I woke up from another dream where we were whole and home together
another world where I was irrelevant, yet we were all that was spoken of
and games were played between us as we pined for each other over seven full years
and you asked me that question of commitment four days before my birthday
and 75 days before yours

I fell asleep watching some sappy movie that made this world seem sweeter than it is
another world where love was relevant and endearing and that was all that was spoken of
and smiles and break ups were thrown between them for seven full years
and he asked her that question of commitment on valentines day
and I thought to myself
god, that's the ******* worst day to be engaged

1.
you told me you could mess up my lipstick and not my mascara
but then I woke up to a blush stained pillow case and a wrinkled comforter
and my pack of cigarettes were stuck between my bed and the wall
with handfuls of bad luck I can finger paint it all

2.
a white oleander beginning keeps the stars in my eyes like wounds from the sky
and I gaze out into the space in front of me at the books I've scarred and stung
without a mother and a father I am alone and I know
I can't smile tonight when I'm feeling so low

3.
so I'm thinking that a book for you will bring us back together
we'll share it between us like 50 chicken nuggets in the summer
and we'll challenge each other to find the deepest sides of the words
staying nervous I am speaking in tongues and my outburst occurs

4.
don't come to me with arrogance and smile at me with your anger
don't scare me again tonight because I can't ******* take it
and I think I'm done with our fights and pointed fingers
my love for you, it lingers

take me to your swing set
sit me down and kiss me right on my dry forehead
my bottom lip will hold on for a little too long
but you push me forward and I feel like an angel
about to take flight
but I'm gonna fall down
because I'm so **** clumsy

you're there to catch
my broken hands
and heart

a steady start

you told me to climb out of that well to reach your love
and I told you that mama said no
that the h2o would keep me pure and to let that water flow
and you said, hey beautiful, lend me that hand
to pull me out of the deep maroon land drenched with sand
but mama said no, she couldn't let me go

so I rushed in the suburban skies to find a star that points like you
to sew back the break in the love that we grew
but my well has got me lowerin' down
and mama's gonna let me drown

you screamed, just fly, give me that hand of rings I made for two
and grow with me again tonight, mama's got better things to do
so I plunge to the bottom to bounce up to the top and show you I've got plans
but mama sees a smile in me and makes me cry and grabs my hand

cause mama said I gotta stay down low
to keep a better show for the love you wanna know
and I said to mama, aint nobody gonna steal my love for you
not another day will go by while I'm stuck in your womb

and mama said no, I can't go
so I grabbed mama's hand,
dove to the bottom and kept her there
I said mama, the well is gonna bring you down
I'm sorry I'm your well, but it's time for you to drown

and this time mama didn't say no
cause mama couldn't cry
and mama couldn't moan
and I said, baby come bring me back to home

and that's where we are
and mama's all alone

I miss you today
when I'm struggling to parallel park
when I'm thinking of new tattoo ideas
when I get frustrated searching

for a lighter in my purse
or with my mother
or with the distance

when I spill giant cups of soda every where
and when I put on lingerie to enjoy by myself
I miss you that day, too

when I feel fragile and I paint sad things on my walls
when I cry in the darkness of my bath tub
with scalding water raining down on my fresh flesh

I miss you then as well

there is nothing more comfortable
than the bed in my sanctuary
in a light blue room
with the perfect amount of pillows
and warmth
like a giving tree
that keeps me safe
and lets me love
and keeps me whole

I want to love a radical chick
with brightly colored hair and tattoos on her arms
piercings under her skin and
doc martins stomping on the ground
smoking **** and dancing
in dark open fields
playfully doing somersaults
falling on her ***
and holding me under her arm
never without her beanie
or her sarcastically loving tone
I want a radical girl to call my own