I think
I used to
Carry emotion

I could make my world move
I will gladly refuse

Would you respect my will to leave this mortal coil?
Could you understand your reflection is your foil?
Can you accept the demons as your own?
Accept you are alone,
And atone for your heart of stone?
To find the battle you've fought, hard and strong
Meant nothing in the long run?
You had your fun.
The sun is long gone,
And the one
Thing you had left,
You threw away.
Deal with another day.
There's no way.
You're not okay
Not fine.
Not mine.
So divine.

Nein.

Hey guys
Guess what!
I've been drinking since 8 PM yesterday evening
It's going on 4 AM.
Whiskey and watered down, or stale, cola.
And I still don't feel like socking some random
Bystander
In the face.
Right hook
For no reason at all.
In Latrobe
Pistolvania,
Because that's how you prove strength.
That's how you show your dominance.
I guess.

I beg to disagree.
Tunnel vision's setting in. No holding back now.

I don't give a **** who you are.
I don't give a **** what you're made of.
If you're ready to lay hands on
My father,
And my brother,
Know full and well that you just dug your own ******* grave.

I will pull you off of my brother.
I will make you submit.
And you will know "you done goofed"
As you and yours would put it so beautifully.

The man you once respected for holding his own
Is now the man who holds your fate.

If that's your mindset, I was wrong all this time
Another year wasted on a careless mind
And I feel fine, yessir, I do
The gallons of tears I wasted on the thought of
You.
Who's to say I'd run and hide
And who's to say I'd care
Who's to say I never tried
When it's
you
Who would never dare?

I spilled my heart out, took over a week
And not once did I reach for a bottle.
I just wanted to show you who I was
Before I had time to pin my throttle
In that short moment I grasped at faith
Believing life will go on
But God wasn't feeling that Good today
And dusk came without a dawn.

Once you have the best in life
There's only degrees of bland
Everything else is mediocre at best
Might as well die on my plot of land

I stay up all night downing my memories
Drowning my sorrows
Keeping the demons at bay
For one more day
It can always wait until tomorrow
It can wait 'til sunrise to face my enemies

I can plug in
I can overpower the thoughts
I can defeat what drags me to the end
It helps me defend
It kills what I've caught
And its fire wipes away my sin

Temporary
Imprecise
My aim is not true
And I cannot undo
Cannot stop this device
This is all necessary

Stalling
Falling
Calling
Crying
Denying
Dying.

Dead.
­Hey

Maybe it's all in my head.

Purge your pride,
Purge your rights,
Purge your denial,
Purge your integrity,
Purge your stability,
Purge your innocence,
Purge your virginity,
Purge your anger,
Purge your happiness,
Purge your sorrow,
Purge your doubt,
Purge your past,
Purge your present,
Purge your future,
Purge what you know,
Purge what you don't know,
Purge your mind,
Purge your heart,
Purge your lungs,
Purge your blood,
Purge your beliefs,
Purge your taboos,
Purge your sickness,
Purge your health,
Purge your degrees,
Purge your ignorance,
Purge your racism,
Purge your tolerance,
Purge your love,
Purge your hate,
Purge your indecency,
Purge your modesty,
Purge life,
Purge death,
Purge lucidity,
Purge sobriety,
Purge intoxication,
Purge absolution,
Purge desolation,

Purge.

Purge until you can't purge anymore,
And become perfect in another life.

[M],

I miss you, man. First and foremost.

I'm not sure if it helps when I say you haven't missed much, but you know how this area is. Same old **** and a different day.

As I write this, I'm fresh off of a work week heading into a three day weekend, which, as I'm sure you're aware, is a blessing when you're in the [JOB].
Today was payday, and this weekend was dedicated to what I wanted to do after two months of straight work without any kind of rest.

Band practice on Saturday: Eight hours of nonstop musicianship among people that understand what music truly is.

On Sunday,[...]

I was going to borrow my dad's car and [...]

Unfortunately, either my boss or my boss' bank royally ****** up my paycheck. To keep it short, I have to wait until this Monday to get paid, effectively ruining everything I looked forward to.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, at this point, I'm as locked up as you are, brother.

I've been told countless times to smile, to make the best of things, to... whatever. It's for them above all else. They don't like drama, yet they fish for it.

I'm sitting in [BAR] because my father had the decency to lend me cash until next week. I knew where that money was going just as much as he did. I came here to drown my sorrows, they know I'm upset, why can't they just leave me be?

[MUTUAL FRIEND] misses you. I'm sure [KARAOKE DJs] do as well. I found out what happened through [FORMER COWORKER], and [MUTUAL FRIEND] elaborated. I'm glad [SISTER] posted a way to get a hold of you on your Facebook; without her, I wouldn't have known what to do.

I hope you're doing well, [M]. Write back if you can, I'd love to hear from you. In case something gets mixed up or whatever, here's my address. I'll check it every day. Otherwise, you know my number, and it never changes.

[ADDRESS, ******* CREEPERS]

Stay strong, stay safe, and above all, stay gold.
I love you, brother. I'll see you soon enough.

[...]

Don't give me that ****.
Do not treat depression as a disagreement, or
A comparison.

Some children need water.
I need a brain.
What good is sustaining a body
When the mind is in a coma
The body cannot, will not, self sustain

Do not tell me there are people
In this world
Who would literally ****
To live my life.
Our lifestyles are not our problems.
Our problems are not our lifestyles.

Our problems
Individually
Rest within ourselves.

If the world starves, I am starving too
In a concept that only I will understand.
I know, I feel, I hate, I live,
And nobody can take that away from me.

I cannot tell you what's wrong
You cannot tell me what's right.

I CANNOT TELL YOU WHAT'S RIGHT.
YOU CANNOT TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG.

