I've been "strong" lately
no contact
for a painful amount of time
excruciating, wonderful memories make their returns every night
each moment alone I'm sick to my stomach
love's acids burning my tissues
strengthening my regrets
i need more than your presence in my unconscious world
stories that awaken me with hope and leave me disappointed
love me back
spend one night in my dreams and you'll fall in love again
at night the truth eats away at happiness
my confident school girl act doesn't cut it with the darkness
i clasp my sheets for stability
but hell knows my place when the sun goes down

When you're walking through my head all night
(See what I did there)
My body becomies paralized
Undead
I embraced your selfish kisses
& kept you from the ocean
White deamon, are you still holding onto me?
Our minds hold the same memories
Know the same lyrics
We get tangled equally like bread-ties
I'm still twisted
& we both know that isn't fair

You smiled when you saw me
I had to see you, kid
Broke in
I had to see you
Maybe you had to see me, too
That hug
Oh, that hug
Right before you pushed me off
& accepted my kiss
Then...
It's a blur
My smoker's cough awakened me

If you love something, set it free
Well, then I ******* hate you
I want to hold you close to me
Smell the musk you skin secretes
I got it backwords?
I thought you said forever
You're more familiar than the back of my hand
& I know when you'll turn

Let them stand tall for now
One day they're gonna fall
Count to 10
You'll feel alright
Move on, let's do our thing
**** them for not getting down to our music
They're not worth getting angry over
Let this spark keep us going
Let it happen
Time goes by whether we hate it or not
Let it happen
May the serpants hiss at our misguided ways
You thought you'd be happy by now
Well you're not
The cold reality is that **** doesn't change
But it will happen
Our vices control our nature
Spread the solitude
But anyways
***** homophobes & ******* patriots

This sulking *******
It's gotta go behind me
I can't dwell on freshman year loves
Don't give me your pity kids
Time to smile and rot your teeth
I'm so ******* sweet
I had to count to 6 months
Ahh, you men & your ****** hair
Stealing hearts

When I say I want things back to normal
I mean I want my safe haven to be in your arms
The left side of your bed I proudly claimed
My memories of you crowd my mind
But hearing your name aloud makes me sick
There's no arguing with you
This isn't ours anymore
Your decision was made
Lets face it, you weren't planning on including me in your future
Some things are out of your hands
I'll stay my distance
But the demons of your past won't be so kind
I thought by now I would be happy
What's keeping me going if you're not mine by the end of the day?
Not much
The cold reality drives my emotionless person on autopilot
I keep going
I don't love you any less than before
I don't hurt any less than when your decision was made
The blood still pulses at the same pulse
How does such a dull, deceased, hopeless situation mature and change?
Does the dead ever grow?

But you're totally worth it
You're worth life
You're living for a reason
Maybe you're not the funniest or the skinniest
But I know for sure that you're ******* awesome
So don't cut yourself
Don't **** yourself
I know how it feels
I've been in the hospitals
Don't surrender; don't give up
It gets easier
Thanks for being amazing
Please continue to bless this world with your presence

Before this boy came I didn't sing
Now I can't stop
I can't stop smiling over his flaws
Passion over consequence
They all say be careful
It won't last
Don't get attached
But baby that ship has sailed
The tug of his stubble has taken me further from the surface
Gasping for air in between kisses
It was the most pleasurable struggle
Keep me fighting
Make me a warrior

it's always on me
waiting for my neck to snap
my blood to poison
all the cells to die
the white lighter is always in my pocket
to light my fix
fuel my flame
am i worthy enough to be the next contestant on the 27 list?

