he saw my face
and immediately said I’m sorry
without blinking

and I realized that I could’ve been bleeding
bare and broken

and you would’ve said
it wasn’t your fault

thankfully
the bleeding isn’t permanent
and he doesn’t give much reasons
for sorry’s anyhow

each step
on days like today

I have to remember what it felt like
in those moments
to not really be seen
or even really heard.

to not love his touch on my skin
and closing my eyes pretending time hadn’t passed.

but it did.
it passed. along with who I was. how I felt.
and how I wanted to sin

maybe it’s more intimate
because it’s real
there’s no playing house
or dress up
or certainly not pretend

it is just you
standing in front of me
figuring out how your long hands
curl into my small ones
figuring out how we fit
together

my friend told me the other day
you can’t block them
because what if you miss that midnight text?
then you win
she grinned

and i stood
frozen
because I wasn’t focused
on winning
I just wanted it to be
over

you fed me to the wolves

and defended them when they bit down
and left chunks.

you would rather swallow the bile
and pretend like that was love

than look at my wounds
and see it for what it really was.