Tomorrow, I will wake up early
I will walk outside and feel the same sun that lit your eyes through my bedroom windows, and I might be sad
I will get in my car and listen to your playlist, and I might think of you
Tomorrow, I am taking myself to the art museum
I will walk, thoughtfully, through the galleries through which we dreamed of twirling, and I might cry at the art to which you compared me
But I will smile to myself as I imagine the life we almost had, and the lives we will have
Separately, successfully
Tomorrow, the first song we listened to together will be the song I hum in the shower, and it might make my heart hurt
But it might not
You’re a good memory, and if that is all I can have then
Tomorrow, I will happily live with that

Someone asked about my tattoo in a bar bathroom and I swore she was you
She put her hand on my arm and traced the shapes that you helped heal
I wanted to fall onto her mouth like I fell onto yours

She was a thrifted sweater and denim and jersey knit sheets
Pizza breath and red wine and toothpaste
Alabaster skin and knotted hair and freckled shoulders
A tangible dream and my favorite good morning
She agreed to let me kiss her and I agreed to let her slip my shirt over my head before she became
Blood and tears
"I trusted you" and "I’m sorry"
Midnight poems and a drunk "I need you"
I’m afraid I loved you like the way I wrote

Every time you’ve lied to me, you’ve done it because I let you
Because I always know when you’re embellishing your thoughts or sparing my feelings and being untruthful
I knew
When you told me that you weren’t like her
That you wouldn’t hurt me
That you’d be here
That you wanted to protect my heart and shower me with kisses and shower with me and hold me until it didn’t hurt anymore
That I was safe with you
I knew
When you said that it was purely physical with her
That it was such a small thing
That you were hung up on me
I knew
And I let it happen
Because being alone
Being without you
Was so much worse than the tidal wave of pain I knew would come after taking your lies until you got tired and until I got comfortable with how so so pretty they were
I knew that it would all come crashing down
And yet I was still one breath from telling you I loved you

Call me by your name and I’ll call you an old lover because when I kiss you I’m always thinking that it’s the last time. I’m always thinking of how we’ll run into each other years from now and ask if any of this happened the way we remember and I’ll say I’m afraid so. I’m afraid so.

Call me by your name and I’ll call you by my father’s so when you breathe wine-stained love into my mouth, I’ll remember that you only love me when you’re drunk and you won’t remember your promises in the morning

I'd never seen anyone look more beautiful at 4 am
Maybe it's because we were both squinting and a little tired, but she looked like an angel
And I'd never loved her more