I was sitting at dance class
Watching girls flip
backwards and forwards
I look at my phone
I have a missed call
11 minutes ago
He never calls unless...
unless its an emergency
I run out of the room
I call him back
"Hey"
Hey, is all he says
"Did you need something?"
"Yeah"
"Well, what is it?'
"I was wondering
where you were.
If you wanted to hang.
If you wanted to ****."
"Are you drunk?" I asked
He laughed
"Text me later"
I hung up.
This is the same boy
The same boy
That started rumors
saying I ***** him.
I tell myself
that I don't need him
But its so **** hard
to shake an addiction.

I keep reading my writings over and over
And every time they become
More and more unreal
My life experiences are starting to
Sort of blend together
All the bad decisions
And terrible mistakes
It's just become who I am
It defines me now

"But you told me you just wanted to be friends"
I said sitting in his front seat confused
A half-empty bottle of Fireball sitting in my lap
His Soundcloud playlist ringing in my ears
"Friends can still have fun"
His words went around in my head
Again and again and again
He gave me more propositions
Until my dazed mind made it sound good
"Let me just finish my drink"
I look at the quarter bottle with nothing left to lose
Up to my mouth, it goes
Chug chug chug
He reaches over and pushes it towards the sky
Up up up
It's more than I can handle
But I cant give up now
I don't
We climb into the backseat
I'm a complete mess
Three times
Three times I hang out of the car to puke
Puke the drink he made me drink
Its been a month now
And he's not in my life
But here he is dragging me back into his
He's telling my school, his friends
That I ***** him
I got him drunk
And I ***** him
But hey
If that's what friends do

Everything inside me
wants to stand in front of him
and scream
I would yell for hours about
how he's an ******* and
how much he hurt me and
how much I hate him
I would scream and scream
until my lungs couldn't take it
anymore
But I cant
because if I screamed
I'd be screaming empty words
empty threats
He wouldn't hear a thing I'd say
or he just wouldn't care
I cant because
I cant show him he means anything
There's no way
Id give him that power
that satisfaction
So every time I see him
whether it's running into him
or seeing him out of the corner of
my eye
I just smile
I smile and walk away
all while reminding myself
how much better I am
compared to him
and how much he doesn't mean to me
and how someone like him
will never be worth my breath

There's something almost comforting
about not being able to sleep at night.
It's just you and the darkness.
Nothing can make you mad,
nothing can make you cry...
except yourself
You are the only one to blame tonight.

I was the girl before
the love of your life.
I was the one who helped
you grow into who you are now.
But I was also the one
that was too painful to keep around.
I don't want to be the girl
that came and left without impact.
I hope you still see me
when you close your eyes at night.

Yes and No

Yes, because there's absolutely nothing you can do to help me. There's no point in you just worrying about something that doesn't even matter.

No, because my heart is pounding out of my chest. I'm bedridden and not sure why. I cant get through a full day of school anymore without having a mental breakdown. The same stupid things keep going through my head and I cant get people off my mind that never should've been there in the first place.

I'm sorry. I'm not worth it.