You dont understand Chris
You are the best thing for me
You are a collection of dusty white illusions, desires, love on window panes
the color and tinge of which I am so excitable about
putting up in our new home
your face inspires me to write
like the angels
your face inspires me to be free
the compassion,
if only you knew less,
and more of how much it makes me
sad
because you relinquish the love in my heart
by
folding it half in half, half in half
till there is nothing for the world to be seen
reverted back to where I've been
touched by an untouch
closed
because all of the love that I've known
is not tangible
never tangible enough

I've waited months
I've waited near a year

because how can someone own up to all my dreams
materialize them as all I see
need me
but not enough to enter into security
the commitment of short chance
the security of knowing nothing will always last
and that doesnt make me seem bitter
feel bitter
in the upturned corners of my heart
its that something
something keeps you from rolling into me
something to conceal yourself from me
its not what you want
its not what you feel

if that's the case then why cant I leave?
why cant I walk my spirit out of your life
without you noticing every detail
without some sadness in my wake?
because you want to brush your angelic knuckles across my streaming skin
because you need my mind to guide you, to get inside you
because you dont know
but you like it when you touch me
you talk to me like a concerned parent in your sleep
when I'm fine
quiet, assuming of the worst
because this would, and was the very first
that he's all that he projected himself to be
he loves, and so tenderly, so carefully, so fully
so it makes sense
that he wont give of himself to an item that includes me
and its not me,
you say honestly
but you cant say it isnt you
your perceptions
of what are boundaries
and zipties
isnt true
I'm not like your women
I know what it means to love

I give you air, I give you breath
I give you laughter, and the wind
I give you earth, I give you security
I give you pools to soothe your ridgid mind, to let the heaviness sink and be left behind
a place to allways land, to always fall
EVen when you loose your precious mind
Always know I'd be there to closely follow behind
I give you understanding
I give you your genious
because I have enough of it to not take yours for mine
I know what it means to love
I know what it takes to love you
even if you dont know, its true

mixed up beautiful man
just silence yourself and lets walk away
hand in hand
because I wont take up half your bed
I wont make you build a second-life
from the lies you have to tell your parents on behalf of me
and I wont kick and scream when time comes for life to carry you away from me
and I wont put taxes on my body, because if its my land
you can have it freely
and I wont tell you one thing, then judge you based on another
I wont follow you around the house
I wont take your money
or make you pay my way
because you are darling to me, because both you and I are different from they

you may permit me in
we make exotic dishes of laughter and shared values
over talk of philosophic rapport
childish banter
and gestures of tender philanthropy on each finger tip
on every pressed lip
but you wont give me a key
though it's where I live
this is my home, you've made it so, just for me
you showed me in
you courteously carried my persona into your door
you do me the greatest of services
those that would make any soul well-lived
if I removed any trace of my exsistance you would despair
as you have
but you refuse to give me a key
and without it, it makes it as though you dont really,
actually,
want me
and what most anguishes my mind
is that I always gingerly close the door from the outside
if it werent for my soft touch, and attentive eyes
I'd have reason to believe that something is wrong with me
or my love
when, seemingly, it was made to our advantage
I do the best to support your virtues
and those that disturb the peace
This is where my belongings know their place
This is my home
where I linger after I wake
where I loose myself in the silence
where I drink myself into a stuppor
because my lover wont give me a key
You leave me broken up
but you gather my peaces by light of kindness
You don't understand, I'm hitting a wall
I'm hitting your good heart
your good, muddled, heart
I'm hitting a wall
a hard hard evaluation
of a disturbing
heart-to-heart
of which I never learned of

