maybe it’s more intimate
because it’s real
there’s no playing house
or dress up
or certainly not pretend

it is just you
standing in front of me
figuring out how your long hands
curl into my small ones
figuring out how we fit
together

you love me like you know you have time
like you knew
and didn’t mind waiting
maybe that’s because you always did know
that every memory tied you to me
and strung our every dream, hope, and fantasy
into the floorboards of our home
where you’re a terrible dancer
but you don’t seem to mind
because after all
you love me like you know you have time

you have loved me so completely
it compliments the healing and gardening I did
before you walked in the door
flowers and fruits, willows and trees
Bloom when you come to greet me
I’m grateful there’s room for more

I was positively certain
That everybody had to be positively uncertain
until
our first date and I
was certain
positively

he is not a carnal need
but god does he feed me

he is no rock
but an Oak by right
having found his way
into every moment of mine

his roots stretch deep
running far and wide

Brushing against my own
just a few, many many times

so he finds my soul
and feels
against his own

creating a story
to be told
until

a moment is found
where love wasn’t written in every sound

oh how I loved her
as she ran for the hills screaming
and thrashing
a little gnashing of teeth

never will I let a man ever again
she roared with the drum
a battle cry — if you didn’t see the tear stains
consistent with the beat

until he reached out
no weapon to be seen
and the drum

slowed

along with her feet
— as puddles were made

his love on display

an act, a feat

no longer does she run
wearing the armour of a warrior
desperate for a fight

because he, oh he held her stare
unflinching
with every moment of time

oh how I loved her

but


the time for war is over

peace offerings
new countries
for the shore she longed for
is finally
under her feet

so she lays down her armour
her sword ****** so deep

as he planted the roots
of something
so sweet

into the ground as a promise
no more
no need

how joyful am i
that it never worked out between us
that through heart ache
soul ache
and lost weight

we found that we set off the course of our tomorrows

to chase and run among the stars and find what we really are made of

and you will be so much more loved
than you could ever dream of

for what it would take to write up the wall
and have all the pretty little words I want to hear
to caress me like a midnight kiss
after hours of waiting for them to come home

but
the light bulb flickered out
and the walls have changed to a shade of blue
I love the quiet
and now
even then
I don't think id want you

he saw my face
and immediately said I’m sorry
without blinking

and I realized that I could’ve been bleeding
bare and broken

and you would’ve said
it wasn’t your fault

thankfully
the bleeding isn’t permanent
and he doesn’t give much reasons
for sorry’s anyhow

each step
on days like today

I have to remember what it felt like
in those moments
to not really be seen
or even really heard.

to not love his touch on my skin
and closing my eyes pretending time hadn’t passed.

but it did.
it passed. along with who I was. how I felt.
and how I wanted to sin

my friend told me the other day
you can’t block them
because what if you miss that midnight text?
then you win
she grinned

and i stood
frozen
because I wasn’t focused
on winning
I just wanted it to be
over

it is learning what safety is
without dependence
to trust his hand
knowing he hates fighting
to feel my body
as it rests against his own
to understand
why peace may feel so unsettling
because I've never had the chance to settle into it

i can’t help but giggle
knowing so many have no idea
who we are
as we walk hand in hand
yet having known us all our lives

he loved me like he was kissing heaven
slow and sweet
without an end in sight
so he took his time
learning

the when you know
posturing is the funniest thing
because life is thinking you know
and stumbling over and over
until
you do in fact know
35 years later
as they keep holding your hand
or would’ve anyways

he loves me
Like you love the changing seasons
Showing up Daily
for the most part
to take place in the movement
the moment
occasionally with a look of awe
and stunned appreciation
but always
feeling better
and looking forward to the next change

I take it all back
never would he make me settle
he’d run free with me
and show me his gardens
his open field plains
and the places he’d want to call home
but run with me through rivers
mountains
and all the valleys between
and we’d find
that really
together
is where we want to settle
without fences
or shoddy restraints
never would he make me settle

