I'm simply just too numb
I can no longer feel pain
My heart was once located within my chest
And it would beat
To a song implanted
in my body and my soul
forever
I still do recall the melody vaugely
Sometimes I wish I could hear it
Just one more time
Then maybe I could get some sleep  

Where my heart was once located within my chest
Is now nothing but a hallow storage
Keeping and holding possession of a stone
A stone that is cold as ice
A stone that is as tough as metal
A stone that was once a heart
That was as fragile as a piece of glass
But someone dropped it
And what a mess it did make
And it was left on the ground
With no one to ever attempt to
Clean it up, fix it
No one has the time
To put the pieces back together
Plus the cracks would remain
And surely fall apart again
And no one has time for puzzles

And once broken and empty
That storage in my chest was hallow
Hallow enough
You could hear echoes
But there was no sound
The silence engulfs
There was no longer a heart beating
And most importantly,
There was no longer a reason to care

So the stone remains
In the exact place it was mounted
Still just as cold
Still just as hard
Still just as silent

But I still vaugely remember
The rhythm of the beating
Of my heart before it was broken

Play me that melody one more time
Turn this cold stone into
A million little pebbles
And place them in a jar
And dump them into the sea
For the heaviness in my chest
Is weighing me down
I've forgotten what it feels like
To feel
Play me that melody one last time
And make it echo throughout the
Emptiness of my body

Make me feel
Make me feel love
Before its too late

When I close my eyes before I go to bed

It's still your face

In my head

He said "this song is my life"
It was by drake talking about exes
And reminicing and remembering
So I move my leg off of his leg and move to the other side of my bed

I want him to leave so I can be alone
I don't care if he'd call me
I'd turn off my phone
He doesn't love me
Its all pretend
Or maybe its all just in my head

There's no affection he really doesn't care
He's good at pretending
Maybe this is the end
Or just the begininng
Who really knows
But I know I love him
But he'd rather be alone

Where was he when I needed him?
Yeah, he was with her.
I told him delete my number and never to call
He was in love with her
So why did I fall?
Then they brake up and he comes back to me
A shoulder to cry on
A ***** to eat

I'm tired of feeling like I'm second best
I should be number one
I'm not like the rest
So why doesn't he tell me I'm perfect?
Or tell me I'm pretty?
We're back at square one
And I'm full of self pity

Maybe I'll leave
Maybe I'll stay
Doesn't matter
Who cares
I'll feel like **** either way

I sometimes dwell on the past
Always around the time of season
When You said
"you're not the one for me"
You had eyes my dear
But I guess you just couldn't see
That I was willing to do whatever you wanted
Me to do
I would be whoever you'd want me to be
I'd follow you wherever under the stars
Even far beyond that
Maybe farther past the sun
But my time chasing after you
Now is done

He doesn't love me like he says he does
He doesn't do what he did with her
With me

Where the affection? The love? The emotions?
He can't show anything to me.

But with her, it was different,
I watched from afar,
Their smiles were priceless,
They looked so in love
Meant to be

He would touch her and love her
Play with her like a child
And it seems with him and me right now
I can't even make him smile

But with her he was happy
Until she broke his heart

So with me, he is here,
Trying to mend his broken heart.

Filling a void that was empty
The second that she left
He is looking for someone to save him
But to him, she was the best.

I cannot sleep, I cannot breathe
Without thinking of them together
It breaks my heart, because I love him so,
I can't feel like this forever.

He tells me all the time
He's over her for good
But one day, I know, she'll come back around
And he'll fall for her once again,
And I'll be here broken on the ground.

Maybe I shouldn't worry,
Maybe he really does love me,
But I know a broken heart doesn't get fixed,
In his heart
She'll always be.

