it is in these moments
that I sit
and mourn for little you
and little me
for the great love we were
and could’ve been
but it was like two stars colliding
burning each other up
since they couldn’t coexist by starving themselves just to keep the other
breathing

so in these moments
I sit
and remember how much I loved green eyes
and the way your heart
tangled with mine

during one of these moments

let this be the summer of:

shoulders brushing
blushes + kisses
arts and crafts
skinny dipping
barefoot dancing
sighing with contentedness
calling — and picking up

let this be the summer where he fell in love with me
and I, with who I could be

I miss what I imagined
not what I survived

but god does it make me feel alive
to know I made it through

he looked at me
and spilled out his fears
With a few upper cuts mixed in
and after dodging a few
and catching others

I was left with a trembling lip
and a childlike finger
“why is nothing I do ever good enough for you”

and time slowed
because in the blue of his eyes
I saw his hands closed still
grasping at straws
that already fell

and lay

no longer in reach

I want to scream I hate you
and maybe you do too
but I knew your (our) traumas
more intimately than I knew you

the lies you (we) weaved
a better quilter than me
with “opportunity” scattered across the floor

luring (us) me between sheets
moans
and presents

rotting like me

because nothing screams “I’ll get to it”
Like the maggots of our (your) dreams crawling back to me

cause I kept feeding them

It’s funny
hearing thoughts I have had
in the dark
Sitting underneath the water in my tub
laughed back to me
with friends
and cramped cars

it was just in a different font
a different accent
but cherished all the same

hearing pieces of my soul
Whispered against my neck
Not knowing I’d ever hear them
out loud

tease me
as we lean against the bar
hiding from the others
call me darlin’
As I accidentally step on a toe
fine maybe two
and pondering who’ll wear the cowboy hat for the night
and maybe a couple more