Something inside me
has no voice
it claws, scratches, and screams
it fires up a rage inside of me
it is the screams
of my anger
and turmoil
fighting
the abuse
the power
I itch for
but can not
reach
the *******
frustrating feeling
I can not put
into ******* words

you are a shadow i hold onto
you are the skin i never felt
you are the smiles i'm dire to make
the face i want to caress

you are the life to my nothingness
you are the air to my lungs
and even though i'm never ageless,
with you i'm forever young

you are the parent to my inner child
you are everything i dream
i write countless poems about you,
but what do they even mean?

you are the fire inside me
that roars with a burning rage
you are the countless tears i cry
when i hope something will change

you are a ghost that i fantasize
you are a spirit unkept
all the nights i wish i would've died
weeping softly as i slept

you are the shame i always feel,
the barriers blocking my path
and although life moves on,
i still live in the past

you are the constant reminder
that nothing will ever last
and i am so slow to heal
although time moves so fast

you are everything i seek
and i'm feeling so lost
but every corner i turn to peek
there's always a hidden cost

you are the killer at night
althought i can't be killed
because i already died
and here i am dying, still.

you are the owner of this corspe,
this body you abused
and although you destroyed my whole life,
i'm nothing but your muse.

you are the words that fall out my breath
the words i meaninglessly write
because through my fantasy and regret,
i try to make it all right

you are the suicidal tendency
that will always, always encompass me
you are the massive hole in my heart
that will always keep me company

and i can't get in my head
that you never loved me
what else do i have?
who else am i?

other than a disaster,
a pain you left behind
i feel happiness and pain,
i think they are one in the same,

because without you to blame,
i'm nothing

i'm happy
but i still suffer

one brick by another
blowing my house down

wish i had you around
you could eat my heart for supper

then you go steal another
it can't be just me

but i'm the only
one who lashed out

i can't ask now
what i ever mean to you

i wish i
wasn't here

want to
disappear

since i'm just
nothing to you

something, but i don't know what
someone you just want to use

something that will never last
someone you'll always lose

something that was in the past
someone you'll never choose.

and you're a big part of me
but i'm a small part of you

i'm trying to lead my life
with voices in my head

and they stirr me up at night,
but i still go to bed

wake up, and it's just more work
nothing else to do

putting down what matters
and everything to lose

gotta make that call,
and do that work

i didn't ask to live,
all it does is hurt

and in sixty years,
i'll end up in dirt

i feel so gaslighted
is this what i deserve?

god tells me so
my head screaming no

so i left him behind
cause i couldnt let it go

no ones hand to hold
secrets i never told

cause no one listens
so no one knows

i'm nothing
i'll be nothing now
i'll be nothing forever

i'm nothing
i'll be nothing now
i'll be nothing forever

i wonder out
and i care less
don't think i'll say
i'm still obsessed
i'm still so lost
i'm still upset
lost in decisions
and in regret

you make me feel this
forever feeling
like i'm standing
on a ceiling
and i'm upside down
and inside out
and i don't know
your whereabouts

yeah, i walk along empty
along sweet dreams
and echoing sobs
next to river streams
of tears cried hard
in tarot cards

i'm looking at a parable
i'm looking at a bible
i'm staring into a book
i'm feeling gray
on a sunny day
and it's so cold anyway

no i dont make sense
and i know

i search for you
wherever i go
and feel you
and your tracks
and hope to
turn around
to see you
staring at me

to catch this forever feeling

always..
some embarrassing,
humiliating,
emotion
overwhelming me.

seeing
myself
in
someone
elses eyes
always
some wall
i am falling,
breaking into
some
boundary,
i am
pushing past.
some
pain
i am
withstanding
like being
in labor,
in childbirth,
birthing
out
my ego
over
and over
again
fighting
just
to be
at the top
to be amazing
to be
the best
the shame—
oh the shame,
so exhilarating.
the fact
that i
am a small,
cute,
sheltered,
nerd
a bomb
wanting to explode
to be
herself
that was
taken
away
so long ago
wanting to be me,
to say my name,
to voice
my opinions
i am
extremely
precautious
prepared
awkward,
weird,
sheltered.
anxi­ous
always
over analyzing,
overthinking,
over..
over everything!
but the beautiful thing
is that
i am me.
and i am
so finally willing
to feel
all of that
arousing shame
to be myself.

something
that i never
though
would feel
so good
in my entire life.

When I get married, I will finally, say, "I waited so long for you, and it was so painful, and I was so alone. I waited 14 years for you. Because I stopped having hope. And I stopped believing. Always being tricked, and heartbroken, I waited so long for you to love me, and live life with a dream come true."

"I waited so long for you, and it wasn't even worth it."

Because all of my pain outweighs all of my love.

I cried, and cried, and cried.

And at this point,
not knowing what to do,
I just begged God to **** me.