Its been far too long
Since I was left to learn to love myself
What did you expect
If I cant love anyone else
You never once told me love is like a song
That if I whistle or hum
It doesn't matter if I woodwind or drum
Someone will play along
I played to my heartbeat
But the arrhythmia was wrong

But Im a rogue line stuck in the refrain
Coda
Im a rogue line stuck in the refrain
Coda, Coda? [Jim, take out the bottom and reverb]
And I feel it in my pulse
I know that I'm alone
Stuck between my teeth
Its no wonder I cant speak.

In every block you hit,
You turned me into coin
When I burn it down, every pitfall
Couldn't catch that vine
The 8-bit ******* was meant to die

Put up with every danger
Too many times to be clean
I bleached blood off my sheets
From our injuries
I invited "you" to inflict on me

And for all my knowledge
Brought by books and bruises
"You" unrequited me... why?
Justify an existence when no one should be this..
In every "the end" you leave me...
Lady Chatterly...
My conscience cant decide
Who suffered more in this

I can not convince you
I'm the one you're looking for
You will always look me over
Like the Ducky you must ignore
You cant be persuaded
I was better left for dead
But you still find me
Dig-dug me up to bind me
In our "pet" semmatary
I cannot imagine
The suffering you've survived
To be patient enough
To surprise me.

One day when the photographs start to fade
We'll look on the patina
And reflect
"At least we made them"
"Maybe they'll be better than us"
We'll say, to the Polaroids and our progeny
And they will be our legacy
Reflections of you and me
Tattered negatives of wishes
Viewfinder images of the kids
I wont live long enough to leave

Stained curtains and ruined sheets
Stained curtains and ruined sheets
Stained curtains and ruined sheets

Only because
Only when
You could love me.

I had heart surgery when I was 38, OK
I was actually 37 but somehow 38 sounds better
As if those few extra months arent walking me to my demise
I didnt expect to live past 20 so I've been on borrowed time
For the last 10 years I've been an alcoholic
Misanthropic, and full of vitriol
Sometimes you made me laugh but I get why you dont call
Some days I can forget you, sometimes I cant at all
Its been two years since you ghosted and somedays I still wake up and wonder why
Then I look in the mirror and I know that you were right
For all the pain and how much I bury the dark
You saw right through me and knew that I was lost
And things arent good now but they're getting better
I keep searching for a new you and a way to be put together
You were the glue that stuck the little pieces
Im a ******* humpty dumpty and all the kingsmen cannot retrieve me
So I keep moving forward because I dont know what else to do
I have sleepless nights soaked in sweat and I'm askew
Its hard to go to work buried in anxiety and depression
If I believed in god I'd be asking what's the lesson
6 more years until I return to the last place I was happy
I hope somebody wants to join that adventure
I spend too much time in my feels and know I'm sappy
I'm too pragmatic and know I'm a bad investment
Im a middle aged angry alcoholic
I stay up late hoping somebody will call
But I wont answer my phone, I dont deserve to feel alright
I've stolen hours from too many others and I am on borrowed time

I see threads
Leftover tokens
From where she wept
And you keep giving side-eyed energy
As if you weren't the one to leave

And I remember each sad line
Read from her diary
Every time
Reaching out
Desperate to breathe

I've known more than
A thousand sunrises,
Ruined by sunsets
And a hundred melodies
Ruined by your need to leave

When we met
Bards and satire were unequipped
You breathe deep
Life into all of your stories...


I keep trying to find my worth
And I haven't found its place just yet
Somewhere destined for your memory

And someday when youre asleep
Long after you've forgotten me
I will remain, alive
Within your damp sheets

And you can be brought
To screaming through the night
But the ride of your life
Will die with me
Your favored enemy.

I keep coming up to that line
And I cross it every time
Because you cant force yourself to regret
What you dont know about you yet
Its taken everything from me
Stolen every one of my beliefs
But when everything's empty
You are finally honest

Let the pain rise
Like a tidal wave
When you survive
Its a good night
Let your feet wash in the undertow

I keep chasing that horizon
The just over yonder
Through forests and the fields
And wherever I wander
In every ancient ruin
I get why they stopped moving
Not ***** traps to behead
We just don't deserve the knowledge yet

Let the pain rise
Look to the skies
Sacrifice a ******
Maybe we'll be worthy
To keep crossing the line
Chasing the divine
Maybe its a sign
That we haven't found it yet

Let the waves rise
Like a tidal wave
Erasing all our mistakings
And giving new life
To the same flawed morons
Who will disappoint us everytime
Who are we to have survived
When we keep
Crossing the line

Someday you'll remember me
And it will have felt like mistaught chemistry
But when you struggle to not forget my name
Know that I'll be doing us the same
And the Once Upon a Time that could've been ours
With hookers, blackjack, and cigars
Disappeared instead into fractured memory
A faded name you just cant quite see

I wrote you love songs before we met
And you don't really even know me yet
But before too long you'll bail on me
A tryst turned joke I don't find funny
But for all the times you rose and fall
And I changed my sheets
You'll forget them all
A memory just left with me...
Amnesia is my jealousy

You always said I talk too much
I cared too much for it to be not enough
I'd never be your goth girlfriend
Wrong equipment
And too out of trend
But despite your flaws
I was willing to fall
I bared my own and offered a few more...

But you fall, I fall, we all fail
We fall apart, we want and hail
We want different things
The age and all... it didn't need to look like this.

And someday you might remember me
I could've been your next catastrophe
Or left me be to my bitter cynical destiny.

The kids were singing
Jesus Saves
But I must have missed him when he came
I probably passed out on alcohol
Or hit my head and had a fall
But what was left when I woke
Doesnt feel like love at all

I just cant get around it in my mind
Those winged cowards left us behind
If this is whats left of life now
I hope that heaven keeps me out

Have a tap dance party on my grave
**** it, do some drugs, throw a rave
So sing along as I scream and shout
The world's gone deaf
And we're gonna drown

And I dont want hell to let me in
Not that Im above or better than sin
But ash to ash and dust to dust
Best better bet to let my body rust

The kids were singing
Jesus Saves
I'd rather gamble with the devil
If he comes my way
Im no angel to rise or fall
I dont want anything at all

Let divinity take me
Dispose of me and lead into
The nothing that I seek
Just count me out

If I could erase time
What would take it's place
Nature abhors a vacuum

If I ceased to exist
How many lives did I save
How many failures might be
For someone else to achieve
How many wrongs did I right
How many times was I wrong
Bards and tapestries
Scribes, artists, historians, scholars, and weavers
What would inspire them
How many stories have I left untold
How many stories could have been mine
Or maybe today is just a bad day

If I could erase time
I can only think of one thing
Worthy in it's place
Intuition, emotion, truth,
Are too grand and obscure in concept
To be deserving
Id replace time with an instant
Described maybe by only three words

You and me.