you loved me with your fingers crossed
your breath held and your eyes closed
ignored my declarations of love,
hung them on your walls like they were prized medals you had won.
shined them meticulously, pretended the words meant nothing.
shied away from my touch, lied straight to my face
crossed your heart and hoped to die,
darling I watched you try.
said you'd be mine always,
did always mean never?
I took your silences and read too far deep into them
made them into phrases you would never say
hoped it would change one day.
I loved you without care
I believed in you and your lies
I never wanted to watch us die.
you watched me as I walked away
breathing heavily and eyes clear
screaming all the words I so desperately wanted to hear
after seeing so much death, a whispered I love you wasn't enough.
I left with nothing but the echoes of your empty silence and the scars they left.

When I was little I was scared of things like sleeping in a room without my sister and the dark.
And I once choked on a cookie while crying,
And my babysitter used to let me off of my groundings if I promised not to tell.
And my aunt used to put m&ms; at the bottom of my bowl of popcorn, and everytime I was surprised.

When I was little I loved Hilary Duff and Mary-Kate & Ashley
I owned all the movies and cds.
I wanted to be pretty and skinny and blonde.
I practiced my signature to look like Hilary's
And tried to smile like Ashley.
I named my dolls Mary-Kate.
I wanted to be them.

When I was little I saw ghosts.
I would sit on the steps and talk to them,
Discussing movies and my favorite tv shows and how badly I wanted an msn account.
And they followed me and taunted me but mostly they were nice so they were my friends.

Now Im a big girl and Im still scared of things like
Sleeping in a room without my sister and the dark
And I don't eat while I cry anymore, because I once choked on a cookie and my mom ignored me.
And I don't have a babysitter anymore, but I never leave my room anyways.
And my aunt doesn't surprise me anymore.

I'm a big girl now,
And I know that Mary-Kate was a drug addict,
And that Hilary had an eating disorder
And that I look bad blonde
And that Im neither pretty or skinny
And that my smile will never look like Ashleys.
I know that I have an awful signature.
And that all those girls were sick.
But now I'm sick
Does this mean Im finally like them?

I'm a big girl now,
And instead of Disney stars, I idolize girls on tumblr
With thigh gaps and long hair
And ribs that stick out
I want so badly to be them.

Im a big girl.
I still see ghosts, but they aren't friendly anymore.
They pull my hair and dig at my skin and whisper nasty things to me.
We talk about death and blood and how good it must feel to be so skinny
That you can lie on your back and count your ribs
One
By
One.
They aren't nice anymore, but they're still my friends.

I'm a big girl now.

I guess I used to look at him like he put the stars in the sky, as cliché as that is.
I used to revolve around him, kind of like the moon orbiting earth.
I used to be too scared to kiss him or move or speak in his presence
Because he was this tall, graceful creature and I was anything but that.
He was full of wonder and mischief and I had always wanted to achieve that
(to this day I still haven't).
So I guess, that when he yelled at me and told me I was worthless I took it gladly
Because any words that fell from those perfect lips had to be true.
And I can still hear his voice and I can see his smile if I close my eyes and focus just enough
And I think that maybe I miss that more than I miss the times my mom would hug me.
But I guess, that when he cheated on me it didn't hurt as much because his words were like stepping on glass
And if I treaded too hard I would shatter them and
Truthfully, I was never good at stepping lightly.
So I took his betrayal in stride, adding more shards to my shattered collection.
And in the end,
I suppose that I left
And it wasn't for me or him or us or any of the reasons that I gave him,
But more so for the people who did love me and told me that he didn't.
It was more for the people that were disappointed in me,
More for the girl they told me they missed.
I guess that it was for them,
And how they told me he didn't love me
Even though I desperately held onto the words he said
Between kisses when it was dark
And all I could do was trace the outline of his face
And try to commit those words to memory in case one day he ran out of them.
So I suppose that in the end,
That song is right
And that two can keep a secret if one of them is dead,
Except we're both alive even though we tried not to be.
The only thing dead is our love
And the secret is that he never loved me.

