i've heard so many
rumors about
addiction.
do me and millions
of others a favor
by not talking about it,
unless you've experienced it.
unless you've spent
days in recovery groups,
or a hospital bed,
hours sitting beside the toilet,
experienced intense cravings,
or withdrawal symptoms
that make you feel like
you're dying.
"duh, just quit."
you don't understand.
and i hope you never have to.
you try something for
your own reasons.
you like it for the
happiness it brings or
because it helps you forget.
you continue to use it
for that reason
and it leads to addiction.
at that point its too late
to "just quit".
you're brain begs for it.
if you don't give in,
depending on your addiction,
you're left with
nausea,
hot and cold sweats,
dizziness,
headaches,
and no appetite.
addiction is not
something to joke about.

my big brother,
he's my everything.
but when i was admitted
into the hospital
i was so mad at him.
so ******* mad.
my mom
came to visit me
every day,
but he only came once.
it was a five minute visit
on his way to go see
his now ex girlfriend.
that was six months ago.
he has a fiancé now.
i sat down with her yesterday
and had a long talk.
i told her the story
and how mad i had been.
she looked at me with
those sad eyes
i see so often.
"he told me about that,"
she said,
"he told me that you
were mad.
but he also told me
he couldn't bear
to see you
when he's your
big brother
and he failed
to protect you."

I was sitting at dance class
Watching girls flip
backwards and forwards
I look at my phone
I have a missed call
11 minutes ago
He never calls unless...
unless its an emergency
I run out of the room
I call him back
"Hey"
Hey, is all he says
"Did you need something?"
"Yeah"
"Well, what is it?'
"I was wondering
where you were.
If you wanted to hang.
If you wanted to ****."
"Are you drunk?" I asked
He laughed
"Text me later"
I hung up.
This is the same boy
The same boy
That started rumors
saying I ***** him.
I tell myself
that I don't need him
But its so **** hard
to shake an addiction.

carefully, i said
don't think this is weird
but i hate everything
about it
i'm absolutely addicted
but they taste like him.
with sad eyes she said
no hunny,
they do not taste like him
he tastes like them
and it opened my eyes
completely

i'm lying here
in my bed
trying to forget you
but i'm finding
that it's impossible
when the only thing
i know how to do
is crave you

when i was young,
i thought my tears
would nourish roses.
now that i'm older
i know they will
drown sorrows.

I go to church
every Sunday morning,
every Wednesday night.
Ever since I was
just a toddler.
They teach you about
Adam and Eve,
Noah's Ark,
and Jonah in the whale.
They don't teach you
about what to do
when you're handed a drink,
asked for answers on a test,
or smiled at by the new boy with sandy brown hair.
The world has turned
"the devil" into
red horns,
a pitchfork,
and an evil smile.
I believe,
if this book of stories
really is true,
that he still looks like
an angel.
He's in disguise
so that we can never
even tell the difference.
Maybe that's why
our bad decisions
look like good decisions
before we decide to do them.

It's so devastating how your world can be falling apart one day and the next you could be finding yourself smiling at nothing. After a while, it'll throw you off balance. Believe me when I say you need to reach out and take hold of both ends of your world and pull everything together when it seems impossible. Do it for nobody but you.

ask me.
ask me why I believe in you
the way that I do.
stronger then you've ever known
and stronger then you'll ever feel again.
you don't understand.
i dare you, just ask me.
i'll tell you how brave you are.
how strong, kind, generous.
how you could move the mountains
and conquer the sun.
i believe in you because you're independent.
you do what you want without a care in the world.
because you take that leap of faith
even when no one else will.
and for all those reasons and more,
i not only believe in you,
i also love you.
more and more every ******* day.

whenever
they ask why
i am
the way that
i am
all i do
is tell
our love story,
the saddest one
i've ever told.

i'm so sorry.
i'm so sorry
that i could only
think about you
while your entire life
is falling down
around you.
because of this,
you don't think
about me.
and,
because of this,
my life is
falling down around me
as well.
just don't
****
me.
no matter how much
i
beg.

i just want you to know what it feels like to have your veins drenched in loneliness and your heart pounding with insecurities.

you say my heart
is cold.
i'm sorry.
it's been shattered
so many times
freezing it
was the only way
i knew
to put it
back together.

i was on my way home
from the city.
sitting in the back of the car
listening to loud music
with my brother
and his best friend.
i was gripping the seat,
feeling the vibrations
from the bumpy road
and listening to them sing.
i cried.
nah,
i balled.
why?
because what if those
sleeping meds
i took two months ago
had done exactly
what i wanted them to?
i'd be six feet under
instead of enjoying
the little things.

what's the point
of picking petals
off flowers
when my fate
is the same
every *******
time

There's something almost comforting
about not being able to sleep at night.
It's just you and the darkness.
Nothing can make you mad,
nothing can make you cry...
except yourself
You are the only one to blame tonight.

