I need to put this down in words
So that one day it will have meaning
And it will never be forgotten
Because I will never lose the feeling
Of being lost
Scared
And cold
With out you there, by my side

I push my makeup around my face
Moist with tears
And soaked with sweat
This is what love does
It hurts
And it takes
Loving is like feeding a beast
Whose belly never fills

Sickness
All day and from nowhere
Something foreign
Disrupting my body
My day and my life
It doesn’t belong to me
And it never will

Fear
And the realization that I am alone
Chase away my numbness
Keep me in the present
Persistently filling my lungs with air
Air that’s cold and unforgiving
Loveless
Like me

Strength comes from a deep place
Somewhere hidden from view
A place whose existence I was unaware of
It startled me
And left me stable
Standing alone on straight legs

Laying tense
Cold
Solid on the table
Dressed in slippery wax paper
It was taken
Ripped from me
And I let them have it
Left to walk away
As half
Of what I once was

A little more beaten down
A bit more defeated
A cold shell of a bitter girl
Helpless and mad as a hatter
Screaming inside
And running wildly
In a still stiff stance

Where’s my power now?
Did they take that too?
Or did I just hand it over
Again
Giving up too easy
And leaving too soon

They live and breathe with
powerful contempt
deny grace; destroy charity
laugh at love
tear and strip away at the sincere
ooze sickening words, melt
the best of all of us, to sordid
filth, rip and claw away
our thickened hides, skins
slash, carve, violate within.
And so-

our eyes are lit,
roaring, raging fires,
consumed, obsessed
with nauseating things; an
undeniable
passion in our minds.

I'm on a raft,
In the middle of a river.
Winds are blowing,
Currents are raging,
And yet it is my lip that starts to quiver.

Can't believe that I'm about,
To be pushed down stream.
By that same familiar wind,
Which I always sail by.
Sailors stories always follow the same theme.

First the great catch,
So many pictures to take.
Then you start to settle down,
And get your story straight.
One person always seems to keep the date.

But then the river,
It comes to terms with me.
Says it no longer wishes,
For me to sail in its self.
How many tears has the sky seen?

No longer wants me here,
Although it cast me out.
Doesn't feel the same,
Since I sailed into the rocky shoreline.
Here comes the drought.

So now I walk,
Walking on the sands,
Between me and the world.
Looking for a drinking spot,
That will meet my throat's small demands.

My map,
Although out dated.
Has some spots,
I have been to.
Though now some seem so overrated.

I will wander,
On the sands which I must stay.
Looking for something,
That can keep me alive,
Except that river which I will stay away.

I

I am but a vessel,
nothing but insides,
realizing size
matters
when the squirrels
come by,
hungry.

II

Having survived
adolescence, I
compete with my
friends for light.
They grow,
so I must, too.

III

Standing tall,
I realize, above all,
I wasted my time here,
waiting for time's ear
to turn towards me,
giving me somewhere
to shout my worth
into the Earth.

IV

As I watch myself
tumble backwards,
I would cry if I could.
In my prime,
perfect--
for a bookshelf.

V

So now, I have to carry
burdens
that aren't mine,
knowledge
that I can't know,
and dreams
that I can't tie ropes from
and swing.

VI

Forsaken.
No room among sorrow
for fleeting hope.
Fallen friends,
brought here by
similar misfortune,
will be here still tonight,
waiting for their ends.

VII

I am dirt,
nothing but
what crawls through me.
But I am not alone.
A vessel,
blown in by the wind,
cradled in my embrace.
I admire its cunning,
its determined hope--
but as it grows,
I look back on days gone
with envy and repose
of the life I pass on.

So bittersweet is this nectar
Dripping from your eyes or lips
Cascading down upon my own
Making a full eclipse

It moves just as it breathes
Vacillating in all respects
So shiny and dull, the screaming, a lull
How well it does reflect

The time it seems to take to see
Is half of what its worth
To live again, so precious yes
The knowledge is the birth

and
vacant sheets
so i spend
my nights
full of drink

is something nice
about smoking late at night
in the darkness of your room
perhaps its the lack of senses
all you can do is
see and feel
the orange cherry
floating like a ghost in front of you
the sensation of smoke
filling up your lungs
my room is always warm at this of the night
most likely from the scotch
i don’t mind though
it gives me an excuse to open the window
and let the cool air chill me
while i smoke
it is interesting how
something as simple as smoking alone
can bring one so much contentment
at such a lonely hour of the night

I cannot offer closure to
those who lose their loved ones
or whose children die
or parents die
or whose companies fail
or banks empty
or women run out
or bottles empty
or whose demons eat at them
or doubts destroy them
or whose lives are as hallow
as a Carron beetle cooked for
centuries under an unforgiving
sun

I can only offer a chance
to those who thought there
was none
to those who didn’t realize
there was a way out
or that they weren’t done for,
just yet

I give them a minute,
two perhaps,
where they can choose
to do
or
not

and this alone is all
the universe allows

You were dandelion cute
You kissed me
And I kissed back
You giggled when I jokingly bit the tip of your nose
I listened up real good
When you said
"It may feel weird cause my tongue is pierced"
I listened up even closer when I pulled down your underwear
You had a moment in my ear....making me gasp and shake in excitement
My eyes must have
Cha-ching
Cha-ching
Because you laughed
And pulled me closer
Leading me inside your soaking dream
You weren't as bad on top like you said you were
You twisted all the right ways
Until you had me so close I could taste It
I had to make you stop
we played house on every surface
Until morning came
We fell asleep in the shower
The taste of you
Still tight on my lips