Even the earnest of kings have their downfall
Just as an unstoppable force meets their immovable wall
Try as they will to retain their crown
As a jester would force an insincere frown

Yeah, life ***** about as much as it blows
For every brightest sun, a black wind will follow
For every day late and a dollar short
It's never too late to play our part

I dabble back and forth
Whether I'm happy or sad
Never a dull moment in my head
To save me from the mad-

Lest I become a slave to this machine
It demands peace for oil and blood for gasoline

A petty tribute for a moment of peace
A simple price to pay for one enormous release

I'm always damning myself.

But at least
It's always
My
Decision.

Nothing.
A void.
A dissemination of figures from a reality I cannot avoid.
**** me now.
Both angels and devils, their pettiness and frugal lifestyles mean nothing to me.

When I die, I want nothing but rain as a tribute.
A refreshing remembrance of all I could do, and all I never did.

Hard as coal, soft as hail.

**** me, and I'll sing.

Have you ever wanted to sit in silence
Absolute silence
Stare into nothing, meld with the world

Have you ever questioned your pennant
Your heart's tenant
And count the swine from your pearls

Have you ever wanted to reach out
Learn what they're about
Shoulder to shoulder, analyze

Have you ever wanted to try
While the rest of the universe dies
Count on one soul, epitomize

Well, maybe we think we know the answers
Or maybe we haven't the slightest
But the darkest hour is always near
And always following is the brightest
Some take their pleasure in the form of sin
And some with a grain of salt
Some take their pleasure from the damage within
Some would never know when they're missing out

I never begged for mercy
At least up until this point
And I would never say it outright
But I want out of this joint
In the worst way, my surroundings need to burn
And perhaps then, this town would thrive
For honor is merely a lesson learned

When the odds are against you to survive

I wish to shine.

A friend told me tonight that going through past writings is good for realizing how much one has changed, even when it seems as though nothing has changed at all. I went through my old Tumblr account before deleting it last night, and this is what I salvaged. Ramblings, realizations, maybe some of it can even be considered "poetry."

Enjoy.

November 16, 2013

Why can't I just fall asleep.
Why can't I not want another cigarette.
Why can't I function like a normal human being and fear the dark, and relish my time in the sunlight.
Why.

August 24, 2013

Truth hurts.
Truth is pain.
Pain is temporary.
Truth stains.
Truth lives in all of us.
All understand pain.
All is temporary.
We grow from pain.
We decide how temporary truth is.
We decide how long pain affects us.

March 11, 2013

I watched them stomp out the door.
Into the ******* shade of blue a car could ever have.
Off to go who knows where.
I don't know if they said anything to me.
I didn't have anything to say.

One last evening in Hell, and the only company I wouldn't want are
Three cats.

February 23, 2013

*My body yearns
Struggles
Begs
For rest
But I will refuse
And I will endure the trials
Each one laid in front of
And behind me.
One last hurrah, one last war
Within a breath, within my power
One last chance to live my dream
And after that, we'll go from there.
I don’t even know.

The past is where it belongs.
Behind us, a distant echo through fog,
A ringing in your ear, or the blur in your peripheral.
The past is the autumn chill
Which stands the hair on your neck to attention
With every subtle breeze through the falling leaves,
Or the cobwebs you step through with wild abandon.

The past is right behind you.
Your shadow.
Mimicking your every step and analyzing your motions.
Time's very own Jack the Ripper, with a modus operandi so pure.
Anxiety is the weapon of choice,
Fear is its watchword.

Striking at your weakest point,
When your mind is finally clear.
A scheduled reminder that somehow,
Somewhere,
You failed.

So keep moving forward lest the Leather Apron strike again.

There are people out there who are meant to succeed, and live an easy life.

And there are people out there who try their hardest and end up failures anyway.

They try to fix themselves, they try to atone for the ****** things they've done in the past, and sometimes, it succeeds.

It never lasts forever, and that’s the greatest tragedy.

Their only success is that those people are built for that kind of life. I’m one of those people, never able to completely get their **** together, only long enough to make it work for as long as they need it. To be able to take the stop-loss and still tread water enough to keep them out of the graves they’re constantly digging.

Some people simply don’t want saved. They don’t need fixed because they accept their destiny.

I don’t want saved. Don’t need it.

Sometimes all I want is to talk to someone who knows how that goes.

No solution.

Only acceptance.

I'm a blue-collared, back talkin' *******
Without an ounce of respect for this world
Got a beer in my left hand, a guitar in my right
Black eyes that shine like diamonds and pearls

Got a switchblade sharper than your girlfriend's knees
Better hold your breath, baby, I'm a social disease
And if there's one thing with the time I'm alive
If you wanna learn to live, you gotta know how to die

So let's go for a ride through the canyons of Hell
Where we're goin', no one knowin', too afraid to tell
Ain't no stoppin' this train til we're off the tracks
And this conductor says there ain't no turnin' back

Pin the throttle to the floor, three hundred and six
Where the hellraising ******* of rock get their kicks
'Til we're passed out on the tracks and to the heavens we cry
Cuz ain't nothin' like livin' like learnin' to die

As I fall into the stupor I wanted,
Allow my slumber to be haunted,
By the failures I succeeded to withhold,
By the nightmares I endure, so bold,
By the tears I will hold back for show.
And by the fears only I can truly know.

Allow the morning to bring me pain,
Every cracking joint as my refrain,
And every breath, a struggle shall be
Until my final gasp sets me free.
And until that candid and glorious moment,
Every hacking cough I shall lament.

May my stagger towards vitality bring me to fall,
May my hand miss its point when I hit the wall.
May my reality distort my thoughts, my vision
As I pull myself closer to the decision

That there is no hope for this life of mine,
That functionality through despair is what will define

My shining moment. A sacrificial torment.