I am chasing fools gold
around a fools world
with foolish feet
guided by my foolish heart
fueled by the foolish breaths
that I breathe

some time ago
a few months
my brother brought over a gun
and I just sit and stare at it
like I am in love
I am not concerned about thieves
but I am concerned about being here
when I have no desire to be

I am in hell
left to imagine I am still alive
this is my punishment
I wasted my time
and now I use dark things
to find the light
there will always be a burden
that I will carry
for the rest of this infinite life
this is hell
and I have been here
since 1985

tick, tock
tick, tock
the hands on the clock
are wrong
but the rhythm
could be in the background
of any song
why wouldn't you sit
and sing along
or read a good book
take your mind to somewhere else
because this place is something else
make the time longer than it is
when we use ours brains
for learning or imagining
we can expand it
imagine an imaginative planet
people planning the future
with a common understanding
of what is and what it could be
tightening the sutures
repairing the seams
we are one collective consciousness
having the same dream

I was in the water
counting one, two, three
sinking
I knew she was a flight risk
but I could not bring myself
to clip her wings
she is anchored deep
I can still feel her arms
wrapped tightly around me
every time I breathe
and sometimes her tiny eyes
turn into little beams of light
that stretch throughout my dreams
and now I am treading water
letting myself believe
that the thumping sound I hear
is her feet stomping the ground
leading back to me
but in reality
it is just the sound
of my fading heartbeat
I am in the water sinking
counting
one
two
three
trying to wash myself
of the once tangible love
but now intangible memories
of a bird cage I left open
and the song it sang
as it flew free

I can hear my heartbeat
it is thumping
like a cat at the door
wanting attention
or maybe just wants
in from the rain
I do not know anymore...

there is an umbrella
at my front door
and one at my back door
one in the trunk of my car
and one in my closet
I had one extra
but I lost it

I enjoy the rain
especially at sundown
when the sky is champagne
I love the feeling of wet grass on my feet
and when the rain is over
all of my friends begin to sing

then there were times
when I would give anything
to see the sun shine
when my eyelids become pruned
from crying
and the constant cloud
over my head
pouring down
I would have sold my soul
to have had an umbrella
just lying around

my thought process
seems to confuse
everyone else
and it is beginning to confuse
myself
but I am not scared
I am prepared
the storms come
but they always scatter

barefoot
in the grass
as the bees
do not even
bother me
dodging my legs
passing by
like a friend
passing by
a friend
I walk under
some trees
that I am not
familiar with the species
but they are pretty
I pass by my neighbors yard
and greet him
with a hand wave
then step down the bank
into an abandoned field
wild flowers
as far as the eye can see
well, at least to the tree line
where the sun sat above
showing me what it does
there are insects
little working machines
majestic beings
oblivious to my existence
maybe that is why
this is so comforting
I can observe
without being disturbed
I reflect on where I am
watching the golden glow
on the field
begin to fade
into the night
I have the potential to fly
or climb
like the bugs
but my mind
keeps me grounded
every time
coming to terms
with the fact
that I am a part of mother earth
and my purpose
may have not
yet
been
learned

I have not seen a ghost
since new years
and it is July
the absence is
beginning to
bore me
I almost miss
the feeling of regret
when you see a ghost
somewhere around town
the grocery store
the park
maybe the gas station
or maybe in your house
sitting on your bed
you believe it is real
and you have had some bad dream
but when you lean in close
to hold what you think you have
it is gone
vanishes into the air
like a mist that did not exist
that feeling
the feeling of rejection
I love it
deep down
I have never really wanted
to belong
never really wanting to
be accepted
I just want to accept myself
for who I am
that is why I love ghosts
ghosts remind you
the past was real
but is no longer here

an insect
dropped on my hand
I am not sure what it is
the size of a grain of rice
with wings
I have seen these things
all of my life
I let it live
it is a friend of mine
neither it or I
mean any harm
it heads up arm
only to reach my elbow
then jump off
then fly away