I’ll paint your dreams
across the skies of my soul

and I’ll give you my blues
and pinks or grays too

for you to remember the moments
you whispered you liked me too
in the smoke of a bar
and we grinned
ear to ear
giggling

and I wonder what we’ll paint next

I am learning
most of my days
will now be spent
continually falling in love
with how you choose to love me
every day
in every way
simply because you can
so I find
my desire to learn was the perfect gift
after all

I am getting to live out
the little me’s fairytale dreams
but there’s no prince with a crown
nor dragon or beast
but you who’ll ask me
and lead with me
through the mazes
of horror
and terror of potential defeat
but you hold my hand
and say my name
with reverence
and the prettiest peace
boldly
standing not in front
but beside me

you loved me
in a single breath
more than some have loved me
in whole years

finding my dreams in the tiniest details
and bringing them to my doorstep
for me to cherish
and run for the next sliver

and you hold my oversized tote
like it’s a lifeline
because an asthmatic
gave me more breath
than Atlas
trying to hold it all

you showed up as you are
with the sweetest smile and softest intention
and I couldn’t wait
to be back in your arms again

I didn’t get giddy
like pinch me giddy
but man
have you put a spell on me
because I’m dying to see you
but knowing it’s worth the wait

he feels like home
like the us against the world home
lacking reckless and careless abandon
no
he greets me with messy tabletops and mismatched socks
but the coffee *** is on
and my favourite show is playing

he loves me how I asked to be loved
without even speaking

and suddenly he was exactly what I wanted
and everything I needed
and god am I thankful
that I just got to be

and sometimes all it takes is
late night Irish bars
and a woman saying she’s an empath
for 2 decades worth of crushes
to spill out on the table
and start something new

you look at me
with nothing but love
the kind that wouldn’t matter if you told me otherwise
because even as the words tumble from our mouth
our shoulders brush
and i feel at home

I can’t remember the last time I
was this excited
toes tapping against the floor
fingers drumming
in excitement and giddiness
with a little nerves
but ready to throw myself into his arms
because I have found
a home without him even touching me

it’s the way his smile
makes me think of the wickedest things
like his lips along my thighs
and how his laughter would taste
and rumble along my skin
so i’m looking up jokes
to pleasure us both

he spoke softly
and leaned in only when I did
he dropped forget me nots
all round the floor
for over a decade
for me to find
before I even knew
it was what I was looking for

she sang sunrise
and I happened to remember
that 22 months of frequently crawling
jogging, and falling over to start again

but we made it through
and she sang while I put on the kettle
with emails coming in

and i realize that the suddenly happenings
was just 683 sunrises

and the sudden knowledge
that it would happen again
being excited that maybe today’s would be outshined by tomorrows
Sunrise.

and it all made sense
on a random Tuesday morning
in Sunshine
and surrounded by people I probably will never know the names of
that it was worth it.
every tear, scrap of skin, broken promises and hallowed sins
i found
everything that was missing

slowly
I stopped using you as the comparison point
as he stepped up to the plate
and I realized
somewhere along the way
slowly
he reached out his hand
barely
but I caught his flinch
and I haven’t let go since

maybe you shouldn’t have loved me like the stars were inconsequential that night
maybe I should’ve let you worship me among the stars
taking breaths to account for all the specks of wonder and sheer depth of beauty that the stars
and i failed to see
maybe i should’ve loved me
like the stars
incalculable in its’ glory

sometimes
it is learning how to hold the days that are so full of unabashed smiles
with the ones where you can’t breathe between tears
holding both with open palms
and the simple fact that
all things end

god I hope you kiss me
like that song
you know the one
the one your thinking of right now
yes you