I met him in October,
The month he was born.
I met him in October,
And it was cloudy and chilly
And I hated him.
Not because he wasn't funny,
Or nice.
But because there was something inside me telling me to stay away.
Run away.
I guess, at some point I lost myself in the vast sea that I thought was his love.
And I let myself drown without realizing it.
I made myself into puzzle pieces that were his smile
And the way his hand was twice the size of mine.
He took all of my insecurities and made them into his own.
He hollowed out my bones and fit himself inside.
Fighting was our favorite past time
It was loud and uncomfortable and mean and wrong.
I left him in December,
Two long years later.
The month that I saved myself.
When I came up for air I didn't recognize myself
And I tried to put myself back together
But the pieces didn't fit anymore because
His smile was gone
And so were his hands.
So I floated for a while
In sadness
Silence.
I lost myself when I lost him and I didn't know if I ever even knew myself.
So I'm still floating, trying to put myself back together.
I've healed all the wounds he left me.
I've filled my bones with music and words and books that I love.
I'm not lost in the vast sea that I know wasn't love.
I'm just lost in me.

I know a girl
Who was like a flower
Growing between the cracks
In the sidewalks.
Wild
Beautiful
And
Unexpected.

Except this girl,
Lived not in the cracks
Of sidewalks
But in the cracks
And crevices
Of her own pain.

Just like those
Flowers
She had been
Trampled
And
Damaged
And
Uprooted
Just to be hastily replanted
Again.

And although she always
Bloomed once more
I'm afraid
That one day
She wont find the strength.

One day
I noticed that
Things didn't matter
To her
Anymore.

Not calories
(Which she counted meticulously)
Nor clothes
(Which she scrutinized routinely)
Not even
Her hair
(Which she fussed over ridiculously)

One day
I noticed that
The spark
In her eyes
Was missing.

One day
I noticed
Her sitting outside
In the rain.
Soaked but you could tell
She was crying.

I asked her.
She told me, she was trying to bring him back.
She sat under that tree when it rained
Because its where he first kissed me
She said.
She traced his kiss over her lips
And tried to bring him back
Through the power of her memories.

One day
I noticed how often she laughed
But so little smiled
I asked her
She told me.
Her smile was taken
By the boy who took her heart.

One day
I asked her.
She told me.
He jumped,
He was just looking up at the sky
And then all of the sudden
He was gone.
Not a word,
Not a cry.

All he ever wanted
Was to die.

The first time I fell in love,
it was rushed
and packed away in boxes
and moving vans
and letters never to be seen.
(you still haven't seen them).

The first time I fell in love,
you held my hand
And asked me to be yours
and I blushed and said no
and cried as I left because you didn't know.
The first time I fell in love, it was with a boy.

The second time I fell in love,
it was hard and in a place far away.
This time it was through the computer until I could see you again.
You tried to kiss me and I said no and I left without a goodbye.

The third time I fell in love,
I allowed you to kiss me.
Against a wall,
rushed and cold and watched.
I left that time and you watched and knew
I would be back.

The fourth time I fell in love with you,
it was cold again.
You kissed me against a wall,
but this time I didn't know if I wanted it.
You were sad but you held my hand .
You walked me home.
I asked you to kiss me and you asked if I was sure. This time, I was the one crying when I left.

The fifth time I fell in love with you,
I wondered if I had ever stopped.
I wondered when I had really started
And why I hadnt noticed.

It was your birthday before mine and I spent
that day making sure you knew
just how much you were loved.

Suddenly it was my birthday
and I was there,
with you.
Summer and love always end
but
I didn't believe anything could end us.
We played games and every win
and every lose
was rewarded
with a kiss.

You held my hand and I never wanted to let go.
This time when I left, we both cried.
This time, I didn't fall out of love with you,
I knew and I couldn't stop it.

This time,
when you went away for the summer
I wrote you letters
every day.  
When you came back
And drew away,
I was left confused
but still hopeful.
This time,
I was the one who couldn't stop loving you.

The last time I fell in love with you,
It was with a man, not a boy.
The last time I fell in love with you,
You fell out of it with me.