I am content sitting here
on my back porch
alone
staring at the stars
that blanket over my home
I do not need
to be seen
to be known
I am around
all types of friends
things that fly
and things that build
webs between tree limbs
or things that crawl
around my feet
their colors are beautiful
and I cherish the comfort
they seem to have around me
there is no love
that could compete
with the love
that mother nature brings

I used to think romantic love
were the only love to be real
then as I become older
I believe romantic love
does not exist
those pretty girls
are like the insects
an equal part of
the same world
that I live in

the same feeling
you get from a kiss
is the same feeling
you get when you bond
with a friend
or when you see a dandelion
take flight into the wind
scattering
only to land
and you know
it will begin again

I open my eyes
to the smell of burnt coffee
and the staleness
of a heart
that I gave as an offering
there are bottles lining the floor
like skyscrapers line city streets
as a woman tugs the sheets
off of me
then continues to sleep
I stare at the wall
thinking
that I am sinking
into it all
the sober regret
the drunken ***
the constant fall
eventually
my periods of loneliness
ends from a phone call
and a knock on the door
women are the vampires
I always invite in for more
addicted to the dried up feeling
I get from being shaken at my core
drained of all hope
like a whale gasping for air
after being washed ashore
tossed out by what keeps me alive
but I manage to wiggle and slide
back into the water just before
the fall of night

you are going to die one day
and that breaks my terrible heart of apparent stone
it should be big enough to swallow you
but instead I might be responsible for you dying alone
you are not the welcoming type
and I was sleeping in your bed
waking up next to you
with your fingers in my hair
as your palm rested against my head
this is the same way
that I held you
the first time
that I...
well..
held you
the first time you realized
that my arms wrap
all the way around you
I once thought that
generations ahead of us
would find our bodies
wrapped around each other
and we become the image
to symbolize
true love

I might be responsible
for you
dying alone
but I will be
dying alone
too

I have a future
that I look forward to
and I have a past
that I had to grow through

I smile when I think about who I am
and how I treat people
I realize my smile is not a sham
if my senses tingle in public
it is because I am where I want to be
and I love it
I know when my heart is hurt
I can feel it in my stomach
because I know myself
life gives you two options
love it
or end it
I choose to
wake up tomorrow morning
and live it

there is something
sinister
about love

I will steal you
if I feel that I should have you
I will **** you
if I think that I can not have you
if I hurt, you bleed
if you leave, I die

in the end, everyone dies
love either smothers you
abandons you
or never shows up at all
you can either adapt
or start drinking
and really let it break you
let the weight bruise your muscles
and crush your bones
once you let love in
it never leaves you alone

when love is mean
it gets thirsty
when love is good
it becomes work
either way you are burnt out
and need a drink

life is just a flat stone
that we skip across
the vast universe
that we call home

I am sitting outside alone
with a blown out arm
and thoughts of a telescope
in freshly cut grass
I am watching the heat lighting
turn the distant sky from black
to pink and gold

I am walking
not sure where I am going
I have some ideas
but they are not growing
though I water them
constantly
not knowing
that my dreams
are becoming weeds
and vines
wrapping themselves around me
keeping me from being
who I should be
and this should frighten me
but it does not
I enjoy the company

and as the heat lightning rolls on
I wind back and toss my stone
out into the unknown
and watch as it sinks on the first throw

I faked my death
in a hotel room
when I was a kid
and I have been
with this family ever since
I have a brother I love
with whom
I grew up with
and all of these beautiful people
I call family
and friends

I am
the creation
from a star
mother earth
is a hover car
and people like myself
die on the windshield
too busy thinking
instead of paying attention

I am going to hurry the sun down
pounce on the night like a subtle barn owl
dives down on a field mouse in the stable behind my house
symbolizing a young man breaking out

to all of my my forgotten friends, let us mend
all of our differences and throw them into the wind
to move through the breeze exactly how the fish swims
inside of our hearts right before our life ends

