maybe you shouldn’t have loved me like the stars were inconsequential that night
maybe I should’ve let you worship me among the stars
taking breaths to account for all the specks of wonder and sheer depth of beauty that the stars
and i failed to see
maybe i should’ve loved me
like the stars
incalculable in its’ glory

sometimes
it is learning how to hold the days that are so full of unabashed smiles
with the ones where you can’t breathe between tears
holding both with open palms
and the simple fact that
all things end

god I hope you kiss me
like that song
you know the one
the one your thinking of right now
yes you

the one you already can hear
with a little smile

and maybe one or three very good memories

he looked at me
and asked what I was hiding from

and it’s hard to wrap 74 layers of grief into a 5 word answer

so i smile
and give a little shrug

letting go of his hand

for the last time

love is embarrassing
WELL IT SHOULD BE
do the thing
say the thing
realize that person might not be right for you
but try anyways
to learn their soul and
awkwardly stare at each other
kissing in the street
and laughing trying to make it work
as you both start
tipp—-ing
over

as lips meet teeth
and laughter rings through the street at 10:42

your hand
it slipped from mine
and in that moment, the music got dull
slowing down to a sickening pace
Distortion clouding my judgement
or maybe just my ears

the days came and went
and I suppose it’s not all that different
I’ll be your friend once more
with hands in my pockets

delusions and distortion— no more

it was funny
how everyone else could see our love
before us
how my nicknames seemed to ooze transfixion
and your immediate responses seemed to confirm everything our bodies were saying  
like we weren’t two kids
who years ago
laughed at the thought of it
it being us
but you never denied or rebuked
I realize all those years ago
and I wonder

maybe it just was me who couldn’t see it
all along

he kissed me in soft spots I didn’t know I had
angrily telling me he loved me
like it wasn’t written on every lean
curve of a smile, or touch

and he allowed me space to snap
to cry and mourn who I was
I could come overstimulated, tired and angry
but he’d slide a couple cookies my way
and tell me it was okay

cause everything really was okay

and I could tell the difference between his ‘i need space’ sigh and his ‘i need laughter’ sigh.
or just know when he needed to talk it through
over my head, around the table, and down on many, many sticky notes

Because he’d seen me on my best days and some of my worst nights
embracing all the pieces that add up to me
with an overflowing backpack
glasses adjustment
and clearing of throat

ready to love me in all the ways I didn’t know
quite existed

would you do it with me?
figuring out paint swatches for our first office
finding the mouse we’re sure didn’t slip past us
hiding the christmas presents and taking the first sip of milk
dancing around telling our parents
and hearing you say my name
would you hold my hand through it all
in the sunshine and pouring rain
would you learn every new phase
The shape of our daughters face
would you do it with me?
over and over again.

he saw me
7 years later
with natural curls
some uneven tan lines
and a smile that finally fit

we did not exchange words
but a little look
a glance of acknowledgement

his smile was the same
the same hollow around his eyes
just a new ring on his finger

and that little look
had us acknowledging both of us survived
but only one seemed to thrive

you missed out on the me who wears her heart on her sleeve
intentionally bare
Wrapping it in the fabrics of my sweater
so that it may stay there
you missed my sighs of pain
finding that healing is not one avenue
but literal blood sweat and tears
filling the cracks of the same stretch of miles
so there could be more space within me
you missed out on the best parts of me now
knowing why I love the crashes of waves and the whispers of surrender
but you once held the parts of me
that jumped unafraid, unknowing and mostly alone
but finally
Finally
she has been laid to rest.

maybe it was the pulling out my chair
or reaching out with a cookie in the middle of overstimulation
leaning into each other
like we have secrets only we can hear
to be loved
is to be known
and you’ve known me all my life