Either way,


                   I'll be smothering
                                 My lungs in smoke

                        

                            & crying myself to sleep



2013 © O'Brien Devin Brielle

It doesn't really matter who's better than who
You're not me
& I'm not you

I'm always writing about the past
All the things that went wrong
All the things I could have done
Maybe that's why nothing has lasted
That's why I'm taking the time
To write about right now
This very moment
And the way I feel about you
So one day when its all in the past
I'll be able to read it
Instead of cry about it
I'll remember the times
In which great joy accompanied me
And when pain seemed to flutter away
I feel safe
I feel a little less useless
I feel the sun shining
I feel the moon beams
I feel that life is much better
Outside of my sleep
It was an abrupt change that I never got used to
But I didn't have to
Because the second I felt less lonely
Was the second my eyes began to open
No more long nights with men who don't care
Who's names I'll forget in the morning
No more empty beds
No more tears shed
But if they fall down my face
I know you're here to dry them
Oh how nice it feels to have you lying next to me
And to awaken to your face everyday
And when love is made between us
The passion is so strong
I could cry
Who knows if we're in love
Love is not my thing
And neither is it yours
But I can't help but fall
Everytime you make me laugh
All the things that we've done
All the places that we've been
Its just the beginning
Of my wildest dream
I'm not promising forever
And neither are you
Tomorrow is a million miles away
So right now I'm fine soaking in the happiness you've brought to me
Even if tomorrow you're gone

we sat alone in your car
with the fluorescent lights
shining inside onto you
illuminating every single
perfectly imperfect inch
of your sad face
I turned my body to face yours
and I lifted my hand
and held your face
and you closed your eyes
and I saw a hint of a smile
I found my head nestled
in your neck 60 seconds later
and you were holding me
I said, "you are my favorite."
and I felt your cheeks rise
in a smile as they
were pressed
against my shoulder.
you said, "do you
want to see something?"
I said, "yes, show me"
you pulled up your left
sleeve and you held
out your arm
and I have never seen
something so beautiful
with my eyes before.
my mouth open in awe,
I reached out and
touched the faded
mauve lines
my fingers felt like
clouds caressing
jagged mountain peaks
I kissed you then, still
holding your arm
not knowing how to react
to something like that
I felt so special in that moment
because no one has ever
let me see so deep into them before.
none of the words I speak are
capable of describing
one single part of you,
but if they were the word
would have to be,
magnificent

Another night
sneaking through the window
In the early morning hours
Same **** different night
A different boy almost every night
But what stays the same
Is that I'm always pretending he's
You

Each day I eagerly await your returnal
Even though I know deep down
you'll never
Come back
This town's just too small for
Your ambicious soul
You are always ready to spread your wings and fly
And set out and search for what your
Heart really longs for
You were made for great things
You can do anything and everything.
You'll always be my favorite mistake,
And I'll always be that stupid girl
That you never could have truly wanted
Even though I tried to be what you
Needed.
You were in a hurry to start living,
I was in a dream cloud, distracted from the thought of dying,
We were in two different worlds
I was a child,
You a young man,
And I expected too much from you
And I was broken
And I'm sorry I placed the blame on you
Because it really always was my fault
My wrong doings,
I wish I could re do this all
But now its far too late
You are long gone
And I'm still here

she's young
but shes been through it all
witnessed heartbreak
before her heart was completely sown

she was let down
before she could fly
she didnt even live yet
but was already left to die

she is misunderstood
no one truly gets her
its like she is possessed with a disease
that has yet to have a cure

she shines like the sun
but she feels left in the darkness
she gets treated unfair
people are so heartless

she has much anger
burried deep down
but on the girls face youll never see a frown
she is a princess,
she's just missing her crown.

she has never been given what she truly deserves
people are just so irritable
and say she gets on their nerves

but she does not do a thing wrong
she just tries to live
just tries to sing her song

no one gives her the time of day
while she's in the middle of speaking
it seems as though everyone walks away
no one gives her the time of day
even though she has so much to say

"I'm only half without you"
This statement I don't exactly understand
Because its not like that for me.
Without you,
I'm the morning sky without the sunshine,
The nightime sky without the stars,
Dark, and lifeless.
Without you,
I'm the ocean,
But without the salty waves,
Just a bottemless pit.
Without you,
I'm a garden
Full of plants and flowers that refuse to
Bloom and grow
Without you,
I'm snow that melts away
I'm the leaves that change
I'm the seasons that fade away
Without you,
I'm the same as the time
Simply passing everyone by
With no real purpose
Just a reminder that it all runs out
As you can see,
Without you,
I
  am
      nothing.

