Babygirl, look at yourself.
You couldnt even get through a full day of school because of the build-up of thoughts in your head.
Not that anybody even noticed you left.
You went straight home, claiming sickness, and got lost in your bed.
You slept all day because that way nobody could bother you whether existent or in your head.
You haven't eaten yet today and here it is, already 8:41 pm.
Your mom thinks you have the flu.
How could you explain to her whats going on when you can't even explain it to yourself?
Two people have asked if you're okay and you told them both yes because they just wouldn't understand.
Instead, you texted the only person you shouldn't because he's the first person you wanted to talk to.
You're absolutely shameful.
I think you're just waiting for somebody to explain to you why your head hurts and your heart feels heavy.
Waiting for someone to tell you why you constantly feel like crying without a reason, but nothing ever comes.
Waiting for someone to say why you can't stand to look at people who yesterday were your friends and drastically exaggerate every situation.
Your grades are slipping.
So why can't you get out of bed and do something about it?
You're a disgrace.
You deserve everything you're getting.

I made a decision.
I will never ever never
again let someone in.
Recently I let two
different people get close.
They got to know me
and then they left
as if it was only a vacation
and not a new home.
I guess I must've forgotten
to mention that I'm insane.
I am a human being.
Therefore I am outright
crazy.
I have normal human thoughts,
normal human dreams
but I can be obsessive.
I think I accept the love
I think I deserve.
So when someone
shows me affection
I grab on and never let go.
Then they leave
with the word
clingy
on their tongue.
So then I am forced to
saw off my left hand
and then on to my right one.
Then I no longer have the
capability to hold onto
what no longer
wants to hold onto me.

It was almost two months ago
yet it seems like it could've happened
just last night.
With tired eyes
I had spent a sleepless night
with my ear glued to my phone.
My best friend,
the one I loved the most,
was on the other end.
Crying.
He was crying
and telling me
he was planning to **** himself,
for real this time,
and it was all my fault.
My eyes were red and bloodshot.
They were puffy and swollen.
As he cried
he spoke words I'll never forget.
He said to me,
"You could've helped."
"You could've saved me."
I told him I loved him
in the ballpark of a million times.
Not one of them had a response.
Don't worry,
everything turned out okay.
He's alive and well.
Not well,
but alive.

addiction is real
you hear about it
you see it
but do you understand it?
it's all in your head
you get a substance
over and over
day after day
and then when it's gone
you find you need it
but what if it happens
in other parts of your body?
what about your heart?
what about with
not a substance
but another human being
isn't it then so much
more complicated?
because this is another
living
breathing
human being
for whatever reason
they are no longer
a part of your daily ritual
i apologize
because nobody
nobody.
deserves to be addicted
when they didn't ask to be

i used to think
loving myself
was hard
until
you came along.
you see,
you shouldn't learn
to love yourself
in spite of a person,
you should learn
to love yourself
along the side of
the person.