You gave me the Y
and the ability to ponder.
Why is it so hazy
in the kitchen?
I recall the feel
of the virgins blood
spilt on the floor,
slipping between my toes
on sunday mornings
because you didn't have
to work those days.
But we never sat at pews,
just at the kitchen table
with bacon and eggs.
Menthol and tunes of green grass
and high tides in the air
and Gordon is sitting
on the counter top
waiting to tip it’s transparent
courage and laughter
into a short glass with Coke.
I never got your hearty mustache
like the october leaves
still gripping boughs.
Or your terrible eyes
plagued with coke bottles
since the days of your diapers
but we had the same silhouette
and I never grew out of that

18 years in and I fought for
freedoms, or my own life.
But we clashed like titans,
****** noses and split lips.
You didn’t like the idea
of me on your own,
so why not beat eachother
senseless till we each need
a Handle to stand and stumble.


20 years now and you tell me
How the levees of you vision
crumbled to the words that
I’d be dead within the hour.
So I imagine you handled that,
much like you would now
when bills smile from the mailbox
and the day mom decided we didn’t need the 84 Cutless supreme.
“Grab me a short glass!”

I’m still here.
Almost 21 years later
Saturday night.
and we sit on the deck
burning different flavors
because you like mint and
I smoke a natural blend.
I drink 14's while you still
pour Gordon’s with Coke.

And tomorrow morning Mary will be bleeding for breakfast.

Bottled euphoria
And vials of happiness
Relaxant sticks
And melancholic lyrics
Are all that I have
A company to solace

As days pass
Whiskey and scotch
Are not enough
To make us laugh
To numb our souls
And live our lives

I bid farewell
To what used to be
And the rest called us
As we lust to see
The rise of night
A goodbye to light

We drown in toxins
And tragic feelings
As we wait to heal
Things we can no longer deal
Haemophilic hearts
Washed up broken parts

The soft light touches me like a breeze,
Like a million gentle kisses on my body.
Rushing at me, drenching me, embracing me.
Rippling as I walk closer,
Swirling over my hands.
My dress becomes heavy with the dew of silver,
Dripping from the hem,
Plashing into little pools by my feet.
It condenses on my skin,
Becoming diamond tears, rolling down my arms and face,
Leaving shining rivulets behind.
My hair flicks the sparkling drops, bejeweling the air as I run
Closer, ever closer into the light.
I open my mouth to laugh.
The sweet light rushes down my throat,
Violently, suddenly, choking me.
I fall among the illumined puddles, splashing, floundering, drowning.
A black wave sneaks over me, I fight it.
Vainly pushing against the tangible darkness
The light! The light is growing dim.
I crawl towards it, laugh turned to scream.
Why won't it save me?


I awake with the taste of a beautiful dream
Broken.
Shining rivulets turned to scars on my skin,
Light to dark,
Love to hate,
How could something so beautiful, be so ugly?

Where are you daddy?
Mommy won't stop crying.
I hear her at night.
She says she's alright.
But I can tell she's losing the fight.

Where are you daddy?
I can't sleep now.
You haven't told me the story about the little cow.
Mommy tries her best.
She starts off good.
But she can never remember the rest.

Where are you daddy?
I sit by the window everyday.
Just hoping you'll come home one day and stay.
I cry when I realize you won't show up.
I cry so hard, mommy's afraid I'll throw up.            

Where are you daddy?
Why did you leave us all alone?
Without you, this house doesn't feel like a home.
It feels like something's out of place.
Maybe it's your missing face.

Where are you daddy?
You weren't there to kiss me goodbye on my first day of school.
You weren't there to teach me to swim in the pool.
You weren't there to see me ride a bike.
You weren't there to see me fly my first kite.
Mommy was there for those things.
When you left, she became the wind beneath my wings.

Where are you daddy?
I need you to tuck me in at night.
I need you to turn on my night-light.
I need you to leave the door cracked, some light shining through.
I need you to scare away any monsters that might say "Boo!"
You can’t do those things daddy, because you're not here and I don't know where your at.
If you can hear me, wherever you are, I only ask one thing: Please come back.

“High school is the best years of your life”*
Well if that’s the case then hand me a knife
If this is as good as it gets then I’m *******
I’m just being honest; I don’t mean to be rude
But I dream of a day without teachers or books
Or jocks and cheerleaders and their **** good looks
I’m done with the stoners, the losers, and geeks
Thank God this whole thing will end in a few short weeks.

I walked down 5th Avenue today

Your face reflected in every store window

The love I long for at Tiffany & Company

The warmth of your smile at Chanel

The solemnity of your vows at St. Patrick’s Cathedral

Your voice echoed down the alleyways

I felt you walking behind me

You tapped me on the shoulder

“Excuse me, Miss. How many blocks to Central Park?”

I smiled and replied to a stranger, then kept walking

He was not you

You were not there

Only the windows to keep me company as I made my way to the Upper West Side…

Your memory flickered
in my head,
like a candle light.
My heart is bruised,
and my words
have tasted bitter
in my mouth.
Rolled your name
over my tongue,
tasted like tobacco.
I ached for you,
like I ached for a cigarette
but those are two addictions,
which I must quit.
I took your pictures
all down,
tried to forget the soft words,
and sweet nights.
You stained my sheets,
like you stained my heart
with sweat and kisses and words
You will stay in my bones
for as long as I live