And in that moment
When I realized
That we stayed up all night
Until the break of dawn
Lying in that hotel bed
Drinking jack
Smoking cigarettes and bowls
Sharing our deepest secrets
Our hopes
Our dreams
Our fears
Making love
Then falling asleep in eachother's arms
That's when I knew
I found my eternity
That's when I knew
What all those love songs were talking about
That's when I knew
I was long gone
Lost In his eyes for good


2013 © O'Brien Devin Brielle

I am living
No doubt that my heart is beating

But between you & I
I just don't feel alive

I remember those white sheets and the covers pulled over our heads
And my head placed on your chest
I remember the exact rhythm to the beating of your heart
As if it were my favorite song stuck in my head
Replaying over and over again
A melody that floods my mind with memories
You made promises you swore you'd
Never break even if your life
Depended on it
Now look at us,
We're nothing but smoke from eachother's
Cigarettes drifting away in the air
Day by day
And as I lay here replaying those
Memories in my head
I glance over at the picture of us on the wall
Taken months ago
The color is fading
The memories are fading
And so are we

I've told myself I'll never forgive you
For what you've done and said to me
But deep down I know you didn't
Truly Mean all that mean ****
I Eventually began to believe
You were hurt, I know I was too
But why didn't we stick together
And try to make it through?
The **** we were forced to deal with
It brought us closer
Even if only for a short time
But that's the past all of the good times
They're gone, all left behind
And I'm left with nothing but
Bitterness towards you
You can't expect me to know what to do
I won't apologize
Even if I realize
You were putting up a wall
A disguise
Its hard for you to show your emotions
To put them into action
So you get mad, an immediate reaction
But listen dad this is my way to say
I don't hate you
I just hate the things
that got in the way
Of our bright days
There were the times you were the only
One I had
When mom was in rehab
we really had
Eachother's backs
But look at us now,
We don't speak a single word
Mainly because I resent the past
The things we once said out of anger
were disturbingly absurd
But this isn't about what you did wrong
Or anything that went on in the past
I just want to give the forgivness
To you, so we can be in peace at last
You know, I need to stop and say to you
There isn't ever a day that goes by
When I don't think of you
When I don't think about all the good things you've done for us all
Yeah sometimes you weren't here but you never let us fall
Especially 17 years ago when I was just born
And you decided to stay with mom and me, when you
Could have just walked out the door
And I will never be able to say how much
That truly means to me
My dad, that, you will always be.
So,
Maybe one day ill have the power in my heart to read this to you
So you can understand,
And know the truth
I love you and
forgive you, dad,
This letter is my proof.

He always seemed to remind me
Of my favorite color

When I first wake up in the morning
Its an instinct for me to think about you.
The picture of us to the right of my bed
And the letter you wrote me
Are the first things I see when I awake
From my dreams,
That also always involve you.
Throughout the day
I have constant reminders of things
That you do
Things that you said
And I sometimes see your face
On strangers wandering the roads.
On the nights when I'm
Exessively lonely,
I'll lay next to him and let him
Give his love to me
Just so I'm not so numbed
Just so I'm not so empty
And I'll close my eyes and imagine
Its your hands caressing me
And imagine
Its your eyes hypnotizing me.
Maybe I should have fought for you,
But I'd rather solve things with peace
So as if you were a dove in a cage,
Or a fish in a tank,
I realized it was not right to keep you
Trapped
So I set you free,
And now
an emptiness takes the place
Of where you once belonged.
Maybe I should have
Fought for you
But once I set you free
You were gone
In the blink of an eye
Forever out of arms reach

