It's a saturday evening. I'm sipping a cold redbull and *****, talking with a loved one. When suddenly one sentence, one look, one change in tone, and all the puzzle pieces fall together. But it all lacks one, do I have my father's eyes?

October 21st 2017.
This is the day I found out, I do not know my biological father.

Let's rewind back to June 25th 1993 roughly 7pm, I was born.
This is the story I was told from that day forth.

In September of 1992 my dad met my mother through mutual friends at a party, he said she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He knew he had to pursue her, for weeks she told him no, he wasn't her type, but he gave it one last attempt with two Reba McEntire concert sometime in October. At first she said no, but my grandmother insisted she atleast give the poor boy a shot and go. So days later she reached out to say she would go out with him. Little did she know he had already sold the tickets thinking she wasn't going to go. But, being the persistent ****** he is, he picked her up anyways but took her to a friends house get together instead, they slept together that night and I was concieved. Now this last part was only revealed to me at age 12 when I started to put some pieces together, but in my head I was just busting my mom on Pre-Marital *** which felt great towards a mother who was so over controlling I wasn't allowed to date until 17 years of age, and I mean so much as a Co-Ed birthday party. She knew where I was 24/7/365 and if she didn't all hell broke loose. But to get back on topic. My parents fell in love, mom soon realized what an amazing man he was and then shortly the found out they were pregnant. They decided to get married on December 26th 1992.
That was my story.
Rather, that was the one they delicately fabricated by the people who's sole life lesson to me was, Honesty was the most important thing in the world.

Fast forward to age 14.

I find out my mother is having an affair, physical proof. To be honest, she did not hide it at all. My father worked all over the US, hotel to hotel for up to 3 week at a time. When he was gone, she was gone.
"I'm going to the grocery store and to run an errand and then I'll be home. What do you want for dinner?"
"The boys want sonic and a chocolate milkshake sounds pretty **** good."
"Alright, I'll see y'all in a little bit."

....
3 days later.
Her car is halfway parked on the curb, halfway slanted in the driveway. It's running and the lights are on, I wake up around 7:30, get the boys breakfast, I've already called dad worried but he assures me she is just probably with a girlfriend and will be home after we're in bed. He ordered us pizza to be delivered with his card. I proceeded to call all jails and hospitals just to check. I know she's most likely ****** up, with another man or worse hurt or dead.
I hear something and go outside to check, I see her. In the car passed out. I pull her out, no response. She's breathing fine but obviously not ******* waking up. I'm scared. I try to pull the car out of the street. It's parked like ****, but out of the road. I couldn't drive stick but it would do.
I put the boys in their room with a movie and some yogurt "Breakfast in bed & Veggietales. Our little secret". I drag her up 2 flights of stairs. Into the bedroom, the bathroom and into a tub of ice water. She comes to but just ask for water and where she is.
I lay her to bed with water, a trash can, warm towel and bell.
I tell dad and he says to just let her hang out, she's just hungover. I think wow, hangovers are gnarly.
2 days later, she's fully coherent, begging for forgiveness. She promises to never do it again. Unsurprisingly, she would break that promise consistently forever the remainder of my life.
She was with a man named Eugene, coked out. At a ******* doing ecstasy. The product, a pregnancy of a mixed child. Which I only add as an important role in, my father being Caucasian, it would be well known. But she leaves him, comes clean to dad and he says he will raise the child. Believing her when she says it's a very small chance, a one night stand. A mistake and most likely the child was indeed his.
She lost the child. A few months later.
She broke.

I don't know if any of that is true now.

Fast forward to 16.

She's openly at it again. For months she's seeing an old high school fling. He lives there when dad is gone. I tell my father everything, text messages, pictures, grotesque even.. all of the evidence and it ends the same as always. He's mad, then she's mad, he apologizes, begging for love and forgiveness. She successfully manipulates him and then the wrath is on me.
She's pregnant again.
This time, she denies it all to him. It's his child. It's his child.
My beautiful little brother is born.
And now I know that not only do I not know mine and everyone else truly knew, he too will not know. And I don't know if I could break his heart. This man is trash.


Fast forward to 24.

We're talking about my parents, my mom. How everyone knows Jacoby's father is not dad. But he is in denial.
I laugh.
"Ya know, I wouldn't be surprised if my father isn't my biological father."
....
He did not laugh.
"Britt.. there's always been a conspiracy but no one really knows. But no one thought you could handle it, or they feared your mother's recoil."

........
It doesn't sink in. I get home. And I rack my mind over and over. Where do I start? Who do I ask? Why didn't they tell me? Was he bad? Will I ever know?
...
Could he love me?
Do I have his eyes? I've always wondered why mine were different.
My smile, its huge. Does his radiate the same way?
Is he kind?
Would he want to know?
Do I want to know?..

