he said he wanted me in the worst way, and he really couldn't be more right
because he was willing to take an extra five seconds to make it seem like he cared
while I was craving connection
and we walked through some ways
to discover—— this way was the worst

don’t mind if I do
crawl into your lap

seeking the comfort of familiarity
and knowing where the coffee cups are

and the way your sheets feel curled against my legs
and my back against your chest

but
I know we’d mind

so don’t mind me

if it was my turn to stand up
but I sat down
who do you look to first?
those standing before me, or those sitting behind me?

when i told him about you,

about how safe you made me. smiling while i expressed all the ways you made me realize life was worth all the time and relationships, squeals, and terror, messy open mouth kisses, and doing the thing scared!

i was reminded that you were, and always will be, exactly what i needed- right then. and i just hope,

i was exactly what you needed too.

wished we talked more about wanting to be kissed

And how it is so very different when comparing to  wanting someone to kiss you.

some kisses and liquor are best left
when left
alone

it’s that static sound
you know the one

when everything is quiet
but not quite

and the walls seem the same
but I can’t recall

whether it’s 2:36
or 11:41

right when I lost it all

it’s the way a random song comes on
and I can feel the flicker of your hand
wrapping around my waist

Tucking a thumb into my jeans
an echo of a laugh
bouncing off the skin

leaving me
breathless with a button half undone
the wind taken away
with those echoes and grins

god I hate feeling again

The wolf sits in the corner
Waiting
As
Crumbs
Drop to ensue his survival
Waiting
For the day

The wolf sits in the corner
Waiting
For crumbs that do not fall

The wolf grows larger straying from the corner
The wolf grows smaller hiding in the corner

The wolf waits
To be fed crumbs of jealousy
Or to be starved of peace

The wolf no longer waits

it’s funny how some of the most cathartic moments can be the most mundane.

like hungover snuggles with the dog

Panicking about what this year will look like, did I even like as he laughed into my neck

and she just cuddled in closer
spreading kisses where she could reach, and reminders to breath a little slower

until I felt a little softer.

and realized it’s now a new year, with new mistakes, new memories, and new feelings

but the same little best friend, willing to snore tucked up beside me

so I’m never quite alone

what happened?

is what I want to say.

but I can’t say that. Because I think we both know that as much as I loved you

and you thought you loved me.

where were we going?
where was there room for me

It’s funny
hearing thoughts I have had
in the dark
Sitting underneath the water in my tub
laughed back to me
with friends
and cramped cars

it was just in a different font
a different accent
but cherished all the same

hearing pieces of my soul
Whispered against my neck
Not knowing I’d ever hear them
out loud

some will draw lines in the sand
few will chisel out craters
many a line of chalk

and when the rest come
going about their day
They will have soil slipping out of their pockets
And rain following their wake

to pretend like nothing was there, anyways

missing a home you cannot visit
a place no longer yours
tenant openings start to show
as the weather changes

and some viewings could happen
or have

but the leaves still blow
out the door

and she sits empty
for all intended purposes

it is in these moments
that I sit
and mourn for little you
and little me
for the great love we were
and could’ve been
but it was like two stars colliding
burning each other up
since they couldn’t coexist by starving themselves just to keep the other
breathing

so in these moments
I sit
and remember how much I loved green eyes
and the way your heart
tangled with mine

during one of these moments

i was putting up the little fragmented bats
really just letting them explode everywhere

when i remembered you asked if you could be here
and i tried
i did not to cry
and when the first tear fell
was

when i realized that not every source of love in my life came from you
that the flowers L brought me
and C allowing me to replay that song
J giving me space to ramble and
S telling me how i needed to wax the car
was
when i realized i would really be okay

because you were a perfect chapter of my life, but you were not meant to be in the rest of mine

and that is okay

he told me I was beautiful
but you would’ve told me I was stunning
and I now
have to go on
knowing you’d call me stunning, while he
he only calls me beautiful

occasionally
(mostly in the dead of night)
i remember her telling me
—-
i could hear him shaking his head, because of all the things to do
taking shots in the final words
is really the best way to make sure she never opens that door
—-
so,  occasionally
I’m reminded of all the moments shots were taken
so I roll over again
maybe journal in a poem
and pretend
(occasionally)

