I've spent so many late nights and early mornings writing prose in my head
under the pressure of the shower and the heat of the volcano shedding lava on my skin
I spread the wash on my body thinking of you being there as we take turns in the water
my skin burns when I step out and my head rushes as I remember all of the times you passed me my towel and wrapped yourself in yours
I can't think of a time when I haven't wanted you deep within me
whether you were writhing inside of me or pulsing beside me in your sleep
most specifically I can't remember a time when you weren't
in the deepest ventricles of my heart

I'll write about you until my fingers cramp
until I've cluttered my nightstand with empty root beer bottles
and filled my ashtray with the butts of "candy" cigarettes
and I've listened to "Summer 2009" until it replays your final words
in succession
I was never here
was never here
never here
here

do you see the nights like I do, here?
a warm glow of heartbreak under cautious streetlights.
a rush of fallen leaves flowing past me as I try to take a moment by myself.
a suspense in the air of broken promises and aching wrists.
with old bruises and scars from the adventures we once knew.
do you see me like I see you?

one day I promise to be less fragile for you
I won't take every kiss on my forehead too literally
and when you hold my hand I'll know it doesn't mean a thing
but I hope that one day it means something again
maybe as much as the handfuls of goodbyes you've spent on me
or the dumpsters full of hellos you've saved

give me something to do
other than pining over you

and as I mourn the loss of you
I can only imagine you as a memory
as a dream of *******
and a ghost of goodbyes
so let me mourn
it is not the same

you**
with your fake smiles and your broken words
with your hair done perfect and your heart full of curse
casting spells on your victims, reeling them in and spitting them out
now I know it was all a lie, nothing worth talking about