Sopping pillows sleeping
Dreaming always creeping
the ending is tempting
and unrelenting
words fail
thoughts race
brain for sale
feet pace

too much or not enough
happy medium an unrealized ideal
too much or not enough
only extreme is how i feel
too much or not enough
shades of gray remain
too much or not enough
no color, black and white exclusive
too much or not enough
is one foot off the ledge
too much or not enough
is the gun against my head
too much or not enough
is my tongue run down the knife
too much or not enough
is the story of my life

Order only exists because sometimes randomness is perfect.

Perfection only exists because we believe we deserve it

We believe that we deserve it because the randomness made it perfect.

So perfectly ordered at random is believed to be well deserved.

Chaos births to order unto chaos and back again.

At which point chaos turns to order and says, “whats the ****** point?”

Theres never the right words to describe feeling like I feel, even if the right words existed they would fail to properly define how scared I am for myself and my actions and the results that these poor ******* who love me will have to go through.  The very awareness of my intelligence and my unbelievable fortune are for some reason both my only blessing and ultimate demise because the luckiest man in the world is never content.  Im sick inside, im sure im dying.  Why cant I just start over, I know id do it the same, only maybe id see it earlier, maybe I could spare her the pain she doesn’t yet know is coming.

Coffee at midnight to keep the dreams at bay
The murderous, torturous dreams of yesterday and today
Even the good ones are nightmares instead of dreams
Each one awoken to a sweaty silent scream
From the most beautiful muse to a horrifying specter
From a beauty to behold to a flowers rancid nectar
they all mean something, but im not sure what they say
Coffee at midnight to keep the dreams at bay

it's only deep in the night when my mind wanders most that i ponder why another night of drinking alone is the status quo.  it's when i wonder why the wheel that started spinning so long ago keeps spinning, in the same direction and general speed.  deep in the night is when the doubts and regrets run rampant like rioters through the square, flipping cars amidst flaming tires.  it's when the needs and the wants clash for supremacy, assuring the mutual destruction of each.  loves lost carve their names into my neocortex.  where dreams unrealized fill their time by playing ping-ping until they're ****** from the backburner to manic importance.  deep in the night is when blood-shot eyes and blaring computer monitors have a staring contest.  deep in it, thought becomes reaction and the beans spill accordingly.  knee-deep and we're ravaging the calm into frenzy and burning the books of our beliefs and abandoning rationale in favor of the spectre of immediate gratification at any cost, at any loss.  deep in the night where no light penetrates, things become somehow illuminated.

i look for the same images as i did years ago
they dont seem to exist in my present reality
they were stark, not in contrast but in juxtaposition
they were dark, not in blacks and shadow but in the indifference
and yet through them shone what little light was left in my darkroom
immersed without color, the monochrome marvel left me breathless
to subsist, sans spectrum
i look for the same images as i did years ago
they dont seem to exist from this perspective
im going to start looking harder, under rocks
next to old dusty and rusty lawn and garden tools
behind the stove and in the back of the closet
just dont tell me the beauty is gone
thats a burden im not sure i could shoulder

Knee deep in my poison
The itch unreachable
A light burn, singed lungs
Undoing the never done
Your blank stare
Your soul bare
My bitten lip bleeding
A sweet treat for a hungry brain
A summer breeze and a 90% chance of pain

Tick
The days pass, without my consent it seems, but the hours themselves tick by only slowly enough to make you aware of their existence

Just slow enough to check the clock twice in one minute- a little too quick to remember the time you just checked twice.

With every blink of an eye, a billion seconds pass. And every second brings with it the minutes that drag endlessly into semi-existence.

The void in which numbers are crunched into value, and value placed on the non-existent merely because we are able.
Tock

at least it was sooner than later
at least you never got the chance to hate her
blissfully ignorant and that's the way it'll stay
you couldn't look her in the eyes, what does that say?
it says 'run away, it's more than you can handle'
it says 'run away, before it erupts into scandal'
it says 'stand clear, damaged goods coming through'
it says 'nothing to see here, nothing novel, nothing new'
it says 'for ***** sake, stop being so true'
it says 'no seriously, stop being so you'
it says 'what were you thinking? she thought you were nice'
it says 'she does like you, just not "like like"'
it says 'you better stop believing that your baggage is charming'
it says 'you better stop thinking that your story's not alarming'
it says 'that although your life isn't over, you may still wish it was'
it says 'wishing never solved anything, even with just cause'
it says 'better learn your math'
it says 'you're not the hero'
because any number times you is still zero

I only want to climb tall buildings when im feeling on the ledge
and I live to love the moments looking down before she says
you have so much to live for and that way is the coward's way out
don't panic, look at me in my eyes and lose your doubt
understand that i'm not leaving, that you are what I am about
I am not your past and your future remains unwritten
you try and convince me of your dulled fangs knowing i'm twice bitten
unconvinced of intent, convince me to relent these words written
try harder to give me my false hopes
and i'll string them together to make ropes
and if a close friend decides that he cant cope...