I am going to hurry the come down
I have grown bored with this cloud
over and over until the voices in my head start to break out
symbolizing a young man breaking down

the feline in my soul chases ghosts when it is alone
I slam down the same keys on the piano
and write about the strangest places that feel like home
I have made it **** near impossible for me not to be alone

so now I beg and plead, something or someone come hurry the sun down
I want to enter a dream where I am suitable to be around

she walked up to my table
sat down across from me
and calmly asked
why I had a skeleton
hanging behind me
I had not a word to say
I did not see a skeleton
when I turned around to look
she some how snatched my wallet
and ran away
I chased her out of the door
and to the street
after a few blocks
she stopped and handed me
my debit card, identification, and money
she took off again
I followed the direction
of my hair as it lifted with her wind
she is not very fast
neither am I
there is no wonder why
this look another four blocks
until she stopped
gasping for air
I had paced myself
I ran up to tackled her there
snatching my wallet
I asked
"why did you give me back my money
and keep my wallet?"
an obviously embarrassed, defeated
awfully attractive girl replied
" I have no idea, I was hoping to get away
  to see if you will try to find me
  most men would have walked away
  once they have what they want
  why did you continue the chase?"
maybe I have nothing better to do
maybe it is the symmetry of your face
maybe it is the aesthetically pleasing shape of your frame
or maybe it could be the fact
you had the nerve to come up to me today
I do not know
I helped her up from the concrete
we said nothing
then walked away
attached to two sunbeams
searching for what we have always
seen in our dreams
she looked up at me
I thought to asked about the skeleton
and she spewed beauty from her lips
"I seen your skeleton before, who you will be when you die
and I have seen my skeleton as well
they have always been entwined
and this vision was proven to be true
the moment I seen it in your eyes"

when I was a kid
the graveyard across town
the one my father rests in
was significantly smaller
decades later it is quite big
and growing
because time is not slowing
and neither are we
where ever we are going
does not matter
because in the end
we become a spec scattered
across the land
and what if instead of burial plots
we were buried with seeds
that grew into beautiful things
we could save the bees
or the oxygen we breathe
what if as we die we repopulate rain forests
instead of taking up land people need?

in the shade
on a bench
in a park
that I came to as a child
if you are with me here
then you mean something
not just to me
but to everyone I seen
you with
If I bring you here
then you possess something special
something I believe should be cherished
there has only been one before you
and I am twenty nine years old
that is a long time to figure out what I want
and if you sit on this bench
you have entered a sacred part of my heart
I know at this point in life
I am Fragile
but if you see this view
know that I can be strong and I love you
and to me, that is all that matters

I see skin
on skin
in my dreams
and I am never sure
that things are
ever what they seem
I need a bright light
to blind me
or for love
to quit hiding
and find me
I hide behind trees
from no one
I just pretend some else is there
chasing me for fun
I just run and run
wishing someone
would catch up

I have went some months without pain
I would say a few
and then
out of the blue
I received a message from you
when I realized what I was reading
and who it was from
my stomach turned
my first thought was to ignore you
but what if you just showed up at my house
with such an obscure object you found of mine
what could I do?
after the past months, the solidarity I went through
what should I do!?
behave as if I am mature enough for this, no one is
but if you just showed up at my house while I am there
...what would I do?
that's a question I wrestle with
on a daily basis
I am too injured to be chasing
anyone, anything
you do not chase love
it lies at your feet
therefore, what we possessed was pointless
though you randomly appeared on my door step
the moment you seen my tears, you washed right through
the cracks between the boards of my deck
as I sat and listened to music that made me think about it
you know, the smiles
the piles of leaves
you would jump into with me
and we felt we brought our own hearts to their knees
laying there with our laughter and the feeling it brings
we would end up in my bedroom
with album covers strewn across the room
I would put the needle to Wild Heart
and make the sweetest of love to you

when I look back
on our perfect ten month stint
you were an absolute angel
and I gave my best performance yet
I hate the way it all ended
I almost wish one of us had died
if only to save our love from being tainted

