Lying there lifeless

pretending...

Pretending to be asleep
the gray ceiling drips onto my face
with each passing second the
room gets smaller and
hotter

Smothered by restlessness
suffocated by longing
I sigh a heavy sigh
expelling another moment from my muddled life
debating on whether I should get up or not:

     The effort of pulling off the iron covers
     the indecision, the fear
     afraid of being caught


Sneaking out to do naughty things?
                  I think not.
Something I shouldn't be doing?
                     Hardly.


Taking slow strides across the room
my eyes adjust
just enough
to bring forth indistinguishable shapes
I rely only on the silent energy
that the darkness emits
my ears pivot to pick up the blackness' ululating drone
I tune into its mystic frequency
abandoning all mixed signals that came about today

The slits of oceanic blue light
slather the window's opposing wall
an illuminescence too scarce to peg the door's frame

I twist the cold brass **** until I hear the click of metal

Tip - toe - ing . . .
through the never-ending runway-hallway that seems to  

S T    R       E          C            H        o  n   f    o     r        M  I       L           E                  S 

strafing crucified
agaist the wall
still hitting every
creak I had been aiming to miss

Descending down
the steps
I reach the
Flat 
one more step down and my excitement rises

I glide across wooden floors
stirring up invisible dust...
I am the lazy particles that float in the air
minus the fanned out beams of sunlight
shining through cracked blinds
to scream out my presence
and fuel my pestiness

Finally I am close
close enough to breathe steam on the storm door
remove the stick

push up the lock

pull. slide. open.

Ahhhh
The cold air knocks the wind into me

My first barefoot step is into a pool of icewater
turning to close the door I enter hypothermia
my body crystalizes, cracks, shatters, and re-crystalizes again
sitting down on the step I become inorganic

I tilt my empty heavy head up to the heavanly sky,
howling my thoughts to our silver satellite

I try to find comfort from afar - comfort my bed alone could not supply
my insides evaporate from my
frozen skin and
disperse into the air
my particles grow incandescent wings
the kind that effortlessly ***** and flutters

My molecules are ****** up towards the sky
they leave me behind to join the stars
I welcome their departure and wave goodbye
I hope when they return they bring back good tidings

Now that my insides are gone, my particles adrift,
My frozen-solid body is hollow
and so, a weight is lifted
(even if only temporarily,
the numbness is temporary)

Still gazing at the infinite clusters of stars like
woven celestial patchwork
littered across infinite black plains
I feel content admiring the lone stars
adventurous and brave as they come

    Feeling like those lone stars,
    trying to find my place
    I snuck out to my backyard

All I needed was some space

The warm touch of an angel’s fingertip
The soft sensation when her long hair sways
Across my skin and glides over my lips
Embraced in tender arms time slips away

When my eyes meet her eyes I stop and stare
Two tiny worlds more wonderful than ours
The sun reflects off her skin when it’s bare
Glows with beauty more infinite than stars

The scent that follows when she passes by
A heavenly aroma, sweet and light
It steals my heart just like her gentle sigh
A lovely voice that sings to me at night

The moment my eyes shut I dream of you
My angel, calling from the darkened blue

When my head rests and settles
my thoughts free-flow
like steam from an overflowing copper kettle.

My chest sinks and swells

My cold, clammy hands clasp together
and nestle between my knees
to secure me from shivering beneath my sheets.

The dead December freeze batters my body
and so I dream.

Unable to abort the birth of an undying nightmare...

I begin to dream of shining on my own,
glistening all alone,
being covered in a quilt of Guilded gold.

I wish so much
to see a crease
or an escape to ease my troubled peace.
A way to cease this sitting
and **** this never ending quitting.

Kidding,
I'm not what I used to be. I'm something that I'm not.

I could knit a tight fit glove
for me and my humanity
to wed inside of.
I could pray that we never get pulled apart
even if sickness should be my suffering
and my witness.

Forgive me,
if I would rather stay sick
for the sake of my sanity.

I know what lies outside.

Ebonies of the sky
ebb at the glow
of the
twilight field of light
seeking sowing.

Forever showing
never knowing
how cold lonliness
is without a hand for holding.

If you had a hand to hold
would you?

Could you and your grasp
shake my shameless doubt
that our past has cast a stone
at the glass foundation of our future and
alas, our present cannot last?

Can your words
convince me that this is how it should be
and rid me of what I ought not to be
wraught with?

Or is this fraudulent truth an excuse
to let loose all of the fear we hold dear
as we hang dangling from a noose
as the world watches and people stare
as if they had nothing to lose.

I know I hope too hard
turning hope into current.
The positive charge barres
negative scars from burning,
but yet, my flesh is left
brittle and charred.

Maybe it makes no difference
or any sense at all.

It doesn't matter nonetheless, for I am desperate.

Walking alone through the forest green
He spotted something in between
A kind of meeting among huddled trees
Whispering things across the breeze

A second look—it was there no longer
The mysterious figure left him to ponder:
What was that? What could it have been?
Human, beast, or just leaves in the wind?

He dashed to the spot where it was last seen
To catch it on film he was eager and keen
He spent his whole life waiting for the perfect picture
To awe all the world and become a little bit richer

But then when he got there, at the edge of a lake
He thought it must be a joke, some sort of mistake
For across the water the only thing he could see
Was the dream of his youth, shattered and broken

Sand fills ‘tween wet toes
Laughter fills the open air
Resting on the beach

The crisp autumn air
Exhales winds of pumpkin spice
Inside I am warm

Winter’s frigid chill
Reduces us to remain
Curled up by the fire


Salty ocean waves
Ebb and flow and swirl around
My heart’s distant shores

Gazing at the waves
Into the sea’s sand-strewn edge
Time starts to crumble


Sick of skipping stones
Dreamers toss rocks in glass rooms
Closer to the stars

The moon never wished
Harder on a shooting star
“Let me shine alone”

Everyday
You remind me
Of why I choose to live tonight
And not die today

You take a breath
And I do too
You take a breath
Exhale, and I taste you

We hold on to things we can’t help and we hate
We hurt at the sight of shame while losing our way
We bury our heads, we bury our dead day after day
But do we ever wonder if there’s another way?

