what happened?

is what I want to say.

but I can’t say that. Because I think we both know that as much as I loved you

and you thought you loved me.

where were we going?
where was there room for me

don’t tell me
What Penelope would have said
because that is not my prophecy
not mine to claim
because for all the suitors
and waiting
I would’ve set fire to the world
for the thrill of it
in a claim of vengeance
and spite
maybe burn the present
they so desperately desired
so utterly sick of waiting
for the potential of his love
his life
to come home

he said
“whatever you’re doing, keep doing that”
and I laughed
barking French seals

for doing months of work
taking sledgehammers to who I was
and gutting my soul
bare.

breaking everything intangible
and building her again

opening the crawl spaces
where the spiders lay layered

the basement with lounging leaders
diplomats in fear
wrapped in anger
and anxiety

Laying them all out in the open
Sunshine burning their skin
whispering a thank you
and the softest goodbye

cause the doors were wide open
with nothing left to hide

so come in the front door, and I’ll greet you like an old friend
just now with a curfew

as much as I love its whispers
the tangle with the heat
the littlest deaths
of everything but ego
and idolatry

the heat left scars
whispering ink
just left stains
nothing
really pretty
or even very neat

I quit drinking
and that was that.

to sit
slow down and actually pause
in all of the things
is so utterly painful
for months
but oh my god
so so worth it

crawl to me
so I may hear you beg
and I may listen in a smoke filled bar
from a cross the room
how he felt
in another lifetime
what it was like to be wanted

it felt good today
crying after the third mile
enjoying the sweat
the heat

winding down to the sounds
of a home
and a quite loud snoring puppy

But besides the point

it felt good today
finally