I once asked him what it was like--
when  making love made sense
when it left you in a glow and
not like it had me, in coils of
skin and apple scented oil
sobbing on a mattress in Chelan--

I can't help but ask as a precautionary measure,
I'm sure, the way people ask was it good for you too?
did it mean anything? were you making love or having ***?
he says that's what breakups are. Not talking, letting go.
forging a bridge and then leaving it to decay,
I'll just become bitter with that long sideways glance
I've stopped memorizing his face because it's been sad
for a month,
i asked myself
if i traded a friendship
for a kiss at a cabin and
i wonder if he feels the same
because he let me in before
the promise of my body
and the sight of me as
a friend is too much
to handle.

**** near lost
it all tryin' to be
perfect, upped
my tolerance for
whiskey and now
I just use it when
i'm trying to think
about anything but
you, but i'll be dancin'
with some guy named
Mike and all i can see
is your face reflected
in the windows of
an Antlers hotel
'cause i think that
was the last morning
we were okay.

but lookin' back on it,
i kinda ruined it with a
kiss, we started fighting
when I started fallin' thinking
we needed to be more
but then you said you
loved me and
it wasn't just
me
anymore.

either way--
if there's no use crying
over spilled milk i've
been crying for weeks and
that milk's done and gone
you're spittin venom
and i'm soaking it
up with a dish rag
hopin' it'll turn to
water.

I've always held the propensity for
unbridled curiosity, i'd have thought
that was obvious--
how many questions have I asked you
in such a short time?
and I saw the things she said about you
and broke into a dozen white-hot pieces
against your skin, probably sunk through
your spine and landed in the bed of your truck
burned a hole through the casing and smoldered
into the dirt--
I didn't quite understand the hurt, I guess,
but i imagined your name leaving her lips
like a scowl, so few syllables wrapped in
an unwarranted viciousness, there is still so much
i don't understand, so many things I want to ask but--

your name could never be so wrong
if only defamed by such a girl
and I realized I couldn't make
that better as soon as you
said I'd dug up the past
but matthew I just want
you to know that

you're too beautiful for these things
too good for these people,
i've seen your heart, you
can lie, you can lie, you can
lie, you could never speak to
me again but i'd still know
the truth--
tougher than the rest
come out swingin'
bare your teeth
hold your breath
you're still
softer than them.

it's hard sayin'
if those I love you's
were true, because
you try to do the
right thing for
yourself and
people
can't stand
it anymore
the wind picks
up and takes them
away, you're alone
'cause you're still
the only one standing
in the foreground, there's
this cement beneath your
feet, and you're still a little
weak, you got a little drunk
and he held your face,
kept askin' if you were okay--
'cause no you ain't
'cause no you ain't
he says you're good
at pretending but that's
not true

just good at deflecting
and actin' like it's fine,
he always talked about defenses
but never asked about mine
and I tend to lose people no matter what
by choice or not

so i guess i just figured that's what love meant
stickin' it out, holding it in,
but i guess it really is as easy as that,
if he's not for me, and i am for him.

well dear sweetheart
i know so far// how we got here//
and i'm sorry this all got so
confusing// well i've heard i'm a mess
but I've always thought of that //
as the opinion of many,//
'cause broken see as broken do

and darling
I have much to say for the state of our hearts//
and maybe mine was gentle acoustic cover the
the rugged twang of yours// and in the midst of
fightin' words, you caught me while turnin'
a fish off deck, a wingless bird--

but life has always spoken to me in feelings
allegories 'bout wolves and fields and men
and i'm used to fightin battles on the wrong
side, for mother's sake or father's winsome smile

and i've turned a door or two into a forest
made a **** a hundred nettles in my heel
ive heard that I may blow things out of proportion
with father njord inside my soul with bags of air

i'm begging for my own answers, for a revival
for a straight path, and I was hoping, I would
that you would, that I would, that you would
and i'm sorry I took something good and twisted it up
that i apologized for being me, and I know you said it
so long ago--not to be sorry and that you wouldn't leave

cause i'm still in your corner, just trying to breathe.
trying to breathe, trying to breathe.