Every road
Every path
Every step
Led me to you.
Now
Every road
Every path
Every step
Leads me away.

Where does a snowflake end
And the snowpack begin?
One assumes the individuality of the snowflake is conserved
But I watch it disappear within moments of contacting the others.
Is that what will happen to me?

You always kept me waiting
and your skiving left me blue...
I stopped creating a masterpiece
because I was painting it for you.

A glimmering white stone flickered
in the depths of a murky snow melt pool
tucked behind a mess of brambly bushes
and surrounded by pine.
A man stepped into the frigid water
His handsome reflection (distorted by ripples) drew closer
as he reached in and plucked the stone from the muddy floor.
By inspection he noted its apparent imperfections
that hadn’t been visible from the surface
It was wrapped in cracks that had filled with dirt and grime.
“I thought you were perfect.”
He grumbled with dismay
and began picking the dirt from the cracks with his fingernails
which themselves became ***** and ragged from the effort.
He cursed and pulled a brush from his bag
And began to incessantly scrub.
The brush made the surface of the lustrous stone shine brilliantly
Yet seemed to force the dirt deeper into the cracks
So he reached for a needle
And began sliding it through,
scraping the stubborn grime.
His face wrinkled in acrimonious disgust
when his needle broke against it.
“I cannot enjoy a stone so riddled with undesirable scars!”
He scoffed
“I will find a better stone elsewhere,
One that is clean and pure.”
And he tossed the stone back into the pool.
(  ( ( ((plop)) ) )  )

Years later, a wanderer covered in scratches and dirt
stepped softly to the pool
and bent down for a much needed drink.
The stone dimly peeked from under a layer of silt and slimy algae.
He curiously reached in
and pulled it from the mud.
Rolling it over in his hands, he smiled and sighed
“Oh, beautiful stone
Once without contusions
but now weathered by the world.
You have survived trauma and time,
Yet still shine
so magnificently.”

He brought the stone toward his heart
and continued over the mountain pass,
Smiling pleasantly at the storm ahead.

The surrounding crowd rocked into us
Knocked into us
But we sweetly swayed
Like two soft rose petals riding the wind
Our collision was a soft embrace.

A forced, facsimiled smile
crept upon my weary face
to help construct the wall between us
although its design is in poor taste.

It’s as if mankind colluded
albeit leaving out few and far between
to create a solipsistic kingdom ruled by masks
while truth lay dormant in the unseen.

Should I shatter the aporia
That occludes our interaction
Or propitiate the insipid bond we share
to neither of our satisfaction?

****... I need some coffee.
- - - —— - - - —— - - -

You were woven into my dreams
       and still are
   the rain trickling down the windshield of the van
     and the grey light shining through the dream-catcher.


         ...     ...     ...


        I couldn't determine
    your true wants and needs
   so I thought best to give you
     what I felt in my dreams.

Passing fermented elixir
eyes lit with understanding
and sharp with interest,
the friends exchanged conversation
beating to the rhythm of their hearts.
Candle glow danced on their faces

Under the infinite zenith they
Whispered sweet aphorisms into each other’s ears
sprinkling giggles across the otherwise sleepy silence.
Voracious lips rode the edge of continence
causing delicate beads of sweat to coruscate
in the glow of the stars.

Melancholy monologue of times long gone
Promises of won’t be long
Dark fluffs swollen with imminent rain fall
brushing delicate fingers through grass
tickling out whispers of I miss you and please come back

You were my mate
Running through the wild with me
Like two wolves eternally bonded.
Every time there was a rift between us
I trusted you to come back
And you always did
But this time is different.
This time I am calling across the valley for you
But there is no sound coming back
Not even the echo of my own longing cries
Only a despairing silence that rings my ears
And a frigid wind that blows through my heart
I keep thinking you will come through the trees,
To lean against me once more
Every crack of a twig I turn in hopeful anticipation
Only to see my shadow
without yours by its side.

Tears that fall
tend to the past that lies below
What used to be corrosive weight
is now nutrients
providing energy
to my blooming soul
The fire that used to burn bridges
cleared the way for new growth
There is no shield over my heart
my heart has become my shield
and the sword that I wield
as I ride toward the great eastern sun.