well let us think positive instead of this dread
there is so much to live for, so much left to be written and said
but don't confuse me for an optimist as this is a detail that should not be missed
not only is that glass half-empty, smell this, im pretty sure somebody spit in it

how do you justify a head spun so spun from a virtual verbiage virtually vindicating a long lost ideal supposedly lost in the war, practically lives ago.  closed eyes like picture frames for a face so quickly etched into their very own new and nervous neurons.   novel indeed but hardly new, reminders and reminiscence of made mistakes recovering from the back burner blindside.  yesterdays regrets dont matter much in this dream and a refusal to awaken is the only option.  it's only what you've been waiting for if you recognize it when it passes you by on the boulevard.  Numerous enough are my days for me to understand the importance of open eyes for blinking is risky with this vision.  ice ages have taken hold and regressed since the last time that friendly chemicals werent responsible for such an onslaught of smirks.  the concept of "we", of "us" something subsurface unseen yet present with a strong presence presenting preconceptions upturned and made moot.  you frighten me in the best way.  the best kiss my lips never received, from the pacific with love.  from the sea itself.

one who stole my heart
one who has my mind
one who trashed my soul
all were hard to find
one who tested my patience
one who dressed my wounds
one who nurtured my dreams
one who acts the fool
one who gave me butterflies
one whose look could ****
one who drove me bat-**** crazy
one who loves me still
one who i will never forgive
one whose conscience is clear
one who left and never looked back
one whose face is near
one who never knew me
one who thought they knew better
one who taught me about myself
one cute, one smart, one clever
one i wanted with all my life
one who never noticed
one who is the peaceful pond
and one who is the lotus

Puckered like your sweet and sour apple agitation
drowned down by your wine turned vinegar libation
armed with a guilt-driven sorry that topples nations
made clean of ****** hands bleached self-justification

today is the day that I give it all away
when tomorrow is today I will pray and I will say
if fate is this path, then from this path I will stray

sometimes in lies we often find the truth
sometimes in opinion we often find the proof
sometimes you're only intimate when you're most aloof
every time you watch the clock you feel the loss of youth

today is the day that I gave it all away
when tomorrow is today I will pray and I will say
until yesterday is tomorrow and today is a week from may

don't try and passify, invalidate and spin
don't hesitate, pontificate and everybody wins
don't just focus on the obvious
it's not just me so it must be us
i'll wait in the car, don't make a fuss
until yesterday is tomorrow and today is a bust

There is a time in space from which my past I trace-

And try and place my hate

                                       on just a moment- I own it, its mine and I control it

rewind and fast forward, pause it on the good parts for remembrance

and reminisce

except it’s a pestilence on whats left of it, ravaging calm into frenzy

                                                                         and believers into skeptics

engorged passion pleads for action acting on rage we seek satisfaction only to realize

we are cause

   and reaction

affect the cause directly and cause effect to react steady only if

eyes are open and minds are ready

I fear that doubt trumps hope

Hopefully hope doubts doubt as much as I doubt that it does

There is a time in space from which my past I trace-

And try and place my hate

on just a moment- I own it, its mine and I control it

rewind and fast forward, pause it on the good parts for remembrance

and reminisce

except it’s a pestilence on whats left of it, ravaging calm into frenzy

and believers into skeptics

engorged passion pleads for action acting on rage we seek satisfaction only to realize

we are cause

and reaction

affect the cause directly and cause effect to react steady only if

eyes are open and minds are ready

I fear that doubt trumps hope

Hopefully hope doubts doubt as much as I doubt that it does

What I need and where to get it?
What I want and when to act?
Wheres the answer and who gives it?
When is payday and how do I collect?
When to quit and what is my excuse?
Why I cry and where are the tears?
How do I change and will it be painful?
Can I succeed and in what context?
Where is the enlightenment and will I understand?
Why is the clock quickening and how do I stop it?
Did I miss my opening and will there be another?
Are the colors the same and will I be blinded?
What is the reason and is it good enough?
How does it work and why do we try?
Why do we try?

Walgreens pharmacy girl
your upturned nose and your hair pulled back
here to pick up my prescription and a snack
Walgreens pharmacy girl
Ive been coming here for years
and every time I leave the drive-thru I'm in tears
Walgreens pharmacy girl
For so long, I've loved you from afar
yet still I have no idea who you are
That's Berger, B-E-R-G-E-R
Walgreens pharmacy girl
My date of birth again?  I would have already memorized yours
I'd remember our anniversary, put the toilet seat down and do chores
Walgreens pharmacy girl
Am I anything to you besides another bottle of pills?
I have to know now because not knowing just kills
Walgreens pharmacy girl
Will you refill my prescription for love?
Basking in a pharmaceutical moonlight, under the stars above
Walgreens pharmacy girl
I need a cure for what ails me
You've given me a fever and I'm feeling a bit dizzy
Walgreens pharmacy girl
No, I don't have any questions for the doctor, but I have two for you
What time do you get off?  And what time would you like to?

Ice cold coffee and fresh raw fish
Inspiration and a long, deep kiss
A fire underfoot and a smack in the face
Another explanation and a quickened pace
A muse with words to stoke the soul
Drugs and *** and rock and roll
One long year to rewind
That girl with a boys name to call mine
A darker pair of shades
A cutters cutting blades
Reverse from black to fades
All debt to be repaid
Time for reflection
A new direction
And a ******* hole in the head

The light is as sweet as her lips to mine
but your sun dont shine on me
As soft as a flower petal dancing in the sky
but your sun dont shine on me
A feather floating on a breeze
A songbird singing in the trees
but your sun dont shine on me
Pure like lovers first glance
True like warriors last stance
and your sun dont shine on me