I gave you the sacred parts of me
and you walked away
even had the nerve to
sit on the edge of my bed
look me in the eyes and sing every word to
the phil collins song "take a look at me now"
minutes before the last time you walked out of my house and did not notice the irony
and if you showed up at my house
with that obscure object of mine, today
I would probably tell you
to do what you do usually do
refuse to fight for what you love
and only focus on the men of yesterday
then I would tell you to
show me your trade mark move
the one where you just walk
away....

it is Friday night
and late
the 13th of June
with a full moon
on such an event
I remember when I use to
spend times like this with you
with her
with them, ****
I guess I always seem to do the same thing
and get the same results then complain
about all of it
I am lone and I drink
but not because I am alone
because I am bored then think
I'm in a pool of water beneath a cascade
and the emotions of people around me
are drops of water
falling into me

I am at the age in life
when you have to be patient
the road I chose was the price
I had to pay to see the destination
most people grow bitter
but I embrace it
I now know who I am
and I have become stingy with appearances
love is my currency and home is my residence
my presence is not free, my friends make that evident
they have paid for my presence
I see myself in all of my friends
and in myself I see all of them

I am older than I have ever been
and feel younger than I have ever felt
I find myself looking at life
the same way I imagine a children would
everything is beginning to seem new again
I seek a higher quality of knowledge than I was given
all the while realizing it is all a matter of perspective
and it was always up to me to decide my direction
the physical world I live in does not feel like home
just because I was born a human being
does not mean that I belong

I am in some sort of transition, as my body gets older
I start to feel the pains from the life I have led
and it is difficult to stay sober
but my mind is expanding
like a cup spilling over
and my heart is an unidentified flying object
that just seems to hover
like a raining cloud that follows me around
and as I approach a puddle
the invisible hand of karma pushes me down
but life is bigger than me
I am a part of the randomness
that just happens to be

you can buy my love
I am selling it for a song
make it one I know
I want to sing along
is it strange
that my brain
wants to make love
to another brain
or my soul with another soul
on the astral plane
I feel as if I am the only one
who thinks this way
I have searched for a partner
but only found memories
I have searched for a high
that led myself to the floor beneath me
I am constantly reaching
for something, anything
and now I am believing
that I just want someone to want me
for the man I have grown to be

her eyes
my eyes
my hand on her thigh
her hand on mine
we were young
and time
was not on our side
our love was complicated
but wild
our feelings for each other
were anchored deep inside
I find
myself being that version of Brian
from time
to
time
I thought that part of me
had died
but the only time
that I lie
is when I lie to myself
and I do so
time
after
time

I don't know how I feel anymore
some days aren't that scary
then there are days
where I question whether
my presence on this planet is necessary
I am a grown man but sometimes
I set aside some personal time
to be alone, just me, myself, and I
to cry
I will admit, Life gets to me
and instead of hating everything
I love everything
but that comes with a price
it keeps me up at night
thinking of the hungry
and the innocent that forever die
I think of them all of the time
so I cry...
while listening to happy songs
my tears only travel with smiles
I deal with my troubles in piles
though it may take awhile
I manage to clean up the mess every night
and then the next day I see everything
in a slightly different light
I appreciate everything that comes with this life

I am older now
looking back
I see everything differently
but still the same
there were various sides of me
that have faded but still remain
stepping stones turned into memories
I can hear a song and become someone else
then I can hear another song and reveal my true self
my life has been exciting thus far
times have been easy, times have been hard
there is always a light that will flicker
that I can forever see, and forever feel in my heart
praise the day I depart
with this world that is essentially art
when I come back
I will paint a wider picture
then manifest myself into a star
and hold everything in my arms

I stand in front of the mirror
remembering when I hated facing myself
foaming at the mouth, and pacing back and forth
an animal before realizing the fate of death
chasing the shiny and bright but getting burned by the light
only to find the comfort in imagining a mass extinction
and I am the only one that's left
but as the years pass, I reaped the seeds I have sewn
people I have loved are gone
I buried a friend before he could watch me grow
into the man he said I would be
a lovable soul who is inspired by the spark he gave to me
I would say it saved me
looking in the mirror now
I am looking at a person I am glad to be
nothing to be ashamed of, I am free

blades of grass cut at my heels
I love the way it feels
a mosquito ****** at my skin
I pinch my skin around its mouth
and watch as it explodes from within
I hold in my hand
the heart of a former man
a man I used to be
a man that will remain a casualty
I breathe underwater because I am afraid of drowning
I put myself around people because I do not like them around me
voices surround me, my fears have found me
and I hope they are prepared this time
I am old enough to create a shield with my mind
now I can do anything at anytime
I am scared of snakes, thrown one on me
I am scared of snakes
THROW ONE ON ME!!!