Yes.
The hunt begins. I give into impulse and call my Mimi, moms' mother. She sighs long and hard and I know. It's true.
All she can tell me is it was a short lived fling, an attractive young man, a few years older than mom. Tousled blonde curls and the most beautiful blue grey eyes. MY eyes.
His name is Michael. He was from Marietta. And lived in Hughes Springs at the time. No last name. No job known. Not where they met. Mutual friends. Just those three things over and over.
Michael.
Blonde curly hair.
Blue eyes.

It has to be.
Facebook, classmates.com, high school records. I drive to Hughes Springs a kind retired teacher keeps the small town library open an hour later for me to review yearbooks. 1987-1994.
Two matches, but it's still not much to go on. I need proof.
I call uncle, grandparents I haven't had a relationship with since childhood. Not one extra bit of information is found.
Except this, the father that raised me. He knew, I was not his.
So what do I do now?
Somehow get DNA from my father and pay hundreds of dollars to test it?
To get proof that he's not?
I can compare blood types..
But who's to say they will tell me the truth?
Will they ever tell me where I get my eyes?
I'll lay in bed all night long, staring into the abyss, trying to find a way to find you.

...to be continued..

I had a dream last night, it left a quiver in my bones.
Driving and I had no control, suddenly spinning in circles over & over.
I let go of the wheel, turn behind me and reach for two things, a picture of my grandmother tucked behind my seat and my camera, full of memories I cherish and everything stops. I'm thrown against the windshield. My body crumpled in a ball, limp. I realized I was no longer living, I was watching from above my body. My life didn't flash before my eyes, I wasn't walking into the sky on a ray of sunlight. There was no dramatic last breath or thought. I I was looking at my broken body, lying there cold and alone.

That's not how I want to go.

"Don't look at me." She said as she shook on the coach staring at the ground.
"Brianna, you can't just smoke *** and pass out with an open fire right next to you, you're going to hurt yourself! You're being reckless."
"I know how disappointed in me you are right now. And believe me, I am incredibly sorry I have done this this you. But you don't understand what I went through to get away from this, Cole. I found some pills in that old box in the closet.. Hydrocodones, the big ones. AAdd I took them. I didn't even think, next thing I knew, I was swallowing two pills down with a glass of sweet tea and my heart was pumping. Blood pulsing. I forgot the lust of my old abusive habit. And instantly, I wanted to be sober. I couldn't believe how incredibly stupid I had just been and I couldn't take it back. Hours of feeling this and hating myself for it and then Having to look you in the eye and tell you what I'd done. God I'm sorry. I broke. I didn't think... "

.......she started to weep but kept trying to cover her face to hide it. Her mind racing wondering what he was thinking, was this the last straw. Was this the moment he decided she was no longer good for him. What had she done. Why was she so addicted to aflfiction.

He took a long sigh, gave her one quick glance and quickly looked away with a look of despair on his face. She had broke him and she knew it. He grabbed his keys and his shoes and left in his truck down the road. She sat on the porch weeping. What could she do? When would the day come that she was no longer addicted to anything? When would she control her urges and be the woman he deserved.

Or was that just who she was.

How it was is how it'll never be. And it will be will be nothing like it was. ♡

"Don't look at me." She said as she shook on the coach staring at the ground.
"Brianna, you can't just smoke *** and pass out with an open fire right next to you, you're going to hurt yourself! You're being reckless."
"I know how disappointed in me you are right now. And believe me, I am incredibly sorry I have done this this you. But you don't understand what I went through to get away from this, Cole. I found some pills in that old box in the closet.. Hydrocodones, the big ones. And I took them. I didn't even think, next thing I knew, I was swallowing two pills down with a glass of sweet tea and my heart was pumping. Blood pulsing. I forgot the lust of my old abusive habit. And instantly, I wanted to be sober. I couldn't believe how incredibly stupid I had just been and I couldn't take it back. Hours of feeling this and hating myself for it and then Having to look you in the eye and tell you what I'd done. God I'm sorry. I broke. I didn't think... "

.......she started to weep but kept trying to cover her face to hide it. Her mind racing wondering what he was thinking, was this the last straw. Was this the moment he decided she was no longer good for him. What had she done. Why was she so addicted to aflfiction.

He took a long sigh, gave her one quick glance and quickly looked away with a look of despair on his face. She had broke him and she knew it. He grabbed his keys and his shoes and left in his truck down the road. She sat on the porch weeping. What could she do? When would the day come that she was no longer addicted to anything? When would she control her urges and be the woman he deserved.

Or was that just who she was.