It was almost two months ago
yet it seems like it could've happened
just last night.
With tired eyes
I had spent a sleepless night
with my ear glued to my phone.
My best friend,
the one I loved the most,
was on the other end.
Crying.
He was crying
and telling me
he was planning to **** himself,
for real this time,
and it was all my fault.
My eyes were red and bloodshot.
They were puffy and swollen.
As he cried
he spoke words I'll never forget.
He said to me,
"You could've helped."
"You could've saved me."
I told him I loved him
in the ballpark of a million times.
Not one of them had a response.
Don't worry,
everything turned out okay.
He's alive and well.
Not well,
but alive.

I hated
what you did to me
for so **** long
But here I am
doing the same thing
to someone else
So tell me...
how can I
hate you
without also
hating myself

i wanna cut
my chest open
just to make sure
my hearts still
beating inside

when i say
my hearts been broken
i don't mean by some
high school boy
what i mean is
some days i just
cant get out of bed
i cant catch my breath
i cant be myself

you look into his eyes
and only see brown.
you laugh and joke
about how this
makes him
“full of ****.”
but,
when i look into his eyes,
i see so much more.
this boy has been hurt,
hurt by so many people.
tears hide back behind
because if he ever showed
anyone
his emotions,
he’d be ridiculed.
this boy is sad.
he’s lives a life
that he doesn’t want to live,
but pretends that
he is in control.
this boy
is not what everybody thinks.
when i first met him
i was intimidated.
he gives off a vibe
that he is
indestructible.
get to know him.
you will see what i mean.
i’ve comforted this boy
while he cried,
which i’ve only seen once.
i’ve been by his side
for everything,
through hell and back.
this boy has so much pain,
so much sadness,
so much agony.
but he also has so much love.
he just doesn’t know
what to do with it.

it was a
kiss at the stoplight
kinda love
except,
without the love

What does home mean to you?
To me...
It's absent
I don't have a home
Here it is Wednesday
and I haven't stepped foot
in my room since Saturday
I cant go back
Home is ruined now
The last time I saw it
It was covered in police
and tears
But I don't have a choice
I cant stay away forever

how can I tell her
that it's not always worth it
slipping under sheets with him
late at night

how can I tell her
that it's not always the truth
what you see standing
in the reflection of the mirror

how can I tell her
that buying another pack
and smoking another stick
isn't going to save her

how can I tell her
she'll one day stop
hopelessly loving him
the way she does now

how can I tell her
putting her mouth around
another bottle is just her
making another mistake

how can i tell her
crushing another pill
and snorting another line
won't silence the demons in her head

how can I tell her
all these oh so simple things
when truthfully I'm not so sure
I can believe them myself

now
whenever i tell him that
i love him
he doesn't say it back
instead
he asks
why

addiction is real
you hear about it
you see it
but do you understand it?
it's all in your head
you get a substance
over and over
day after day
and then when it's gone
you find you need it
but what if it happens
in other parts of your body?
what about your heart?
what about with
not a substance
but another human being
isn't it then so much
more complicated?
because this is another
living
breathing
human being
for whatever reason
they are no longer
a part of your daily ritual
i apologize
because nobody
nobody.
deserves to be addicted
when they didn't ask to be

they tell me to just forget about him
that i shouldn’t let someone
as dumb as him
ruin my life
they don’t understand
i’ve been trying to forget him
since february
i can’t do anything about the fact
that every time I close my eyes
i see him, feel him
he lives in my nightmares
i just want it to end

I miss what we had
cuddling on the couch
talking for hours
waiting all night for the
sun to rise
sometimes I mistake
all of this
for missing him
I do not miss him
I miss the memories we made
you must think i’m awful
for saying that
I do not miss someone
that I used to love
more than anything
but in between
all the good memories
he slowly killed me
he was very controlling
and always angry
sometimes I choose
to forget those things
so I can remember the good
and actually
smile

imagine this.
you experience something
with another person
that typically involves
a great deal of
love and commitment.
but, you didnt want to.
this person didn't love you
nor were they commited to you.
this moment
is usually special
and meaningful.
but, you can't even tell me
if it was because
you dont know.
you dont remember.

welcome to my life.
i was the mere age
of fifteen.
i thought i loved him.

afterwords,
i didn't tell anybody.
instead,
i made excuses.
“i remember.”
“i wasn't drunk.”
“i wanted to.”
i spent six long months
suffering,
burying everything,
before i finally decided
it was time to tell my mom.

last month
my mom told me
i had a doctors appointment.
you see,
i have been consistently
losing weight and
i hadn't been sleeping at night.
when my doctor asked if
my mom could come in too,
i instantly knew something was wrong.
my mom looked into my eyes
and told me i needed to be honest.
i had no idea
what she was talking about.
“she was *****,”
my mom blurted.

you see,
after spending
six. *******. months.
alone,
burying everything
that i didn't want to think about,
just to have all that hard work
ripped apart
was heartbreaking.
no,
having someone i
loved and trusted
do something so awful,
so wrong,
that was heartbreaking.
but digging it all back up?
that was torture.

