I looked through all 182 pages of my life
but i couldn't find what i was looking for
All the pages that were about things I loved
That boy I loved
are now just sad memories of the past
and that one year when all my friends left
You were there
and helped me get through
but now I'm losing you
just like the rest of them
I tried to explain that one sick relationship
(if you could call it that)
and all I came up with was
I was stupid
however
I continue to make the same mistakes
maybe I am stupid
I saw the pages about that retreat I went on
Remember when I changed peoples lives?
Now that all means nothing
Now I'm just right where i started
Alone and sad
Awake in bed at night thinking
Where is that thing I am searching for?

She was naive
For she saw hope in everyone
She wanted to believe there was good
Somewhere
Anywhere

She tried
And tried
And tried

She learned from her mistakes
And tried to not make them again

But one by one
Everyone proved her wrong
Showed her that her hopes were false
That everyone had a bad side
But not always a good side

She cried every night hoping for the good
And slowly that hope faded
Until it was completely gone

She began to believe there was hope in no one
There was only evil in the world
She couldn't trust anyone

And they all proved her right.

When I first heard about the concept of love
All I was taught
Was overwhelming
heart-pumping
lips quivering
speech stuttering
palms sweating
mind boggling
Love.

No one bothered to say a word about
Lust.
about how attraction
did not always mean
Love.

I started throwing away good things because
I was underwhelmed
My heart was keeping a pretty steady pace
My lips were plastered in a smile
My speech was as smooth as the sea
My palms were closer to the Sahara than the Mediterranean
And my mind,
well, my mind was wondering what do I do next?

My mind was categorizing this man as
a friend.
Because for some reason
I am not allowed to have control of myself
while I am talking to a male I am attracted to
For some reason
he has to make me feel a certain type of way
in order to be someone I love.
For some reason
this was the only way to know
who I was in love with.

The truth is,
that man ,
the one who clearly wasn't my soul mate,
is now my best friend
the love of my life.

The girl who never goes out,
We coin as no fun.
However she comes from a family
Where money was tight
And stresses were high.
She just wishes for a better life.

The boy who dresses well,
We coin as gay.
However he really just enjoys fashion
And loves people
No matter the ***.
He hopes for the world to be
More accepting than his broken father.

The guy who is quiet,
We coin as antisocial.
As if he didn't have enough trouble already
Forcing himself into his own introvert.
All he asks for is for kids to be
informed.

But most of all,
The girl who is always smiling,
We coin as happy.
When in reality the only happy thing about her
is her smile.
She keeps it together for the likes of others
And prays for a better tomorrow.

Forever alone.
That's all that I will be.

Sometimes I wonder why people don't read into social clues.
Maybe it's because they don't feel close enough.
But maybe they just don't want to hear.

It's sad when all you ever wanted slips through your hands.
But it's depressing when it's taken from you.
Ripped right out from under you.
Leaving you in the puddles of your tears.

I am no longer worthy of my dreams.
But perhaps that just happens to us all.
Forever alone.
That's all that I will be.

There is no reason
I should be scared to walk
alone
at night

There is no reason
I should feel bad
for saying no
and sticking up for myself

There is no reason
I should feel the need
to alter my body

There is no reason
I should have to be careful
of where I put my drink
or how I dress for a night out

You said see you later
but all I heard was goodbye
I let myself cry every night
I was scared to leave for school
Fear of crying in front of someone you've just met

Everyone was rooting for us
and you let me leave
You let me let go
You let me move on

I tried to find someone to replace you
a new best friend
a new lover

I wound up with fake smiles
unknown names
a pregnancy scare

I was fake
I wasn't real
I was used

I was the girl i used to be
I was the worst version of me

I can't let you back in
because you don't want this version of me
You don't want fake
You don't want unreal
You don't want used

You want me back now
but you don't know me like this
You wouldn't want this

So now I have to say goodbye
because I care about you enough to know you deserve more than this
because I love you
if only you wouldn't have said see you later
this wouldn't be *goodbye

I'm drowning and all I can do is reach up in the air
hoping someone will save me
I walk down the street
mustering up some sort of courage
to let everything out

but as soon as I cross the boarder
between the brisk wind
and the blanket of warmth
my courage disappears

I try to look for anyone who will listen
anyone who will make me talk
anyone who will care about me

I mistake kisses for promises
because in some universe
that kiss meant you would save me

I think late nights
are signs of friendship and hope
because in that moment
I could cry
I could tell you everything
but you would never ask
and if you did i wouldn't admit it

so now i sit alone
hurting deeply inside
after all, it was just a kiss

Don't come up behind me
and expect me to be yours.
Don't hold my waist
so our hips move as one.
Don't push my hair behind my ear.
Give me a reason to kiss you.

Don't whisper in my ear
Come to my room
Don't slyly put your hands
in places they shouldn't be.
Don't manipulate my drink
to get me the way you want me.
Give me a reason to want you.

Don't ask me out on dates
while seeing another girl.
Don't pay for my dinner
if your heart isn't sincere.
Don't say nice things
you will never mean.
Give me a reason to love you.