How it was is how it'll never be. And it will be will be nothing like it was. ♡

It's strange to me that after all these years, there's still this tension in the air.
Gravitating to eachother an inch every minute. Lying to ourselves so there's no guilt in it.
I feel your shallow breaths, but the words never come out.
I'm breathless, as if I was to drown.
I meant what I did, don't regret it at all.
Though we borh know, our timing has always been our fall.

I hate you, I hate you.
What have you done?
So hard I worked, & in one second, corrupt.

You never had my heart, I never wanted "I do".
And you knew it too, you ******* knew.
It wasn't yours, not yours take.

You never asked permission, you ignored my screams.
Your ripped my clothes, along with my dignity.
I struggled and squirmed, but my blood wasn't clean.
You tricked me, and my head was dizzy.

I made it clear, word for word.
Don't take this from me.
I begged you to stop, take it back.
But it was too late, my Purity I will always lack.

I hate you. I hate you.
Your heart will never beat.
I hate you. I hate you.

You know in the beginning of every relationship, you try to hide every bad part of you. If you're a woman, you make sure your hair is fixed, you change clothes 87 times in an attempt to look effortlessly beautiful. Which never feels like you look good enough standing in the presence of a dark haired, blue eyed angel. You make sure you're make up is perfect, you **** in your stomach and giggle softly instead of your true crazy hackle of laughter. Then it starts to get a little serious and you pretend like things that bother you, don't. So he thinks you're not crazy or emotional. And then you fall completely, it's real. And you start peeling all the layers you put on when you began the relationship. And the perfect relationship seems to not be so perfect anymore. You're still incredibly in love. And happy. But you both show your true colors, you're tired eyes, you're bad days, you're faults and flaws. The things that intimately make you, you. And it's not what you showed the other in the beginning. You came to the table with a Royal Flush and turned out to be a cheat who pulled them from a sleeve. It's no one's fault, it's human nature to want to be adored. But never the less, it makes things hard. And you can't make the other person feel bad for the flaws they have. And nor them to you. But rather, if you love eachother enough, care for eachother and work together. None of it will matter. But you have to try every day, because one day you'll come home from a long day at work. And their sanctuary, is your sanctuary. And you have to leave it at the door, because hopefully, they left their bad day at the door. And you can enjoy your sanctuary with your best friend. And love them for being, them. Who they are, and who they are with you.

I can't get the words right. I'm starting to get lost.
You're bubbling emotions that don't make sense.
You can't understand me, we're both at a loss.
Why must you be unhappy? All I have, I give.
It's a word not yet discovered. I am, but I'm not.
I've done as I should, these faults are not my own
You cant understand me, I'm trying to hold on.

To the place where I was, the place where I cried.
The place where they sat & watched me die.
The place where I raised them, the place that I left.
The place where Distraught I Lived & I Left.

It's nothing you do, it's nothing you say. There's nothing more that you could, that you don't already do. You're perfect to love me. Just promise to stay. Stay when I'm happy and stay when I'm sad. Stay cause you love me. As will I. Forever and always, you're my guy.

I can't understand my breathing, it's starting fast and ending slow.
I need my demons to leave me, let me return to never being alone.
Cause I'm pushing away the only one, who holds me while I scream inside.
I'm trying to persevere and throw away insecure lies.
Blood pumps fast when I daydream that I'm not enough for you.
Images in my head that I don't want to remember their taking my life.
I was an assassin, took what I needed and left on a cue.
When I looked in their eyes and saw they needed mine.
I can't do that to you, I never would, but the urges to run, they've got me in a corner.
The feeling that you'll leave when you see the dark sides of mine.
I'd steal their hearts before they ever saw it coming, but you stole mine first
Now I'm over my head, I'm not in control. I need you in my life.
I need your love more than my own.
I crave to hear your heartbeat. It soothes me while I sleep.
I need to feel you needing me. It's my own kind of lust.


You're handsome and I'm sick, I crave you.
I fear I'll never add up to exactly what you deserve.
I need you baby, I need your strength.
I've done so much wrong, it's haunting me in ways I never imagined.
Why do I need you inside me to make me feel wanted?
When your eyes truly show how much I mean to your heart.
But you are my well-being, you are my firm earth.

When the damage was done and your soul was won. Did you feel a sting? Did you know you were done?
Did the lights dim down in your common sense, did you ever think once that your sins would win.
Did it hit you hard when I ran away, or was it a sweet release from inflicting pain.
On the ones who loved you, on the ones who cared. Or was it the answer to your silent prayers.
When you begged me back, what did you think I'd say?
I was never raised to enjoy the pain.
The nights you told me of demons and angels, I thought you were a savior. Not to be taken by the devil.
I used to be appalled by the crazy ones, never realizing that I lived with some.
Until it broke lose and the war begun. I was fighting alone against the chosen ones.
The ones he preyed on to take my family, I tried to be the glue at barely fourteen.
I should have never believed you all the times you apologized and now you're here again, same look there in your eyes.
Maybe you'd understand if you could only see through mine.

