i tried to make you understand
that i am nothing like her.
but you only knew her name.
so I turned to leave.
only then did you learn
what my name feels like
in your mouth.

i've never been
to any other
highschool
in my life.
therefore,
i cannot speak
for all schools.
but, i can speak
for my school.
about every other
student here is
a druggie.
which means
you have your choice
of two crowds.
but once you choose,
at the beginning
of your freshman year,
you can't change your mind.
and the teachers here
rarely teach.
they throw slideshows up
and blame you for not
paying attention
if you actually get
the nerve
to go up
and ask for help.
our principal
promotes
mental health,
but doesn't give any
resources for
mental breakdowns,
anxiety, or
depression.
sitting in classrooms
for eight hours,
with people you
can't stand,
with nowhere to go
will completely
destroy someone
especially someone
already
suffering.

Everything inside me
wants to stand in front of him
and scream
I would yell for hours about
how he's an ******* and
how much he hurt me and
how much I hate him
I would scream and scream
until my lungs couldn't take it
anymore
But I cant
because if I screamed
I'd be screaming empty words
empty threats
He wouldn't hear a thing I'd say
or he just wouldn't care
I cant because
I cant show him he means anything
There's no way
Id give him that power
that satisfaction
So every time I see him
whether it's running into him
or seeing him out of the corner of
my eye
I just smile
I smile and walk away
all while reminding myself
how much better I am
compared to him
and how much he doesn't mean to me
and how someone like him
will never be worth my breath

I was the girl before
the love of your life.
I was the one who helped
you grow into who you are now.
But I was also the one
that was too painful to keep around.
I don't want to be the girl
that came and left without impact.
I hope you still see me
when you close your eyes at night.

i used to think
loving myself
was hard
until
you came along.
you see,
you shouldn't learn
to love yourself
in spite of a person,
you should learn
to love yourself
along the side of
the person.

i can tell you the
exact moment
i knew I loved him
my tears hit
the pillow because
he was spending time
with another girl
i cried so hard
i became sick

you wanna know
what real depression
feels like?
it feels like
in your head
you know that
everything will
be okay
and your life
will go on but
your heart hurts.
like physically
hurts.
it's like someone
reached into my chest
and is strangling
my heart.
just crushing it
to pieces.
i don't want to
move or
get out of bed.
i haven't
eaten yet today.
i tried this morning,
took one bite and
felt like
i was gonna puke.
my stomach
keeps growling
like it's taunting me
cause it knows
i can't lose
anymore weight
without
becoming sick.
and there's nothing
can do about it either.
like,
i'm dying
and i can't
help myself.

I keep reading my writings over and over
And every time they become
More and more unreal
My life experiences are starting to
Sort of blend together
All the bad decisions
And terrible mistakes
It's just become who I am
It defines me now

now i know why
i always set fire
to his name

as long as i
say these things
about him
he'll hate me
and won't try to
come back yet
again

at least then
i can try to
continue
as though nothing
happened
and piece my
shattered life
back together

ç'est la vie.
such is life.
my brother got it tattooed
across his ribs.
my coworker repeats it
all day long.
but,
*******,
was it just life when
my mom called me an
irresponsible *****
days after i helped with her bills?
was it just life when
i skipped every other class
to sit in the bathroom and cry
because i didn't feel wanted?
was it just life when
my biological, drug-addicted mother
told me i was growing up to be
just like her?
was it just life when
i got a text from a boy who
was concerned that i was pregnant
from ***, i don't remember having?
was it just life when
my grandma cried at the alter,
praying to god that
i would finally become sober?
was it just life when
my brother couldn't even look at me
as i sat on a hospital bed
after trying to end my own life?
was it just life when
i spent the night running from the cops
after my mom threw me on the floor
and wanted me back home?
was it just life when
my alcoholic sister
screamed at me that
i have a problem?
maybe it wasn't just life.
maybe it was just
my life.

