you could have known me truly and the selfish promises I have pledged
but I saved you, I kept you safe, I kept you turned away from my edge
safe from me because I'm a dark fall not intended to fledge
I never intended for you to hear the truth in any of the words I said

as clever as you are you don't really know fear and it's reins
because you haven't hurt long enough to understand deepening pain
you wont ever know the corrosion of our own devices until you refrain
for as long as you can, only to feel them come flooding back in through every vein

yes I know the cigarettes are killing me one nail in the coffin at a time
and the ***** that's filling my sail is far too often unkind
and yes, every girl I've laid next to haunts me in the hallways of my mind
and the only blankets I can hide under for warmth have already began to unwind

so now the dollars fill bank accounts and wallets and pockets but not the holes
and they can't ever buy back the days of my fleeting youth I've already sold
the price of living it once is forever after feeling you've grown too old
and deep, painful regret is the last page scribed in every story I've told

but you can never keep close to you what you never really had
and you can't sit down with my heart, the child, and explain sad
and no person or situation will ever cause me to feel I'm truly glad
when every word given has only another misdirection of hope to add

you said you'd whisper love sweetly but you kissed me and I tasted blood
so take another day from me, steal my next breath in the rising flood
make the lowest I can kneel beneath you my bruised hands in the mud
crush the flowers, thrash the stems, poison the roots, clip the buds

angels aren't enough to lift me up from where I'm falling
heaven hasn't promises true enough for what I beg when I'm calling
for help, for sanctuary, for relief from the increasing burdens I'm hauling
and comfort lent is only stalling the demons that being me means brawling

You could have know me to the color of my bone
but I saved you
in every way
that I left you alone

coming apart
at edges unstitched by sharpened memories of the loss
I'm bleeding out of every seam seeing what playing relationship costs
and it seems I'm destined
to bleed until I've paid again and again for what I bought and lost

I'm coming apart
trying to remember where it's gone, why I deserve
every stranger ****** hard night and unmeant word
and why it seems I'm destine
to choke on every revelation the loneliness serves

this is what I get, these scraps and echoes
this is what I get for believing there's more than people show
this is the price of every kiss and comfort I got to know
the debt is always having to lose it while the healing eases too slow

I'm coming undone
reliving in dreams that I know the closeness of a familiar touch
remembering that I'm buried alive and the soil's weight is too much
to scratch my way out of this destiny
with my own heart hating my decisions and holding a grudge

for a gleaming moment I found myself
for one shiny moment my tears and patches relearned trust
but what's cut of the same damaged cloth will always be what it must
and a moment was just enough to make me forget the scissor's final ******

I'm falling apart at threads worn fray
reliving so many years in the regrets born every new day
and always tossing well coins to wish the hurtful questions away
why me, why them, why now, why wouldn't first love stay?

it's quiet now without the sound of you breathing
life into this dusty aging house
but in the end I figured out I had invented all the reasons
we would still be together now

dusk always seems to hang in the sky
now that your light isn't mine
all the healing left with your final goodbye
and the solitude shows me the confinement of time

around and around and around we went
trying to make a home of the time we had spent
so somehow tell me now where the love all went
tell me now what the promises all meant

I'm not sure how I really feel without you
here in my Neverland that's lost it's childhood
I'm having doubts, disbeleiveing what I was sure we made true
wanting to know that our years together left what closeness should

now it's not a whole life I'm left with living
there was something in the the ways you believed
that my faults never needed forgiving
and how you never doubted what you thought we achieved

I think the reason why when I think of you I still hold on
is that I can't feel I'm part of the world where you've gone
and now my bold hopes have withered and withdrawn
and somehow my whole heart still hasn't moved on

I'm not sure now what I feel without you here
to save me
but I'm sure I'll never live a whole life after watching love disappear
and take away all that you gave me

I love the ways you look at me
and I've still got eyes to see
but know that when you try to hold me
I'm only a shadow of what use to be

I'm grateful that you see a man
when you watch me standing across a room
but know that when you reach to take my hand
that I'm just a shell where a soul's entombed

I'm not a living, breathing body
with a heart heaving rich, red blood
I'm not person, not a timeline, I'm just a coat worn shoddy
not able to offer you warmth in the rising flood

I want so much to never read
the last page in our story
to never fear the words unsaid
or to wear the crown without it's glory

but the price of days I walked as king without sorrow
was agreed upon before I knew you
the cost of the kingdom then, was my every tomorrow
and my smile painted on this carcass shows that truth

I borrowed time I can never repay
I convinced myself I stole what could only be given
I thought that I could charm luck to stay
but in the end my palace built, proved only a prison

gold won't stop a hungry stomach aching
dollar bills can't buy a promise kept
diamonds will never keep the dam from breaking
after all your tears for my absence have been wept