I was left to re-evaluate
the perception of what I mean to you,
That you can read, understand
      and honor my soul
yielding intuition of what we’ve been through.
The energy of my being transmitted momentum to yours
       Yet I speculate that you felt the same..
Would you come if you heard my heart howl to yours,
Or would you somehow lose track of my name?

Consumed by the wild,
it is easy to feel lonely
and completely vulnerable
An entirely new set of threats await
except one that followed:
your mind.
wrested from the intoxicating distracting buzz of civilization
The psyche is forced deep into the landscape
Truth beckons from the shadows with yearning wolf eyes
Intuition coiled
ready
to spring forth and devour the heart of misconceptions.

I am somewhere between
the lines of refined crystalline
and decaying detritus
but much closer still
to the mud of this hill
and the rotting tree
that I see
before me.

You are worthy
You are quite worthy
Please never doubt that you are.
I just can't bring myself
to give my full heart
to any
one
person
[not once have you ever asked for this;
thank you for not asking for this].
Rather, bit by bit
I share it
with the ones I love,
the souls I cherish most.
A chunk of it
rests in your palms
but the fire inside me
swallows all that is left,
fueling the quest
to achieve my personal legend
[It seems so far off, I may die trying].

My mind quite loves
to dance with yours
But its dreams
and aspirations
never cease to take hold
and twirl it away.
Too much thought
on any
one
person
makes it writhe toward a shift
to conserve focus
for its drive to absorb
any and all
knowledge it can
to change the world
while it still has time
[I know you are rooting for me].

My body quite loves
to feel the tranquil warmth
tender caress
flurry of insouciant kisses
oozing laughter
chills and thrills
lulling pets
and grounding breaths
of yours.
But sharing it too much
letting you in
too often
inherently pulls energy
that would otherwise be used
to fly.
Precious energy
retained, guarded
but some of which
has been reserved
for you
[Even when I had intended to cut off all energy toward romance for a long time].  

My soul quite loves
the connection we've woven.
Special, like few others
but also special
completely on its own
generously respected
and
entirely worthy
of preservation  [hence sharing this poem].
But my soul quite loves
many other things as well,
all equally as deserving
of its glow
[sometimes it seems like there is so little light left in this world].

My stomach [quite heavily]
drops
at the thought
of pushing you away.
So please stay [it didn't feel like you were leaving, but I still had to ask]
and cherish the pieces
I have to give
[seeing the spark of gratitude in your eyes makes me humbly blush].
It is not all of me
but it is all I can
possibly
muster
at this time.
I bestow them to you
because
you are worthy.

I wear a broken watch sometimes
to remind us that our life
is subject to the fourth dimension
regardless of daily strife.

I wear a broken watch sometimes
because we’re told time is of the essence!
yet regardless of space-time coordinates
energy and matter dance through coalescence.

I wear a broken watch sometimes
because one day we will die
every fiber of our being will disintegrate
regardless of the time.

I wear a broken watch sometimes
because now is all we perceive
time carries us through events unfolding,
but when is subject to relativity.

I wear a broken watch sometimes
so when we touch we're sure to know
time is the medium we ride
that placed me by your side
and gave us a reason to grow.

]i think it is time to release
from my mind
and my heart and being
i cannot keep this spending and slipping from
my heart and my being
cant keep lying to myself that i
need or want somebody else
i want to shed all these vices but
must first escape what entices
do i
even know what those nights entail
can i
escape from the box i've constructed
it was easier without these chemicals
testing my brain bashing its mighty sails
if i cant express myself i will
just **** myself
justkill myself

Skidding to a halt
at the brink of collapse
I peered out
over the edge
into
sheer oblivion
then turned around, quick as I could
and frantically screamed to the rest of my species
"DON'T PROCREATE!!"

Had I studied your palms
a little longer,
gotten to know every crease
every scar,
chiseled an indelible memory
putting Roman sculptures to envy
I'd might better have known
who you are.

I don’t wish to be celebrated...
only understood.
Apparently being beautiful
won’t do me much good.

Tonight
two men told me they love me:
One wanted something he was struggling to find
and had never matched hearts with mine before
The other gouged my heart little more than a year ago
and of whose most basic need I took care of
                 [water]
      without any hesitation
      in a home unfamiliar to both of us,
the first time in each other’s true company
since our dolorous unravelment.

“I love you.”

