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Callie Richter Jan 2018
carefully, i said
don't think this is weird
but i hate everything
about it
i'm absolutely addicted
but they taste like him.
with sad eyes she said
no hunny,
they do not taste like him
he tastes like them
and it opened my eyes
completely
Callie Richter Dec 2017
Many of you know I've only ever had one man living in my house
Not my father, but my brother
Even considering, we've always been okay on our own
Until last summer rolled around
When the weather was hot my brother made a phone call
The conversation started with "hey dad"
"Dad" is not my blood though
To me "dad" is just Ben
Two short months later, Ben drove 3 hours and rolled up in our driveway
My driveway
My brother waved goodbye and then he was gone
Gone for over a week
I missed him so much
My mom, my aunt, my grandma
Everyone was asking me the same question
"Are you okay with this?"
Every single time I would smile
Smile and breathe and say, "Yes, I'm fine. I'm happy for him."
Truthfully I wanted to be okay with it
I wanted to be okay with it so badly because of how much I love my brother
But how could I be when he's getting the thing we've both wanted for so long
I know I sound selfish but I'm only telling the truth
Callie Richter Nov 2017
Someone actually asked me if I was okay today
I smiled and said yeah
They asked again
I shook my head no
They asked me what was wrong
I told them I was tired
How the hell was I supposed to explain the war that's going on inside my head
How do I say the thoughts that I've thought late at night while the tears stream down my face
How do I explain that I'm worthless and I've given up on myself
Being tired was just an easier option
It would still explain the puffy eyes and slouched shoulders
Callie Richter Oct 2017
I was born on April 5th in Harlan, Iowa. I've always hated when snow is still sitting on the ground by then.
My mom never once showed me affection, bringing me to parties and leaving me with strangers.
What about my dad, you ask? I'll dig in my desk drawer and find the piece of paper that lists seven possibilities because I've always craved what I'll never have.
But on a happier note, I was adopted as a three-month-old baby.
I spent my childhood with my nose shoved in a book way above my expected reading level.
By the fourth grade, I was in love with sports, especially, soccer.
My alcoholic grandpa was by far my biggest role model because I could only see light in people at that age. About once a season I'd see his rickety old truck pull up on the wrong side of the field to get a front row seat of my soccer game.
When I was thirteen my grandpa passed away. I still watch every Cubs game for him and dream of travelling the east coast like he always used to do.
By the time I was fourteen I was into the most popular things at my high school, they definitely weren't in my best interest. You see, I've always tried too hard to fit in.
Yes, I'm hearing all this about who you used to be, but Callie, who are you now?
Who am I now?
Well.
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.
My favorite color is light blue.
I have an older brother, whom I love dearly.
I love watching football and screaming at the t.v. during any Dallas or Iowa State game.
I'm proud of my home team in every possible sport and cheer as loud as I can when we're winning and even when we're not.
I love watching That '70s Show while sipping an Arnold Palmer.
My home away from home is walking the beaches of Okoboji until it gets chilly enough to start a bonfire.
My biggest passion is, by far, playing soccer. I love the feeling of strapping on shin guards and tightening cleats before I run out of the locker room all hunched over trying to get my hair in a ponytail and get outside so I have enough time to warm up before practice.
I wake up every single morning to my alarm of my favorite music with a smile on my face ready for the day to begin.
Stop.
I said who are you now?
I mean really. Who are you?
Who am I now?
Well.
Sometimes I dream about getting married to some boy without a face, just to take his last name and rid the sin that comes along with being a Richter.
I cried in the bathroom stall at school the first time I heard a rumor that was spread about me. I tell everyone that by now I'm used to it, but the truth is each one buries me again.
I throw myself into physical activity and school sports because the sweat and heavy breathing puts my mind at ease and gives me a sense of accomplishment. Throwing myself into my school work obviously, doesn't have the same effect.
The boys at school still give me side glances, give me propositions, and make wisecracks about me being easy because maybe they'll have a chance, not to date me but to get with me because of rumors they heard over a year ago.
I'm so insecure about so much of myself that most days I would much rather crawl under a rock and die than show my face in the hallways between the bells.
Don't tell anyone I told you this though.
You must keep it a secret.
I mean, what would people think if they knew?
I think it's better off that they just see me as...
My name is Callie.
Calista Carol Leanne when moms mad.
Callie Richter Oct 2017
I came across a picture of you
It was a picture of you
With some other girl
I looked at it
And looked at it
And looked at it
Funny thing is
I couldn't feel anything
I didn't feel anything
I swear to you, I tried
I wanted so bad
to be jealous
Because you're mine
And only mine
But guess what
That never happened
I never felt jealous
I guess I realized long ago
That you'll be there
Around every corner
And that you'll come for me
Whenever possible
But, pal
You sure as hell
Ain't mine
Callie Richter Oct 2017
Recently my favourite thing to do has been to try and think of what exactly I would do or say if you happened to be standing right in front of me again. Truthfully, I haven't decided yet. I'm not sure if I'd scream, say all the angry words that have patiently waited on my tongue for so long. Or maybe I'd smile, swallow all those words no matter how sour they are and pretend like I don't actually hate you. Another option would be to stare at the ground as if I was waiting for it to jump up and scare me because there wouldn't be a thing I could say that wouldn't be a waste of my time. Dear god, I hope you never decide to come around. I hope you leave and never stop running. I don't think I'd ever been able to handle the explosions you set off with every step.
Callie Richter Oct 2017
It's so devastating how your world can be falling apart one day and the next you could be finding yourself smiling at nothing. After a while, it'll throw you off balance. Believe me when I say you need to reach out and take hold of both ends of your world and pull everything together when it seems impossible. Do it for nobody but you.
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