I can’t stand it; the echoing of your voice rings
in my ears like the thunder rolled off those hills behind your apartment as we ran inside
trying to gain shelter before the rain poured down on us and all we thought
we were. We sat there on your bed
holding each other as the storm shook the world outside. The flash of lightening lit up
your face and I realized that something changed;
I didn’t feel right in your arms. Looking into your eyes
I noticed I was hanging onto every word
that flowed out of your mouth even though I knew everything was a lie.
You kissed my forehead and my stomach didn’t fill with butterflies.
I got up and walked out that door that always stuck only to be instantly drenched

by the rain. It was then that my stomach turned, my eyes opened.
My clothes were soaked and sticking to my body but I’d never felt more unconstricted.
I became so accustomed to hiding from the rain, standing under shelters to protect myself
from the unknown.  But you’re no longer my bridge. I don’t need you

there to keep me warm and dry. I’m not just going to fly like the butterflies
that used to crowd my stomach. I’m going to conquer.
I don’t need you to save me.
I’m going to soar.

My throat's burning like I just took five shots but I've been sober
for weeks. The world around me is becoming fuzzy and my eye lids
are heavy on my face because I haven't
slept for days.
This isn't how it's supposed to be. The sky's
bright blue but it's raining and we're
just chasing

shadows, wondering aimlessly around, protecting ourselves
from the rain with broken black umbrellas and half smiles that mimic
the supposedly happy lives we tell everyone
we're living.
I don't recognize my surroundings.
I feel like a stranger

in my own bed
I'm homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. The burning in my throat
has developed into a throbbing
as if the thunder from the rain storm
was only inside my chest.
There's no sign of a cease

fire. No one should control every thought that runs through your mind taking over every empty space
that used to be filled with images of what used to be. The throbbing sinks lower to my stomach

that used to be filled with butterflies but now just twists into knots that I feel like will never get to replicate
the pretzel we would share at that carnival across town. We live with

the scars we chose and I'm choosing you. Not to be a permanent mark on my body but to help me forget
all the ones I already have, whether they're stupid decisions like taking too many shots I can't feel the burn anymore,
walking around dripping wet from puddle jumping in a thunderstorm not worried about being shaken
by the thunder, or eating so much
I throw up. It might still
be raining, but I'm still choosing you.

I'm not one for small talk
because if we're being honest no one really cares
about how you're doing and are just asking to be polite.
But you knew that.
I'm not a fan of being the center of attention
even though I often have the desire to be held and feel wanted
because I'm constantly working on my self-confidence.
But you knew that.
I don't like the dark
because it envelopes me when I can't sleep
and I go over that night when he left and you remained the one person
I could count on.
But you know that.
Five years ago there weren't empty words
we both cared more about the other than ourselves,
we smiled so much our faces hurt.
Looking up at the stars knowing I never had to be alone in the darkness
that surrounded me.
You'll never know how much all that meant
to me; how you loved me unconditionally.
But I have a secret that was never shared. I regret
walking away. I never stopped loving you.
And now you know that too.

You wrapped your hands around my waist and pulled me in
to contour your body around the curves
of my hips and shoulders as we danced to the pop/rap song in that overly crowded
basement. The bass from those songs were mimicking the people dancing
as it bounced off the ceiling and walls around us. Music so loud
I was having trouble hearing myself think but didn't struggle at all
when it came to catching the little somethings you whispered in my ear as we moved in unison
to the seductive melodies
echoing around us.
The dancing began to fade as the stars lit up the ground we stumbled on
as we ran out the back door of that house when we saw those red and blue lights
flickering through that tiny window that was steamed up from all the


dancing around in my bedroom getting ready for another night out
like that one six months ago when our bodies moved more as one than two.
I hadn't heard from you since we parted ways at that old oak tree
in the center of town as we were trying to stay hidden from the flashing lights
down the street. Flicking off light as I walked out the front door a shadow appeared
under the dim light from the moon. It was
you standing there in the same flannel shirt you wore that night

the stars looked just like they did at that second. I didn't want
to remember that night when your hands danced across my body
as we moved in sync across the floor.
Our eyes met and a million words were shared but only one line was said.
I'm sorry I have not yet forgotten how to find you beautiful.
In that moment, I realized why tongues were caged behind teeth. Like criminals
being trapped in the back of that cop car the night we ran away,
tongues like all vicious creatures
need to be guarded.

I can force myself to stop thinking about what's happened but I can't
make myself to stop feeling the twisting and squeezing of everything in my tummy.
I won't be coming home to find you laying on the couch watching some stupid show
you already know all the words to
or get to joke around with you before bed as we taunt one another about
that big test we knew we were gonna fail so didn't bother to study for.
I won't get to see your smiling face cheering for me in the crowd
when I'm doing what I love
or slap the cheater that broke your heart
for the one that always went back on their word.
I won't get to see the look on your face when you hold your nieces and nephews
for the first time
or get to see you spoil that dog you loved more than anything.
I won't get to sneak those pictures onto your phone or stay up all night
talking with you
on the porch swing on the back deck that creaked every time it moved.
I don't understand why bad things happen to good people.
I never understood why the good people go too young.
Then tonight I realized that when you're walking in a garden
you always pick the prettiest flowers first.

You told me you were leaving because I wouldn't stop drinking.
So I stopped from the fear of losing you forever.
I gathered up the courage and went by your place to tell you
that I broke my bad habit.
Walking up those old, wooden stairs were we used to sit and talk for hours I
peered through the window
and saw your lips pressing against someone new.
The drive back home was lonely and the only thing I pressed to my lips
was the flask from the glove compartment I promised you wasn't mine.
I guess it's time to quit my bad habit.
You.

I’ve been watching you since that first hit
four and a half cigarettes ago. I haven’t taken my eyes off you since you moved
down two seats closer to me and ordered another drink.
Three drinks later my eyes still hadn’t moved away from that deep red-colored flannel.
I couldn’t taste what I was drinking any more. I would regret it in the morning
but I didn’t care. I would keep drinking as long as you were
there. You finished your eighth cigarette and slipped
out of that flannel to reveal a white V-neck that stretched over your strong arms
you’d probably deny you worked hard for. Another drink

was placed in front of me. Looking at the bartender
he pointed to you.
For the pretty lady that cost me more than half a pack of cigarettes and six drinks.
Raising his drink, we clanked glasses and I took another sip of what I swore tasted just like I imagined
Your lips would taste. I woke up
the next morning with a folded piece of paper
lying in the empty, wrinkled sheets beside me.
See you next Friday. It was then I realized
he'd forever be my favorite hangover.