I want you to make me feel naked everywhere

saying things that make necks hot, face hot

don't have to be so ******, don't have to touch

Want to? Do so, though, don't be so mechanical

swim on, flow on, spill on, no pushing

the things said should tear open, pop seams

wonder what's inside,  beating

running, ebbing, draining, no inspecting, no prodding

a thorough investigation with  eyes, words

make the most difference, words dig the farthest

fill the fastest, reach to ends that previously had

no end

the end

You asked me what
to paint and I said
your soul. You
drew a long
black vine
with a
lotus
at the
end

I
spend too long
pulling at my skin
in the mirror silently
abhorring my body with-
out which I couldn't exist, and I
wish I could see the beauty in the
way my joints fold and unfold but
all I see is the line across my stomach
and a decade of hiding at the swimming
pool.

in dreams people end up in
places, shrink down to sizes
aren't faces but bodies, aren't
lips, just statues, no legs, thick
torsos, you settle for old faces
call them out from behind doorways
make love to them in hallways
but they disintegrate beneath
your hands and you spend
the time waking up trying
to fall back, the lights
go off in your dream and the
people there fall asleep, you
probably saw satan once
and said he didn't belong
there, your prayers weren't
audible but drowned out his
voice, you said no, you aren't
allowed to be there, this is sullied
ground, this is hallowed ground
this is

sacred ground

There was a tube
of chapstick in the
lapel of his jacket
and i wondered
silently if it
might be
the same
as a kiss.

I always made it my
business to touch the
parts of you even you
neglected, the webbing
between your fingers,
your eyebrows. I was
fascinated by your
eyelashes, I always
wanted to show you
I would not hurt
your eyes.

I'm not sure time
heals everything,
but eventually after
we have thought about
it so  much, it becomes
routine and routines
are easier and easier
the more that you
do
them.

I cry out:

I cannot do this
without you, ******.

my own strength
is not sufficient.

You bought me a picture
of the eiffel tower at value
village, It's been in the kitchen
so long I forgot it was from you
I cleaned the surface half-aware
that I was disturbing your old
fingerprints.

I had a dream that my thoughts were
sifted out of my head into a bowl, they
were grains, a million dahlia beads that
surfaced on a cerise reef, split from top to
bottom, I didn't mind so much, to be
honest

I walked out
along the river
today and thought
about the time I tried
to make you wear red
gloves with a the christmas
deer on them, I should have
never tried to make you wear
the red gloves with the christmas
deer.

but I am a different
kind of adventurous.
even if I only dance with
others, or hit whistle notes
with Brett, even if Joe's the
only one I'd kiss without
a single regret

I love long car rides, I'll
take your shift, I'll let
you sleep an extra two hours
I love the smell of sunscreen
and graham crackers and how I've been
sitting in these shorts for too
long that there has to be
a sweat stain.

I don't know, have you ever had
cheetos at a rest-stop before Modesto?
We'd make it to Santa Cruz on time.
I may not climb the Himalaya's with
you, or go to Paraguay because I'm
afraid of chronic diarrhea, but I am
so much more than my fears.


Have you ever had cheetos at a rest-stop before Modesto?

on the county road
123, horizontal to my
window pane, it runs
along the dry grass
and some teenage
boy rolls down it
his bass a hushed
thump in the night
he's the bump in the
night, and his taillights
leave red streaks in the
black.

it makes me want to cry
that a #10 is different in
Colorado in comparison
to Seattle.

That one night when you
scolded me for being afraid
of tap water, I pounded on
your chest and cried into
your shoulder, but you
knew why I was mad
as if we had both
waited too long
to open up
and it was
too
late.

ah, but
light skitters
in her wake as
if her feet were
matches

i wish i could care
about a video game
as much you do

i wish i could see it
like I see ghibli films
that make me cry

but

I don't know i wish
you cared more about
other things

because

that was a phase to me
but nothing is a phase to you
you need to love it and show it
and put it on your wrist so
everybody knows it

waiting to be
beautiful like
a dry town
waits for
rain.

I'm still trying to
be supportive over
the strangest things
as if I am indebted
to you for the way
i acted, still think
it's my duty to
unconditionally
love you and
defend your
place to be
yourself but
it's not. It's
not, It's not.

this heart is
entirely too
fickle for this
body.

my father smells
like radishes and
moist soil after a
good rain, a hint
of dewy tulip, or
maybe rose.

I remember you dipped out
before I got on the wheel of
fire, shaking your head, and
I stood in line by myself. Oh,
but you'll do anything for your
sister won't you? I hate you for
this. I hate you for that.

You are too late for everything.

let's be honest
sometimes I turn
towards the wall at
night and close my
eyes, I can see your
hairline, a fracture
of scoliosis in your
curved spine, I can
almost trace
the bumps of
your vertebrae
through that
thin cotton
sweater

let's be honest

you start to turn over
before I lose you in the
geometric dark, sometimes
our eyes play tricks on us and
we see colors, well, sometimes
mine play jokes and I see you.

they say you should
fear flowers for they
grow in adversity,
adapt, and face
the sun, and
when we
were little
we ****** on
the stems of gardenias
like honeybees with our
nimble, sticky fingers. And
today I learned to ride a bike
with no hands and a sweat
plastered shirt clinging to
my spine, so, instead,

shouldn't you be afraid of me?

did you know there
is something worse
than heartbreak?

it's almost nine
and for a moment
I was at Ye Olde
Curiosity Shop down
by the bay, buying
grape pop rocks,
and you kept
asking for kisses
just to feel the spark
but your eyes said so
much more.

Smile when you
cry so that a part
of you may be
happy when
all others are
sad.

we sighed only memories
for this state on the way
home because we are
both scared of what
lies ahead, but I
promise you
will fall in
love chris
I promise
you will
fall in
love

again.

This fog is all cranberries
pine is all frosted, he is so
far acclimated to flirtatious
language, my footprints are
stepping stones and all he
has to do is follow, so how
do I stop the cycle how do
shed

skin?

back when I still touched you
your ankles were always caked
with dirt, you told me that
no matter how much you scrub,
you're not gonna get it off and
you'd watch me intensely as I
took your heels in my lap and
washed your feet over and over

I drew you on
the back of my
work schedule
and left it on
the counter
when I
clocked
out.

she brushes her lips
with wet fingertips
and says

I'm so afraid of the
words stopping, of
not being able to say
the things tattooed
on my heart. Where
will they go?

she shakes

where will they go?