I could just as easily
see you with your hands around my waist
as you kept me company
while i made drinks for our friends
and i triple checked my math
and you took the one
I wasn’t sure about
and said it was lovely
because
you love me
as i laugh
and we both play pretend
and i’m making
what i will come to call, the—-

it was so wrong for so many reasons
digging our graves side by side
pretending like we were just making sandcastles
like they were the houses of our dreams
unaware
but really unwilling
to get out of the holes we dug ourselves
as the tide came in
because if we stood still
long enough
maybe the tide wouldn’t destroy it
this time
like all the times before

and in that moment
I realized I would
never be the one that got away
I was the one you got away with
taking the money
quite literally

and i in my brilliance
ran straight into a burning house
and sat down
waiting for it to burn around me

it’s funny how much
seems to go back to
crayons and little promises
she made to herself
without ever knowing
quite who she would turn out to be

i wanted real
is what I actually should say
I wanted to be able to come home and argue
and disagree and fight
— fight for and fight through
and looking back
I could hear it.
that it could only ever be the ‘good’ for you
so that it would be right for you
because coming home wanting to tell me the best news
— was the only news you’d ever tell me
as the front door quickly became barricaded with the newspapers of the worst news
threatening lives like the promises you made
and recyclables with the ones I did too
—because really,
it wasn’t just you.

I know
I’ve loved you in another lifetime
with different eyes
and different smiles
but the same laughter
the same freckles
and the same heartbeat

etched across the stars
and written in our bones
how glad am I
that she knows you like that

you held me
I finally realized
and I leapt into your arms like nothing happened
but it did.

and we both pretended that if we curled in
away
but together
we could continue to grow

intertwined

but my vines were killing yours
and your roots were getting entrenched in my own
suffocating

but we held each other
pretending not to count down the seconds

you said it was unrealistic
and I realized the most unrealistic thing
was you calling this love
and I believed it.

i hope the pillow is not cold
but that it is well loved
warm and fluffed

i pray the sheets lay tousled
a little unkempt

and i hope
the pillows move

strewn around the room
with the dreams and goals

making progress
with life
and a little sleep

and just like that
once again
the water touches my toes
brushing against my fingertips
and my soul heaves A great sigh
and just for a moment
an afternoon at a time
all is well
with me

you told me a story
of a hero battered and bruised
and i fell in love
with his wit and yearning
holding his face in my hands
hoping he’d lay down his sword
but slowly
his story
broke
crumbled with time
showing what he really was battling
and
there was no dragon
no villain coming in the night.  
it was just the hero
battling himself
sword forever raised
and head dipped low
unwilling to face that his story
was more or less his own

i wonder if she sees me like a storm
brewing beneath the thunder
unexpected and a little unprecedented
but the occasional lightning makes her think
I just might be worth it

i wonder if she tastes like wild honey
filtered with sunshine and passion
handled and graced with extreme care

i wonder if she feels like those first drops of rain in the summer on a little pavement
needing to breathe her in over
and over

i wonder if she sounds like phthalo blue
mixing dreams and melancholy all in a few little exhales
echoing refrains like those last few strokes
making art true
perfection

i wonder if she just might be
all I’ve ever wanted
to grace my senses

there’s something religious
about uber conversations
at 3:21am
sharing snippets of hearts
that may never get shared
again

a confessional with silly bumper stickers

she sits by the window
thinking of days gone by
and people she no longer knows the names of
watching the rain
fall
over and over
wondering when the storm will break
or just
keep

I loved you
till I became raw
and folded myself into smaller pieces

and then he died
and I didn’t have the energy to keep up my origami antics
so I slowly
spilled over
and into all the pieces

you weren’t particularly found of

the leaves moved slowly
going every which way
avoiding the ground
holding out
like if it veered long enough
hard enough
maybe even fast enough
it would miss contact
with its fated
embrace into
a new beginning

I loved the way you touched me
when my eyes were closed in the sunshine
when it was quiet in the moonlight
and that made it all right

I wish it could’ve last forever
perfection when clothes were laid on the floor
and words were not the language we used.

when you saw me how you wanted me, and how I wanted you too.

but alas,
the day is rarely that bright
or illuminated like that night

so perfection
was met with a curfew
one too short for me
and you

you fed me to the wolves

and defended them when they bit down
and left chunks.

you would rather swallow the bile
and pretend like that was love

than look at my wounds
and see it for what it really was.

