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 Dec 2012 Caitlin Drew
Lauren
There is classical music shaking dust from the ceiling tiles above
my bed warmed like a waffle iron, sheets lay in a disarray of the Rocky mountains
each crevice as hot as the bottom of my feet while standing on the sand of a beach
small summer shells tucked away in the top of my bikini
and you left to wait at your keyboard. Leave my head please.
I tried so desperately to write a poem without you hiding in each letter,
every word telling those hurting who hurt me before that it will get better.
I'm not lying to them, although I'd say it if I were. The music above me still plays
making colors swirl and bump together, standing side by side with my mother.
She called the other day, although I think I called her. Said thank you for
birthing me and raising me and feeding me and giving me a place to sleep
all in three words I haven't said before. Not in years.
I think I meant it. I wish I were sure.
What is.
What should be.
What should never be.

All three a lie because "should" is a child's game (we all know this by now)
and "is" is the last twinkle of light
the last taste of a word
another move in the game
ache in the side ... pain in the ***
of the dying.

As they drift off to dream of an "is" just as real
as last night's dreams,
as the tv screen.

The idea of "a life,"
yours his hers,
it is an idea.
Feel a sharp stone in your eye
or a wet rock on your thigh ...
It doesn't "mean" anything until you think about it.

And as soon as you think it,
you think what it could be instead,
what it might be someday,
what it should be ...

That "should" is timeless,
built in to heart and elbows ...
the love you feel for others,
and your need to tear them down.

This is how we build "religion,"
and how we know
we are Animals.

You will burn to ashes,
But the winds will remember
someone just like you
and drag them into the next world.
 Dec 2012 Caitlin Drew
DM
I'm sending in an application.
This will be an indication.
If they accept me I will be happy.
I will go to a wonderful university.

I have wanted to go here for a while.
I will have a lot of work in a pile.
I can't wait to hear back.
I will have my life on track.

I will probably end up in a sob.
I will find a job.
I will grow up soon.
My application will be sent by noon.

I can for sure say I'm nervous.
Before I know it I'll be saying,"at your service!"
I'm scared to move on.
My new life will soon dawn.
you did not recognize me
I am glad you did not  
maybe you did not see me,
standing by the salad bar,
sentry over the slaughtered greens
but I think you did,
when your blue eyes met mine
they did not pause  
surely they would have
if you knew it was I  
my blonde hair about which you wrote verse
is now as gray as the winter sky
the same sky that gave us cause
to hide in your cozy room
roll in each other’s arms
and believe those silky moaning moments
would last forever
forever, though we never said that word
I  w h i s p e r e d  it, watching you sleep  
knowing your dreams were not of me,
perhaps they were of the mountains you climbed,
the men you had to ****, the mother you never had
whose ******* my own could never replace
but you cradled and caressed them
like they were treasure,
like you had supped from them
and they sustained you
and allowed you the exquisite vulnerability
I saw in your young eyes
forever, I must have whispered
but  
you were of another time,
barely older than my spawn
and now under florescent  firmament
with other anonymous dreamers drifting by
pausing only long enough
to choose their own fruit or bread
I watch you become smaller with each step
watching you again with a w h i s p e r  
forever,
forever,
though you did not know
who I was
on this...winter's eve
Originally titled, "to the gypsy blonde poetry lady, who I hope still thinks of me on winter’s eve".
I rarely write anything about my personal experiences except a reference now and then to something I may have seen or heard in Vietnam, so this is a departure of sorts. I wrote this from what I hope would be the point of view of a former lover, a strikingly beautiful woman and poet, 13 years my senior. I was blessed to have my time with her nearly 30 years ago.
 Dec 2012 Caitlin Drew
Z
resistance.
 Dec 2012 Caitlin Drew
Z
a little give,
a little take,
watch it bend,
but it doesn't break.
it resists the pressure,
and snaps back into place.
resistance.
noun.
1. the act or power of resisting, opposing, or withstanding.
although powerful thoughts can be quite demanding.
to do it or not?
fight off the thoughts,
resist.
resist the urge,
to binge and purge,
yourself in negative things.
lost and lowly,
carefully, and slowly,
resist the pain resistance brings.
 Dec 2012 Caitlin Drew
Kay Phase
unable to act first
without complete reassurances

so i hesitate
contemplate
[wait]
finding solace in the imagined

while we're together
[or not..]
when we shared your bed
in my head
i've directed this scene countless times

CLOSE-UP / zoom in:
your lips seek mine
just briefly
plush petals pressed sweetly
between our pages
[faces]
intertwined behind
your neck my fingers & palms placed
& as i peel away
the corners of our mouths simultaneously draw up
as if on strings
[in my daydreams, we are my marionettes]
& my hand tugs at yours
to yank our bodies
from the middle of an evening street

this depiction
[fiction]
is lost in reality's roughness
practice is pretend when imagined
so i beg for steady hands
just to place one
FIRM
hand on your chest
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