it's understandable
that I have none of
my own memories,
they are all shared,
but I will make new
ones, I will make
new ones.

if it is true that some
get worse before they
get better, then I hope
God finds you in
between and
offers you
grace just
to see.

help me stay strong
and carry on, close
the door behind me.

a while back you
sent me a song by
The Avett Brothers
and oh, Chris, how
I tried to take you
in. I tried to take
you in. I tried to
take you in.

once you wrote me a letter on your
typewriter with a quote from the little
prince (which took me only an hour
to read)

because it is she that I have listened
to when she grumbled, or boasted or
even sometimes when she said nothing.
she is my rose.

perhaps then, I was thankful for all the
times when I was angry, naive or
mean in which you only smiled and
tried to hold me. Maybe we really
did love each other.

I am painfully grateful, if that is
even possible.

so
what
now
god?

i should not regret
sharing such special
parts of me, with someone
so i won't. But I admit to
feeling as if they were
rejected in the worst
way. And of all the
things said to them
I love you, was the
straw that broke the
camel's back.

I told him
my chest burns
because I was around
Brittany who smokes a lot
my chest burns and I can't
breathe, *I told him that
but then I wondered, is
that what it felt like?
is that what they like?
to feel as if they're
dieing?

it makes it harder to forgive
when the person apologizing
isn't sincere.

you burn bridges but
how do you build the
ones out on your own?
I am not going to be
here forever am I?

He says they're weaknesses
the reasons, I mean. The reasons
why he couldn't say anything, when
they called me a *****. When they called
me crazy and awful. I desperately try to
process those weaknesses, because there
have definitely been times where I could
not say anything either. Yes, I was
silent in the presence of my adversaries.
And he watched me take the blows
he lent an open ear to their
curses and listened
without a word. Without a word
he took none for the team and walked
from the field. So I rattle the fence and blow
from the sidelines, I tell him
You really don't know this kind of loneliness
do you? Because it's been this way since I was
little, since before lunch tables, since before nap
time. I say,
You really don't know this kind of loneliness
but I'm beginning to wonder if no one does
because everyone has their own.

truly, i am tired
of telling people
*you don't understand

i have seen people lose
their innocence, I have
seen them tie their feet
with vine and swallow
rocks with smiles on
their faces.

the parts in me
they click and
surge, tick like
clocks and twist
like giant stone
cogs

So,
yes, I have waited
for you for so long.
But I will continue
to love you fiercely
just as I did before
i knew your face.

Those things used to
set me apart, now to
set me alone. I know
it's worth it to be safe
but God, I'd really love
some company.

it will not last
forever, but I
am hopeful.

he's only done
it a few times
where he holds
me in his arms,
tight like my
mother's womb
must of been.
how would he
know? But he
just does.

he just does.

my father smells
like radishes and
moist soil after a
good rain, a hint
of dewy tulip, or
maybe rose.

in the past
i've thought
I was doing
people favors.
as it turns out
I was giving
them open
access to
scald
me.

stand fast, sink not
never of your own
strength, never by
your own legs,
always on His
shoulders.

when i was seventeen
after you kissed me you
asked if I wanted ramen.
In those days you were
always cooking for me
and it makes me wonder
if I am no longer young
anymore. I desperately
wish to relive that at
least once.

at least once.

There's still so
much I have
to talk about

everyone hates you if
you're competition, but
I'm not competing any
more, am I?

and when i looked
at you, we were older
so much different than
the first time beneath
the salmon spotlight.

i pulled away and
you sighed as if my
lips were only poetry.

it is awful
to see the
hatred in
myself.

a place in the garden
early morning gardenias
lemon tea on the dewy
grass, I found quick
glimpses of heaven
in my childhood.

I remember when you
told us your dad abused
you and would lash your
bare skin on the ground
till you bled bones and
hair but he's your hero
now, I wonder if you
remember the lies
that you told, you
are so caught up
in yourself, I
can't stand it.
But they say
the things we
hate in our-
selves we
hate in
others

A pound per grudge
45% lean body mass.

I remember you dipped out
before I got on the wheel of
fire, shaking your head, and
I stood in line by myself. Oh,
but you'll do anything for your
sister won't you? I hate you for
this. I hate you for that.

You are too late for everything.

she says she want to do something
radical
to her body, but i no longer have an
urge to save these people anymore
because in what way have my words
ever made a difference, these people I
have loved just nod their head and
gratefully accept evils of all form
with open arms.

On this side
I mouth words
through steel
hexagons and
hope someone
hears, because
I really am the
parts of a society
that people have
come to hate in
a backwards
country.

I had a dream
I was still trying
to outrun you,

what was that?
5th grade? I could
hear you behind

me, a thick breath
that got closer so
I ran faster, no

no, I cannot lose to
you again, I can't
be ugly, I can't

be alone on the playground
anymore, I can't be alone on
the swing-set, I can't go home
until this is done. No, Sierra, I
can't be the outcast again. I

can't beat you
can i? I just have

let go.

Take your knives and
graters, peel my onion
layers, get me pure
down to my core.

I once had an affinity
for apple butter and
slices of roast beef.
Everything in the
world has always
mattered to me,
so yeah, I have
been stressed
since birth.

i wish i could love him
the way that I used to
I'm a yawn away but
the bridge is too high
on walls too long, I
cannot love you the
way i used to. But
at the same time
I cry out in despair
don't leave me, I'm
not ready for that.

were you to walk into
my life, you might smell
chai tea and sweet berry
lotion, I hope that would
be enough to comfort

you

should it bother me
that I care for you
more than your
family? those
who say, oh
yes, we
raised
you


right?

I'm sure if
i met you i
would only
want to hold
you and tell
you it would
be alright.

I don't want to know what you're doing

(everyone else does)
(and they like you for it too)

(in the silence
he is doing the
worst of things)

(I'm afraid that
one day he will
say, I'm so sorry
so sorry, I did
what I said I
would not)

(but my fear is
unwarranted,
that would mean
that I wanted to
believe--that I
trusted in what
I should not)


so in the end
it's still my

fault.

I'm in the wilderness
beneath the trees,call
me out, come find me
come find me, I'm in

the desert underneath
the sun, hear me out,
hear me out, come
find me, if I'm only a

sheep in the pasture,
in the dark, do not
leave me, do not

leave me.

oh
won't
you
find
me

Oh what wonderful
fruits they must have
in heaven*, my father
murmured quietly to
himself.

who am i to tell
people where they
should find happiness
because it's never where
I do.