Recently my favourite thing to do has been to try and think of what exactly I would do or say if you happened to be standing right in front of me again. Truthfully, I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure if I'd scream, say all the angry words that have patiently waited on my tongue for so long. Or maybe I'd smile, swallow all those words no matter how sour they are and pretend like I don't actually hate you. Another option would be to stare at the ground as if I was waiting for it to jump up and scare me because there wouldn't be a thing I could say that wouldn't be a waste of my time. Dear god, I hope you never decide to come around. I hope you leave and never stop running. I don't think I'd ever been able to handle the explosions you set off with every step.

it’s been 5 months
and he must still
find my name sweet.
dead fish,
that’s what he called me.
said i just layed there
and it was the worst
he’d ever had.
maybe if i just layed there,
i was too drunk.
maybe if I just layed there,
i wasn’t ready.
maybe if I just layed there,
you should’ve taken me home.
telling people this
was your mistake,
because you also told people
that i was the one that
got you drunk
and ***** you.
but honey
how could that be true
if you say that
i was the dead fish
and you were fully aware.

i cant stand
anyone saying
"i'm sorry"
nothing seems
real about it
anymore
ive been lied to
one
too
many
times

everyone thinks that i'm crazy
because i cant drop the boy
that i hate more than anything
but look here sis
he gave me things i didn't want
things i cant get rid of
he started me with addictions
so every time i give in
give in to something i need
something i cant go a day without
i am forced to think of him
and that hunny is why
i am bleeding from the inside out

just know.
every tear,
every laugh,
every butterfly.
it's not because of you.

how many more times
can we sit here and
tell each other lies
about how everything's
going to be okay?

i finally told my mom
about what happened
to me
you know..
the r word
r-a-p-e

she cried.

i've had almost 6
months to come to terms
she's had 5
minutes

i'm sorry.
i know you weren't ready

i wanna run away
and live a glamorous life
with nobody but
the voices in my head

she looked at me
and smiled
"It's nice to meet you."
i smiled back
"It's nice to meet you too."
little did she know
we went to the same
small town high school
for an entire year
before she graduated
but i wasn't about
to tell her that

I made a decision.
I will never ever never
again let someone in.
Recently I let two
different people get close.
They got to know me
and then they left
as if it was only a vacation
and not a new home.
I guess I must've forgotten
to mention that I'm insane.
I am a human being.
Therefore I am outright
crazy.
I have normal human thoughts,
normal human dreams
but I can be obsessive.
I think I accept the love
I think I deserve.
So when someone
shows me affection
I grab on and never let go.
Then they leave
with the word
clingy
on their tongue.
So then I am forced to
saw off my left hand
and then on to my right one.
Then I no longer have the
capability to hold onto
what no longer
wants to hold onto me.

i still
*******
love you.
after everything
you put me through
how could i say that?
i thought you were
well.. different.
but you were an
*******.
just like every guy
ive ever loved.

i hope the next girl
knows about
your anger,
your jealousy,
your hate.
i also hope she
smiles just as big
as i always did
everytime you call her
beautiful,
gorgeous,
yours.

im sorry we put
as much pain on eachother
as we did.

i love you.

sincerely yours,
callie

Babygirl, look at yourself.
You couldnt even get through a full day of school because of the build-up of thoughts in your head.
Not that anybody even noticed you left.
You went straight home, claiming sickness, and got lost in your bed.
You slept all day because that way nobody could bother you whether existent or in your head.
You haven't eaten yet today and here it is, already 8:41 pm.
Your mom thinks you have the flu.
How could you explain to her whats going on when you can't even explain it to yourself?
Two people have asked if you're okay and you told them both yes because they just wouldn't understand.
Instead, you texted the only person you shouldn't because he's the first person you wanted to talk to.
You're absolutely shameful.
I think you're just waiting for somebody to explain to you why your head hurts and your heart feels heavy.
Waiting for someone to tell you why you constantly feel like crying without a reason, but nothing ever comes.
Waiting for someone to say why you can't stand to look at people who yesterday were your friends and drastically exaggerate every situation.
Your grades are slipping.
So why can't you get out of bed and do something about it?
You're a disgrace.
You deserve everything you're getting.