The nightmares won't stop, as I'm crying and pulling at my hair.
I'm ******* dying from the inside out. And nobody knows, that's my worst fear.
I roll over and he wakes me up, "you had a bad dream" and I curl up again.
If only they knew, they aren't dreams but memories.
My wings were clipped at a young age and now I'm struggling to fly with nothing.
They took everything sacred and all I hear are screams.
They never cease, they keep me up all night.
To just fall asleep is always a fight.
I was never sober for a reason, now I'm paying the toll.
I'm fighting this war, I need to take back control.
Sin like cigarettes, fuming in the room. The smoke rolls in and eyes roll back.
It's always the same tune. Lie to me, lie to me.
Say you're coming back to us! I'm so easy to believe in the love you lack.
Cry to me, cry to me. Those tears of betrayal, no you never run out.
Play circus with our hearts, oh where's your ring of fire?
Is it the one you wear on your finger even though you know you don't deserve it.
Bleed for me, cry for yourself,  break your promises to little ones who never doubt.
Ruin our home, you've been doing it from the start.
Haunt my nights with your terrifying screams.
I'll hold back the gun and you can prey on our hearts.
Promise you're changing and take away your own dignity.
I've masked you for too long, I won't cover up your sins.
Let the whole world know, I won't worry, your favorite sins will do you in.


Taste that cigarette, I hope it gets you high.
Cause you when you wake up, you'll be alone drowning in a fight you created.

Fear.
It haunts me in my most private moments.
To wonder and fight the thoughts of my un-honest parents.
The thoughts creep in and I ponder my brothers.
Will they know the things I've done for them? Or all the nights I've cried?
The fights I fought and lies I told, mommy is just fine.
The questions asked by young helpless hearts, as I soothed them through the night.
Daddy does love mommy and mommy is just fine.
They don't mean the things they yell, I stutter out of my mouth.
Hiding in their bedroom, with the TV turned to loud.
I run to stop the fighting, for the sake of helpless hearts.
Daddy won't end his life and mommy is just fine.
I ponder all the days where it was just me and them, I longed to leave that fortess, that god-forsaken hell.
I lay in bed at night, young helpless hearts sleeping sound.
They do not know the evil that lives in their lives.
It flows through their veins just like it does mine.
I swear daddy loves us and mommy is just fine.
I never tell them the stories that keep me up all night.
That daddy is not the same and mommy commits the crimes.

I prayed, dear Lord help us, but silence is all there was.
I sang in the choir and hoped some good would come.
I found nothing but hypocrisy, with a smile painted on my face.
The second we left the church corridor, they had everything but grace.
The torment and the lies, the woman I despised. The man I used to praise, now crying at his knees.
But when his eyes left the ground, a blackness filled his soul.
There's nothing left of daddy when his anger takes control.
I'm screaming in my head as I sit in the closet.
They send the children looking, thinking surely I've lost it.
How could I not? I've spent so many years protecting the young ones you turn against me.
Convincing them I'm the enemy.
I rocked them to sleep, I sang their lullabies, I took care of your sheep as our shepherd stood by.
You left us in the darkness, you didn't even care. Many days I just got by, with only enough for them to eat.
We had little to nothing as you walked on priviledge feet.

Won't put my clothes in the drawers.. Leave em in the suitcase on the floor.
I'm not settling down anywhere, that you ain't here.
Lie awake at night in this hotel, wishing I had you next to me.
Think of all the things we did and say. Now I'm gone for work a thousand miles away
And we call and talk but I just don't say, how much I really think about you.
I'm going crazy here without you.
You just can't see how much I care about you.

But we call and talk everyday and you make real promises to stay.
And I trust you more everyday..
But I'm scared of what we might become someday, you'll have the power to break my heart so please don't stray.
But I'm willing to risk it when I see your face, there's no doubt in my heart that you're worth it.

So I'll fall asleep another night without ya but wait for the day that I'm back in your arms and I'll wake to a message from your name saying my favorite thing..
Good morning babe.

Build a castle and tear it down.
Announce the king but break the crown.
Tame the horse, but set it free.
Save a butterfly but take it's wings.
Cure the disease but pull the plug.
Promise not to leave then stick the key under the rug.
Sweep the girl off her feet but leave her heart on the ground.
You can't stop the contradictions now.

It's crippling habit, you cant quite quit.
It all started when you took your first hit.
Your heart was broken to create a fool.
Who truly believes his tongue is a tool.
To twist and demean words, to trick them into lust.
To tear apart the hope that every one entrusts.
Into a hole you've fallen now, you can't escape, you can't get out.
No one is there to lend a hand, they don't care now but you'd understand.