Neither reflected genuine inclinations, nor hint of veracity
Meant absolutely nothing by it
Both of which rendered me wearily calling out to the abysmal sky
only to be left in marmoreal stillness
      and evanesce into the shadow
      cast by the waning moon.

Last night I had a dream
In my arms was my beautiful newborn
but it kept throwing up
profusely
painfully
uncontrollable
It couldn't stop.
I turned around for one moment
frantically looking for something, anything
to help my dying child
and just like that
it choked
and was gone.

The night before that
I was ***** by an acquaintance
No matter how hard I fought
He overpowered me
I begged him
pleaded with him
to at least use protection
He disregarded and continued.
All I wanted to do after
was warn the other woman who was there
But he wouldn't grant us any privacy.
Finally, a chance arose
and I told her:
"If you ever have a dream about someone you know,
if you have a dream they **** you,
heed your intuition.
Do not question.
Better safe than destroyed."
I woke up with a slight start
but blanketed in a strange sense of peace
bleeding, as only a woman can
grounded with Gaia.

You see a girl, a running girl
You see her running, you don't know why
"What is she running from?" you ask
She's running from her cage, her life.
She's an untamed spirit, but she's stuck here
drowning in her agony
What cruel force holds her down
when all she wants is to be free?
She's lost all hope, lost all meaning
her pain is deep and sewn inside her
She can't fight back, and cannot hide
So she runs
      she keeps running, running.
Her heart is thumping, aching, screaming
like it'll explode and leave her twitching
Pointless crying, harming, hurting
The cuts she's made just keep on itching
Tears are trickling, dripping softly
off her wrinkled, anguished face
To herself she's nothing
       nothing
She views herself as a disgrace.
Her parents love her, her friends say the same
but she believes they're liars
       liars
Their promises are never kept
they're unpredictable fliers, fliers.
She's lost all hope, lost all meaning
Her pain is deep and sewn inside her
She can't fight back, she cannot hide
So she runs
She keeps running, running
What can she do? There's no solution
Only one way out, it's dying
     dying
She's attempted many times before
But now she's tired of so much trying
That girl is stuck in her hell of living
she cannot hide, there's no way out
So she continues on with running
She won't complain, she will not pout
She's lost all hope, lost all meaning
Her pain is deep and sewn inside her
She can't fight back, she cannot hide
So she runs
      She keeps running, running
She sees the cliff, the end is near
She runs right off that dreadful ledge
She leaps right into open air
Her last deep breath was at the edge
No one will catch her
She's falling
     falling
Falling out of sync with life
It's too late to save her
    she's dying
                 dying
The rocks, they slice her like a knife
But she's no longer falling!
She's flying!
            Soaring!
Her soul bursts up like a mighty bird
She leaves behind a piercing silence
Her final words were never heard
She kept on flying, until she reached a place
A place of peace, free of misery
Now she runs above the clouds
At last, sweet bliss
She's finally free.
The only thing to do is run
It's the only way to free her mind
She's running with the wind, the breeze
Never stopping to look behind
As she runs, she feels lighter
Like a load has lifted off
Running frees her from herself
So she runs,
  She'll never stop.

This is how
    I want
    to hold you:
Third eyes locked
         hearts unsheathed
Listening to chirps
     fluttering softly
onto the tips
        of the dew
                   below.

Amaurotic to the hint of our
                        inclinations
or the gestation of deeper
                        stirrings
Anomalous deviancies quintessential of such dimly solaced hearts
                        took over
and we were once more
                        human.

I too wanted to run, to live on the fringe of this deteriorating civilization,
Forfeit all my potential to make a lasting difference, to contribute myself in the hopes of reversing our destruction.
Running could still be rationalized. There are many opportunities to help along the road.
I've seen professional travelers fight for visited lands they love as if it were their own,
Here and there a wanderer scatters interactions of love, strength and hope,
Still positive impacts not to be discarded.
But that isn't my dream.
I couldn't wander, knowing that this world has a time limit, knowing that the sway of ignorance is getting stronger and more destructive with each passing day.
I couldn't resign the fate of this planet, in all its magnificence and glory, to the hands of the fallen.
Gaia needs valiant warriors to fight the good fight,
to ward her of these imbeciles and restore what is sacred.
I will still journey amongst the trees
Climb mountains, chase the rising sun.
But unfortunately, for now this planet cannot afford the loss of another guardian,
distracted by the dwindling bounty being stolen by estranged hands
who will never receive the full human experience because they never allowed themselves the gift of humility and awe.

