i dont want to be her.
i dont want to love you.
i dont want to be your friend.
i dont want to even ******* think about you.
i dont want to write about you anymore.
i dont want to feel so hopeless.
i dont want you in my life anymore.

i love your smile
i love the way you make me laugh
i love you
but i love being happy more, i think

i miss the way we used to talk
i miss you wanting me
i miss you
but i miss who i was before you more, i think

i hate that i love you
i hate that i miss you
but i hate that i lost control of who i was more, i think

most of all,
i hate myself

maybe i'll always love you
and miss how things were
but i'm done hating me because when it comes down to it,
i'm all i'll ever have.

i wanted to write exactly how i was feeling
but my thoughts stayed blank
so my paper was empty

and as my blind rage went on, you came into my thoughts
which is nothing completely crazy because you always ******* do.
but unlike other times, i was confused
how in the hell did you have anything to do with the fact that i couldnt think of anything?
there was no way you were the reason for every  feeling i had.

but as i began to calm down and my senses decided to kick in
and it all made sense.
its always you
you are the feeling itself
the sadness, the heartbreak, the defeat
the anger and even the sliver of happiness i feel from time to time when i think you want me back.
youre the crash and roll waves bring to the calm shore
youre the shaking cat in the backyard who doesnt want anyone but needs them
but then youre every single ******* sunset ive ever seen,
all blurred into one.

you asked me
what do i want to do
and you would have thought that i jumped at the opportunity to finally say,
"be with you"
but i didnt

hell, i could have even said
"be your friend"
but i didnt

instead,
i never responded
and you never asked again.
because we both realized there was
nothing to do
i didnt know
and you didnt want to try and find out anymore

which was fair
because
you loved her
and i loved you

hey [delete]

i was wondering, how are you? [delete]

you keep asking me what i want to do about our current situation but every time i go to tell you the truth you tell me you love her [delete]

i love you [delete]

i love you [delete]

i love you [delete]

its currebtly 2:38 abd i am sooooo drunk and its fuxking crazy bexause every thing is so blurry righht now but my love for you [delete]

i hope she makes you happy [delete]

hey, we havent spoken in a while and i just wanted you to know that im doing a lot better. less alcohol and all that. i just wanted to say thank you for all that youve done to help me [delete]

i dont love you anymore but i dont think we should be friends because i know i would again [delete]

**** i still love you [delete]

please just talk to me. or you know what, dont. i need to not need you anymore. i need to be happy for once in my ******* life. so tell me you hate me and that you love her and always will. because i need to move on but i cant while youre still in my life [delete]

goodbye sean *[delete]

I was sick, so i sent out pictures of myself in blankets,
curled up miserably in bed with six boxes of tissues beside me
and each of my friends sent me their love in response.

I was sick,
so when you asked,
i listed my symptoms like they were my favorite actors and you promised you’d give me yesterday’s homework.

I was sick,
so i accepted soup and tea and let myself complain loudly.
But when i was too sad to function or having a panic attack or unable to stomach another day of being broken,
i sent out no pictures of myself.
Even though i was wrapped up, miserable and alone in sweaty blankets, surrounded by six boxes of tissues.
I told no one what was happening,
i said, “I’m fine, i’m tired, it’s been a long week,”
i lied through my sorry teeth and made myself walk through each day like a battlefield.

And i accepted no help because i didn’t deserve it,
took no time off because i couldn’t afford it.

I was sick, sure,
but it wasn’t real enough and when i was growing up, unless i was throwing up, i was alive enough to get things done
so i told myself i wasn’t sick at all,
just too lazy and stupid to focus,
just a big disappointment.

I was sick but i didn’t want to ask for attention or make people think i was too weird to be their friend or be one giant burden.

I was sick so i suffered in silence.

You’re wearing your last goodbye on your face like ***** clothing and she won’t look at you,
she won’t look at you because she loves you and looking means forgetting.
It means closing every door that leads to your hands and the bedpost notches on your spine.

The both of you will pass each other like lonely ghosts in the night,
except you held onto her wrist before she could leave and she stayed with you ever since.

She loves you so she won’t meet your eyes,
she wont unshackle her unsteady deer like legs to get up from the sofa.
And she most definitely will not tell you to go **** yourself for making her love you
or for not staying around for the collateral