Take me down to the moon
& trace your art in my skin
Cut too deep for it to bleed
Indent your individual masterpiece into my soul
Cole, so beautiful
I can only view your angel carved figure from afar
I pray to bukowski for the slightest brush of your natural tan
I'm a mess
But you're gorgeous
Give me a chance

You shot the cancer into me
The depression took over my body
Like the cold took over your heart
They made you like this
Your Messiahs
Singing with you
In your choir of angst
Will she die for you like I did?
Take your orders
Yell at me, Maynard!
Become your fate!
Become 27!
Your 10,000 days mean nothing to you
Wasting them away without me

So out of the ordinary this was
Such a demonic move from me this was
I stole her trust along with him
He whispered mischief and sins to me in the dark
Plucked my heart strings like his guitar
He stole me with the talk of our future
Rolling down grass hills & being stoners
Being in a band & getting interviewed
How fun & ****** up our relationship was
I watched him fall in love with her
While he fell in love with me
We all loved each other
Each individuals' displeasing reason
I demolished boundaries
& take what isn't mine

It's so messed up
I just want to be her
I want to be the girl in your arms
The one in your heart
I'm only in your distant memories
Your subconscious
The photographs in your trash can
I'm the ashes
Useless
She's your new source of nicotine
You crave her
I'm only missed for the high I gave you
The high she can't supply
I'm the ashes of your brand
It's all burnt up
But you'll sing about it
& you'll get angry about it
Just dump me with the photographs

Go to Hell
& please take her with you
Keep being so angry
I'm over here laughing
Singing
Like I never have with you
You stole my shine
Drowned my noises with your wisdom
You think you're so wise
Yet you're in the position you're in
It's disgusting
How I was so in love with you
How I still dream of our love every night
I miss the way you used to control me
Pleasure each other
Your hair is huge
I hope it burns along with you two

She's the only one who makes me feel beautiful
I'm so proud to show her off to the world
I even love Christian when she is with me
Fire sets her free
I don't even need my Prozac
Mary Jane

I don't deserve Christian
He loves everything about me
He's going to college
He has a job
Christian loves me
I'm still dripping dry
noraA has completely left me
Yet he still lingers on my skin
Why isn't Johnny Football good enough for me?
I'll always want Mr. Rock & Roll
You know they'll fall for you so fast
Mr. Backstage Pass
Just remember me
I made the finishing touches

Damaged beyond repair
I will never love again
Drag in another teenage innocent with your Cobain/Keenan angst
I'll take two drags for every one I took with you
You can't feel me
But I can feel you
My anchor, keeping me close
How can I fall in love with Johnny Football if James is the one I'm longing for?
You've made this bed, & I can't fall asleep in it
Now I am left alone, no instruction book
James was always there to tell me what to do
What to hate
How to worship
How to ****
& comb your hair
James & Johnny Football are very different
I am Christ
James is praying to Maynard for the second
Return to me, James!
I want you
She doesn't
But now you're breathing
& I'm drowning

What do I want?
I'm still mourning over my loss
You're never coming back
Do I stay in my state of comfort?
Not venturing outside of my depressing globe
Or do I see to brake the barriers?
Even your silence leaves me breathless
I should have never thought of you
I know, & I knew, that it was never you
I know in my heart it's not you
So why can't I make up my mind?
Why haven't I cleansed my clothes of your scent?
I give up!
I surrender into the silence, gorgeous!
I'm tired of making love to your memory!
I'm escaping this stratosphere
& I will find you

I am everywhere.

i have been craving him
my rain cloud
for so long
that i have almost forgotten about the sun
my sunshine
she is so beautiful
so kind
the perfect person
the purest heart
never a bad intention has ever been held by my sunshine
i've put myself so deep into his frigid precipitation
that i had forgotten her warm rays
i want my skin to darker from her aurora
i'm ready for the light
i'm ready to be happy again

Maybe you're the reason mommy described me as her other "****** up kid"
Desperate for one boy's attention
Because I was never worthy enough for yours
In and out of my life
Like the cylinder dollar bill was in and out of your nostril
Late night phone calls
"Do you love me, kiddo?"
A hell of a lot more than you've ever loved me
"Tell me you love me!"
You scream as if you were trying to intensify the high
I will never be a pain killer
And that will never be good enough for you