This is a letter to the ones like me, like how I used to be.
You must stop running, let love take control and if you think you'll regret it, remember no one wants to die alone.

Build a castle and tear it down.
Announce the king but break the crown.
Tame the horse, but set it free.
Save a butterfly but take it's wings.
Cure the disease but pull the plug.
Promise not to leave then stick the key under the rug.
Sweep the girl off her feet but leave her heart on the ground.
You can't stop the contradictions now.

It's crippling habit, you cant quite quit.
It all started when you took your first hit.
Your heart was broken to create a fool.
Who truly believes his tongue is a tool.
To twist and demean words, to trick them into lust.
To tear apart the hope that every one entrusts.
Into a hole you've fallen now, you can't escape, you can't get out.
No one is there to lend a hand, they don't care now but you'd understand.


This is a letter to the ones like me, like how I used to be.
You must stop running, let love take control and if you think you'll regret it, remember no one wants to die alone.

Build a castle and tear it down.
Announce the king but break the crown.
Tame the horse, but set it free.
Save a butterfly but take it's wings.
Cure the disease but pull the plug.
Promise not to leave then stick the key under the rug.
Sweep the girl off her feet but leave her heart on the ground.
You can't stop the contradictions now.

My eyes are glazed, you can tell I'm amazed by the feelings that I'm feeling right now in this hotel.
I'm tortured like hell, because we're apart but we're near at the heart, so I'm laying and I'm dreaming of laying down with  you.
I'm smiling and you're trying to get me laugh some more, I'm thinking and praying that you'll never leave this girl.
Cause I'm swaying and smiling and I'll never be the same.
When you take my hand in yours and when you say my name.
I'm floating on cloud nine, trying to stop time for just another moment so I'll never have to leave.

Freckles like kisses on your skin, I can feel the warmth when you pull me in.
You look down and smile, lean in for a kiss and then I wake up..  I miss you again.

This hotel is no place for me when your arms are my home.
Baby come save me, I don't wanna be alone.

It's those moments, when we're laying in the bed.I kiss your shoulder and you know what I meant.
Look me in the eyes and smile that perfect smile.
You kiss the top of my head and you're driving me wild.

I can only have these moments with you.

I've never felt this way, never felt so safe.
I've never tried so hard to wait.
And when I start to worry, that you might leave me lonely.
I remember all-nighters on my sisters couch, the first time that you took me out.
The way you held me when I cried and stood beside me all **** night.
Promise that you would stay and anyways...

I can only have these moments, with you.
I can only feel this way, for you.
Only think all day about you.
And the truth is, if you asked for the truth, I'd lie.
But I think I'll love you till the day I die.

Don't give up on everything for someone who gave you nothing.
Don't run to someone who runs from you.
Don't be afraid to jump, when you wanna feel the wind in your hair.
Don't let something thats hurt you, give way to the devil.

I'm getting older, you can see it in my eyes.
It's been breaking me and faking me, this wonderful terrible life.
I wonder what it's like to live in a happy home?
To know when you cry, you'll never cry alone.
Never walk out the door without a hand to hold.
To have family love you and treat you like so.
But I've never been so lucky, except for my younger days.
But when I grew older, something so suddenly changed.
Her words became harsh and daddy's never home.
I prayed real hard at night for some savior to intervene.
But no matter how many tears would come, no one came to me.
I envisioned a handsome man, bold, strong and sweet.
To come to me in whispers and bend down on one knee.
Tell me not to fear, his job was to protect.
My heart & my life. No they'd never feel neglect.
To fight the tears back from my eyes.
When my strength was all but gone.
I'm almost twenty now.
Still hoping for a change.
I've found a man, bold, strong and sweet.
I swore it'd make it all better, if he stood next to me.
But no matter who is there, no one can slay the demons related to me.

My hands are trembling, heartbeat almost tempted to stop.
I'm not strong enough to hear your screams.
But you're just clawing your way to the top.
Do you see me shake when you walk by?
The fear that strikes deep in my eyes?
The thought of you tortures me at night, I toss in turn in my dreams trying to put up a fight.
Your sinful essence covers the room.
Walking like you own it and everyone's been waiting for you.
Do you see me run? Do you see me hide?
I'm not the only one you're hurting, this is soulful suicide.
You can't bribe me, I know how you lie.
You can't save me, there's no redemption in your life.
I'm ******* dying as you sit and watch me cry!
Come back to who you were and everything will be alright.
Prove you're not crazy, put down your words like knives.
Authenticity, that you are truly humane.
Show me you remember only human souls have a name.
Scream yours to the wind, don't strike out one more time.
I swear your heart is empty, but maybe I'm not right.
This is your last chance, don't put up a fight.
You may have lost a daughter, but you can always save your life.