Ever heard the saying our lives are written in the stars? I don't believe it. I believe we aren't alone. We are in control of our lives. We can change the grave that was dug for us. We make an impact. Even in small ways. Every life is relevant. No matter how big or small. I'm going to rewrite the stars. Because I'm tired of not fighting for the things I want or believe in. I just let go if I get it in my head that it's impossible or that it will fail. That it's written in the stars. But I'm rewriting the stars. They think it's easy. But there are still days where I think about things. Where I still want to run to somebody I cant. Days, where I think I cant, rewrite my stars. But I can. I'm going to.
--text from my brother at 11:46 p.m.

No hunny,
heartbreak is not the worst pain
heartbreak is quick and easy
compared to what i'm about to explain
imagine seeing him every day
but each day knowing he's drifting
further and further away from you
yet he's still existent
he still calls you baby
he still tells you he loves you
but as you've noticed
it's less and less every single day
his smiles still light you up
but hes leaving you with
dark and empty
he used to be all about you
but last night when you told him
how much you were hurting
he replied with "ok"
you know you should just drop him
quick and easy
painless
but sweetheart,
i wish it was that simple

I read recently that
90% of a girls' identity
comes from the words
of her father.
Maybe that's why I am
the way that I am.

90% empty.

it's on nights like these
when my lungs
are filled with smoke,
the cold seems to
choke my bones,
and the stars are calling out
every name but mine
where i feel the
loneliest.

"But you told me you just wanted to be friends"
I said sitting in his front seat confused
A half-empty bottle of Fireball sitting in my lap
His Soundcloud playlist ringing in my ears
"Friends can still have fun"
His words went around in my head
Again and again and again
He gave me more propositions
Until my dazed mind made it sound good
"Let me just finish my drink"
I look at the quarter bottle with nothing left to lose
Up to my mouth, it goes
Chug chug chug
He reaches over and pushes it towards the sky
Up up up
It's more than I can handle
But I cant give up now
I don't
We climb into the backseat
I'm a complete mess
Three times
Three times I hang out of the car to puke
Puke the drink he made me drink
Its been a month now
And he's not in my life
But here he is dragging me back into his
He's telling my school, his friends
That I ***** him
I got him drunk
And I ***** him
But hey
If that's what friends do

i believe love will find me again,
but i'm not convinced it'll be happily
ever after.

- i don't believe in fairytales

today
during school
this kid in my class
that i barely talk to
walked up to me
and put his fingers
around my bicep
as if he was
measuring
how small i've
gotten

Someone actually asked me if I was okay today
I smiled and said yeah
They asked again
I shook my head no
They asked me what was wrong
I told them I was tired
How the hell was I supposed to explain the war that's going on inside my head
How do I say the thoughts that I've thought late at night while the tears stream down my face
How do I explain that I'm worthless and I've given up on myself
Being tired was just an easier option
It would still explain the puffy eyes and slouched shoulders

Yes and No

Yes, because there's absolutely nothing you can do to help me. There's no point in you just worrying about something that doesn't even matter.

No, because my heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm bedridden and not sure why. I cant get through a full day of school anymore without having a mental breakdown. The same stupid things keep going through my head and I cant get people off my mind that never should've been there in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm not worth it.

where would I be
without my friends?
I can tell you.
i’d be six feet
underground
with all my pain
scattered around
my hometown

Many of you know I've only ever had one man living in my house
Not my father, but my brother
Even considering, we've always been okay on our own
Until last summer rolled around
When the weather was hot my brother made a phone call
The conversation started with "hey dad"
"Dad" is not my blood though
To me "dad" is just Ben
Two short months later, Ben drove 3 hours and rolled up in our driveway
My driveway
My brother waved goodbye and then he was gone
Gone for over a week
I missed him so much
My mom, my aunt, my grandma
Everyone was asking me the same question
"Are you okay with this?"
Every single time I would smile
Smile and breathe and say, "Yes, I'm fine. I'm happy for him."
Truthfully I wanted to be okay with it
I wanted to be okay with it so badly because of how much I love my brother
But how could I be when he's getting the thing we've both wanted for so long
I know I sound selfish but I'm only telling the truth

my mom came up
into my room tonight.
she said ive been getting
even smaller.
she made me show her
my hip bones
and my ribs.
my weight is at the point
where its scary.