He was the blue sky
She was the rain
He was the sunshine
Who took away all her pain

She was the black sky
In the middle of the night
He was the brightest star shining Reasurring her
That it will be alright

She's an old untuned piano
With dust on the keys
But he sits down
And makes beautiful music from her
But she never ever will see

He was the smell
After the rain
She was like the seasons
Always eager to change

He tastes like cigarettes and jack
She is at war with herself
Ready to attack

He has the  universe in his hand  
The world in his palms
She has nothing to live for
She sits alone writing song after song

His soul is full of awe
His eyes are filled with wonder
Her heart is much too cold
Down her life it plundered

He is like a warm summer breeze
Setting all souls at ease
And she is like these cold december nights
Always
Chilling
Always causing a fright

Nothing hurts like
Being shot into the reality
Of not being loved
By the one you adore
The only one you want
The one you'd set yourself on fire for
Or drown in the sea for

Oh how he made my bones crack
And my heart slow down
When he told me to go
For I'm not the one who makes
Him smile
So mine surely faded
And will not return until he does

I'm tired of holding up my head
When it surely belongs resting
on his chest
I'm tired of playing this untuned piano
Until my fingers are numb
As my tears stream down my face
And form a puddle on the keys

I'm tired of this agony
And the weight of heartbreak
Weighing me down

I can hardly breathe
And I'm now left shattered on the ground
And now I realize
I should have caught myself
And I never would have fallen

I've known him
For less than a month.
I can count on one hand
How many times I've seen him.
But with all truth,
his face has not left my mind.

But how could someone
Who I hardly know
Steal my breath so quickly?

Maybe its the way he laughs throwing his head back
Maybe its the way he sings led zeppelin songs at the top of his lungs
drumming on the steering wheel while driving
Maybe its the way he held me,
Tight in his arms
I felt so safe
I could be anywhere in this world
But all that seemed to matter
Was the way he'd look into me
No words can describe the way I felt while in his arms
Entangled in eachother
And a million blankets and pillows

He told me too many times
That I was pretty
I denied it everytime
I explained that I'm an insecure
Mess
But by the end of that conversation,
I agreed to take out my hair extensions
And makeup.
No one has ever gotten to me
So deep.
And just by the way my body trembled
When we kissed,
And the way he looked
With his shirt off,
His body, pure art,
With a cigarette
Hanging out of his mouth,
Oh I never wanted anybody
so bad before.

I've been numb for quite some time,

I forgot how it feels

To feel

I forgot what it feels like

To be left completely speechless  

I forgot what it feels like

To breathe

he woke up one morning,
and the hands he had
were no longer meant to hold me
to wipe away my tears.
the eyes he had,
were no longer meant to gaze into mine
being filled with awe and wonder.
his hair,
was no longer meant for me to run
my cold fingers through
making me feel warm
I remember those moments in time
I'd be memorized by him
his every feature
his every movement,
by the way he'd look at me, and
how he'd
tell me about his father.
but now,
his heart is no longer meant for me
it is no longer beating
to the sound of my voice.

I finally worked up the courage and said
To the boy who wrecked me
"Did you know I write poems about you, if you want, I'll let you see"

Before the boy could say anything
I decided it was okay
to let him see within my soul,
To see the words I never could seem to say

The boy has bright eyes
But he simply can't see
How much he hurt me
But how much he still means to me

The boy replied
"Well I can say I've never had a poem written about me"
I didn't understand
How could that even be?
And I sat there in disbelief

I told him I've written far more than one
So he asked "how many"
I lied and said "a few"
But its more like infinity.