Father quickly follows, you choose more fate than your own.
Don't feed into the hate you seen, make a break it's do or die.

Colors dance on the clouds as I lay silently watching.
A muse to be captured if only you could.
But nothings quite like the heat of the moment.
Where you can see it, smell it, touch it & hold it.
This moment so rare, so quick and so few.
I'm dazzled by the stars that are far from view.
I'm taken by them like I'm taken with you.

Somebody torn down the signs.
I look around, there are no lines drawn.
I play it off like nothings wrong, when really all you are is a pawn.
A misinterpretation of a piece of me.
I'm sorry, but nothing is as it seems.

A look in the mirror, all I see is broken dreams.
A look in the mirror and a double-take cause that can't be me...
A look in the mirror, oh how everything has changed.
This life and heart have gone mildly deranged.

Distance means nothing when your hearts out on the line.
I've been praying for you baby, I've been waiting all this time.
You hold me closer to you and our hands are intertwined.
People call me crazy cause you're always on my mind.

So I'm headed out to Colorado, with you in my rearview.
I'll be back soon though, running back to you.
You say I need not worry, you'd never walk away.
But I'm shaking in my bones, cause you're my only reason to stay.
I trust you now. Don't leave me empty-hearted. <3

To Whom It May Concern,

Silently I cry while she slaps and slurs her words.
You foolish child, you're no woman at all.
You're nothing but absurd.
You've called me names, you've bruised my entire being.
I was waiting for something to show me what you're meaning.
Why do you hate me? All I ever did was try! I try to take care of whom we love but still you're not there!
I'm fed up, I've had enough. You push me once more again.
I look your way and firmly say, if you hit, I will defend.
The power in your eyes enrages, the lioness has left her cage.
Your tearing and you're striving to tear this look right off my face.
It says " I will not lose, I will not give in."
And battles your folly pride.
I'll keep my face steady, even when the tears start to stream.
And even when you're sober, this look will remain.

It is the look of broken souls, crushed by lies & deceit.
Never have I turned away before, but today I am not the same.

Sincerely,
I've run out of cheeks.

You can see a change in my ways, in my pattern as of late.
I've turned upside down, it was always my detrimental fate.
You caught me off guard, almost lost in your embrace.
You held with your hands such a guilt ridden face.
I didn't see it coming, when I did I just hid.
I try to fight them off, but my tears seem to win.

You said it wasn't me, it was a past of long lost love.
I couldn't believe the things I heard, I knew it was never my luck.
To find someone such as you, bold, kind and strong.
I never took precautions, this time I just hoped, prayed and longed.
A mistake I should never make, I know this now for sure.
I'm just sitting here idle, waiting for the cure.

My heart is sewn on my sleeve, your name is in the stitches.
And if you ever change your mind, you'll find me here just wishing.

I can't find the words, it's been so long since I've been this way.
I never saw it coming, when you got on your knees today.
I know it's wrong, but you're oh so right.
So I let you walk out my door, I didn't even fight.

But I, can't sleep too much, rolling in my bed, it smells like you.
And everything you said, is pounding in my head. I miss you.
I understand, a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do but **** it

Please change your mind, keep me in mind. If you ran back I wouldn't hold it against you.

I drove around a few blocks, stopped at a bar and a few shots, it don't help me none.
I'm still coming, coming undone.
I didn't know when you got on your knees , it was gonna be such bad news for me.
I don't know what I'm gonna do, I'm just coming undone because of you.

I got used to your smell.
I started smiling every time, I knew you were coming around.
I let all my walls down.
So I'll drive around a couple blocks, stop at the bar, have a few shots, and idk what to do, I'm still coming undone because of... You, I don't blame you.
I'm not mad at all, but I want you to know, I've never felt this way until today.
Lovestruck since the day we met, caught up in your safety net. Im just trying to forget you.

The rain pours down on this tin roof.
I love the sound, and being here with you.
I've never opened up this fast, you're reeling me in now.

And I'm not asking for all your trust, right up front.
I'm just hoping for a little bit of give, a little bit of fun.
Take it easy, take it slow, don't get too serious, but don't let me go.

I've never been so vulnerable, then with my heart on my sleeve in your embrace.
Skin to skin, sin to sin.
You're opening up and I'm letting you in.
You see me now, with open eyes. The daring look says Hold Me Tight.
Clothes hit the floor, the thunder rolls and I'm caught here under you.
Dark silhouettes of freckled skin. What a wonderful view.
I breathe you in, two short gasps, you feel it too, don't let this pass.
Lightning shows quick clips of your face, I say goodnight, say goodbye.
But I'll be back just for you, to hear the rain on this tin roof.