when i look
in his eyes,
i see the stars.
every single one.
he's so good,
so sweet.
his smile can literally
light up any room.
he says
he can't believe it.
he says
i'm out of his league.
but,
when i look in the mirror
i look behind my eyes
and i still don't see
a future.
i'm reckless
and insane.
i'm disappointing.
i just can't
go through this
again.

I was born on April 5th in Harlan, Iowa. I've always hated when snow is still sitting on the ground by then.
My mom never once showed me affection, bringing me to parties and leaving me with strangers.
What about my dad, you ask? I'll dig in my desk drawer and find the piece of paper that lists seven possibilities because I've always craved what I'll never have.
But on a happier note, I was adopted as a three-month-old baby.
I spent my childhood with my nose shoved in a book way above my expected reading level.
By the fourth grade, I was in love with sports, especially, soccer.
My alcoholic grandpa was by far my biggest role model because I could only see light in people at that age. About once a season I'd see his rickety old truck pull up on the wrong side of the field to get a front row seat of my soccer game.
When I was thirteen my grandpa passed away. I still watch every Cubs game for him and dream of travelling the east coast like he always used to do.
By the time I was fourteen I was into the most popular things at my high school, they definitely weren't in my best interest. You see, I've always tried too hard to fit in.
Yes, I'm hearing all this about who you used to be, but Callie, who are you now?
Who am I now?
Well.
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.
My favorite color is light blue.
I have an older brother, whom I love dearly.
I love watching football and screaming at the t.v. during any Dallas or Iowa State game.
I'm proud of my home team in every possible sport and cheer as loud as I can when we're winning and even when we're not.
I love watching That '70s Show while sipping an Arnold Palmer.
My home away from home is walking the beaches of Okoboji until it gets chilly enough to start a bonfire.
My biggest passion is, by far, playing soccer. I love the feeling of strapping on shin guards and tightening cleats before I run out of the locker room all hunched over trying to get my hair in a ponytail and get outside so I have enough time to warm up before practice.
I wake up every single morning to my alarm of my favorite music with a smile on my face ready for the day to begin.
Stop.
I said who are you now?
I mean really. Who are you?
Who am I now?
Well.
Sometimes I dream about getting married to some boy without a face, just to take his last name and rid the sin that comes along with being a Richter.
I cried in the bathroom stall at school the first time I heard a rumor that was spread about me. I tell everyone that by now I'm used to it, but the truth is each one buries me again.
I throw myself into physical activity and school sports because the sweat and heavy breathing puts my mind at ease and gives me a sense of accomplishment. Throwing myself into my school work obviously, doesn't have the same effect.
The boys at school still give me side glances, give me propositions, and make wisecracks about me being easy because maybe they'll have a chance, not to date me but to get with me because of rumors they heard over a year ago.
I'm so insecure about so much of myself that most days I would much rather crawl under a rock and die than show my face in the hallways between the bells.
Don't tell anyone I told you this though.
You must keep it a secret.
I mean, what would people think if they knew?
I think it's better off that they just see me as...
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.

he loves me,
but he broke my heart.
why do i hurt
so **** much
when it was my choice?
it's for the best,
but i can't help but wonder
what kind of music
we could've made.

now that i'm sober
my mom says that
i've quit a lot
and i don't have to
give up smoking
just yet.
but she buys
nicotine patches
and leaves them
in my room.
i'm trying mom.
i swear it to you.

you don't know pain
until it's staring you
straight in the eyes.
this time
it's your mother.
she's tired and even
wilting.
and you're the reason why.