I drown myself in disappointment all of the time
and now that I'm drinking
I hope that irony makes a fool of me tonight
and tomorrow I will watch my loved ones cry
and see exactly who my friends are for the first time
as I rise into the sky, I too will cry
for never saying the things I should have
to the souls that I am leaving behind
and as I spreads my wings to fly
the feathers will wipe the tears from every ones eyes
while they slowly begin to realize
that even though I am gone
I will always be alive

on a couch
a thousand degrees
or so it seemed
terrified someone would walk in
on you and me
as your eyes were half open and baby blue
the sound of your voice filled the room
I felt as if my body had been constructed just for you
the faint whisper of your voice crawled across my skin
I could feel the spark of your heart in my finger tips
and I have been chasing that sensation ever since
as years pass, people change
and you have not even began to fade
I remember the look on your face
when you would say "I know you have to leave, but.... please stay"
it has haunted me for a decade  
and has become the wrinkles I can not erase

I am a tree and you are a bird that built a home on me
the seasons may change, you may leave
and even though the nest is empty
it still remains as a memory
to always keep me company
when I am lonely

I shouldn't even be here
the sky is void of stars
this is not my night
these are not my "people"
and she doesn't have that glow
she doesn't have a glow at all
I usually get headaches around her
with the light shining from her soul
there was a point
walking down the street
she locked arms with me
and it almost felt familiar, almost right
I have shown her places that were memories of mine
and now, I am just a drop of water on the fishing line
I am too rare of a breed for her common sense of taste
quite elusive and reclusive and I am only out late
she caught me hungry enough to be fooled by her bait
then skipped the wait, threw me back
and didn't even watch as I swam away
as if she knew I needed to be free
and couldn't take the thought of seeing me having to flee
well, maybe that is  just what I want myself to believe

every spec of salt in the sea
is equivalent to every spec of you in me
I hallucinate from the amount of you in my bloodstream

every spec in the night sky
is every memory I have of you and I
and the amount of visuals will forever distort my eyes
I'll see good in people
when I should see evil
and the movement of my heart
will be controlled by their fingers

....but I am not afraid, love is a two way street
there is more of me in you, than there is of you in me
you are just a random leaf on a tree in a forest of many
a lonely molecule in the air that I breathe
even a bird with a broken wing can still sing
a song as sweet as a bushel of strawberries
I wrap up my arm and put my heart in a sling
then remind myself of what means most to me
my ability to speak love fluently

I'm at a place where I can see more
than what is in front my face
but from this height I can see
everyone who walked away

no one understands me
brandy on the rocks, please

I'm in a chair that feels like it will break
and I keep leaning back with all of my weight
this is what I have become
putting faith in the craftsmanship of someone else
I might as well put my faith in god
because I'm sure as hell not putting faith in myself
I am human, I am burdened by an inevitable death
I might as well hedge all bets

no one understands me
brandy on the rocks, please

I have woke up next to angels
with wings glistening from the beam of light
that pokes itself in between the blinds
I could watch them breath for hours
making the air taste a little sweeter
I get the same feeling from flowers

I have woke up next to angels
and their halos were a gleaming beam of light
that trickled through my soul and spilled out of my eyes
I tried to enhance my psyche and succeeded
women inspire men to be great
and all of my negativity has depleted

I scratch at my skin until I bleed
thinking I have morgellons disease
these wires seem to grow out of me
in whichever direction you may be

