Transient. Just passing through.
Flit from here to            there.
A split second shade you catch
in your periphery.
The kind that has you shaking
your head.
Don't worry, I'm see-through,
I can't affect you.
Go back to your tv show or book or whatever.
I'll contort, distort, crinkle up into radio static
so you can hear me faintly
between commercials...

A day to celebrate myself feels strange,
a quiet resistance to believing that this year
isn't cigarette nights and one last drink,
isn't getting so faded it disappears.
Attention on me, I didn't do anything,
only stayed alive for twenty three years, so what?
Somehow a girl thinks I'm charming,
I'm in peewee and she's hitting in the major leagues.
A day to celebrate myself,
but I'm no longer burnt out, silent, drowning Dan,
I'm someone else.

last night i felt like i was reaching into your body for the end of the string that attached my body to yours
and it just wasn't there
but you said it was there
and i believed it was there
but why couldn't i find it with my fingers
why couldn't my palm grasp it
feeling around inside, peeking in and i'm looking around and I still don't see it but I tell myself I know it's there
and I know it has to be there because it's a string from my body that runs into you, where else could it be
and that's good enough so we go to bed without ever finding it
and in the morning I still feel detached but ignore the feeling until I can't anymore
and when you walked away
it felt like you snipped the string attaching us
and we couldn't find it because you had hardly wanted it there anyway
and when you ignored me
it felt like you knew all along that the end of my string attaching my body to yours
was already gone

I <3 makeup. I like playing around w. pinks and reds and browns. Matte lipstick and lip stains etc etc. Which is funny cause I didn't start wearing makeup until I was 20, just about a year ago. I hated the idea of it. But now I realize that I hated the idea of it because of the mental state I was in. Wearing makeup shouldn't lessen your confidence in your natural appearance. For some reason, I was afraid that I'd become more comfortable seeing myself in makeup versa ****. But that's not the case at all. One of my favorite things to do at the end of my day is to remove my makeup off my face. Warm salt water and then a mixture of honey, egg whites, organic milk thickened in the fridge & then lathered on my face for an hour and then cleansed with cold salt water. It's heaven.
Idk. I've just been laughing at how my mind worked when I was younger. I was so terrified of learning more about myself. Almost like I didn't want to get to know who I was. Almost like I didn't care. I didn't want to form my own opinions and so I clutched onto others opinions. I didn't want to accept my definition of beauty and so I devoured others guidelines. And I didn't want responsibility and so I refused all forms of commitments. What a horrible way to live. For those of you who've been wondering where I've been lately. I've been reflecting, accepting and understanding myself because I've come to understand that's the only way I'll keep existing in this world.  
Idk. I've just been laughing at how my mind worked when I was younger. I was so terrified of learning more about myself. Almost like I didn't want to get to know who I was. Almost like I didn't care. I didn't want to form my own opinions and so I clutched onto others opinions. I didn't want to accept my definition of beauty and so I devoured others guidelines. And I didn't want responsibility and so I refused all forms of commitments. What a horrible way to live. For those of you who've been wondering where I've been lately. I've been reflecting, accepting and understanding myself because I've come to understand that's the only way I'll keep existing in this world.

Look at me:
I'm the captain
occupying borrowed space.
Thrown on fading campus,
grown through the cracks
of a forgotten place.