I wait, excited for when I see you again.
touch your fingers
kiss your lips
hear your voice.

But you always wanted more.

Because instead of wanting to see me
you wanted to see how the dress you bought looked on my body,
instead of touching my fingers
you wanted to invade  the parts of my body i regarded sacred,
instead of kissing my lips
you wanted to devour my mouth
and dominate me to show how weak i am,
instead of hearing my voice
you wanted moans and cries of pleasure
screams for the world to hear that I belong to you.

I sit here on the bed.
After your rounds of happiness and my forced labor.
I ask you who was the girl that you were so clearly flirting with last night and you tell me  it was just harmless flirting
and I bite my tongue
because i wanted to scream at you
Is it harmless,
that when you canceled on our date because you said you were sick,
someone told me that they saw you at a club, that you were gripping that girl's waist
and grinding on her like you were her man?
Is it harmless,
that everyday you rub it in my face how immensely inexperienced and timid i am
compared to the other girls you've been with?
Is it harmless,
that you asked me if it's okay if you ***** other girls
and I was taken aback and it was clear that I didn't approve?
You said
"They don't really mean anything, I just need some variety."
I knew right there that even if I didn't allow you, you'd still do it.
And right now
I’m just confused more than ever as I ask you again
What exactly we are and you say
“We're exclusively dating.”
But most of the time it’s more like
exclusively *******
with each other
with other emotions
with our non-existent commitments.
Because after just a mere 5 minutes of you being with me
and I refuse to spread my legs for you,
you have the nerve to lie to my face and look me in the eye and say
"My love for you gets stronger everyday."
And I swoon, being the naive little girl that I am
I am hung up on your words and I say yes when you ask me if we're okay.
But I know that by okay you mean okay with being invaded.
And with every pound, with every ******
The word love is replaced by lust
so now the sentence is
"My lust for you gets stronger everyday
and my love for you decreases the same."

I am so tired and so worn down from the weight of all my insecurities and you come hobbling in with your own bag of insecurities and stick it inside of me which you only do when other girls don't want you to.

Well guess what
For the first time in my life,
I'm
gonna
say
no.

Forever, you said.
One word injected into my skin
making its way through my veins
tatted into my brain
and carved onto my heart.

And I believed you.

Every fiber in my body succumbed to the idea of your forever.
Even when you passed by and wouldn't even spare me as so much of a glance,

I grasped on your forever.

Even when I sleep, expecting to see myself wrapped up securely in your arms the next morning but instead waking up to the bed made neatly by your side
and I realize that you weren't even really with me the night before
or all the nights before that.
You were merely a body when I was soul, heart, and mind when I was with you.

I held on to that string of 7 letters
F-O-R-E-V-E-R
Strongly gripping the thin thread but gentle enough
because I was afraid that the thread will snap
and our forever will go back to being a jumble of letters
merely holding their place in the alphabet line.

I realized how you treat forever like it was spit from your mouth.
A never-ending supply that you can use as long as breath passes through your cells.
Forever, for you, was like rain droplets,
starting high up in the air, competing with other drops to get through
only to fall and
come shattering on the ground.

The cloth
we collected the stars with
you now use to wipe someone else's tears.
The paper
where we dripped our blood in
you now use to write a new story on.
The fingers
that used to set my skin ablaze upon every touch
you now use to trace someone else's shape.
The lips
that you used to set me on fire with
you now use to cloth someone else with
new hopes,
new dreams,
new promises.

I just wanted for you to hold me long enough so your touch may freeze upon my skin.
The memory of your hands on my body to last me forever.

But forever
was too much to ask.

-t.a.

...and so I held her. As the tears continued to spill from her eyes, I held her.
Wrapping my arms around her as if to keep her from falling apart.
I ran my fingers through her hair as I whispered over and over

"I love you.
And it's
gonna
be
okay."

I opened my eyes
And looked up at the rain,
And it dripped in my head
And flowed into my brain,
And all that I hear as I lie in my bed
Is the slishity-slosh of the rain in my head.

I step very softly,
I walk very slow,
I can't do a handstand--
I might overflow,
So pardon the wild crazy thing I just said--
I'm just not the same since there's rain in my head.

It's all barren and wasted,
Your skull has lost it's fabrication,
Flaking like old paint,
And leaking cancer,
From between the severed skin,
Where you pulled out your stitches,
And I sewed them again,
So maybe you'd stop breathing through water,
But you didn't see me anyway