it's your look that gets me.
your eyes are spot lights,
concentrating only on the important people and things--
when they're on me i'm frozen.
I'm frozen and everything around me is changing
the actors still acting, the props being moved, the scene transitioning, the audience applauding,
but i'm still standing there
mouth open with nothing coming out,
stuck in your spotlight.

with all his strength and power he calls to me,
as enticing as ever.
his skinny frame taunting me,
filling my head with thoughts
magical and dangerous.
I reach out to grab him-pull him closer-
but my fingers pass through like a ghost.
and even though I know
we can never be together
I allow myself to dream of
the promises he makes,
the ever-unknown world he lives in.

mientras caí me dejaste.
me dejaste solo y de miedo.
pero conocí un otro.
él queda conmigo por todos los problemas y miedos y mierdas.
y tú regresas cuando es conveniente,
pero no es conveniente para mi.
entonces te dejo.
y a diferencia de ti, no voy a regresar.
quedo con el otro que queda conmigo.

Time drags itself, then
stands still, and hopes for Hope.

We measure time with a clock
and distance with a ruler
but nothing would be better
than being an hour closer to you.

I turn the hands back and ignore the ticking
tugging harder each past second
my hands bleeding as my grip tightens
and the ticking slows to a halt

I grow weary and climb through the clock instead
running through the gears and pushing them to turn faster
like a hamster on its wheel, I'm running,
not moving any distance but passing so much time

The sweat fills my mouth and stings my eyes
I know I'm closer because a ringing fills my ears
the faint sound of your voice seeps through the clock--
it's closer now as the gears are vibrating,
I'm shaking at the thought of being close to you,

And tired from the journey--
very tired,
more tired than I should be.

Your voice gets fainter and I start to think I past you,
I ran too far into the past away from you
and my body can't make it any more
The clock over-heats and I collapse,
my body spinning through the gears, crushed
with every passing tick-tick-tick-ti

it started with me alone in a field
it was somewhere in long island, I think
yeah, I know they don’t have fields
I was spinning real slow
well, more like normal speed but in slow motion
and my hands were ****** to the sky all dramatically
and I was wearing that white sun dress
  and then there was thunder that was really quiet and lightning that was blue
       and then I fell down to the ground
    and the tall prickly grass felt soft and warm and I was going to stay there forever
I remember that part because I screamed it real loud
           but then you come out of nowhere and just picked me up
and I was real mad cause I screamed I want to stay here forever and
don’t you know what forever means?
but apparently you didn’t cause you picked me up and carried me like Superman—
actually no, you dragged me by my left arm,
                                 I don’t think it hurt that much;
  at some point I looked up at you expecting caring & sympathetic eyes
but was startled by your ugly indifference—
           yes, indifference can be ugly, you know that—
      you dragged me for about an hour,
until finally we reached a lake and you let me look:
     it was a ***** lake,
        matching perfectly to the dark sky and unimpressive trees,
     and it went on for infinity which I thought was weird for a lake;
you helped me stand up,
your touch delicate but so firm,
and as we held hands and looked together at this majestic lake,
         the reflection of the cloud filled sky disappears,
         and I bend to get a closer look and I see that this isn’t a lake at all—
it’s a cliff.
  a cliff that stretches down for miles, no, light years,
   and I look at you in astonishment,
and instead of seeing your non-caring & sympathetic eyes,
you have no face
and your expressionless faceless head ***** to the side a bit,
kind of pensive-looking,
and at the same time I feel your delicate but firm hand in the middle of my back,
   and I feel myself falling forward in slow motion,
my feet slowly tearing away from ground,
  and I take one last look back at you
    and your face is back and looks caring & sympathetic at my body lifelessly freefalling
so I blow it a kiss and say I’ll see you soon
because I know when this is over you’ll be waiting at the other end
and I know it’ll be worth it to see your face one more time.

it was a pathetic dream.

My thoughts are empty
and my mouth is dry
my chest is heavy
and my eyes can’t cry.
you’re staring at me
waiting for me to speak,
so I shrug my shoulders
and shake my head,
would you understand that
the words I’m searching for
do not exist?
I take your hand and squeeze it tight
hoping you have learned
to read my mind.
I wish I could hold you
hug you and kiss you
run my fingers through your hair
and study your eyes.
*all I can give you now
is a promise:
that I loved you yesterday,
and I will love you tomorrow;
today my mind flows wildly
like dust from a supernova,
exploding into infinite space,
destined to form a new star.
a New love, a new spark of light,
but not today.
I promise I love you tomorrow.