Now that was it
That's all he said
Now all that's left of his words
Float around in my head

I hope he liked what I wrote
I wish he told me he did
Even if it was a lie,
Because the boy doesn't understand
That I'll be writing
poems about him
Until the day I die

He told me everyday
that what we had
Was far more special
and different than
What Anyone else had.
He said our love
Is the strongest thing to be put on
This earth
Amongst mere mortals.
So why did he decide
The best thing was to
Wait to be together
Because of distance?
I thought our love was strong enough to
Spark fires?
But he told me
We will be side by side
Until the day we die
Someday
But I guess distance got the best of us
And now deep within these bones
I feel some explosion of emptiness.
He will wake up in the morning with new
Eyes
And soon see another girl who makes
His heart flutter
Even if only for a short time
And ill be here
Left behind
Rotting
And forgotten
Because he won't come back
He's already too far gone
I guess distance got the best of us.

1.) Looking to the sky
The sun fades away my pain
For once I feel whole

2.) *The moon up above
a Mother to all the stars
watching while they shine

And in my times of despair
When the darkness crept throughout the air
You were the one who guided me
You were the wind beneath my wings
And now, as I imagined, all of it backfired
Everything you said wasn't true
You turned out to be a liar
You were once the stars who calmed me
Now you're just drunken campfire stories
I tell the story of you and I
Sometimes I get choked up
Sometimes I cry
I hope she treats you well
She will, I can already tell
And I'm sorry I'm not what you dreamed of
I just wanted to give you my love
But it wasn't meant to be
Our love wasn't strong enough
I wish this didn't hurt
****, this **** is tough.

I still think about you every single day
I hide the letter you wrote me
And the picture of us crumbled up
In my pillow case
I ripped them off my wall
But I just can't seem
To throw them away

I try my hardest to be so strong
I know the way you make me feel
Isn't right
Its so wrong
So why does your face come into my mind
Everytime I hear a sad song?
The days just pass by
And the nights are just too long

It just hurts the most knowing all
We planned for our lives together
Are now gone forever
And all the words you said to me
Are not important and won't be remembered

Ill forget
Ill move on
Ill try my best
to be strong

But Ill never forget the way you
looked at me with your brown eyes
Ill never forget how you'd tell me you loved me
Over and over at least a million times

Ill never forget when we made love
And how I finally opened up to you
Giving you all my trust

Ill never forget the rhythm of your heart
Ill never forget how you were the light in the dark

But I have to forget in order to move on
I hope that you'll stop me
Before I'm too far gone

As I stay here where my feet
Are permanately planted
I catch myself seeking you
Watching you from a distance

You seem to be content with yourself
And what you're doing nowadays
But for some strange reason
I wish I could be a part of it
And not feel so astray

But I guess
some fields
just aren't as green as the others
And some oceans not as blue
And I guess that's what its like with
Me and you
You could always do better than me
You could find a blooming flower
Instead of a withering ****

I could have been the sun shining
Maybe just not as bright
I could have been the calm snow falling
Maybe just not as white

I could have been the fire burning
Maybe just not as hot
I could have been a memory
But then you just forgot

I know I'm nothing special
But there is something about your eyes
That won't let me forget about you
I just don't know why

You could have been the captain
To my smooth sailing ship
But you decided you didn't want me
So I was surely left to sink