I didn’t grasp

how painful reckless love would be

Until I looked up into the sky

simply— just wondering how I could call some pain beautiful

never wanting to feel it again

but sobbing for it anyways

you told me a story
of a hero battered and bruised
and i fell in love
with his wit and yearning
holding his face in my hands
hoping he’d lay down his sword
but slowly
his story
broke
crumbled with time
showing what he really was battling
and
there was no dragon
no villain coming in the night.  
it was just the hero
battling himself
sword forever raised
and head dipped low
unwilling to face that his story
was more or less his own

I know some day
a little Lizzy may ask me
“what was your first love like mum?”

and I’ll have to muster up the way to tell her

He was perfect.
At 19
because he made me fall in love with life, with love.
With Scotch, and the way the smoke could be found twirling in his perfectly green eyes.
But
I’ll also have to say
he taught me some of the ways I should be loved, and the ways I should not be
to love with adoration, worshipping at the throne
But he gave me freedom, one the likes which I had not yet known
and he gave me joy i had so desperately missed

And all while choking back the emotion. I’d also have to tell her

he gave me sorrow
like I’d never known before.
because for all of his potential, and perfect dreams, he was a fish, and I a bird.

we couldn’t reside in each others worlds for too long, cause darling we didn’t fit.

It just wasn’t meant to be.

“Do you miss him?”

sometimes. I remark. when a unicycle strolls by, or the great big sea starts to make waves
and like the tide
It is a soft embrace before letting it return to its own home

he looked at me
and spilled out his fears
With a few upper cuts mixed in
and after dodging a few
and catching others

I was left with a trembling lip
and a childlike finger
“why is nothing I do ever good enough for you”

and time slowed
because in the blue of his eyes
I saw his hands closed still
grasping at straws
that already fell

and lay

no longer in reach

I fell in love with pink again
the creases at my eyes and
freckles on my cheeks

the way clean smells
and feels against moisturized skin

the second glass of red
and bites of cherries
mixed with gin

I fell in love with all of the curves
and the curls in my hair

I fell in love with breathing
and romanticizing each breath

after feeling like each should be my last

you were nothing you told me you’d be
but everything you showed me

and boy did I have my eyes closed

i wanted to be the one for you
not the one that got away

he called me something pretty
as he slithered round my ankles
rattling along my bones
trying to constrict closer
and when I said that was too tight
well
he called me something not so pretty

it's the devils handiwork after all

She laughed
“There you are”
like I was tucked under covers or hiding around the corner
like I didn’t emerge with blood soaked hands
having fought tooth and nail

I found you she squealed
reaching out for me

and god did I drop
with nothing short of relief

Because to come back to her little laugh
and find her effortless grin

I could finally remind her
or maybe it was me
her confidence came
from that little me.

how do you showcase
that it’s not just the success metric
the ache roiling within

It’s that running became safety
a reclamation
a chant
a war cry

Droplets of who I was
bit by bit
Lost in the same few miles

and compressed
through blood
through screams
and loose gravel

stripping seven layers of skin
or maybe just hell

dying to the flame
to the fear
no small deaths for me

to become
nothing
but
I am

did you do it purposefully?

so that when women asked me if you actually took me on those first dates, I had to smile and say yes —

remembering the last week when we just sat in silence because if words were said we’d have to get off the phone.

or was that unintentional?

putting in your all and then breadcrumbing so I felt bad. And when you could see me withdrawing— you bring out extravagance.

So I couldn’t ask for a standard minimum.