Losing grip on all sanity, I can hear the lies every time you breathe.
Does no one tell the truth? Is honesty not sacred?
Furthermore, if I cant trust my own blood, who can I trust?
It seems like a game of justification, nobody wins.
But we're stuck in a sick sedation.
No rules, no regulations, it's every man for themselves.
Keep watching your back, for the truth of this hell.

I don't trust a soul, no not the new or old.
I'm learning how to swallow what this world throws at me.
I'm holding on tight, never let go.
Of the hope that's lingering.
In my heart,  in my head. I'm hoping.
For a better day, better life, better way to cope with strife.

Nervous shakes, waiting by the door.
Hoping you can't see me lookin' out the window
Just one smile, a single word and you've got me wanting more.
I don't wanna rush this, just one step at a time.
But if you hadn't noticed, you're blowing my mind.

You're strong and secure. You're grown and mature.
I've never felt so safe till I was in your arms.
So natural, the way you smile at me just like I've always been yours.

My sisters tease, but they're the only ones who see, the light in my eyes when I talk about you and me.
I'm not a genius but I can tell, you and I will be something swell.

As I sat down, the phone rang. I pick it up and see a familiar face.
"Whats been going on? Dad said things we're bad, God I wish I was home."
Words of a sister, who cares more than she can handle.
She's far away, you see. Feeling helpless, but there's no way I'd ever wish her anywhere else.
There she can find peace, our home is no place for love anymore.
It's not how we remember it, it's not how it used to be.
I know you wish it was, sweetie I do too.
But this cycle didn't start, nor will it end with you.
This is the millionth time I've said this, but you just don't understand.
Our family has lost its way, but I'm praying you find yours.
I miss our long talks and chunk cheese on the couch, but this place is a cage and I'm proud that you got out.
Don't think I don't miss you, I do everyday.
You should see the smile on everyones face when we hear your name.
We laugh and tell old stories and wish you were around.
You're out protecting our country, we're more than just proud.
I'm ecstatic that you're my sister. I couldn't ask for anyone better.

You are our savior, far or near.
You don't have to be where someone is physically to help them, you taught me that.

Mango. A mango.
Mm, I love the taste.
There's nothing better than when the juice runs down my face.
Mango, sweet mango.
Better than baby ruth.
I love me some mango, to satisfy my sweet tooth.

I came home today, there was nothing left of what our family used to be.
It's been a long time coming, year after year.
It's taken every piece of my sanity.
A story in one ear, as the other screams a lie.
What do I believe, when does this die?
It's sitting in my bones, poisoning my lungs.
It's building up walls, just one more minute till I'm hung.
On a wire, from my heart. To be so taken, torn apart.
Abracadabra, alakazoo. Just say the magic words.
Don't let them know you're hurting, don't let them know it's true.
Don't let those filthy demons take control of you.
I'm going insane, I've lost my mind.

Just two words is all we'll allow.
Goodnight, goodbye.
These tears are on the prowl.
We shook the bed, your hands gripped my waist.
I tried to fight the feeling while I was dying for a taste.
My head was pounding bricks as I realized our smokey sin.

But..
I love you.
Dont leave me.
Never let me leave.
I need you.
I breathe you.
Im begging on my knees.

I know, I'm the one running.
God, we are so sick.
We're running from the feeling but the space it never sticks.

Our passion was never deeper, breathing through the covers.
Your face never more perfect, as my fingers slowly trace
Every inch of all I've known, what is now not called my own.
I loved you the most when we said goodbye.

Memories flash before me.
How you whispered "I'm always here"
Never till then did i believe, a love like this exist.
But still I'll run, cause nothing ever feels the same.
Nothing was more painful, then a tattoo on my heart. Simply just your name.
You ripped down walls and heard my calls and silently i slept.
As my heart you did protect.
My tongue is weary from all my lies. I did not know.
My eyes they cry.
Im fighting death as it's knocking on my door.
Come out & play, you filthy *****.
No. Not again. Dont leave me all alone.
The demons wisp in and take me for a spin.
Infiltrate my mind.
I dont see them, i won't give in
I promise i could have loved you right before the storm.
I sold my soul to the devil.. That was my selfish sin.

No longer will I wait, no longer will I hide.
Too long I've been trapped in this social suicide.
They glance by wondering, never knowing how it feels.
To run like a child from this god forsaken deal.
I made it with the devil, I swore he was a saint.
He held me close, said this is love and I silently I sank.

