
I swallow my spit,
my nerves,
and my pride.

Oh, you are talented, dear,
Because I sit between two of my best friends, and yet,
I feel completely alone in this room full of people.

Because the only things I see are brown hair and a gray shirt.
Because all I am aware of is your goofy grin and saxophone, and
The way your lips part when you laugh still makes my heart shiver.

I’m begging just to see your face once.
To be reminded of the way that lights make your eyes
Look different every time,
Picking out the specks of blue, green, and gray
As if your irises were a kaleidoscope…  

My mind suddenly feels perceptive of every emotion,
And from across the stage and stadium seats,
I feel your eyes avoiding mine,
But I cannot break this cold stare of heartbreak
And the needles that caress my spine.

Although my brain is unwelcoming,
Memories are flooding my head…
Reminding me that once, you held me close,
Telling me things I shouldn’t have believed,
Holding my hand
Telling me I’m not damaged
Inviting me into your world
Reassuring me it was okay
And yanking it all out from under me.

And everyone stands for the convocation,
I’m thanking the stars for this opportunity,
Because right now it’s socially acceptable.
It’s okay that I stare at you and let my heart beat fast,
Because you are on stage,
And I’m just one in the crowd.

But I always was, wasn’t I?
Just another one in the crowd?
Another float in your parade of heartbreaks.
It’s okay, my heart is mended,
Please, just look my direction…

My mind is not sure of anything,
But everything else is,
Because we finally just made
Eye contact.
I know this life
well enough to know
that people like to get hurt.
It gives them
a story to hold their place
until next time.

I was taught
at a young age
that pain doesn’t demand
anything from us.
I never asked for
heart aches
or wounded knees.
I knew better
I was taught better.

I have friends
who grew up
with the misfortune
of knowing pain
as well as they knew their knuckles.
It was physical

I know this life
well enough
to know
that humans

Our bodies
are concrete.
We have to fill
the cracks
but its takes
for them
to crumble.
I’ve known girls
that tell me
they know pain.
They’ve  felt it
grab their legs
and straighten
their spines.
They swear
they’ve shattered
into a million pieces.
They pray
for this moment.
They don’t
want to pick themselves

They’ve been taught
to crack.
They’ve romanticized
but wonder why it hurts so much.

I’ve grappled
with that concept.
I’ve known only
what life
has afforded me
thus far.

I know only myself
and I know that
I’ve kept wet cement
under my bed
for 10 years.
When I start to chip
I’ll fix it myself.
Don’t take an ice pick
to your body.
It’s too beautiful
to break.
I lost my mind the other day.
I found it hiding
in the corner of my closet.
I tried to pick it up
it told me
“No more
I’ve been picking up after you for far too long. Give me a break.
I need to empty out the unfinished sentences
and broken scenarios you’ve left graffitied on my inside.”
“I’ll be back when I’ve healed”

It returned yesterday
and told me
"You worry me into a panic
I can't leave every time
you fall asleep
to the sound of your heart
pounding so loud you can hear
nothing else.
People are beautiful
and you know this
because you are one.
You have every reason to
love this world
You have every chance to explore it.
Instead you choose to stay at home
and watch a new movie
Because its much easier to watch excitement
than it is to experience it.
How selfish of you.
You were given this chance
to live
and instead you simply choose
to exist.
Do not sell yourself short.
Do not be afraid of New.
Do not harbor Old.
Release what you know
and replace it with
Give life its chance to prove
that it isn't as scary
as you think
it is.
I won't leave you again
but don't give me
a reason to."
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