But you wouldn’t do that, cause you’re the nice guy.

like she told me.

safety is not always comfort
and comfort is not always safety

but he was home.

and I was a stop along the way.

there’s something religious
about uber conversations
at 3:21am
sharing snippets of hearts
that may never get shared
again

a confessional with silly bumper stickers

I loved you
till I became raw
and folded myself into smaller pieces

and then he died
and I didn’t have the energy to keep up my origami antics
so I slowly
spilled over
and into all the pieces

you weren’t particularly found of

and in that moment
I realized I would
never be the one that got away
I was the one you got away with
taking the money
quite literally

and i in my brilliance
ran straight into a burning house
and sat down
waiting for it to burn around me

let this be the summer of:

shoulders brushing
blushes + kisses
arts and crafts
skinny dipping
barefoot dancing
sighing with contentedness
calling — and picking up

let this be the summer where he fell in love with me
and I, with who I could be

I swear the whiskey tastes better
between little tears
the strum of a acoustic guitar
and those little ‘what happened’ moments

I flipped through the pages
I sipped the good tea
I wandered the halls a bit more
just so they’ll see

I waited at the tables
I used the spoon
I gave them a good one

maybe then I’ll say goodbye

and sometimes all it takes is
late night Irish bars
and a woman saying she’s an empath
for 2 decades worth of crushes
to spill out on the table
and start something new

god I hope you kiss me
like that song
you know the one
the one your thinking of right now
yes you

the one you already can hear
with a little smile

and maybe one or three very good memories

you look at me
with nothing but love
the kind that wouldn’t matter if you told me otherwise
because even as the words tumble from our mouth
our shoulders brush
and i feel at home

it was funny
how everyone else could see our love
before us
how my nicknames seemed to ooze transfixion
and your immediate responses seemed to confirm everything our bodies were saying  
like we weren’t two kids
who years ago
laughed at the thought of it
it being us
but you never denied or rebuked
I realize all those years ago
and I wonder

maybe it just was me who couldn’t see it
all along

I can’t remember the last time I
was this excited
toes tapping against the floor
fingers drumming
in excitement and giddiness
with a little nerves
but ready to throw myself into his arms
because I have found
a home without him even touching me

words will never do you justice  
Because words cannot let you taste the way
the water from your back
only made me thirstier.
the way your shoulders smell like home,
a home of campfire, grease, ***, and rain
words cannot let you see the way
you cocked your head at me
with all the gears and wheels turning
to finally lay me down
words cannot express
How you pushed and pulled me
to grow a little more
words cannot let you hear the rustle of the sheets and the sound of you breathing
mixed with your heartbeat and the wind outside
a whisper against your ear
words only let me tell you of a moment
without letting you live it

your hand
it slipped from mine
and in that moment, the music got dull
slowing down to a sickening pace
Distortion clouding my judgement
or maybe just my ears

the days came and went
and I suppose it’s not all that different
I’ll be your friend once more
with hands in my pockets

delusions and distortion— no more

for I tell you
let me cry for I was made to have love in my heart
and yearning on my sleeves

I scream love me
from the top of my lungs
hoping I don’t run out of breath
and you hear that little
rattle

that I myself
am unsure
what there is left to love
in these bones of mine

she was something
no
is something
to behold
to touch
to make beg and shake and groan
to laugh into a sugar cookie
or four
and whisper the recipe across her bones

she was something
no
she is mine

the leaves moved slowly
going every which way
avoiding the ground
holding out
like if it veered long enough
hard enough
maybe even fast enough
it would miss contact
with its fated
embrace into
a new beginning

he kissed me in soft spots I didn’t know I had
angrily telling me he loved me
like it wasn’t written on every lean
curve of a smile, or touch

and he allowed me space to snap
to cry and mourn who I was
I could come overstimulated, tired and angry
but he’d slide a couple cookies my way
and tell me it was okay

cause everything really was okay

and I could tell the difference between his ‘i need space’ sigh and his ‘i need laughter’ sigh.
or just know when he needed to talk it through
over my head, around the table, and down on many, many sticky notes

Because he’d seen me on my best days and some of my worst nights
embracing all the pieces that add up to me
with an overflowing backpack
glasses adjustment
and clearing of throat

ready to love me in all the ways I didn’t know
quite existed

it’s funny how something
that started barely as flickers
can become enthralling
with a single hello
misspelt
with nerves
and unbridled excitement

sprinting
like the wildfire

well see who gets farther