when I was young
I would ride my bike
down the sidewalk
and dream about one day
when i'd be old enough
to drive a car
it seemed so far away
now that i'm here
I do nothing but
wish I were young again
I miss riding my bike
playing in the rain
and not caring about
what anyone thought of me
one day
I swear to you
i'll feel young again

i was adopted,
therefore,
my mom didn't
biologically
pass down any traits
to me.
not my eyes,
my hair,
or my smile.
but, you know what
she did give me?
my low self-esteem.

today in class
i was reading a short story
for American Lit.
The Sculptor's Funeral
by Willa Cather.
it's about a man who has died
and his last wish was to be brought
back to his cruel hometown
to be buried.
"It's not a pleasant place to be lying while the world is moving and doing and bettering," he had said with a feeble smile, "but it rather seems as though we ought to go back to the place we came from, in the end. The townspeople will come in for a look at me; and after they have had their say, I shan't have much to fear from the judgement of God!"
a man that worked under him,
Steavens,
brought him home in a casket.
everybody had something
bad to say about him.
Laird,
a corrupt lawyer in the town,
had enough of it.
he yelled at the townspeople
and outed all of those who had
asked him to bend the law.
he made them realize that
they had done more wrong than
the man who was now dead.
"Well, I came back here and became the ****** shyster you wanted me to be. You pretend to have some sort of respect for me; and yet you'll stand up and throw mud at Harvey Merrick, whose soul you couldn't ***** and whose hands you couldn't tie."
"Harvey Merrick wouldn't have given one sunset over your marshes for all you've got to put together, and you know it..."

this story makes me
want to believe that,
if i'm ever lying in a casket,
someone will stand up for me
and try to clear my name.
even in small, ****** towns,
like the one i live in,
maybe there's at least
one person
with a kind heart.

whenever i get sad
my mom asks
if i'm going to a
"dark place".
no mom.
i live in a world
thats full of light,
but when i
reach out
i can't touch it.
i need someone
to help me,
but nobody
remembers
my name.
i want to stop
carving lines
into my thighs
just to see my
favorite color.
i want to be able
to smile
and actually
mean it.
i want to sing
and dance
around my room
like i did when i was
a little girl.
but the problem is
i don't know that
girl anymore.
so mom,
the answer is no.
i don't live in a
dark place.
and maybe
that's the problem.

I came across a picture of you
It was a picture of you
With some other girl
I looked at it
And looked at it
And looked at it
Funny thing is
I couldn't feel anything
I didn't feel anything
I swear to you, I tried
I wanted so bad
to be jealous
Because you're mine
And only mine
But guess what
That never happened
I never felt jealous
I guess I realized long ago
That you'll be there
Around every corner
And that you'll come for me
Whenever possible
But, pal
You sure as hell
Ain't mine

I wish you understood as much as you think you do
Maybe then I wouldn't break down quite as much
You know what happened, the baseline of my insanity
But I want you to know how I feel towards the boy who dropped me, my ex-best friend, and the one I'm in love with
I want you to understand
everything that's going on in my head
The way it spins when I remember the details of last weekend
The way it pounds when I see them together
The way it screams when the same thing happens to me over and over again
But how could you understand
If I'm being honest, I don't even understand myself
I don't know how to prevent my sob fests
I'm not sure why I let it all get to me
But I do
It eats me from the inside out and I know I can't be the only one
So why do I feel so alone?
Throw a punch,
Shove me around,
Cut me deep.
Physical pain is better than emotional
You can't fix what's throwing your body off guard with a **** band-aid
It'd be easier to fix a bullet wound with one
This generation is so messed up
Everyone's hurting and nobody's willing to help
It takes a tv show for people to realize that there are others hurting more than you
And everyone's first reaction is to be mean, to tear you apart
I just can't stand it anymore
Don't tell me it'll be different
That only time will tell
I've heard it a million times and it's all a big lie
The same thing will happen over and over and over again
Like a broken record, if you even know what that is anymore
She's always going to bully me
And the fears always going to be with me
He's always going to treat me like I'm nothing
And I'm always going to let him
She's always going to stab me in the back
And I'm always going to pretend like I don't notice
And ten years from now I'll look back and realize that I was right
The same thing happened again and again just with different faces
I miss her
I need him
I crave you
I just want unconditional love and a decent nights sleep
Is that really too much to ask?

society has taught us
not to believe a girl
that's been hurt,
especially if shes
been hurt
for a second time.

Get yourself together.
Get to a place where
you can sit still,
in a quiet room,
and without disruption
be able to think
"i love my life"

i have oh so many
trust issues now
i cant help but expect
people to leave
"but not everybody leaves"
he says to me daily
the hardest part is not
being able to know from
the start
what their intentions are
but you have to stay away
to protect your  heart
from breaking yet again
i have found a way you can
save yourself
you just have to stay away
from
everyone