Can you classify my recent week as a binge week?
The burn makes its frequent returns down my throat
Holiday savings all thrown into the bottle
"Go to sleep, Lauren"
Sleep, where he returns
Where he kisses me ever so softly, and lays my back on his bed
Blacking out is more comforting
No dreams
No memories
Only the morning regret

That's the word my mother used
When she found me passed out of the floor
Pill bottle next to my drooling face
Budweiser at hand
As if it could have been my gun
I woke up in my Sunday's best in my yellow coated sheets
I had always preferred beds without sheets
She used the word again, now that I was conscious
302
"I thought you two were still friends"
Like he would ever want me
I am the liar
noraA is the thief
5'1 isn't tall enough to hang a noose
I see no reasons to stay
But they're making me
So, goodbye Hello Poetry
Greetings, all white walls
Wish me luck.

It came out positive
I can't breathe
I wish I could faint
But my body stays conscious
Was it worth it, Luca?
His eyes on your body for those twenty minutes
His lips on your neck
His breath on your ear
I don't look different
I don't feel the life growing inside of me
Do I destroy the object of our bond?
This isn't an object...
This is a person
This is a baby
This is my baby

know that when you leave
i will be lifeless
for now you make your frequent returns
the lust is mutual
it keeps you close to me
so i allow being used
the sly smile you give me when you want something
something only i in the moment can give
i have never rejected
anything for you to stay
even for the interim amount of time
the action that was once acted out to show the greatest arount of love is now the dirtiest secret
your focus on me for the brief amount of time is worth the weeks of tears
your concentration is my most prized possession
please for once give into my needs...

Could you ever love me like I love you?
Something as simple as your name being said gave me pleasurable shivers up and down my spine
Your warm breathe on my neck...
I can feel it now
Your arms enclosing me in the warmth of your love
Mmmm...
But it's all gone now
You'll never return
I'm hungry for your kiss
Your touch
My tear stained cheeks are camouflaged by cheap cover up
My sorrows are lifted by THC
It's a dangerous thing for me to be left alone with my thoughts
I am at night
The makeup and the marijuana fade
True sorrows come back to haunt me
You're gone...
And you're not coming back...

I could try to forget you
My most beautiful, reminding muse
My reality check, my way of reason
The one who have revealed the disgusting truth to me
My baby, my first, my supreme
My protector
You made sure everything was perfect that night
Save me from regret
With the movement of your hips
Your lips creating cursive poems
Touch her or don't
Just let her know where you've been
Most perfect, darling H

you're suffocated with me
but i can't breathe without you

I'm like you
My subconscious was always aware
How could forever start at such a young age?
But I had still hoped
We ignored the warning signs of hurt
Screaming, crying, pushing, shoving
It was all normal, right?
Your harsh words always stung my skin
My unfaithful actions always made you cry
But we kept moving like nothing had happened
No Blood No Foul
Long nights on a bare mattress
The same routine
Movie
Kiss
****
Sleep
This is what we called love
Will you still meet me at the tire swing?

Broken Muse
I've squeezed every bit of inspiration out of you that I could
Useless
An old lover
A faded Intense memory
My contradiction
This whole situation
Endless hours on your mother's couch
Lets not think about that though
There's no chance of changing your bipolar mind

if every word i said could make you laugh i'd talk forever
the stereotypical lines don't work on your brilliance
your cold
my intellectual rain cloud
bringing me my favorite weather
not without the wet socks of course
it all hurts
the constant sunshine
my pale skin only wants your cumulonimbus touch
tracing my skin
your gentle raindrops
bring me to seattle
our future with no barriers
i rub my own back
replaying the memories in my head
my favorites
your regrets
i try to calm myself down
but only your shush will suppress the tears
only your sheetless bed will defeat the cold
only your presence will crowd the loneliness
i surrender
will i ever hit the bottom of this sad abyss?
can you pull me out?
i know you can
there i go again
answering my own questions
i'm not fixing anything
i'll just keep waiting
i'll just keep failing