But truly everyday
you somehow flood my brain

So I'm begging
Please help me
Please come stop this rain

I'm drowning
I need you
To stop all of this pain

But I wouldn't burden you
To help me get through

I hope youre happy
And I hope the sun shines on you

In this life you are given
There's too much to uncover
deep within your mind
Your heart
And your soul.
There is much, much more to live for
There is more than what meets the eye.
In no way is living
suppose to be
Where skin and bones are what
Determine you
Or your beauty
The true location for this
Can be found burried deep in your chest
True beauty is hidden
And can only be seen
By those who truly look inside.
In no way is living
Spent being unhappy
Focusing on materialistic objects
Or the deceitfulness
Of money.
Money is not real
Money cannot buy you
What your soul secretly yearns for
In no way is living
Swallowing a couple pills
To make you feel something
when you are numbed
By mental pain
Or heartache.
If you are empty,
May you always
be filled with love
May your wells of happiness
Never run dry
In no way is living
about
letting a man
Sink into your body
Your precious, naked, body
Which is Meant for creating and sparking
A special love connection
deep within your soul
And another's,
Not just for the pleasure of your body's
Fullness & Quivering.
In no way is living
About the opinions of others
Directed onto yourself.
You must dig deep within,
But not expect to find a treasure chest
Full of gold
Salvation lies within.
In no way is living
Meant to be something painful.
When the sun rises at dawn,
You should be rejoicing
You should be at peace
Life is more than just existing for a certain period of time,
Then withering away deep in the earth
What's in Your soul
And what's in your heart
Will continue to overpower
All evil
For eternity.

You just have to find the true meaning of what it is to live.

I stopped writing poems
Once you stopped writing me letters

I stopped naming my songs
Once you stopped saying my name

I stopped soaking up the sun rays
Once you stopped being my sunshine

I stopped being positive
Once you were positive you had to go

Hope
Isn't a wonderous thing
It doesn't deserve
to be praised
To be inked onto someone's body
Hope
Is a coward;
it destroys every ounce
Of your being
Of your mind
Of your soul.
Hope so much for something
it makes
Your body quiver and ache
And constantly lust after the impossible
And once you realize
Its all out of reach
You're left to somehow comprehend;
To try to uncover what not one can fathom
Hope
is a way to
Pretend its all going to be okay,
A way to say that the sun will always shine
Out of the black heartless night
A way to say
That happiness is almost at your reach
And that you're only a few feet away
From reaching the warm sand
And soaking in
the salty comfortingness of the sea
When you
were once stuck in a blizzard of snow
And now you finally are free
Hope
Is but an illusion
Hope so much your
Mind starts playing tricks on you
Promising you what you yearn for
Yet deep down know you'll never have it
Hope
Is just another way
To drive one insane,
Forever Trying to bring back
What once
was.

He gazes at her
With wide eyes
And his heart of stone
Suddenly doesn't feel as heavy anymore

He has never felt love
But he always did dream of it
A hopeless romantic deep down
But his exterior is as tough as a nail

Everything about her
Makes his heart ache
He pictures his life with her
included in it
Sharing precious memories together
Yet he knows he'll never have her
She will never be his

But he keeps on dreaming

He doesn't know all the words
To every led zeppelin song
So he doesn't sing along with me
While I'm belting out the lyrics
He doesn't idolize jim morrison
He doesn't love stevie nicks
He doesn't listen to johnny cash
He doesn't feed my mind
He can't tell me something
That I don't already know
He doesn't bite his nails
Or lick his lips
He doesn't have long hair
That I can twirl around my finger
He doesn't know
how much I adore my mom
He doesn't know
How much my father has hurt me
He doesn't know
I live solemnly for my siblings
He doesn't know
That I cry at night
Because I hate my appearance
He doesn't know
The little things that make me laugh
He doesn't know
That the shawshank redemption
Is my favorite movie
He doesn't know
That I hate wearing shoes
He doesn't know
Where I've been
Or where I want to go
He doesn't know
i'm a big fish in a small pond
and i'll never make it in the ocean
He doesn't know
all I ever wanted
was to be loved and taken care of

He doesn't know

He's never going to know

But you know

You know

All the words

to every led zeppelin song

I let you in
And with you,
I felt safe
I felt warm
I felt as if I was at home
When I was wrapped in your arms
Life suddenly felt less cruel
And each sunrise
Gave me hope for the future
Our future
Our eternity
But I let you in,
And that's where I went wrong
I trusted you
When I never trusted a soul in the world
And in the end
It backfired on me
You never meant what you said
And here I am left alone
Looking like a fool
I let you in,
I should have never let you in