I swear that I'm happy
but something weird is happening
your face seems to be erasing
but your your ghost does not seem to be evaporating

you have planted seeds within me, ideas that spark my creativity
they crawl through my limbs the same way a snakes swims
sometimes I feel that you are the reason that I exist
it is quite easy to see your roots growing out of my skin

we left the lights on last night and slept through the sunrise
the warm sweaty night had you glued to my side
and I slept as if I had died and became fuel for a firefly

I glow best after sundown, when no one is around
dancing in the fields with you to sounds of insect mating sounds
my love burns hot and the glow is the radiation being released out

I seen you glowing as well, love has the sweetest smell
and it was thick enough to see, I inhaled until it burned like hell
then I slowly exhaled the wind that set my heart a sail

I'm listening to love songs, figured I would write one of my own
love is everywhere and eventually it will run out of places to go
this universe is an ever expanding egg shell waiting to explode

we are old enough to know what to do
but young enough to bend the rules
this is my autumn, you are the leaf that is red and gold
at the end of the branch that I nearly gave my life travelling on

I remember the times when she'd say
"let's die together one day"
I would pay to have seen my face
at the moment before I turned to run away
it is funny to me how time can bring on change
now, I would love for a woman
to look at me with that type of faith
and it not feel foreign or fake

love can take on many shapes
it could be a window
it could be the shade
it could be the sweetest of sleep
it could be the thoughts that keep you awake

I can barely open my front door
inches of snow occupy my front porch
the white is so bright
I have to wear sunglasses to see outside
even though it's the middle of the night
and the sun is not in the sky
this is a rare moment in time
when you can be blinded by the moon light
everything seems surreal and sharp
the dry snow flakes strikes my face like glass shards
as it penetrates my skin, I notice my heart
leaned up against the wall, happy but broken into parts
as loving as life can be, it can be just as harsh
and knowing this necessary balance gives me power
The dinosaurs disappeared around the time of the first flower
therefore, when beauty ends, beauty begins
the end doesn't exist, the universe continues to change  
and is always expanding outward

I let the flame of my lighter
dance around until the metal turned red
then I pushed it into my hand
and watched as the skin bubbled
I couldn't feel it
but I knew it felt wonderful
moving like a machine
I'm wearing holes in my carpet
sitting still, the thought alone is haunting
I have to feel alive
every moment that I'm alive
and I have to realize
that I could die
at anytime
all the time

are you going to wait by the car door until I open it?
are you expecting me to pull out the chair before you will sit?
because that will make you a lady and I'm into that ****

are you going to finish all that you order
without thinking of me judging you?
are you going understand why I don't try to kiss you
and not assume that I have no feelings for you?
because, as a gentleman, I need you to be into that ****

I could never see myself with someone
who would give themselves to me
without wanting to know who I truly am
I feel that a good woman makes you earn it
and I want to earn it, because I'm into that ****

I could be your pile of leaves
whenever I'm around you could jump right onto me
and if ever I'm too far out, you can just use your hands
and I'll come swimming back

you're so beautiful, and lips as sweet as honey dew
I can't help but to keep my eyes open when I kiss you

you look at my loneliness the same way you would an enemy
I feel like you make it a little easier to breathe
and If I'm being too forward
you can just use your hands, and push away from me

I opened my eyes
wrapped in covers, drenched in sweat
and with no surprise
a sore throat and an aching head
I sit on the edge of my bed
used a towel to dry my neck
then I lit up a cigarette

I wipe last nights tears from the corners of my eyes
I can hear the birds sing a song I'd rather not hear
not really in the mood for the piercing sunlight
or anything that reminds me that I'm alive, or that I'm here

how I feel is unclear
I don't have my heart, but it's near
I can hear it's screaming from pain, from fear
that same fear that I have, that I might not see it again

last night
I truly believe
that you slept like a baby
while I
tossed and turned
staring at the ceiling