I'm your free-love woman
and I'd be your free-love woman
if I didn't I waaaaaant yoooou
I love you with everything I got
every candle stick, plate, and mirror I've salvaged
and I'd be your martyr
if I didnt somewhere in the back of my mind
waaaaaant yoooou
y'see lover
I have alot of love to give
that I'm swallowed alive
by those unrepresented in our unprecedented love
The same thing that reprells me baby
brings my heart on stone table, to you
yoooou
yoooou
and I wish it were true
that my service
wasnt a diservice to our love
I wish my chaste love didnt corrupt the good things between us
but you give me the freedom
that makes me want to possess you, by any vague understanding of the word
you give me the respect
that makes me want to disrespect your wishes
you give me the understanding
that makes me ignore your meaning
You arent a veneer
and god I hope you arent just a moment
because I wont have no other choice but to use that moment to cry for all the years
without you to experiance my love, to animate my love, to understand my love
because you get a treasured vulnerable piece of me
that nobody, nobody will ever be wise enough to touch, if to see at all
and it bothers me that those after you
to receive my bits and pieces
because they arent like you. they aren't big enough for the whole thing
wont know who
made it possible
one man, that knew how to hold me at arm and shoulders length
because he knew I needed love, I needed to be touched, I needed my meaning to be felt, I needed to be fed, I needed to be understood, she needed her abstract ingenious to be solved
he wanted, he needed to be that man
and he wouldn't sabotage that with his insecurity or needs
in the way I sabotage our love
for mine

I hate my heart
It keeps tallies of those it's come in contact with
it never forgets
it always lives in every moment of its existence
there is no past present or future in my heart
it is disillusioned
it allways loves
allways hurts
allways trusts
but never knows how to be unforgiving
I hate my heart
it is blind
it allways feels
it controlls my very being
It allways leads
it allways fights
It loves the fleeting
I hate my heart
because it never stops
and when it does
I will find peace in feeling nothing

I am a dreamer
my mind is always dreaming
silence please
as the imagry flows over me, an artist at work
a spiritual master
dreams keep me strong
I am strong so long as I'm able to dream
it makes me weak in the heart
keeps me from folding apart
Dreaming is my ave. Maria
she is always with me, in my heart
dreaming is my messiah
dreaming is my salvation
it leads me where to go
helps me to recognize and to know
it is the breeze that brings me upon the desires and wishes of my heart
containign all that I know
a message I like to impart
it preaches on where forth, I should go
Dreaming is the ideal
it is the amniotic fluid
Dreaming alerts me to the presence of the creator
as they are present in myself
dreaming as would a child
helps me hold onto my light
dreaming as would a lover
enderaing and selfless at first sight
dreaming as does a mother
with endless love and all that is good and right
dreaming as would a spiritual leader
with pure divine insight, from which my actions recite
dreaming protects me from worry and woes
but it gives me an empathetic soul
The power of go
dreaming, causes illusion, to stille my saddness
give meaning and worth to the poor
helps my mindful intentions to soar

Call me fox and I will call you Jaguar

I normally walk the paths
gawking at every creature I pass
squawking loudly, regurgitating my wisdom distastefully
I spoke like coyote
foolisly
I continued on my way, in hopes of a creature large and as fearsome
as fearsome as you
Jaguar
to strike respect and fear into my heart and my actions
so that my meaning would not be soiled by my uncomely behavior
as I stalked you for days on the forrest floor
looking, watching your muscles flow over your skeleton
in a magestically dangerous motion
You can feel me
in the place all creatures feel, sense, and connect
as one
there is unspoken understanding between you and I
oh powerful warrior
and I am to know my place
in the order
you are beautiful and fascinating to me
a worthy objective on my walk
you are a specimen of the wonder of the world
of the god-like integrity and compassion
that penetrates the soul
you leave the marrow intact within the bone
for me to treasure
for my mouth to salivate and consume in haste
but in awe of the judgement you pass
the power bestowed unto you without a single act of self rightousness
we sleep on the same earthen bed
we dream from the same deep sleep
we touch, our stories, our tales of survival
they reach one another intuitively
and so long as I mind my place
silence my ego
I will forever walk beside you, following in your gracious example
as we venture deep with in the forrests density
living vicariously beside one another

I was once a ravenous creature
bit by the words of my upbringers
generations of lies
I was once one of those ravenous creatures
of whom I despise
but I've learned to find my freedom, without cutting all my ties
to the ones I love (I was once a ravenous creature)
to their love  
I've retreated into the deep forrests of my tears
in contemplation I've laid rest, all my compulsive fears
I know my stengths, but I also know my weakness
I am better attuned to this inner dialog, attuned to its inner uniqueness
I was once a ravenous creature
bit by the words of my upbringers
generations of lies
I was once one of those ravenous creatures
of whom I despise
of which I empathize