Please understand
This is out of my control
Slipping though my fingers like the wholeness I had before he ransacked my temple
and shattered my only jewel.
Nauseating shame
Embarrassment at the failure to hide such weakness
Whilst knowing none of this is a reflection of my lack of strength
A triumphant survivor, a warrior, stripped to a feeble state...

Victim.

Not again.
Lacking empowerment and support, I shrivel
Violently collapsing upon myself.
Self destruction.
That glow in my eyes resembles a star
Imploding
Until my blank stare into the expanse of the past ricochets back the flashback
With more hold on the light in me than a black hole could ever achieve.
I'd rather fake lightness
Than feel the weight I bear compress you too.
This is my burden
I never want it to be yours,
But need so desperately
For you to feel it too.
Please understand
I cannot carry this on my own
Knowing this panic is irrational according to the present setting
Yet is so real to me otherwise.
Still broken, I flinch at anything resembling a threat
Even if yesterday it was neutral
Or even pleasant.

Blue-eyed girl, why is it that you cry your soft tears?

I cry when the darkness consumes me
Its tenebrous mouth devours my glimmering being
With spindly hands immersing my heart in a well that travels down down down too far.
A maze of rotting algid bowels benumb me,
Paralyzed by its poison sludge
That clogs my breath and silences the drum that pounds inside me.
If I could flee
I would.
But instead I am bound by the caustic chains of fear.

Oh blue-eyed girl, does that make you weep?

I weep, I sob
in a tumultuous wave of agonizing gratitude
When a pure and beaming body sets ablaze the darkness and climbs in with me.
I only weep when illuminated.
I save my heaviest tears for the light.

Who am I to say there is no god
To say the world is lost
To destroy the hope others found through an enduring light they see in all beings
Who am I to assume that I determine the past and future
I do not decide the past and future.
Who am I to say you are wrong, or to think I am right
Who are we to argue the existence of a higher power none of us could ever fathom
Who are we to say we have proof! Proof that there is no god!
Did we create the universe? Do we make the sun shine, stars twinkle, galaxies dance, waves tumble, or the wind blow?
Who are we to say that our proof is proof of anything, or try to prove nothing!
Who are we to tie a bow on our beliefs, thinking only our own is the end all be all of life
Who are you to say anything
You know nothing.
We know nothing.
Tell me what you think you know, but first tell me all that you do not know
Tell me all your exponential failings of knowledge,
Or tell me that you know nothing, that we know nothing
Only then will you be wise,
Only then do you know something.

All I see before me is a fetid landscape of doomed souls
From the effervescent innocence of a glistening newborn
To the impetuous adolescent, entangled in their irrelevant problems
Lingering is the rancid smell that incessantly itches my nose,
making my face shrivel with disgust, loathing the stench of seven billion multiplying bodies awaiting their time to rot.
This fatal malediction is inevitable, yet we passionately resist with futile actions
Playing god with our machines, frantically hoping they will keep us alive, begging for the extension of our due date
When truly, they just enervate our capacity to enjoy the time bestowed upon us
Only a blink
Life is the longest thing we will ever experience
Unless a revelation occurs, unless we let go absolutely,
Unless we surrender
We will simply remain the malcontent children of calamity,
Fueling the fire to our own demise.

Flecks of greens and blues glisten and glow
Tiny shards scattered
Parting into lulling waves of gritty pebble ashes
Little specks touched by souls who reside beyond the horizon
Or perhaps beyond where flesh can travel.
Who touched this smoothed transparent crumb
Besides the vast blankets of briny deep that swept it from there to here?
My fingers imprint themselves as I toss it back into the water.
Now I too can go beyond the fading horizon, and join those who were similarly touched by the remnants of material being.

My heart dives
As I realize
I have the power
To destroy lives

I can create just as well
No need to raise hell

I have the power

Painting the vivid spectrum of thought
Onto paper
Mysteries of the mind elegantly displayed in composition of letters
Sprawled across a napkin
Or tap tap tapped stamped imprinted to a screen
Then swept away forever for all to see
For all to read curiously as the poets, the artists, the dungeon masters of the mind
Dissect you
How did they know?

