And it's back.
The all too familiar darkness is now creeping into my mind.
No thanks to you,
Of course.
I was okay.
I really was.
But I make one decision for myself and you had to throw me back to it;
The unforgiving darkness that will slowly,
But surely,
Rip me into pieces that I just put back together.

Can you not get it through your thick mind that you only make it worse?
I tell you that the darkness has left,
But you continue to question my judgement of my own mental health.
So much so that I start to question it myself.
I question everything that I believe.
Maybe I'm just lying to myself to hide how terrible I feel.
Even if I am lying to myself,
It's better than facing the fact that I am messed up inside.
I need help that I cannot get.
So why bother acknowledging something I cannot change?
Ignorance truly is bliss.

Every second soaked in silence.
Every portrait smeared with blood.
The message is shown.
Clearer than the tears that stain my face,
But more vague than my emotions,
Jumbled around in the empty, unforgiving abyss of my mind.
It is written in a language only able to be deciphered by those who have felt the pain of one thousand knives in their heart.
Those who have felt the pain of their own mind,
Tearing them limb from limb with mere thoughts.

The message is this:
Stop just existing.
Live.
Take chances.
Abandon your comfort zone.
That's how life is supposed to be lived.
Not wallowing in your sorrows.
I know it's hard.
Believe me,
I know.
But believe me in this too,
It's worth it.

Everything I do,
I do without thinking.
Blinded by the rage that you caused.
Making rash decisions,
Guided by the thought
Of anything that could cause you pain.
I have so much hatered for you it's unbelievable.
I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you.

All you do is lie.

You have hurt so many others.
It's time for someone to hurt you.

Lately,
I've been catching myself fantasizing about my death.
When?
Where?
How?
Will I feel pain?
Or be flushed with emotions?
Will it be quick?
Or long and torturous?
How will people react?
Will they care?
How long will they mourn me before moving on with their lives?
Who will tell you that I'm gone?
Will you go to my funeral?
Will you cry?
Will you grieve?
Or will it not have any effect on you?
These are the questions I ask myself daily.
Just searching for answers.

I hope
I hope so much
That you don't find these poems.
I don't want you to know everything.
I don't want you to know my secrets.
I don't want you to know all the things I never told you.
I don't want to hurt you more than you already are.
I don't want you to have pity in your eyes when you look at me.
And mostly,
I don't want you to see me,
The way I see myself.

I just walk away.
My expression emotionless.
But behind closed doors,
I let the tears fall from my eyes.
A well needed rain during the drought.
A million thoughts
Jumbled together in my head.
One thought comes through the strongest.
Get it.
Anything
Sharp.
Open your skin.
Let those cruel words out with the blood that is shed.
And just let yourself
Fade away
Into the empty abyss of numbness.

I get it now.
I understand why I am so alone.
I am always negative,
Looking for the bad in things.
I am disturbed,
Laughing at others' pain.
I am weird,
Thinking much differently than everyone else.
I am judgemental,
Picking apart everyone,
Pointing out their flaws.
And lastly,
I am cold.
So cold that everyone I touch,
Leaves.
Because they are
Frost bitten.