the one you already can hear
with a little smile

and maybe one or three very good memories

he looked at me
and asked what I was hiding from

and it’s hard to wrap 74 layers of grief into a 5 word answer

so i smile
and give a little shrug

letting go of his hand

for the last time

love is embarrassing
WELL IT SHOULD BE
do the thing
say the thing
realize that person might not be right for you
but try anyways
to learn their soul and
awkwardly stare at each other
kissing in the street
and laughing trying to make it work
as you both start
tipp—-ing
over

as lips meet teeth
and laughter rings through the street at 10:42

your hand
it slipped from mine
and in that moment, the music got dull
slowing down to a sickening pace
Distortion clouding my judgement
or maybe just my ears

the days came and went
and I suppose it’s not all that different
I’ll be your friend once more
with hands in my pockets

delusions and distortion— no more

it was funny
how everyone else could see our love
before us
how my nicknames seemed to ooze transfixion
and your immediate responses seemed to confirm everything our bodies were saying  
like we weren’t two kids
who years ago
laughed at the thought of it
it being us
but you never denied or rebuked
I realize all those years ago
and I wonder

maybe it just was me who couldn’t see it
all along

he kissed me in soft spots I didn’t know I had
angrily telling me he loved me
like it wasn’t written on every lean
curve of a smile, or touch

and he allowed me space to snap
to cry and mourn who I was
I could come overstimulated, tired and angry
but he’d slide a couple cookies my way
and tell me it was okay

cause everything really was okay

and I could tell the difference between his ‘i need space’ sigh and his ‘i need laughter’ sigh.
or just know when he needed to talk it through
over my head, around the table, and down on many, many sticky notes

Because he’d seen me on my best days and some of my worst nights
embracing all the pieces that add up to me
with an overflowing backpack
glasses adjustment
and clearing of throat

ready to love me in all the ways I didn’t know
quite existed

would you do it with me?
figuring out paint swatches for our first office
finding the mouse we’re sure didn’t slip past us
hiding the christmas presents and taking the first sip of milk
dancing around telling our parents
and hearing you say my name
would you hold my hand through it all
in the sunshine and pouring rain
would you learn every new phase
The shape of our daughters face
would you do it with me?
over and over again.

he saw me
7 years later
with natural curls
some uneven tan lines
and a smile that finally fit

we did not exchange words
but a little look
a glance of acknowledgement

his smile was the same
the same hollow around his eyes
just a new ring on his finger

and that little look
had us acknowledging both of us survived
but only one seemed to thrive

you missed out on the me who wears her heart on her sleeve
intentionally bare
Wrapping it in the fabrics of my sweater
so that it may stay there
you missed my sighs of pain
finding that healing is not one avenue
but literal blood sweat and tears
filling the cracks of the same stretch of miles
so there could be more space within me
you missed out on the best parts of me now
knowing why I love the crashes of waves and the whispers of surrender
but you once held the parts of me
that jumped unafraid, unknowing and mostly alone
but finally
Finally
she has been laid to rest.

maybe it was the pulling out my chair
or reaching out with a cookie in the middle of overstimulation
leaning into each other
like we have secrets only we can hear
to be loved
is to be known
and you’ve known me all my life

I could just as easily
see you with your hands around my waist
as you kept me company
while i made drinks for our friends
and i triple checked my math
and you took the one
I wasn’t sure about
and said it was lovely
because
you love me
as i laugh
and we both play pretend
and i’m making
what i will come to call, the—-

it was so wrong for so many reasons
digging our graves side by side
pretending like we were just making sandcastles
like they were the houses of our dreams
unaware
but really unwilling
to get out of the holes we dug ourselves
as the tide came in
because if we stood still
long enough
maybe the tide wouldn’t destroy it
this time
like all the times before

and in that moment
I realized I would
never be the one that got away
I was the one you got away with
taking the money
quite literally

and i in my brilliance
ran straight into a burning house
and sat down
waiting for it to burn around me

it’s funny how much
seems to go back to
crayons and little promises
she made to herself
without ever knowing
quite who she would turn out to be