Tip toe up the carpet steps
Open the portal to where you rest
We lay here sometimes
Hearts intertwined
Souls unwind
Your eyes are a mirror, do I always look this serene?

Barren
Desolate
Meandering dirt path parts and expands infinitely into the horizon
No signs, only distrusted intuition
Turn back to the past and be trapped forever
Continue forward on an unknown path and risk the future
Sit still forever and be ******
Tumultuous change is never avoided
Forceful trudge onward with unrelenting steps
Then yet another **** crossroads is met.

Melancholy pour
Wash away my binding fears
Make life reappear

Seeping thickly into turgid veins
Firecracker fingertips tingle
Then fall numb
Snare drum heart beats sporadically off rhythm
That which does not move to music is sick indeed
Breath like an asphyxiated rabbit with eyes popping
Flood of dreadful thoughts with no Moses to part the raging seas
Nothing can save you now
You are in the grips
And it just
Won't
Stop.
Please stop.

Transform me into a tenacious tree
Rooted in perennial love
Intricately twisting up towards light
With mangled arms swaying sturdily
Always stretching
Always reaching higher for the golden enchanting clouds
I will grasp them
And be cradled by the sky
From there, I will emerge as an eagle
Nomadic and noble
Guided by the wind maneuvering me to secluded, distant dreams
Meandering, I become a river
Powered by the silky snow fallen from the heavens
Drifting though the backwoods where contented souls reside
Until eventually pouring all of me into the vast sea of conciousness
Where all are free

Pride, the most elusive slayer of my humanity,
Severing connections because I am better than you, or worse than you,
Because I know more,
Or I know less.
In a tomb of my own creation, I'm screaming for help
Frantically clawing at the walls but pride clasps my mouth shut.
No one can hear me.
It seeps into my inner dialogue, attacking each thought,
A lethal virus whose only cure is vulnerability.

Dull murmurs commenced as some rose and some lingered
in the established court.
The dense wood doors swung heavily open with a sigh of stale air,
their wrought-iron hinges creaking sharply, the sound reverberating down the empty halls
save all but one,
a young miss who sat up with the muffled movement and shuffles of feet exiting the formerly private session.
Shivering with anticipation she searched for an answer the the eyes of the deciders
who had meticulously reviewed her with great care but little abandon.
All avoided her eyes, not advertently,
just simply unaware of her own perceived significance,
regardless that the decision  so recently made was a direct judgement of her in particular.
Finally, a court clerk caught eyes with her, by intention rather than chance.
At his approach her chin lifted in question
awaiting his word.
"The judgement was unanimous," he softly spoke.
"They determined you are worthy of love and forgiveness."
She collapsed under the wave of her gratitude
as the clerk purposefully shuffled away.
She was left alone in the corridor,
and as she rose her heart rose too,
while her tears of joy fell to the earth
sprouting freedom with each drop.

You made me hate my blonde hair.
I heard the natives say hair is an extension of the soul
Mine flows like a silk river spilling over my shoulders and trickling down my back tenderly.
Regularly I pile it on my crown in a petite bun that swirls like the shell of a stubborn hermit crab
Or braid it and am suddenly Heidi of the Alps, in the eyes of my mother at least,
and can scale any mountain.
Apollo and Helios command rays be cast through so it glows as would soft fields of  golden prairie grass,
a meadow of protection for the baby blue butterflies I so adore.
You made me hate my blonde hair.
It fell around your face when we kissed under the stars
A curtain shielding us from bleak mortality for a moment, formed by my mighty branches lazily swaying in our exhilarated breaths.
I love to pretend I'm a weeping willow, my favorite, when playing with my sisters' children
Who lay giggling uncontrollably while my long, slender golden foliage wisps around their faces, teasing them into drunkingly reaching up
Playfully tangling their infant hands whose little tugs could never hurt.
It is truly a blessing to shepherd such pure joy to new souls.
You made me hate my blonde hair.
The golden blanket that adheres to my cheeks between sobs
and dries my tears,
That is brightened by sun kisses that stain uneven highlights;
It seems as my soul becomes lighter, my hair follows suit.
You vehemently expressed my utter perfection
beautiful, selfless, true.
To myself I thought,
        Finally! Someone to share this soul with!
But you have a thing about blondes...
You made me hate my blonde hair.