I used to wonder why he looked back
with the last few steps
after thousands
maybe even more

but I realized at a quarter past two
I was doing the same thing
looking at you

i am relearning to dance in my kitchen
hopping to the beat
swinging and laughing
with and without friends
but often
in the sunlight

for the girl who thought
the sun would never rise again
yes

I dance for her

I scream love me
from the top of my lungs
hoping I don’t run out of breath
and you hear that little
rattle

that I myself
am unsure
what there is left to love
in these bones of mine

it’s that moment
where you look at them across the way
and know

you wouldn’t lay on the train tracks for them
god no.

you’d learn how to sing
to sit in silence
make their favourite meal
and maybe change a bike tire.

I’d wanna live.
The incredibly terrifying, soul-wrenching ordeal, of living with them. for them.

and maybe even because of them.

it’s in that moment
you see all the moments
that aren’t just the last.

I hope
i smell your cologne
and little bit of sweat from hard work

as you carry me through the last finish line

but knowing you

it’ll likely be a scramble against the blockades
yelling at me as I fall
to get up

on hands and knees

to finish one more mile

because you knew I could
push through it all
without you

She laughed
“There you are”
like I was tucked under covers or hiding around the corner
like I didn’t emerge with blood soaked hands
having fought tooth and nail

I found you she squealed
reaching out for me

and god did I drop
with nothing short of relief

Because to come back to her little laugh
and find her effortless grin

I could finally remind her
or maybe it was me
her confidence came
from that little me.

how do you showcase
that it’s not just the success metric
the ache roiling within

It’s that running became safety
a reclamation
a chant
a war cry

Droplets of who I was
bit by bit
Lost in the same few miles

and compressed
through blood
through screams
and loose gravel

stripping seven layers of skin
or maybe just hell

dying to the flame
to the fear
no small deaths for me

to become
nothing
but
I am

safety is not always comfort
and comfort is not always safety

but he was home.

and I was a stop along the way.

she was something
no
is something
to behold
to touch
to make beg and shake and groan
to laugh into a sugar cookie
or four
and whisper the recipe across her bones

she was something
no
she is mine

“I guess I fumbled this didn’t I”

and thank god I knew enough to pause
and take eighty four steps back
because what would’ve had me leaping into a pit
of guilt tipped spears

had me giggling
miles away
because darling you already know the answer

and are hoping
I’ll bite

it’s funny how something
that started barely as flickers
can become enthralling
with a single hello
misspelt
with nerves
and unbridled excitement

sprinting
like the wildfire

well see who gets farther

some will draw lines in the sand
few will chisel out craters
many a line of chalk

and when the rest come
going about their day
They will have soil slipping out of their pockets
And rain following their wake

to pretend like nothing was there, anyways

I fell in love with pink again
the creases at my eyes and
freckles on my cheeks

the way clean smells
and feels against moisturized skin

the second glass of red
and bites of cherries
mixed with gin

I fell in love with all of the curves
and the curls in my hair

I fell in love with breathing
and romanticizing each breath

after feeling like each should be my last

that’s just it?
isn’t it.

the little patter of rain
half eaten sandwich
and awkward angles
Squished between all the I love yous
and miss yous

hoping when you say ‘come round again!’
they get the chance to

I loved you like the stars were inconsequential that night

because nothing in that moment mattered as much
as your exhales declaring your needs against the inhales of my dreams

and now I meditate
amidst the wind

inhaling
and exhaling

while staring at the stars

because god they are stunning.

for I tell you
let me cry for I was made to have love in my heart
and yearning on my sleeves

sometimes it takes pouring gasoline
and walking away

other times

it’s meticulously, painstakingly
removing debris
on your hands and knees

and learning to try again

some kisses and liquor are best left
when left
alone

you loved me for my innocence
my light
my newness

and like looking back on faded pictures
i sit shaking my head
at how little she knew
and that I wish I could bottle her fearless
trust

but god I can’t blame you
for loving a force of nature

because for all of it
you held her as best as you could

with terror in your eyes and trembles in your hands
that she’d leave

because she was too young to read the signs
and so she cries all the way home
to me

flipping through poems
and what I thought love only was