I'm not a man, not a person, not a creature whole
I lived those days, I held those true riches
now I can only pay that journey's toll
in bearing the weight of the living's bridges

I died somewhere in a battle I lost
but my ghost just went on fighting
I never felt my spirit cross
until I saw myself bleed the ink my story was writing

all I have to offer now is a smile when you look
all I can be is a mannequin frozen
a scrapbook page of what the teachers took
just an effigy, just a map of paths once chosen

I love the ways you look at me
and I fear the day you see straight through
the shadow that looks like the man you could love
because a shadow can never reach arms out to hold you

you might have flaws but you're my best friend
you're my one cause until all your pain ends
I want to give you love, I will give you true love
all I ask in return is that you keep the belief that together we rise above
every demon feeds on different parts of a beaten heart
every uncaring love that's come close stumbles your new start
what you don't remember yet is that I've always been here
and until you know you can depend on me I'll be the one that keeps you near

this music is just for you
can you hear it?
this love is a fact proven true
and you never have to fear it

you always have a hand to hold yours because I'll never make a fist
you can let go and take comfort in this fall because there's no risk
I'll be what you've been taught to give up hoping for
I'll give you closeness craved until you feel satisfied then I'll give you more

smash the statues and tear the paintings off the walls in your life's museum
you never have to walk those halls, there's no call anymore to have to see them

we began a new story with the first kiss in each other's arms
our pages never write down the imperfections of the world that would cause us harm
we own the moments, these are ours to keep just for us
these are the times that remind us what it means to trust

I know you need the pain to stop, someone to fight for you, a true best friend
so I'm your guiding light until life's bright for you and it's dawn in your heart again

little dark ring of scars
my reminder
where a wedding band use to be
dusty gray ring of ash
my reminder
of where that fire use to warm me

lord can it be?
that regret is calling me
down into those times?
I should have seen the coming loss
before I ever paid the cost
now I'm lost between two timelines

and everybody feels and sees
that shattered hearts don't heal or ease
we just learn new ways to breathe
and on knees you can beg and plead
but the regret just chews and feeds
and you have to learn again how to breathe

now the treasure maps all lead to empty chests
and reminders
calling me back to my home burned down
and pleasures trap me and tempts with rest
feigning life a little kinder
only stalling the attack of wedding roses turned brown

lord can it be?
the voices calling me
all lead back to time long gone?
I should have known the cost contrived
that all love has loss to be survived
now I'm torn between two lives

and now every rainbow ends
at missing gold I had to spend
to learn love isn't yours to keep at the end
love is never yours to befriend
it's just a waking dream that someone lends
and everybody knows shattered dreams never mend

the little dark ring of scars and their intent
my reminder
love isn't yours it's only lent
and love is never any kinder

what they call a heart, my every anchor chained
what the pages make my story, every loss explained
like words in letters, as if they retain it, like they make it better
as if the knowing of it loosed or broke these fetters
eight ways the shapes of my only alphabet spells s-u-r-v-i-v-o-r
infinitely too short a word and leaving me to wander again if I'm alive in her
they think it breeds strength to outlive the beatings
they think it makes a great chase never retreating in the pursuit of what's fleeting
just once couldn't I rest and feel safe like it could all get clearer?
in the haze of aging when I'm sure it isn't my real smile in any mirror
in the crowded, faceless streets of having to stand on my own two feet alone
with all the hurtful, hateful, squalls this living condones
everyone thinking they know me because they know my name
know the face that's a mask over what's hollowed out by the aches I don't explain
and someone asks me to come near, to be dear, to love again
and they give like gifts and they mend the rifts and they care and then
the cycle of costs begins again, the loss of the friends again breathes
and makes every swallowed wine taste less like escape and reminds that it never relieves
and every candle on a cake burns another year I waited to start over
and every green field yields beauty unnoticed in my frantic search for a lucky clover
the pages pile with words wasted on hoping for better
and my few days waste away with so much time lost in trying to understand "forever"
so if you think that you know what made me then you haven't been listening to the words I didn't say
and if you've ask me for love then you've never felt what I already gave away

so put the times you've felt greatness on one side and see if they outweigh the hurt
or if the scales tip in favor of the ways you've failed and it still hurts
and trudge the horrible roads to the edges of the maps and see if you outrun the hurt
and see if any hand held or risk taken or affection given dispels the way you hurt

all the slivered glass pieces of my heart just cut me to blood as I try to pick them up
and all that my view of what could have been does, is lend tears as I watch those doors shut
and all another line will explain
is how it will never be the last line if I'm trying to write out the pains

I can never explain the hurt