Someday
You’ll find me
At the edge of all my hope
And in my throat not a word to say

For now let’s play
Chase me away
For now we’ll stay
Just one more day

Tomorrow I will still have so much to say to you
and when I die you’ll still try to give your love to me, too

I never knew what beauty life could grace
Me with when all I had was troubled thoughts
But now as my eyes rest upon your face
My suffering and haunting dreams are lost

Instead my mind is filled with rays of light
Of overflowing streams, the clearest blue
And flowers grow from here to out of sight
My darling, don’t you know it’s all ‘cause you?

Because your smile caught me from the start
Because your eyes plant love into my soul
Because your voice breathes hope into my heart
Because your touch can melt away the cold

I never want to leave your faithful side
I’ll lie with you until the end of time

She waited for him for hours
she lost moments of her life for him
and where was he?
he wouldn't say

She hated him for days
she lost sleep out of disgust for him
and how did he sleep?
she'd never know

She wasted away for months
she never regained her taste for cigarette smoke
or the sun beneath her skin
and what was he doing?
he couldn't even remember

But she could never forget...

She remembered her name for years
  it came to her in nightmares
She remembered exactly how many tears fell
  on her bruised knees from her blue betrayed eyes

She knew he didn't know the hurt
  he couldn't imagine what it felt like to die
She knew that he would never know
  since "he has no heart... he's not a girl"

And yet, she still found the strength inside herself
the kind of strength that's an endless blue -- a blinding white
the kind that pulsates as it expands and doesn't crackle when it hardens

She found the strength to forgive him because

She was cosmic for a minute
she was held between his arms
and where was he?
exactly where she was

She was small for a second
she was jumping from her lips to his
and what was he doing?
building a paper house inside her chest

I felt the fear of an incoming hurricane
Fleeing from an old home
I saw nothing but trust me
I felt it all
There’s a tormented heart
Inside all of us

The waves that battered my naked body
Told me of a cold world on the other side
So I buried my feet in the sand
And I braced myself to stand
To listen to all the horrors
That we’ve become

Until my body grew numb
For the longest time I knew only shame
But shame emerged into pain
And spilled into the crevices of regret and longing

It would take a lot to change that course for
The ground we stand on sinks and trembles
It will not last and
I still have not the courage to say I’m sorry

I really just want some ideas on where to go with this. Please and thanks!


A winding trail gradually tapered off into the woods
where the trees bit the hazy Autumn dusk,
branches protruding upwards
like the crooked teeth
of an aged jackal.
Fragile creatures,
the likes of birds and small rodents
dart into the dark confines of the daunting forest.
Like fleeting wisps of dry, rolling leaves they flee,
hoping to find shelter beneath the massive expanse of huddled, wilted trees, just in time before the weight of the setting sun
could fall upon their tiny heads and
extinguish the tiny capsule of air
from their little lungs
in the same way
the last flickering silvery and golden
webs of light
were extinguished from the sky,
giving an amiguity to where the horizon ended and the Heavans began.

I think there's something wrong
with being called to from down the stairs
casually called and
instantly annoyed at the sound of her voice
this time however
she says:
Brandon
...yeah
Aunt Sherri has died
speechless
so far away
13 steps too far
rusted gears, eroded stone
even with legs like these
the message could've been delivered
now the distance has affected gravity

why am i always alone?

Today,
An Old Lady Hugged Me

She Said, "Son

     Don't Put Your Faith In A Church
     Give It To god Instead

     As Long As You Believe
     In him
     he Will G  u  i  d  e   Y     o       u

  T                           R
               H                                 O        
                                                                ­      U                  H
              
                                                                ­                                               Life.

Believe In
him
Because
he Believes In YOU."
                               .
                            .
                        A
       ­                nd
                     ItWas
                  AtThose
                Few Words
               ThatMyEyes
                B e g a n To
                  Tear Up
                        **

    god          Loves            You

    Don't       Forget          That

                   "I Won't"

                     I Said
                
                    Silently
              ­  
                  Thinking:
          But I'm An Athiest

You said "stay there,
I will come for you"

"You lied", I said
I would never leave

You died, and came
To me at long last

I tried, my best
But I couldn’t keep the tears back

When you love someone so much
it hurts to ******* breathe
Your bodies coincide
inside, it's the same bad blood you bleed
We sink and then we crumble
we tremble and we tumble
And behind our blurry eyes
we wonder why it took so long to find where we belonged

If you’re missing somebody and
Tonight you have nobody’s hand
If you feel like all that’s left of you is skin, no bones
I will be your body and, I will carry you home

how could there ever have been a moment between us
a vast moment of perfect eternity
when you won't even look me in the eyes?

how could i have ever lied to you
and yet still act surprised when
our pathetic excuses for conversations liquify
into pools of chewed up curiosities?

i guess i wonder sometimes maybe we...i don't know, never mind
but sometimes i just hope, you know?

I once laid in a bed similar to this
I had on me then a face of eagerness
A glint of some happy hope
I once went out into an open yard and swam through the sunshine as if it was the first time
I had my first smoke
For the first time I knew a dead person
And  I smelled the scent of despair
I grew up, I had doubts, and I never before had felt scared
And I’ve never been more scared than I am now
Because there are rows and rows of things that I can’t find out
That I will never know
That I will never feel or do or see or be
I live a half life soon to expire