Don't tell me about forever
when your mind is stuck on one night.
Don't make any promises
if you can't hold them right.
Don't tell me things are perfect
when that's far from the truth.
Give me a reason to say *I do

Left in the silence
With so many things to say
I tried to burrow my face into the usual warmth of your chest

No matter how many times you sparked that lighter
It wouldn’t change the ways of the past
Or the thoughts of the future

We were walking back
You
Always a few steps in front of
Me

I stopped to fix my shoe
You didn’t even look back
The cuts on my feet would have to wait for a happier time.

I looked to the sky
Trying to grasp onto the memories of you
But the stars were jaded
Like the remnants of your burns

I told you to stop
But God knows you wouldn’t listen
I laid in my bed, tears escaping to my pillow
Night
after night
after night

I didn’t tell you that
I didn’t want me to become one of your problems
I wasn’t something that could be fixed
I guess you weren’t either

We were a pair of broken glasses
Attempting to see a clouded future
Together

There are some things better kept unsaid.

The extra drink you snuck to help you fall asleep
All of the happiness in the world
Wouldn't help you forget
But that one drink,
Perhaps with just a little more liquid anesthetic
Than you would see in a bar
That drink will numb you
Just long enough to allow your eyes to close
Hopefully without the tears

This time.

That one time we were kissing
And the cross around my neck
Started to interfere.
I should have known.

But instead I let you tell me to take it off
And I complied.
And that cross wasn't the only thing I took off.

My problem is
I fall when there is no one to catch me
I turn nothing
Into something
To feel like someone cares

But with you it is different
I went into it
Holding onto the railing for dear life
Not allowing myself to fall

And it worked.

Almost.

Until the night
We danced with each other
both of us just as uncoordinated as the other
We sang to each other
but thank God the stereo was too loud to actually hear my voice
We laid next to each other
smiling without words
And I slept in your arms
actually being comfortable enough to sleep
and not wanting to leave in the morning

I've started to think about life
and what my life could look like with you

I'm starting to think
that might be where I want to be
next to you
smiling
forever.

I have been trying
on my own
for far too long.

I try to seek help
but wind up as the ocean.
No matter how many times I try to open up,
my waves will never touch the grassy dunes.

But then again,
those dunes are stuck in their ways
never trying for one moment to let
one
little
drop of my wave
touch them.

So I will remain my own ocean
looking on those dunes
finding nothing but
flimsy grasses
and sandy mountains.

I don't know how I can love that
the fighting
the drinking
the smoking

I don't know what to do about it
I know you need me
but I need me too

but you're the only one who has loved me right
you're the only one who has showed me true love
you're the only one who has cared enough to not let me go

sometimes I think
I just want to be loved by you
forever

And then I remember
that you will never change
and I won't either

so maybe we were never meant to be.

I am part of a fighting generation
and i don't believe that
I am among people who will help me
I understand that
we all struggle sometimes
but my friends let me know
I mean nothing to them
instead of saying
they appreciate me as a person
when i struggle
even my family tells me
to **** it up
no one says
it's okay to be weak
I know that
we have lost any love we used to have
and i'm dumb to think
I will find someone who will always get me through
my problems.
To get help with
the social scene
I will dismiss
my distressed friend
to spend time with
the kids who party
I will ignore
the boy that asks me how my day was
to fall in love with
the boy who cheats on his girlfriend
I will scream at
my parents
and I will love
nothing
i will undoubtably hate
myself
and i will treasure
material things
I won't need
love
All I will know is
change
I know that nothing will
reverse this
Unless I choose to

Why are you in the middle of this?

Why?
Why?
WHY?

you remember the day
make that days
the days i came home crying
the mean girl at school
the teacher I couldn't catch a break with
the friend that turned her back
the boy that broke my heart
the brother that put me down

every single one of those days
I wished
I prayed
for someone
anyone
to help me
to be on my side
to stick up for me just this once

and my friend gets hurt
almost in tears
and you expect me to sit around?
to not say anything

they teach you that not standing out
thats bullying too
but what they really mean is
only stand out if you can't get hurt either
only stick up for someone
if you are safe

what kind of standing out is that?
its the kind that leads you right back to where you started
the kind that wishes for help
and never gets it

You forced yourself on me
That is a fact
You knew I didn't want it
That is a fact
Despite my weak arms attempting
With all their power
To push you off of me
You kept trying
And that is a fact

You said it was okay
This is a fact
But my question is:
Okay for who?
Despite our previous discussions
You continued to pin me down
And didn't stop
Until someone else found us
And tore you off of me.
These are all facts.

But when it comes down to it
My friends think we just hooked up
They believe it was enjoyable for me
Because there were only three people in that room that night
Only three people who know
The facts.

There are a lot of things to do when sad:
watch movies
stay in bed all day
write

but the one that always makes me think
is the music I choose to listen to
the music without words
without lyrics to convey emotion

you can listen to it for hours
it might not change your mood
but you can do it
without faking a smile
or bursting into tears

we fall into this trap of just feeling okay
and thinking thats enough
"at least I'm not crying"
well you aren't smiling either
or enjoying life

but no one has found a cure
no passage out
so on I will continue
feeling quite mediocre

Just because I can't write a poem about you,
Does that mean I don't l