in the face of brokenness and darkness,
we all  have the magic within us to make miracles happen.
sometimes the miracle is getting out of bed and trying again.
sometimes the miracle is making it through another day.
sometimes it's simply that you stayed.

countless others have tried to please me
not one of them has been succesful
because deep down inside
i know they were only trying to please themselves

but you
oh god here's the thing about you
you don't have to try to bring me happiness
you just do

before you
i fed on scraps of chewed up happy
bits and pieces of whatever i could possibly get my hands on
i was starving

i begged and pleaded;
give me more give me more give me
more
my hunger was never ending

i tried my damndest to be deserving
silly me should've known i wasn't the undeserving one
you taught me that

you and i
we don't need to give
or take
or bargain
just to exist together

you're my best friend (with five of the letter f)
my sidekick
always completely full of love
we're happy just to hold up each others hearts, hopes
and secret dreams that help us believe theres a better place out there than here

there are no terms and conditions
no expectations
our lives are both complex and impossible,
when we're together they're  simple and limitless

im pouring myself into you
filling the aching places of need that you've kept empty for so long
you do the same for me

you will never ever let me beg
plead
or go without what i deserve

*and suddenly i realized this truth about us

i wish i was strong enough to hold both of our souls up simultaneously

between this tangled mess of arms legs and organs
you'll feel my heartbeat mixed in underneath these blankets pumping and pounding like waves do onto beaches
because the warmth of the pacific current only separates our love into microscopic pieces of sand
i can sense the waves all around us every time i say your name
with quaking palms and weak knees
you fill my heart up with the most gorgeous sea shells to ever exist
the waves could toss and tear me apart
wet and crashing as i hold my breath
i try to keep myself flooded with oxygen but the water could fill my lungs and i wouldn't  care
because drowning with you in these blue-green glass tides and soft seaweed isn't the same as drowning at all

i looked at my face in the mirror tonight
my blurred eyes trying to focus
on the thoughts deep inside my mind
i was so lost and so miserable
i ******* loved every second of it

i'm trying not to lose hope
but at the same time
i'm trying to feel something
something real

****
maybe i feel too much at once
is that my problem

maybe i'm too fragile to feel

and as always
now i’m only more lost

and maybe i'm upset
because
i only shove people out of my life
when i know
i'm going to hurt them
i'm the most toxic being to ever live

but
please please

stop reminding me