Into the dark, into his arms. Where only I belonged.
And like a child, I played his game, not knowing I was the pawn.
He took care, with every little word.
To make it feel, as real as real can be.
I reveled in whispered lies, just to smell his sweet perfume.
I saw the sin deep in his eyes, but battled for the good.
I heard the lies in his voice, I knew what I should do.
I should run, I should flee, but what about him?
I could save his soul, I could set him free. And it happened, in just a whim.
It was enough, it set him off, he needed me no more from me.
He crossed his heart, I hoped to die if I wasn't his.
And like a genie in a bottle, he granted  me that wish.
I'm gone now, my soul has withered thin.
I'm hanging on to this last sentiment.
My heart is gone, I wish it weren't true.
But if I know one thing, the devil lives in you.

When it all slips away and nothing is the same. When your heart is simply broken by the one you thought would never leave and there’s nothing you can do and there’s nothing you can say. It’s like you’re driving down the road and someone slams onto their brakes. You’re walking from the storm, but where is there to go? Cause where it used to be, there is no place called home. When you’re not who you used to be, you hate who you’ve become. When you know you should stay but all you do is run. You keep saying you’re okay, everything is better now. But if you told the truth you’d say you were run to the ground. You don’t know where to start but you know where to be, he’s calling for you “please just see.” . He never left your side, he misses you so bad. He was there before you knew you’d ever be, he loves every flaw you think you can see. Why is it so hard to simply believe? Why can’t you run to his arms? You know he wont hurt . You know hes the only one with help. Please, oh please just see! Did I mention the “you” I speak of is me?…

God, if you only knew the things these eyes have seen. I feel as if I’m the only one to have felt this heaviness in my soul. It breaks me down. I’m scavenging for survival. For hope, for humanity. I wait patiently in the dark hoping to watch as the light breaks through this darkness I live in. Will the sun rise? Will the moon give in to its brutal blows? Or will I be left again, left wondering where I’m meant to travel to next. I watched my family torn from the places once called sacred. The treasures they held once before meant nothing, their lives were the only treasure they had left. The only treasure I had left. Some tore their way out of that hell. The mental affliction that caused them to drown in their own murderous screams. They moved on with their quest for a purpose, ripping away the flaws and scars left by the pain experienced. Becoming something new, remade. Still beautiful, they didn’t break. They persevered. I watched as others tied the fear and pain to their ankles, always dragging it with them. Others would notice the chains they pulled, but never say a word. Never reach out a hand to search for the key to these aches. Just watching them survive, I watch them survive. I survive. But the worst of all to watch was The Interpreter. The ones who fell for the lies that got them with me in this black hole. The ones who never coped, never wanted a purpose, they wanted revenge. Revenge on the ones who tore their soul apart, piece by piece. The ones who took every bit of sanity they had and laughed as it fell unreachable by any man. I watched as something once so beautiful, miraculous, pure and true turn into something that made me want to cringe. So hungry. Always remembering the starvation they suffered from and using it as a crutch and weapon to fill the hole that cannot be filled by things as such. I try to help but they snarl in defense, forgetting that once I was their friend. Only thinking of the world as an enemy, and everyone in it an enemy as well. I try to stop them, plead for them to stay, just to here a few words. Just to know that they aren’t alone, I’m here in the darkness too.

Somebody torn down the signs. I look around there are no lines drawn. I play it off like nothings wrong, when really all you are is a pawn. A misinterpretation of a piece of me. I'm sorry but nothing is what it seems.

A look in the mirror, all I see is broken dreams.
A look in the mirror, and a double take cause that can't be me...
A look in the mirror, how everything has changed..
This life and heart have gone deranged,

Too much I care for the wayward soul.

Whose life is lost, with no control.

The drugs, the fears & drunken calls.

Their  lives are drenched in alcohol.

I can't stop now, I must go back.

I fear the love they seem to lack.

I'll save you boy, just trust me now.

I can't just sit & watch you drown.

You fell so deep in empathy, living life worthy of sympathy.

I see through it all, I know you too well.

I know you're hurt, your heart isn't well.

You'll hurt me, fine that's ok. But always your heart, I'll long to save.

Intentions pure but your actions a shame.

Do you see it now? You're living a game.

You're two strikes out, one left to go.

Come back now, you're all but close.

Your friends you say? They're merely pawns.

If they cared at all, they'd point out the cons.

Of your up all nights & drunken slur.

With your heart now, you must concur.

Darling, if you never chase your dreams, you'll never catch them.

Never live them.

Never feel them.

Never know the potential you had.

Im taken out, I'm on the ground.
You can't push me no farther.
I've lost my sight, im going blind.
Your lies they never cease.
You've broke me down! A predator on the prowl.
Infiltrating me. Can you see me down here?
I'm so lost in my own tears.. It's gone too far. It's been too long.
So many years just wasted. I'm done pretending, I can't handle this no more.
Murderous smiles and broken souls. I'll never not love you, but you've lost control.