I dropped three ice cubes in my glass
added three fingers of cognac
then I threw it back
poured another and leaned up
against the counter
and let out a deep breath
I know who I am
but I'm still figuring out how

there is a knock at my door
I'm not sure I want to answer it
could be anyone, anyone I don't want to see
or someone, someone I want to see, or family, so I open it
and she, with her hair and face
stood there, a partial smile
with a certain pain in her eye
she always knew when it was best
for her to show up, she had perfect timing

she sat down on the floor
as I fixed her a drink
she told me that life is magical
but there is white and black magic
and life isn't any different
she spoke of intense drinking
and constant, hollow loneliness
with the feeling of ambition
but she knew that something was missing
and at the time
the familiarity of it all
was too much for me
and I dropped her drink
the glass broke violently and sudden
the opaque cola took shape
as two blobs of darkness
on the floor
she laughed at me
and called me drunk
I called her weak
headed for my room as she followed me

it's been months since I've been social
and loneliness to me is as rare
as a four leaf clover
I've grown accustomed to talk with myself
alcohol and interesting conversation
just like I was anyone else
I sit in the dim light of my desk lamp
thumbing through a photo album
with old pictures of my family
I found in the storage last month
I  flipped to a photo of my parents
my mom as beautiful as she could be
and my dad with a smile on his face, looking down at me
I turned the page to find a silhouette of them
two blobs of darkness
they were like two birds
that made a nest
I head to the kitchen for a drink
there are no words for how I feel
nor a reality for the things I think

we're in my room
sitting indian style on the floor
I ask her to roll another one
then lean back against my bed
I feel heavy as if the earth is pulling at me
or the sky has its mighty hand pushing on my head
right now in my life
I'm at a weird place, emotionally
and I'm not even sure she's here for me
but it's nice to have some company when you drink
someone to hear you talk about the things you think
I feel the spark of the lighter
the heat of the flame flew into my body
like a bird to a glass door
the smoke danced like waving arms
in patterns I've never seen before
I watched our shadows on the wall
two blobs of darkness with the background flashing
from the wind knocking into the flames on the candles
it felt like taking a picture and we looked like mountains
we sat for hours as we wasted the night away
our minds faded off into the blend of smoke and music
and our words mesh into the thick, foggy haze
we found the door of the next day then walked through it

you are a beautiful girl
with a face as next door as you can find
a lovely presence and personality as bright as sunlight
you are young and free
a new soul on this planet
it's first trip into the vast expanse

you remind me of girl I once knew
who became a butterfly
with wings as intricate as her heart
and the endurance of a migratory bird
off she went into the wind
leaving nothing behind
and if you were to ever fly in
then fly back out, well...
I would never take to the sky again

I hide from you
I know if I show you who I am
you would be hooked too
and the last bit of energy my heart has left
would be wasted on something that could lead to my death
but it could be love, and I don't believe in anything else

I died back in '85
but I was told my whole life
I was alive

the mattress I sleep on
is stained with my tears
multiplied with the years
of emotional trauma and fear
fear of dying alone

I pour my heart into different bowls
add some water and mix it with a brush
then sling it onto the blank walls
of the asylum
I built inside of myself
where I go to forget
that I have died before
and this is hell

the colors bent with the corners of the room
a different part of myself is in bloom
I'm redecorating my mind
as an abstract collage of everything I've learned so far
in my short amount of time

I entered back in '85
and it took twenty eight years to realize
that I have been dead this entire time

I'm sitting out in the grass
letting the blades tickle my ankles
I've let the pressures build up
the man made strain of this life
breathing down my neck
thank goodness I've been here before
staring at the same setting sun
drinking the same beers
and realizing that none of this matters
not even the love we share
and the comforts we have found
but especially the heartaches and empty stomachs
even people you knew but are no longer around
I've learned to smile in the mirror
it's better to **** with kindness
rather than fight with blindness
at anytime we can rewind our minds
and bring ourselves back to who we were
when we were happy

I walk out into traffic, laughing
with my arms out
I spin as the cars are passing

they say there's no atheist in a foxhole
but I've been in one my whole life
realizing it, took some time
I couldn't imagine making it to where I am now
if I were to have been blind

I can't wait to be buried
with a tree planted over me
I'm taking a mulligan
and next time I hope I plant better seeds